Chapter 28: Dawsyn, the Bartender…

Flashback: Eleven Years Ago (2011)

Meredith's head was pounding, she was shaking as she clutched her purse close to her body, her clothes still on from the party she went to the night before. It wasn't a secret as to why her body was shaking, her stomach was twirling. That was the tequila, she was used to this. Even if she was sick every morning for the past several weeks. This was normal. "Hey Dawsyn!"

"Meredith!" The familiar bartender waved, from the other side of the counter. Dawsyn was the only bartender that knew Meredith's true age. Aside from Izzie, Cristina, George, and Alex.

"I stayed off your bar last night...no dancing on it...impressed?" Meredith giggled nervously, a hand on her stomach. Damn that last shot.

"Very." Dawsyn laughed, rolling her eyes.

"I brought you that movie I told you about before those last few shots." Meredith sighed, reaching into her bag as she spoke to her favorite bartender. "Do you have any aspirin? My head is killing me."

"It's in the back...I'll get if for you after...the other thing." Dawsyn replied, taking the movie from Meredith.

"Do we have to?" Meredith groaned. "We've done this before...remember after the football game? And again…before the great snowstorm?"

"Yes. Most girls learn their lesson the first time." Dawsyn said, pulling a small brown paper bag from under the counter.

"Dude...I've taken my fair share of those tests and never have I ever had a positive one. Why would I now?"

"Because you have all the symptoms."

"I'm hungover." Meredith rolled her eyes.

"For the past three weeks?" Dawsyn raised her eyebrows. "Just take it."

"Bitch." Meredith said, taking the bag into her hands.

"I give you tequila. You love me."

"I'll take a celebration tequila in..." Meredith walked towards the bathroom, stopping to look at the back of the box. "...seven minutes."

"You're not getting any tequila until there's a big no on that stick." Dawsyn called.

"This stick will read just like your love life...negative!" The young college girl shouted; a slight nervous giggle hidden in her tone.

"Shut up and do it already!"

"I'm trying to pee on a stick!"

"Don't yell that in my bar...You're going to scare away the customers."

"It's early!" Meredith said, flushing the toilet and washing her hands before walking back out into the bar.

"Then why are you here?" Dawsyn smirked.

"I have class in an hour...which by the way...I still smell like last night."

"You're actually going to class?"

"What's his name is still asleep in my apartment and I have a test...so I better."

"Another one, huh?" Dawsyn asked, pouring a glass of water for Meredith.

"It's the last one...I promise...unless I hook up with someone at the party tonight but that's not the point." Meredith replied, taking a sip of water. "Come on Mad Dog...fill her up...with something better."

"You have class in an hour."

"Mad Dog..."

"Show me a negative sign on that stick."

"Why does it matter?" Meredith giggled, reaching over the bar to grab a bottle of beer. "Besides why do you have alcohol out so early if you don't want me to drink?"

"I'm not contributing to your child's birth defects." Dawsyn said, taking the beer back.

"Child...you're funny. Give it back!"

"You can have it when you show me you aren't pregnant."

"I'm not pregnant...I'm hungover." Meredith smirked, "Oh and the Phi Kappa...something are having a huge party tonight and..."

"Seven minutes is up."

"Seven minutes for what?" Meredith replied, steeling another beer and popping the lid off.

"The test, you dumbass."

"Party pooper."Meredith frowned, taking a sip from the beer bottle before sitting it back down on the counter. "This used to be a ritual...haven't checked a test in a long time."

"Just get the damn thing." Dawsyn groaned.

"You're a bitchy bartender." Meredith replied, walking into the small restroom of Dartmouth's most popular bar.

"I'm on my period...unlike you!" Dawsyn called.

"Oh my god..." Meredith's voice shook as she held the stick in her hand. This couldn't be right, it seriously couldn't be.

"What?"

"Fuck...this...oh crap."

"What does it say?" Dawsyn yelled.

"Dawsyn this..." Meredith walked out of the bathroom, holding both sticks in her hand. She had made sure to pee on too and now she was looking at two positive tests. "I'm pregnant."

"Can I have this beer back now?"

"No..." Meredith shook her head, finally looking up. "Give it to me now."

"Not a chance." Dawsyn replied, putting it below the bar.

"Oh God..." Meredith moved onto a barstool, putting her head down. "How did this happen?"

"I...this has never happened before...how..."

"Here..." Dawsyn sighed, pushing another glass of water across the bar.

"Nine weeks."

"Nine weeks?"

"I lied...I'm nine weeks late."

"I guess you're not going to Phi Kappa whatever tonight."

'I'm pregnant." Meredith whispered, staring blankly ahead.

"Who's the dad?"

"What?" Meredith swallowed, looking up at the older woman in front of her. Father. She was asking about the father.

"Father...sperm donor...Who is he?" Dawsyn asked.

"I...I don't know."

"Who were you sleeping with then?"

"I...crap." Meredith ran her hands over her face. "I don't know...who wasn't I sleeping with?"

"Do you want some advice?" Dawsyn sighed.

"Stop being a whore?"

"That wasn't exactly what I was going to say...but...yeah."

"I'm a whore. A pregnant...hungover slutty whore!"

"That's not going to help."

"Oh God."

"Are you ready to hear what you should have heard six months ago?"

"Fine." Meredith groaned, her head buried into her hands.

"It's time to grow up." Dawsyn stated.

"I am a grown up."

"You're not acting like it...Sleeping with a different guy every night. Drinking until you throw up...It has to stop."

"I have to take care of this." Meredith lifted her head, shaking it a little. "I could end it...there is a clinic and..."

"Is that what you really want?"

"I..." Meredith thought to herself. She never prepared herself for what she would do in this situation. She always avoided it and now she was here and the idea of being pregnant was awful. But she couldn't do it. She couldn't go to a clinic. She wasn't sure why, but she couldn't. "I can't."

"So now...you're pregnant. You have another person to think about." Dawsyn sighed.

"I don't know who the father is."

"It's going to be different from here on out."

"I...right." Meredith breathed.

"You can't go out partying, drinking, and sleeping around anymore...You have a child to think about now. If what you really want to do is keep it, then now is the time to stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about that baby."

"I don't know how this happened." Meredith bit her lip, shaking her head. "And now because of some idiot...I'm pregnant and I'm going to have a baby. Some stupid man went and knocked me up."

"You can't go back now...It happened. It's done. And you made a decision."

"No...he made a decision."

"You made a decision to sleep with a guy you didn't know after getting drunk."

"I was drunk he shouldn't have slept with me!"

"It's done, Meredith."

"Oh God..."

"If you need help finding a doctor...or anything. You know I'm here." Dawsyn sighed.

"I'm pregnant." She whispered.

"You're pregnant."

"Damn." Meredith whispered.

"You're pregnant." Dawsyn nodded, patting Meredith's hand as her head lay on the bar, comprehending what was going to happen to her and her child.

"I'm going to be an awful mother."

"No you won't."

"I get drunk and sleep with inappropriate men."

"Not anymore."

"There is an inappropriate man in my bed right now!"

"Your life is about to change." Dawsyn sighed. "The sooner you realize it, the better off you're going to be."

"Or crappier..." Meredith whispered.

"Better." Dawsyn reassured her.

End of Flashback

"Meredith...Is there anyone in there, Mer?" Derek said, standing in front of Meredith as she stared directly at the wall.

"I...pregnant..." She whispered, not even looking at him. Her body was shaking a little as she bit her lip.

"What?" He frowned, sitting on the coffee table in front of her.

"I was pregnant...and then I...I shouldn't have..."

"Meredith, what are you talking about?'

"Pregnant...and I took a test in a bar..."

"You're pregnant?"

"What?" Meredith finally looked up at him, her eyes tired and dark.

"You just said you were pregnant." Derek breathed.

"I did?"

"Yeah..."

"Oh...I'm not pregnant." Meredith whispered, looking back at the wall. "I was..."

"I'm...confused." Derek whispered.

"Dawsyn...I was pregnant with Dawsyn."

"Oh...Okay." Derek breathed a sigh of relief.

"I'm sorry..." She whispered, shaking her head slightly as she looked at the man in front of her. "Was she okay? Did she get on the bus okay?"

"Yeah. She was really excited." Derek replied, kissing Meredith's forehead. "She told me to tell you goodbye."

"She's barely said a word to me since...you know."

"Yeah."

"I just...I was hungover when I found out..." Meredith looked down, remembering the day still clearly in her mind.

"Hmm..."

"I was nine weeks late...I told everyone it was only three weeks because I just...I was stupid and then the morning I took the test I was hungover and I had another one night stand in my bed and I went to the bar...because the bartender, Dawsyn wanted me to take a test and I was pregnant..."

"The bartender's name was Dawsyn?" Derek whispered, smiling softly as he moved to the couch and pulled her into his arms.

"Her name was Dawsyn...she died a few years after Dawsyn was born..." Meredith whispered.

"I'm sorry."

"She was the first person to visit me in the hospital and I hadn't filled out Dawsyn's name, but Dawsyn was going to be Dawsyn Katherine and she told me no."

"She had a big influence on you, huh?" Derek whispered, kissing the top of her head.

"She held my daughter...before I even wanted to, and she told me that Katherine was a beautiful middle name...but that it wasn't my daughter's middle name."

"What's her middle name?"

"Elizabeth." Meredith whispered, her eyes filling with tears. "She told me once that because of my mistakes...because of life in general, she needed something in her life to be the same no matter what. So, I chose for us to have the same middle name, thing we can always share."

"That's...Wow..." Derek smiled. "Does Dawsyn know this?"

"She knows it's the same...it was harder for her to learn when she was little but...I just. " Meredith stopped, taking a deep breath. "I wanted one thing in her life to always be the same."

"I think you should tell her this...the whole story...when she gets home from her trip." Derek whispered. "If she knows this, she's going to feel a lot different about everything."

"Derek...I was on a really bad path. I could have ended up dead...there isn't a reason why I shouldn't have been found in a ditch somewhere."

"You weren't...And now you're here with an amazing, beautiful daughter who adores you."

"Different guy...every night...drunk all the time...experimented with...things and Derek...if you knew what I was like in those nine weeks before I found out...when I knew I might be..."

"Then I'd still be sitting right here with you."

"Don't say that."

"I mean it, Mer." Derek whispered. "If anything, it makes me like you even more, knowing how you changed your life for your daughter..."

"I don't know who her dad is." Meredith shook.

"She has you." Derek consoled her.

"My daughter needs her dad."

"She has so many people who love her...including me."

"I just...I'm worse than those people on all the talk shows...at least those women have people to test...I don't even know..."

"Meredith, look at me..."

"No...she needs a Dad and she doesn't have one and that's my fault."

"Hey...She has everything she needs with you right now. I promise she'll forgive you for this..."

"No, she won't...I ruined this for her."

"No you haven't."

"She doesn't know what parts of her look like him, or if she does things because he did..."

"Those are things that she'll figure out when she gets older...Until then, she has all she could need with you as her mother."

"I drank the first nine weeks and when she was a baby she was underweight and then she had this bad flu...that's probably my fault and she would probably be happy if she lived with him." Meredith cried.

"She's happy with you." Derek whispered, rubbing her back.

"He could have taken more care of her...he probably has money...whoever he is he probably has money and could give her things I can't." Meredith wrapped her arms, around his neck, lowering her head onto his shoulder. "She's not happy here."

"Yes she is." Derek assured her. "The way she looks at you, Mer...How she talks about you and the way she told me this morning to tell you she said bye...She loves you more than anything.

"I messed her up."

"If messed up is what she is...then she's the most amazing messed up little girl I've ever met."

"I just...I wish I hadn't been so stupid..."

"If you hadn't...you wouldn't have that amazing girl in your life."

"But that little girl wants her dad." Meredith lifted her head, eyes still streaming down her cheek. "She deserved to have a man in her life who loves her more than anything...who would die for her and take care of her. The guy who would tuck her into bed and know how to handle her sarcasm…"

"What about me?" Derek whispered.

"I didn't sleep with you in college I don't think..." Meredith giggled weakly.

"I would remember you." Derek smiled.

"I just..." Meredith bit her lip. "I deprived my daughter of the one thing that should have really been hers."

"Meredith...What about me?" Derek repeated.

"Derek...I don't remember if we slept together eleven years ago."

"That's not what I mean...I mean being the guy who loves her, takes care of her, and tucks her into bed..."

"Two and a half months Derek..." Meredith whispered. "You've only known her for that long, that's a short amount of time, and...'

"Two and a half months that I've gotten to know her and fall in love with her...and you..." Derek breathed.

"What?" Meredith swallowed her tears.

"I'm in love with you." He whispered.

"Oh..."

"I just...It just happened and...We're not even dating...but...I'm completely in love with you."

"Derek you can't just say that because you want to help with my daughter...I didn't mean to make you feel that way."

"That's not why I'm in love you...I'm in love with you because you're beautiful...and caring and completely adorable." Derek laughed. "When I came in here today and you said you were pregnant...I thought you meant right now. All I could think about was being with you, helping you, and giving you everything that you didn't have before."

"I don't' want another baby." Meredith said, shaking her head a little.

"That's...I'm in love with you, Meredith Grey. Baby or not. Daughter or not. I'm in love with you."

"I mean I never planned on another one and I don't know if I want one...not right now anyways. I mean I do want one...or not. I...one day I might want another one or four...no definitely three but I don't know if I want to do that again." Meredith said, rambling as her face turned red. "I might want another three...but I just don't know if that would happen even though Dawsyn would be the best big sister and three more sounds...I don't want a baby."

"That...That's why I love you." Derek smiled.

"I don't think I want a baby."

"That's okay."

"Three."

"Let's just...Can we just...I want to just lie here with you."

"Okay..." She whispered, nodding lightly.

"Thank you." He whispered, kissing the top of her head an lying down.

"I don't know what I want."

"Right now, just want me."

"I want you." She whispered.

"Hmm..."

"Only three Derek."

"Just three."

"I don't want any more kids...I can't mess up another child and if you want three more kids then..."

"Shh...Just...lie here with me right now."

"Okay..." Meredith whispered, her body shaking slightly as he held her close. He had said things, big things and she wasn't sure how to respond. It was too soon, and she kept spitting out the number three and she wasn't even sure what that meant. In the back of her mind, she had always quietly thought she might want more children one day but after time, that went away, and she didn't want that anymore. Or she didn't think she did but that didn't matter because she hadn't known him for long. This was a whirlwind and she thought he was in love with her.