PEGASUS FOR GOVERNOR
(The Aristocrat speech)
By: Brad Parks
Good ________ everybody. How are you? I don't care, so shut up. Anyways, I am running for governor of California for many reasons. One is that your guys' water bills are expensive! I've paid less for a hit man, but that's none of your business. I will lower water bills by substituting for cheap wine! Wine is good for the soul! But remember, if you refuse to drink it like I do, then you will get slapped. Next thing I will change is the economy. We need to direct our interest toward the vineyards! They need the money! Wine is good for your soul! So that's why I'm raising the income tax from 1.7% to 59.3%. Boo all you want, but this is the best. Just think, in about ten years, we will have wine coming out of our asinos! Wine is the Fountain of Youth! No sir! I am not gay! I have had extensive research on the matter! WINE IS GOOD FOR YOUR SOUL! (Pegasus gets hit in the face with a box of wine) YOU DISGRACE!!! DRINKING WINE OUT OF A BOX! You outta be executed! That's okay. I'm a rich man. I can buy you and sell you twice. (AHEM.) I would also like to change the San Diego zoos. I want more panda bears and hot pink flamingos. That is the key to a profitable zoo. Another thing is that I will pass a bill (more like pay them hush money) to make a day committed to playing Yu-Gi-Oh! If you don't like that, then work at your minimum wage jobs! I will feel no pity on you because I am rich and you are poor! For that, you should be dragged to a remote location and beaten with an ugly stick. Or taken to my house and watch a Funny Bunny marathon. (He sings the theme song and people pull out their handguns and bats.) Okay, you selfish fools! With your permission to elect me governor of this great state, I promise to become, without a doubt, the world's greatest state official in the world! If you don't believe me, then move to Antarctica! Freeze your fat asses off! I don't care! GOOD RIDANCE YOU FILTHY IDIOTS!!! And don't forget, Pegasus for 2003!