Disclaimer: I don't own anything OC related.
Wasted
"…If I could change my life
Be a simple kind of man try to do the best I can
if I could take the sides
I'd derail every path I could
now I'm about to die
won't you clear away from me
give me strength to fly away…"
à Cold "Wasted Years"
Ryan Atwood is almost ready to leave the best life he's ever known. He has friends, a surrogate family that's treated him better than his blood relatives ever did and he's walking away from it all.
Or he's thinking about it. This is the third night this week that he's found himself sitting on the curb with his bag behind him, trying to come up with a reason to stay.
He's sitting on the curb smoking a forbidden cigarette. He's been living with the Cohens for over a month now and he hasn't smoked a single cigarette since Mrs. Cohen sat him down and gave him the house rules.
Ryan has been given a lot. He inhales deeply. His brother got him arrested and he met Mr. Cohen who took him in when his mother abandoned him. The Cohens are rich whereas Ryan has never had money, not enough to spare anyway. He has always had to work for everything that he wanted. Until now. The Cohens give him anything that he dares ask for, which isn't much. He's been happy enough to have shelter over his head and food to eat. Kirsten is always trying to get him to ask for things and when he doesn't, she buys him things anyway. He has a drawer full of CD's and electronic equipment that she purchased for him so Seth wouldn't have more than Ryan. He didn't ask for any of it.
Ryan works at a local restaurant and would choke before he asked the Cohen's for money. He can support himself as long as they continue to house him. Lately, he finds that he can't even eat meals with them without guilt taking his appetite. This isn't his life. This isn't his path. Somehow, he's lost his way.
He's an Atwood. He shouldn't be here living the high life. He doesn't deserve this. He inhales deeply, filling his lungs with the poison smoke. He isn't sure what he deserves but he knows that it isn't this. These people are too good for him. He's not good enough for them. He simply doesn't belong.
So he's leaving. He thinks. Ryan doesn't know what to do. For the first time in his life, he's got a stable environment. His mother's long gone. He doesn't have to worry about hauling her ass home from the bar or cleaning her up after her latest binge. He doesn't have to worry about her boyfriends beating the shit out of him for existing. He doesn't have to worry about getting to school or defending himself against the gangbangers. He's stable.
So why is he leaving? Ryan lights a fresh cigarette, his lungs screaming at him.
Seth is like a brother to him. Seth is the most refreshing person he's ever met. Ryan would die to protect him.
Sandy Cohen is the only man that's ever treated Ryan with respect. Sandy appreciated his intelligence during his first meeting with him and treats him as an equal. He's the only man that Ryan has ever admired. He would like to be a man worthy of Sandy's approval one day.
Kirsten Cohen, well, Ryan respects her but she's always been standoffish. If he has to pick one reason for taking off, he would have to say her name. She's taken care of him in every way, she's the one that made the final decision for letting him stay with them but something…she's the reason that he knows that he doesn't belong. Sandy wasn't raised here. Seth was blessed with Sandy's influence. Kirsten was born and raised here. Ryan has watched her follow the rules and live up to the standards of the upper class community. He realizes that Kirsten is different from the other ladies, but he can see in her eyes when she looks at him that she doesn't think he should be here. She pities him for his home life and he can't forgive her for that no matter how much he cares about her. Where his affection for her is because of her loving nature and willingness to care of him, her limited affection for him is due to her pity.
"Ryan? What are you doing out here? It's three a.m."
Ryan doesn't raise his eyes. "Marissa." The reason that he hasn't left yet. Beautiful, delicious, shattered Marissa. They had danced around each other the first few weeks, she was bound to Luke, her ex, and he was too fucked up from the drama in his own life to make a real play for her. Then she lost Luke, her parents' divorced and she overdosed on painkillers. Ryan stood by her the whole time, holding her when she couldn't stop crying and listening to her when she needed to talk. But he wouldn't offer himself to her as a lover or anything more than a friend. He knows from past experience that a person broken inside shouldn't depend on their lover for everything. They have to learn to depend on themselves first. So they are still dancing around their deeper feelings but they have become close friends. Closer than friends.
"Ryan? Are you alright?" She asks, sitting down beside him.
"Yeah. I'm fine."
"Then what are you doing out here? Smoking, no less?" She asks, unsure. He still doesn't meet her curious gaze. If he looks at her, he might tell her what he's thinking and that's something he can't afford. This has to be his decision. It is his decision. He'll only bring more pain and drama to everyone if he stays.
"Ryan. You've been quiet the last few days. Even quieter than normal. Even Seth's noticed. What's going on?"
Ryan glances at her, taking a final drag off the cigarette before tossing it into the street. "How'd you know I was out here?" He asks, not answering her question and lighting another cigarette.
She plucks it from his fingertips, startled. "I saw you out the window and I was worried. You're chain smoking these, now?"
He takes the smoke back from her and inhales again.
"Ryan. Please. Talk to me," Marissa whispers, putting her hand on the back of his neck. Her pleading voice breaks his stoicism.
"I can't," Ryan replies. She is startled when he finally meets her gaze. "Everything's fine." He looks away again, trying to ignore the knot in his stomach that is growing from her contact.
Ryan has always felt a connection with Marissa unlike any other person. He felt like he could see through her and could read her. Until tonight, he didn't think she felt the same way. No one's ever been able to read Ryan, he's too good at hiding for that.
"What is it?" She asks, worry leaking from her voice.
"Nothing. It's nothing."
"You're…you look like you're giving up or something. Like you're losing everything again. Ryan…"
"It's nothing, Marissa. Really," Ryan says, quietly.
"I don't believe you," She replies. He shrugs, needing her to leave so he can do this. He has to walk away. He owes the Cohen's that much. He's a time bomb and it's only a matter of time until he blows up in their face. Things have been too good for too long and he's kidding himself if he thinks that they're going to stay that way. He has to go. He has to move on to the next step.
"Ryan, if you don't start talking to me right now…" She starts.
"You'll what?" Ryan asks with a slight smile.
"I'll go wake up the Cohens," She replies seriously.
"What is it that I'm doing that worries you so much?" Ryan asks after a beat.
"I know you, Ryan. And something's wrong," Marissa replies.
"Nothing's wrong," He replies.
She is staring at him. He can feel her eyes on him, looking him over as if she can find the key to his mood on his face. He takes another drag off the cigarette.
"You're scaring me."
"I'm not meaning to. I'm just smoking," He replies indifferently. He wishes he could explain it to her. He won't let himself think about her face when she realizes he's gone. Seth will want answers from her when he finds out that she was the last one to talk to him. Ryan remembers that his backpack is setting under a nearby shrub. He hopes she doesn't spot it. He should have started walking already.
"You quit," She replies.
"I quit. Exactly," Ryan mutters.
"What?" She asks, not catching his words.
"I just need to be by myself, Marissa. I'm sorry. I'm not good company today."
"Ryan, you…listen." She takes his free hand and squeezes it. "You are my best friend. It takes a lot for me to say that since Summer's always been there for me but you…you understand me. I thought we understood each other. You…saved me from myself and it's unfair for you to shut me out like this. Why won't you talk to me?"
Ryan doesn't respond. His mind is too clouded with his feelings for Marissa right now for him to speak.
"Psst. What's going on?" Seth's voice startles them both. "What are you guys doing out here?"
"Nothing," Ryan answers before Marissa can respond.
"You're smoking? You better not let Mom see…" Seth says, sitting down beside Marissa. Ryan has explained to Seth that he can't be with her romantically so he knows that Seth won't leave because he thinks he's intruding.
"Something's up with Ryan," Marissa tells Seth.
"What?" Seth asks.
Ryan sighs, tossing his cigarette into the street near his other discarded butts.
"He won't tell me."
Seth tilts his head as he leans forward to look at his friend. Ryan notices his eyes flickering to the backpack. "Perhaps it has to do with his backpack over there." Marissa gasps.
And Ryan knows that he's busted. There's no way Seth or Marissa will understand why he has to leave. He won't be able to leave tonight and they'll be watching him day and night to make sure he stays.
"Ryan!" Marissa shakes his arm but he doesn't look at her. he silently lights another cigarette.
"What's up, man?" Seth asks, after a pause. "Are you leaving us?"
"Why, Ryan? Things are great…you're making, like, straight A's, you're almost off probation…" Seth starts.
"I can't explain this to you," Ryan whispers.
"Try," Seth states, quietly.
"Give us a reason not to go and wake up the Cohens."
"I don't belong here. Don't you feel it?" Ryan asks, his gaze locked on the cigarette in his hand. "I just don't fit. It's only a matter of time before everything comes apart." He waits for them to speak.
"You do belong, Ryan. I feel it. You belong with us. You belong with me."
Ryan is stunned when he feels Marissa's lips pressed against his. He lets himself enjoy it for a moment before pulling away. "No…"
She grabs his arm, keeping him from standing up. "Yes. You know it. You know that this is where you belong…"
"You don't know me," Ryan says, torn. "You guys don't know anything about me…I'm tainted…"
"You're my brother, Ryan. I can't believe that you could just walk away from that," Seth says, quietly.
"We need you, Ryan," Marissa whispers. "And you need us."
Ryan stops trying to pull away. He covers his face with his hand.
"Ryan. Stay. Stop running. Stop expecting things to fall apart. You can trust us," Marissa whispers.
"Please, Ryan? Let's go back inside," Seth says.
Ryan doesn't want to fight anymore. He nods. "Okay."
Marissa hugs him, happy. "Oh, baby…you scared me so bad…"
"Sorry…" He says, putting an arm around her and meeting Seth's gaze. "You going to tell your folks?"
"Do I need to?" He asks. "Can you give me your word that you'll stay?"
Ryan nods but doesn't speak. He can't promise anything. Not yet. But he'll give it some more time.