Omnipotent Author: OK. I'm ready. (Grabs Gambit from spare-fictional-hot-
guys-
to-obsess-over closet and sits him on her desk. Begins to
type-)
Disclaimer: JK Rowling,
Gambit: Wait a minute chere, dis a Harry Potter fanfic, not an X-Men fanfic.
Omnipotent Author: So?
Gambit: Gambit an X-MAN, not a wizard. You can' use me.
Omnipotent Author: (Begins to get teary-eyed.) But- but, you're my inspiration!
Gambit: Chere, you wan' me to inspire you to write a X-Harry Potter story?! Dat be stupid. (soon to come)
Omnipotent Author: Fine. (Snatches Gambit off the table, stalks to the window, under which every single female x-fan is rioting, and throws him out of it.
Fans: (flock away, appeased)
Omnipotent Author: (Goes over to closet, and unchains Fred Weasley and Sirius Black, and puts them on the table in Gambit's place.)
New Mob: (forms)
Disclaimer: (finally) JK Rowling, unfortunately, owns Harry Potter, not me (meanie). I would organize a lynch mob, but, then we wouldn't have any more Harry Potter. And, anyway, I'm a pacifist.
Mysterious Voice: Hello, and Welcome to- Hogwarts Edition Date Line!!!!
Audience: ...
Cricket in the audience: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!!!
Mysterious Voice: (unperturbed) And here's our hosts, Fred and George
Weasley!!!!!!
Audience: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!
Cricket in Audience: ...
Fred: Thank you, and-
Fred's voice: Wait, how can I be a host if I'm sitting right here on your computer desk?!
Omnipotent author: Shut up.
Fred's voice: But it doesn't make sense!!
Omnipotent author: Don't make me get duck tape.
Sirius's voice: Yes, please, duck tape.
Fred's voice: Why, you!!!
*scuffling noises*
Omnipotent author: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
...some duck tape later...
Omnipotent author: And now, back to the show!
Fred and Sirius's voices: Mmphrrrrmshmsh.
Fred: As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, its time to introduce our
first victim, errrrr, guest.
George: Welcome, Harry Potter! Lets give a big round of applause to The Boy
Who Lived!!!!
Audience: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!
Cricket in the audience: ... (is eaten by a giant potato because if it ever was
funny, it isn't now)
George: And now, for our firs- (a mysterious, yet familiar drawling voice interrupts
from the back of the great hall)
Voice: Wait!!!!!
Audience: (turns and looks)
Draco Malfoy: (who is obviously the voice) He's taken! (walks up front and puts
his arm protectively around Harry's shoulders)
Audience: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Fred: (obviously trying to hide an snigger) By who?
Hermione's voice out of the audience: You mean, by WHOM? Hasn't anyone
read The Oxford Book of Correct
English Grammar?
George: You mean beside you, no.
Fred: Anyway, back to the question, by WHO?
Hermione: *Grumblemumblegrumblemumble*
Malfoy: Me, duh, you insignificant blood traitor.
Audience: (snigger)
George: Ooooooooooooooo.
Fred: Really.
Harry: (beginning to turn a lovely shade of red) I don't know what you're talking
about.
Malfoy: (turning to Harry) You know, our torrid love affair.
Harry: (beginning to sweat) You're- you're a nutter.
Malfoy: But you read me poetry, you said we were in love!
Esme, X-Student and Stepford Cuckoo: Hey, that's my line!
Gambit: (warningly) Chere.
Harry: M- m- mental, that one.
Ron: Hey! That's my line!!
Everyone not aforementioned in the last five lines: SHUT UP!!!!!!!
Omnipotent Author: (suddenly appears)
Random Audience Member: wow. She's so... omnipotent.
Omnipotent author: Malfoy, do not reveal anymore, or I will
be forced to tickle you.
Malfoy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Everyone else: (disappointed) How come?
Omnipotent Author: Because I need to use it as a plot device.
Skully: Yeah, like you used my baby!!!!
Omnipotent Author: Skully, I don't even watch X-files, or write fanfics about them.
Besides, that wasn't me, it was Chris Carter.
Skully: Oh. Never mind. (is eaten randomly by a giant meatball)
Harry: Wait, if you're down here, who's up there typing?
Omnipotent author: You don't want to-
And the fork goes on the left of the plate
Omnipotent author: Yah!!! Martha Stewart! GET AWAY FROM THE
COMPUTER! (dives into the ceiling)
Everyone: Ok, then.
Fred: By order of omnipotent author, Malfoy must be removed! SECURITY!!!!!!
Harry: (false fervently) Y-yes, please.
Malfoy: Noooooooooo. Harry, my love. (sobs)
Troll Guards: *grunt*
Malfoy: (limp and sobbing, digs his heels into the floor)
Harry: (looks on verge of tears) eetmay enwhay isthay isay oneday.
Malfoy: (visibly brightens and allows trolls to drag him off stage)
George: Ok, that was disturbing.
Fred: OY! You obliviators! Come wipe our guest and his choices' memories.
George: Choices 'cause who would want to go out with him after that.
Fred: And Harry's 'cause its just funny that way.
Obliviators: (Obliviate)
George: Now,
Fred: Finally,
George: Its time to,
Fred: Introduce our,
Together: Contestan-
Omnipotent author: *sob*
Fred's voice: (having finally managed to free himself from the duck tape.) What's
up?
Omnipotent author: Its just, I- I- I miss Gambit sooo much! (Bursts into tears)
Fred's voice: Oh. *pause* But I bet Gambit doesn't have red, hair, freckles, and
his own joke shop.
Omnipotent author: Oh Fred!!!!!
(they fall into a violent make out session)
Sirius: (watches, looking disgruntled and mildly disturbed)
Omnipotent author: (breaks out of exuberant kiss and pecks Sirius on the
forehead so he won't feel left out. Goes back to making out
with Fred)
Sirius: (Falls over backwards into a stupor and stays there for the rest of the
fanfic)
Fred: (finally figured out that if he looks out of the computer he can watch) Ahem.
The show...
Omnipotent author: (looks embarrassed) Oh. Right. After the fanfic, darling.
Fred's voice: *sigh* Ok.
Fred: Now, lets introduce our first contestant.
George: She enjoys searching for imaginary creatures, and her father's the editor of the Quibbler!!!
Fred: Lets give a big hand for Loony Lovegood!!!!
Luna: (dreamily) Hello.
George: Now for our second contestant
Fred: She enjoys seducing men and moaning over her dead boyfriend!!!
George: Lets hear it for Choooooooooo Chang!!!!
Males in the audience: *whistle*
Females in the audience: She's not that pretty.
Cho: (seductively) Hi.
Males in the audience: (swoon)
Females in the audience: *tch*
Fred: And finally, she's a great Chaser and likes to play tricks on people.
George: Clap your hands together for- *gasp* (stares in horror at the cue card)
Fred: GINNY!!?!?!
Ginny: Hey! (grins impishly at her older brothers)
Weasley twins: (group glare)
George: Excuse us.
Fred: We're in the middle of a crisis here.
Audience: (raises eyebrows)
George: (Walks over to security troll and whispers something to it)
Fred: (follows)
Security Troll: *Grunt* (leaves)
Luna: (Stares dreamily out at audience)
Audience: (recoils)
Cho: (brushes hair)
Males in the audience: *sigh*
Females in the audience: (group glare at Cho)
Ginny: (waves at various people in audience)
Audience: (glances at the Weasley twins and grins ()
Security Troll: ( drags Lee Jordan to the Weasley twins, grunts, then goes away
and is randomly eaten by a giant rabid vegetarian)
Fred: OY!! You were in charge of casting. HOW DID GINNY GET ON!!!!!!!!
George: Yeah!!!!!
Lee: Sorry, mates, I tried, but she threatened me with bodily injury if I didn't let
her.
Fred: SOOOOO!!!!!!!
George: Yeah, SOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Lee: Well... (seems unable to deal with this outstanding argument)...uh...well......I
......er.....didn't want any bodily injury. Its not something I go out of my way
to receive.
Fred: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MATTER?!?!?!?! YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE
BLOODY WELL LET HER ON!!!!!!
George: Yeah, WHAT THE-
Fred: (turns to George) WILL YOU STOP REPEATING WHAT I SAY AND BACK
ME UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
George: errrrrrr......uh........you were .............naughty?
Fred: (holds his hands really stiff, clenches his teeth, and starts breathing in that
weird way people do when they want it to look like they're really angry)
Audience: Must- resist- urge- to roll- eyes.
Fred: (turns back to Lee, still looking all weird)
Lee: Listen, now matter how much you yell at me, it won't get her off the show.
She's an adult now and you're not her boss. You can only throw her off if
she breaks the rules.
Fred: (shoulders sag slightly as he calms down) Well, I'll be watching. (turns to
George and glares at him)
George: Yeah, we'll be watching.
Fred: (gives exaggerated sigh, then gives Ginny an extremely dirty look) Well,
back to th-
Fred's voice: Hey, I would never be that mean to Ginny. (omnipotent author
mutters: reeeeaaaaaallly) And George isn't that stupid.
George's voice: (muffled)Yeah, George isn't that stupid.
Pause as Everyone in the universe goes Ummmmmm, ok then
Omnipotent Author: (after the universal ummmmmm, ok then) Well, they're not
really modeled after you. Their sort of alter- egos
Fred's voice: Oh. *pause* You realize that doesn't explain anything, don't you?
Omnipotent Author: Well, yeah.
Fred's voice: Just letting you know.
Random Mysterious Voice: You do know that the Fred in the story is more like
Fred from the Harry Potter series than the one in
italics is.
Omnipotent Author: *GASP* YOU'RE RIGHT!!!!
Dumb Fred's voice: What, no!!!
Omnipotent Author: I KNEW YOU WERE LACKING A CERTAIN AURA OF
HOTNESS!!!!
Dumb Fred's voice: No, PLEASE!!!!!
Omnipotent Author: I think I'll REWRITE YOUR PERSONALITY!
Dumb Fred's voice: NOOOOOO-
Misplaced computer bytes: *Gargle*
New Fred's Voice: Hey.
Omnipotent Author: YAY!!!! He's SEXY!!!!!!!!!
*pause*
Omnipotent Author: Never mind.
Fred: Ok, I'm glad my alter-ego has finally turned into me, but CAN WE
PLEASE GET ON WITH THE DAMN SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omnipotent Author: Well, technically, your New Fred's Voice's alter-ego, not the
other way around, and he's just an alter- ego of the Fred from
bo-
Fred: Shut it, or I'll (despite the computer screen in between, still manages to
whisper in the Omnipotent Author's ear)
Omnipotent Author: You wouldn't.
Fred: I would.
Omnipotent Author: NOOOOO!!!!! I HATE BURGER KING!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!
I'LL SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fred: Good. Now finally. Back to the show with no more interupp-
Mysterious Voice: And that's all the time we have for today. Join us next time o-
Fred: STUPIFY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mysterious Voice: (falls unconscious)
Fred: As I was saying, no more interruptions. George, will you introduce the final
final contestant.
George: Lets give a big round of rotten tomatoes for Lucious Malfoy!!!
Audience: (conjures rotten tomatoes and starts to thr-)
Omnipotent Author: You can't put Lucious Malfoy in! That's completely
PERVERTED!!!!! Its worse than that whole
Draco Malfoy/ Harry Potter thing! (Harry: What Draco
Malfoy/Harry Potter thing?) It's disgus-
Fred: DOUBLE WHOPPER MEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omnipotent author: YAH!!!! (shuts up)
Omnipotent author: ...
Fred: And NO ELIPSES EITHER!!!!! *pause* Now, audience, begin.
Audience: (finally is allowed to throw the rotten tomatoes)
Cho: (looks up from re-re-re-re-re-applying mascara. Single Males: sigh) Ew.
I got tomato goo in my hair. Scourgify! (gets the tomato goo off, but also
removes all make-up)
Males in the Audience: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (recoil)
Females in the Audience: I told you so.
Cho: ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!! (undertone) need- more- makeup
Beautify!!!! (looks gorgeous again)
Males: She looks hot, but I can't forget the unspeakable horror that LIES
BENEATH THAT STUNNING FACE!!!!!! ( cling to spouse/girlfriend/etc.)
Spouse/Girlfriend/Etcs.: (look smug)
Fred: Good point.
George: OY!!!! You obliviators! Come modify our guest's memory again, and
while, you're at it, I think our male audience could use some too!!!
Spouse/Girlfriend/Etcs.: WAIT, NO!!!!! (too late)
Obliviators: (obliviate)
Wall sections: (go up)
Males in audience: (let go of spouse/girlfriend/etc. with a disgusted look on their
face and go back to staring mindlessly at Cho)
Spouse/Girlfriend/Etcs.: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Harry: Where am I?
George: On Hogwarts Date-Line. We were just about to begin.
Harry: Oh, I remember now!!!
Fred: Really?
Harry: No.
Fred: Ok, then. Now, for our first question.
Harry: ...er....The capital of Algeria.
Hermione: *bing* What is Algers.
George: Oops, sorry, wrong card. (switches cards)
Harry: If you were to take me on a romantic vacation, where would we go?
Fred: Contestant # 1?
Luna: Well, I've always wanted to go to Sweden. We could search by moonlight
for the Crumple Horned Snorkack , then we could find a non- infested
mistletoe and...
George: Luna, remember you don't want to reveal to Harry who you really
arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre (trails of)
Fred: Too late.
George: OY!!!! YOU OBLIVIATORS!!!!!
Obliviators: (obliviate)
Obliviator#1: This job sucks.
Obliviator#2: Lets do something drastic and disturbing about it.
Obliviator:#3: Yeah, but not 'till the next episode, we don't wanna get Fred pissed
again.
Obliviators: (all agree) yeah...
Fred: (has been standing there tapping his foot) Guess what! YOU'RE GETTING
FRED PISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Obliviators: eep! (run away)
Fred: *twitch* *twitch* (creepy smile) Contestant # 2?
Cho: I think first, we'd go to Paris. I love Paris, I used to work there. We could
have dinner in one of those fancy French cuisines and then, we'd rent a
hotel room with one double bed and-
Omnipotent Author: STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can BEAR NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO MORE
PERV HOOKER REFRENCE THINGS!!!! YAGHHHHHHH!!!!
Fred: I'd have to agree with you. Unfortunately for you, I'm still going to say it
because it amuses me. BIG KIDS MEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omnipotent Author: No, I'm no longer afraid of fast food restaurants. I've grown
in many ways and (begins ranting)
Fred: K-MART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omnipotent author: YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (cowers under computer
chair)
Cho: I'm out of the spotlight! (pouts)
Males In the audience: (Stops watching the idiocy of the Omnipotent Author and
stare fixedly at Cho in 'certain places')
Cho: If I wasn't such a slut, I would feel uncomfortable.
Females In the audience: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Fred: (Begins to tear his hair out)
Females: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Fred: (stops) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
INTERUPTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
People: Sorry. Sheesh.
George: Contestant #3? (in an undertone) Deep breath. Breath in, and out.
Ginny: I'd really like to see the world cup again. It would be really cool if we could
go to a foreign country to see it, and we would have a two person tent
with-
Fred: (loudly) TOO SEPRATE ROOMS.
George: WITH A SEPARATE BED IN EACH ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Harry: Ooooooooooooo. Sounds fun. EXCEPT FOR THE HOSTS ADDITIONS!!!!
(thoughtful) It almost seems like they're being over-protective of you. I
wonder why...
George: Uh oh. OY!! OBLIVIATORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Obliviators: (obliviate)
Harry: *mirstash*
George: In answer to your question, you are on Hogwarts Dateline and on a
romantic holiday Contestant #1 would take you to Switzerland,
Contestant #2 would take you to Paris, and Contestant #3-
Fred: SAID THEY WOULD MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ginny: I DID NOT!!!!! I said I would take you to the Quidditch World Cup and-
George: OBLIVIATORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OY!!!!!!!!!!!!!(tries to
block out Ginny)
Harry: Ooooooooooooooooo. Quidditch.
Obliviators: We quit.
Fred: What?!
Obliviators: wequitbye (run away)
Fred: They QUIT?!?!?!?! They can't QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!
George: Actually, they can.
Fred: YAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
George: What about the show?
Fred: (spacey) Yes, right, the show. Must continue with show.
George: *blink* Contestant # 4?
Lucious: Well, first I would take him to my favorite Polyjuice brothel
and-
Omnipotent Author: This is PG-13, you pureblood bastard!!!!!!!!!
Fred's voice: What fun is that?
Omnipotent Author: Well, see, errrrrrr......., Oh, what the fuck.
(falls onto
Fred(voice version))
George: Uh, guys, sorry to interrupt but I think Fred's going to have
an embolism if we don't get on
with the show.
Omnipotent Author: Oh, right. After the show, love.
Fred's Voice: *grumblemumble*
Lucious: As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by that
mudblood
bitch, I-
Omnipotent Author: Pureblood bastard.
Lucious: Useless whore.
Omnipotent Author: *Gasp*
Fred's voice: You-
Omnipotent Author: You god damn fucking assho-
Fred: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (rolls into a ball and lays on the
floor twitching)
Omnipotent Author: (hurriedly) And on with the show.
Fred: (gets up) You were saying Contestant # 4?
Lucious: I was saying I would take you to my favorite Polyjuice brothel, then
murder you, then ra-
George: INAPPROPRIATE COMMENT INSERTED HERE!!!
Lucious: - body, then take you to the Dark Lord as proof of my eternal
loyalty and servitude. He's been kinda pissed since the whole
losing-the-prophecy incident.
Fred: That doesn't sound very romantic.
Lucious: It depends who you're talking about.
George: Ok, I'm disturbed, lets move on.
Harry: If we were stranded on an island without our wands, do you have any skills that would come in use?
Luna: Well, I could probably find a kneazle trail, and they always lead to kneazle
nests, which lead to eggs and water and-
Harry: Contestant # 2?
Cho: I know which plants make the best hair care products.
Harry: (undertone, sarcastic) that's useful (normal voice) Contestant # 3.
Ginny: Well, Mum had me take a muggle course in survival when I was younger
In case that ever happened.
Harry: Cool. Now, if-
Fred: (grins wickedly) You skipped contestant # 4, Harry.
Harry: Oh. *heh heh* Will you l-look at that. How s-silly of me. Contestant *gulp*
# 4?
Lucious: Well, I could use my Dark Mark tattoo to contact my Lord Voldemort-
Audience: *GASP*
Lucious: -thereby saving me and killing you.
Harry: Well, that's not too bad, I guess, I mean, it-
Lucious: But first, I would take advantage of you and r-
Harry: STTOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lucious: out of you.
looooooooooooong silence, only Harry's screwed breathing is heard
George: Next question, Harry?
Harry: Right, the- the next question. If- HEY, I'M NOT GOING TO ASK THAT!!!!!!!
Fred: Wanna bet?
Harry: YES!!!!!!
George: We'll chose for you if you don't ask.
Harry: Fine.
Fred: Cool. You owe us 20 galleons.
Harry: WHAT! I didn't even say I was betting for money!!!!
George: Moot point.
Harry: *glarestare* Contestant # 1, if you were to get a tattoo, what and were...
would... it... be?
Luna: Hmmmmmmm. *pause* I would get a Splintercat on my-
Harry: Contestant # 2?
Males in Audience: (Thought you'd seen the last of them, eh?) NO!!!
Cho: (Looks pleased) What, and mar my perfect skin?
Harry: Ok, no comment. Number 3?
Ginny: I would get a golden snitch on my upper right arm.
Harry: Cool.
Fred: Now its time for our-
George: Wait, He skipped Contestant # 4 again.
Fred: Yeah, yeah he did.
Both: (evil grins) Haaaaaaarrrrrry?
Harry: What?
George: Contestant 4 is waiting...
Harry: I don't care.
Fred: Come on, ask 'im. Harry: NO!!!!!
George: You have-
Harry: (like a little kid) I'M NOT LISTENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fred: Harry-
Harry: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
George: HARRY POTTER, YOU BETTER ASK HIM RIGHT NOW OR I'LL-
Harry: YOU CAN'T MAKE ME CUZ I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fred: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Audience: SHUT UP!!!!!!
Fred, Harry, and George: *jump*
George: Harry...
Harry: Nuh, uh. No bloody way.
Fred: (acts long suffering) Contestant # 4, same question.
Lucious: You see, I already have a tattoo. (points at his dark mark) But if I were
to get another one, I would (tells them).
Audience: *whimper*
Omnipotent Author: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY VIRGIN
EARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fred: (recovers at once) You have VIRGIN EARS!?!?!?!
George: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omnipotent Author: Well, no, not really, but it fit in so well there. And that was
really disturbing.
Fred and George: VIRGIN EARS!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omnipotent Author: Shut up!
Fred and George: VIRGIN EARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omnipotent author: (supreme booming God author voice) BE
QUIET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fred and George: eep!!!!!
Omnipotent Author: Why didn't I think of that before?
George: (recovers) Anyway, Harry will eliminate one of the contestants right after
this commercial break!!!!
Fred: NOOOOOOOOO!!!! THE INTERRUPTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (runs around the
stage screaming)
George: Oh shit, not ag-
(cut to commercial)
Voice: Are you tired of everyone running away when you smile? Do your yellow
really undermine your social life? Then get Gilderoy's Whitening Magical
Teeth Whitener!
(pause)
Voice: (Hisses) That's your cue, dumbass!
Lockhart: (from off stage) Are you talking to me?
Voice: (shoves Lockhart on stage)
Lockhart: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. HI! My name is, er, ah, what is it again?
Audience: *laughs*
Voice: Gilderoy Lockhart!
Lockhart: It is? Ok, what he says. And I'm here to tell you that you should buy,
uh, laundry detergent?
Voice: GILDEROY'S WHITENING MAGICAL TEETH WHITENER!!!!!!!!!
Lockhart: (Stumbles over the words) Gindorey's Whitening Magigical, err,
WHO WANTS AN AUTOGRAPH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fangirls: WE DO!!!!! (rush at him screaming)
Voice: (Hits itself on the head)
(fade out)
George: And we're back with Hogwarts Dateline, were Harry is about to vote off
least appealing mystery date.
Fred: (stops screaming) We're back?
George: Yeah...
Fred: No more interruptions?
George: uh huh....
Fred: YAY!!!! (calms down) But first, each of Harry's choices has to explain we he
shouldn't vote them off.
Harry: Ok, (decides to get the worst over with first) Contestant #4, why shouldn't I
vote you off.
Lucious: Because you're an idiot?
Harry: Well, it could be a lot worse-
Lucious: I mean, what kind of moronic bastard goes around keeping people on a
Dateline Show when they want to murder and rape them, then deliver
their body to the Darkest Wizard ever.
Harry: *whimper* ... never mind
Harry: (recovers) Contestant # 1?
Luna: Well, I don't really know. Perhaps because you want to rid yourself of #4
more?
Harry: That was particularly unhelpful. Number 2?
Cho: Because I'm drop dead gorgeous, that's why.
Males in the Audience: *CHEER*
Lucious: Useless whore.
Cho: HEY!!!! I AM NOT USELESS!!!!
*pause*
Harry: Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. Contestant #3?
Ginny: Because we have so much in common, Harry!
Fred: (pulls George over and starts conversing in a whispered voice, unnoticed
by anyone, except the two of them, duh)
Ginny: (continues) Like, we both love Quidditch, and have a great sense of
humor, and-
George: CONTESTANT #3, YOU'VE BEEN OFICIALLY DISQUALIFIED!!!!!!!
Harry: What, NO!
Ginny: WHY!!!!
Fred: (triumphant) You're not allowed to compare yourself to the guest!!!!!
Ginny: (angry) You made that up!!!
George: No, see, its in the RULE BOOK! (shoves a black book at Ginny) It's on
page 397, under clause 48, the third one down.
Ginny: That says "You may not wash your socks in the hosts stomach fluid!"
Fred: Yeah, well, you can't take these things literally. SECURITY!!!
Ginny: (is dragged away by a severely chewed troll) Bye, Harry!
Harry: (gasps as Ginny is dragged past) You're Ginny! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
I'll, I'll find you when I'm back, ok?
Twins: Suuuuuuuuuuuuure you will.
Fred: Anyway, Harry, its time for the final question!
Harry: Shut up, can't you see I'm in mourning here?!
George: Just ask the stupid question, or I'll interrupt the show, and you'll have
Fred to deal with.
Harry: *mumbles something very offensive*
George: Oh, I'm so hurt. Fine if that's the way you want it-
Harry: (hurriedly) Ok, if I was hanging over the edge of a cliff, about to fall to my
death, what would you do?
Luna: Save you, of course.
Cho: It would all depend on whether it was time to freshen up or not.
Lucious: Ignore you, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Omnipotent Author: Hey, that's an authors laugh! You can't use that, its
COPYWRITED!
Lucious: And I care because...
Fred: INTERRUPTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHH!!!
George: Anditstimeforharrytomakehischoice, NOW!
Fred: (calms down)
Harry: Errrrrrrrrrr, lets see, perv Death Eater, preppy ex-hooker, or she- who-
is-completely-out-of-it. Death Eater will kill me, hooker's fans will kill me,
and she-who-is-completely-out-of-it will, er, be completely of it. I PICK
NUMBER 1!!!!!!
Voice: (having finally regained conciousness, although how a disembodied voice
can be unconscious is beyond even my magical author power to divine)
You've just won an eight night Caribbean Cruise to, well, THE
CARIBBEAN, and a date with LUNA LOVEGOOD!!!!!!!
Harry: EEK, NO! Oh, er, uh, hi, Luna, what's up with you?
Lucious: Shit, I guess its back to Azkaban.
Cho: (is enveloped by a horde of screaming spouses/girl friends/ etc.)
Voice: And that's all the time we have today, good bye, and-
Fred: INTERRUPTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!
George: No, Fred, the show is over.
Fred: Oh. Never mind.
Malfoy: (Slinks on stage) Harry, come on! The shows over, lets go!
Harry: What are you talking about?!
Malfoy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Sirius's Voice: (rises from stupor) What'd I miss?
Omnipotent Author's notes: Ok, sorry that was sooooooooo long, it was my first
and I got kind of carried away. The next one will be
shorter, promise. Anyway, you know what to do-
REVIEW!!!!!
to-obsess-over closet and sits him on her desk. Begins to
type-)
Disclaimer: JK Rowling,
Gambit: Wait a minute chere, dis a Harry Potter fanfic, not an X-Men fanfic.
Omnipotent Author: So?
Gambit: Gambit an X-MAN, not a wizard. You can' use me.
Omnipotent Author: (Begins to get teary-eyed.) But- but, you're my inspiration!
Gambit: Chere, you wan' me to inspire you to write a X-Harry Potter story?! Dat be stupid. (soon to come)
Omnipotent Author: Fine. (Snatches Gambit off the table, stalks to the window, under which every single female x-fan is rioting, and throws him out of it.
Fans: (flock away, appeased)
Omnipotent Author: (Goes over to closet, and unchains Fred Weasley and Sirius Black, and puts them on the table in Gambit's place.)
New Mob: (forms)
Disclaimer: (finally) JK Rowling, unfortunately, owns Harry Potter, not me (meanie). I would organize a lynch mob, but, then we wouldn't have any more Harry Potter. And, anyway, I'm a pacifist.
Mysterious Voice: Hello, and Welcome to- Hogwarts Edition Date Line!!!!
Audience: ...
Cricket in the audience: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!!!
Mysterious Voice: (unperturbed) And here's our hosts, Fred and George
Weasley!!!!!!
Audience: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!
Cricket in Audience: ...
Fred: Thank you, and-
Fred's voice: Wait, how can I be a host if I'm sitting right here on your computer desk?!
Omnipotent author: Shut up.
Fred's voice: But it doesn't make sense!!
Omnipotent author: Don't make me get duck tape.
Sirius's voice: Yes, please, duck tape.
Fred's voice: Why, you!!!
*scuffling noises*
Omnipotent author: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
...some duck tape later...
Omnipotent author: And now, back to the show!
Fred and Sirius's voices: Mmphrrrrmshmsh.
Fred: As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, its time to introduce our
first victim, errrrr, guest.
George: Welcome, Harry Potter! Lets give a big round of applause to The Boy
Who Lived!!!!
Audience: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!
Cricket in the audience: ... (is eaten by a giant potato because if it ever was
funny, it isn't now)
George: And now, for our firs- (a mysterious, yet familiar drawling voice interrupts
from the back of the great hall)
Voice: Wait!!!!!
Audience: (turns and looks)
Draco Malfoy: (who is obviously the voice) He's taken! (walks up front and puts
his arm protectively around Harry's shoulders)
Audience: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Fred: (obviously trying to hide an snigger) By who?
Hermione's voice out of the audience: You mean, by WHOM? Hasn't anyone
read The Oxford Book of Correct
English Grammar?
George: You mean beside you, no.
Fred: Anyway, back to the question, by WHO?
Hermione: *Grumblemumblegrumblemumble*
Malfoy: Me, duh, you insignificant blood traitor.
Audience: (snigger)
George: Ooooooooooooooo.
Fred: Really.
Harry: (beginning to turn a lovely shade of red) I don't know what you're talking
about.
Malfoy: (turning to Harry) You know, our torrid love affair.
Harry: (beginning to sweat) You're- you're a nutter.
Malfoy: But you read me poetry, you said we were in love!
Esme, X-Student and Stepford Cuckoo: Hey, that's my line!
Gambit: (warningly) Chere.
Harry: M- m- mental, that one.
Ron: Hey! That's my line!!
Everyone not aforementioned in the last five lines: SHUT UP!!!!!!!
Omnipotent Author: (suddenly appears)
Random Audience Member: wow. She's so... omnipotent.
Omnipotent author: Malfoy, do not reveal anymore, or I will
be forced to tickle you.
Malfoy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Everyone else: (disappointed) How come?
Omnipotent Author: Because I need to use it as a plot device.
Skully: Yeah, like you used my baby!!!!
Omnipotent Author: Skully, I don't even watch X-files, or write fanfics about them.
Besides, that wasn't me, it was Chris Carter.
Skully: Oh. Never mind. (is eaten randomly by a giant meatball)
Harry: Wait, if you're down here, who's up there typing?
Omnipotent author: You don't want to-
And the fork goes on the left of the plate
Omnipotent author: Yah!!! Martha Stewart! GET AWAY FROM THE
COMPUTER! (dives into the ceiling)
Everyone: Ok, then.
Fred: By order of omnipotent author, Malfoy must be removed! SECURITY!!!!!!
Harry: (false fervently) Y-yes, please.
Malfoy: Noooooooooo. Harry, my love. (sobs)
Troll Guards: *grunt*
Malfoy: (limp and sobbing, digs his heels into the floor)
Harry: (looks on verge of tears) eetmay enwhay isthay isay oneday.
Malfoy: (visibly brightens and allows trolls to drag him off stage)
George: Ok, that was disturbing.
Fred: OY! You obliviators! Come wipe our guest and his choices' memories.
George: Choices 'cause who would want to go out with him after that.
Fred: And Harry's 'cause its just funny that way.
Obliviators: (Obliviate)
George: Now,
Fred: Finally,
George: Its time to,
Fred: Introduce our,
Together: Contestan-
Omnipotent author: *sob*
Fred's voice: (having finally managed to free himself from the duck tape.) What's
up?
Omnipotent author: Its just, I- I- I miss Gambit sooo much! (Bursts into tears)
Fred's voice: Oh. *pause* But I bet Gambit doesn't have red, hair, freckles, and
his own joke shop.
Omnipotent author: Oh Fred!!!!!
(they fall into a violent make out session)
Sirius: (watches, looking disgruntled and mildly disturbed)
Omnipotent author: (breaks out of exuberant kiss and pecks Sirius on the
forehead so he won't feel left out. Goes back to making out
with Fred)
Sirius: (Falls over backwards into a stupor and stays there for the rest of the
fanfic)
Fred: (finally figured out that if he looks out of the computer he can watch) Ahem.
The show...
Omnipotent author: (looks embarrassed) Oh. Right. After the fanfic, darling.
Fred's voice: *sigh* Ok.
Fred: Now, lets introduce our first contestant.
George: She enjoys searching for imaginary creatures, and her father's the editor of the Quibbler!!!
Fred: Lets give a big hand for Loony Lovegood!!!!
Luna: (dreamily) Hello.
George: Now for our second contestant
Fred: She enjoys seducing men and moaning over her dead boyfriend!!!
George: Lets hear it for Choooooooooo Chang!!!!
Males in the audience: *whistle*
Females in the audience: She's not that pretty.
Cho: (seductively) Hi.
Males in the audience: (swoon)
Females in the audience: *tch*
Fred: And finally, she's a great Chaser and likes to play tricks on people.
George: Clap your hands together for- *gasp* (stares in horror at the cue card)
Fred: GINNY!!?!?!
Ginny: Hey! (grins impishly at her older brothers)
Weasley twins: (group glare)
George: Excuse us.
Fred: We're in the middle of a crisis here.
Audience: (raises eyebrows)
George: (Walks over to security troll and whispers something to it)
Fred: (follows)
Security Troll: *Grunt* (leaves)
Luna: (Stares dreamily out at audience)
Audience: (recoils)
Cho: (brushes hair)
Males in the audience: *sigh*
Females in the audience: (group glare at Cho)
Ginny: (waves at various people in audience)
Audience: (glances at the Weasley twins and grins ()
Security Troll: ( drags Lee Jordan to the Weasley twins, grunts, then goes away
and is randomly eaten by a giant rabid vegetarian)
Fred: OY!! You were in charge of casting. HOW DID GINNY GET ON!!!!!!!!
George: Yeah!!!!!
Lee: Sorry, mates, I tried, but she threatened me with bodily injury if I didn't let
her.
Fred: SOOOOO!!!!!!!
George: Yeah, SOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Lee: Well... (seems unable to deal with this outstanding argument)...uh...well......I
......er.....didn't want any bodily injury. Its not something I go out of my way
to receive.
Fred: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MATTER?!?!?!?! YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE
BLOODY WELL LET HER ON!!!!!!
George: Yeah, WHAT THE-
Fred: (turns to George) WILL YOU STOP REPEATING WHAT I SAY AND BACK
ME UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
George: errrrrrr......uh........you were .............naughty?
Fred: (holds his hands really stiff, clenches his teeth, and starts breathing in that
weird way people do when they want it to look like they're really angry)
Audience: Must- resist- urge- to roll- eyes.
Fred: (turns back to Lee, still looking all weird)
Lee: Listen, now matter how much you yell at me, it won't get her off the show.
She's an adult now and you're not her boss. You can only throw her off if
she breaks the rules.
Fred: (shoulders sag slightly as he calms down) Well, I'll be watching. (turns to
George and glares at him)
George: Yeah, we'll be watching.
Fred: (gives exaggerated sigh, then gives Ginny an extremely dirty look) Well,
back to th-
Fred's voice: Hey, I would never be that mean to Ginny. (omnipotent author
mutters: reeeeaaaaaallly) And George isn't that stupid.
George's voice: (muffled)Yeah, George isn't that stupid.
Pause as Everyone in the universe goes Ummmmmm, ok then
Omnipotent Author: (after the universal ummmmmm, ok then) Well, they're not
really modeled after you. Their sort of alter- egos
Fred's voice: Oh. *pause* You realize that doesn't explain anything, don't you?
Omnipotent Author: Well, yeah.
Fred's voice: Just letting you know.
Random Mysterious Voice: You do know that the Fred in the story is more like
Fred from the Harry Potter series than the one in
italics is.
Omnipotent Author: *GASP* YOU'RE RIGHT!!!!
Dumb Fred's voice: What, no!!!
Omnipotent Author: I KNEW YOU WERE LACKING A CERTAIN AURA OF
HOTNESS!!!!
Dumb Fred's voice: No, PLEASE!!!!!
Omnipotent Author: I think I'll REWRITE YOUR PERSONALITY!
Dumb Fred's voice: NOOOOOO-
Misplaced computer bytes: *Gargle*
New Fred's Voice: Hey.
Omnipotent Author: YAY!!!! He's SEXY!!!!!!!!!
*pause*
Omnipotent Author: Never mind.
Fred: Ok, I'm glad my alter-ego has finally turned into me, but CAN WE
PLEASE GET ON WITH THE DAMN SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omnipotent Author: Well, technically, your New Fred's Voice's alter-ego, not the
other way around, and he's just an alter- ego of the Fred from
bo-
Fred: Shut it, or I'll (despite the computer screen in between, still manages to
whisper in the Omnipotent Author's ear)
Omnipotent Author: You wouldn't.
Fred: I would.
Omnipotent Author: NOOOOO!!!!! I HATE BURGER KING!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!
I'LL SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fred: Good. Now finally. Back to the show with no more interupp-
Mysterious Voice: And that's all the time we have for today. Join us next time o-
Fred: STUPIFY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mysterious Voice: (falls unconscious)
Fred: As I was saying, no more interruptions. George, will you introduce the final
final contestant.
George: Lets give a big round of rotten tomatoes for Lucious Malfoy!!!
Audience: (conjures rotten tomatoes and starts to thr-)
Omnipotent Author: You can't put Lucious Malfoy in! That's completely
PERVERTED!!!!! Its worse than that whole
Draco Malfoy/ Harry Potter thing! (Harry: What Draco
Malfoy/Harry Potter thing?) It's disgus-
Fred: DOUBLE WHOPPER MEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omnipotent author: YAH!!!! (shuts up)
Omnipotent author: ...
Fred: And NO ELIPSES EITHER!!!!! *pause* Now, audience, begin.
Audience: (finally is allowed to throw the rotten tomatoes)
Cho: (looks up from re-re-re-re-re-applying mascara. Single Males: sigh) Ew.
I got tomato goo in my hair. Scourgify! (gets the tomato goo off, but also
removes all make-up)
Males in the Audience: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (recoil)
Females in the Audience: I told you so.
Cho: ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!! (undertone) need- more- makeup
Beautify!!!! (looks gorgeous again)
Males: She looks hot, but I can't forget the unspeakable horror that LIES
BENEATH THAT STUNNING FACE!!!!!! ( cling to spouse/girlfriend/etc.)
Spouse/Girlfriend/Etcs.: (look smug)
Fred: Good point.
George: OY!!!! You obliviators! Come modify our guest's memory again, and
while, you're at it, I think our male audience could use some too!!!
Spouse/Girlfriend/Etcs.: WAIT, NO!!!!! (too late)
Obliviators: (obliviate)
Wall sections: (go up)
Males in audience: (let go of spouse/girlfriend/etc. with a disgusted look on their
face and go back to staring mindlessly at Cho)
Spouse/Girlfriend/Etcs.: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Harry: Where am I?
George: On Hogwarts Date-Line. We were just about to begin.
Harry: Oh, I remember now!!!
Fred: Really?
Harry: No.
Fred: Ok, then. Now, for our first question.
Harry: ...er....The capital of Algeria.
Hermione: *bing* What is Algers.
George: Oops, sorry, wrong card. (switches cards)
Harry: If you were to take me on a romantic vacation, where would we go?
Fred: Contestant # 1?
Luna: Well, I've always wanted to go to Sweden. We could search by moonlight
for the Crumple Horned Snorkack , then we could find a non- infested
mistletoe and...
George: Luna, remember you don't want to reveal to Harry who you really
arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre (trails of)
Fred: Too late.
George: OY!!!! YOU OBLIVIATORS!!!!!
Obliviators: (obliviate)
Obliviator#1: This job sucks.
Obliviator#2: Lets do something drastic and disturbing about it.
Obliviator:#3: Yeah, but not 'till the next episode, we don't wanna get Fred pissed
again.
Obliviators: (all agree) yeah...
Fred: (has been standing there tapping his foot) Guess what! YOU'RE GETTING
FRED PISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Obliviators: eep! (run away)
Fred: *twitch* *twitch* (creepy smile) Contestant # 2?
Cho: I think first, we'd go to Paris. I love Paris, I used to work there. We could
have dinner in one of those fancy French cuisines and then, we'd rent a
hotel room with one double bed and-
Omnipotent Author: STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can BEAR NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO MORE
PERV HOOKER REFRENCE THINGS!!!! YAGHHHHHHH!!!!
Fred: I'd have to agree with you. Unfortunately for you, I'm still going to say it
because it amuses me. BIG KIDS MEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omnipotent Author: No, I'm no longer afraid of fast food restaurants. I've grown
in many ways and (begins ranting)
Fred: K-MART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omnipotent author: YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (cowers under computer
chair)
Cho: I'm out of the spotlight! (pouts)
Males In the audience: (Stops watching the idiocy of the Omnipotent Author and
stare fixedly at Cho in 'certain places')
Cho: If I wasn't such a slut, I would feel uncomfortable.
Females In the audience: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Fred: (Begins to tear his hair out)
Females: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Fred: (stops) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
INTERUPTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
People: Sorry. Sheesh.
George: Contestant #3? (in an undertone) Deep breath. Breath in, and out.
Ginny: I'd really like to see the world cup again. It would be really cool if we could
go to a foreign country to see it, and we would have a two person tent
with-
Fred: (loudly) TOO SEPRATE ROOMS.
George: WITH A SEPARATE BED IN EACH ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Harry: Ooooooooooooo. Sounds fun. EXCEPT FOR THE HOSTS ADDITIONS!!!!
(thoughtful) It almost seems like they're being over-protective of you. I
wonder why...
George: Uh oh. OY!! OBLIVIATORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Obliviators: (obliviate)
Harry: *mirstash*
George: In answer to your question, you are on Hogwarts Dateline and on a
romantic holiday Contestant #1 would take you to Switzerland,
Contestant #2 would take you to Paris, and Contestant #3-
Fred: SAID THEY WOULD MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ginny: I DID NOT!!!!! I said I would take you to the Quidditch World Cup and-
George: OBLIVIATORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OY!!!!!!!!!!!!!(tries to
block out Ginny)
Harry: Ooooooooooooooooo. Quidditch.
Obliviators: We quit.
Fred: What?!
Obliviators: wequitbye (run away)
Fred: They QUIT?!?!?!?! They can't QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!
George: Actually, they can.
Fred: YAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
George: What about the show?
Fred: (spacey) Yes, right, the show. Must continue with show.
George: *blink* Contestant # 4?
Lucious: Well, first I would take him to my favorite Polyjuice brothel
and-
Omnipotent Author: This is PG-13, you pureblood bastard!!!!!!!!!
Fred's voice: What fun is that?
Omnipotent Author: Well, see, errrrrrr......., Oh, what the fuck.
(falls onto
Fred(voice version))
George: Uh, guys, sorry to interrupt but I think Fred's going to have
an embolism if we don't get on
with the show.
Omnipotent Author: Oh, right. After the show, love.
Fred's Voice: *grumblemumble*
Lucious: As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by that
mudblood
bitch, I-
Omnipotent Author: Pureblood bastard.
Lucious: Useless whore.
Omnipotent Author: *Gasp*
Fred's voice: You-
Omnipotent Author: You god damn fucking assho-
Fred: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (rolls into a ball and lays on the
floor twitching)
Omnipotent Author: (hurriedly) And on with the show.
Fred: (gets up) You were saying Contestant # 4?
Lucious: I was saying I would take you to my favorite Polyjuice brothel, then
murder you, then ra-
George: INAPPROPRIATE COMMENT INSERTED HERE!!!
Lucious: - body, then take you to the Dark Lord as proof of my eternal
loyalty and servitude. He's been kinda pissed since the whole
losing-the-prophecy incident.
Fred: That doesn't sound very romantic.
Lucious: It depends who you're talking about.
George: Ok, I'm disturbed, lets move on.
Harry: If we were stranded on an island without our wands, do you have any skills that would come in use?
Luna: Well, I could probably find a kneazle trail, and they always lead to kneazle
nests, which lead to eggs and water and-
Harry: Contestant # 2?
Cho: I know which plants make the best hair care products.
Harry: (undertone, sarcastic) that's useful (normal voice) Contestant # 3.
Ginny: Well, Mum had me take a muggle course in survival when I was younger
In case that ever happened.
Harry: Cool. Now, if-
Fred: (grins wickedly) You skipped contestant # 4, Harry.
Harry: Oh. *heh heh* Will you l-look at that. How s-silly of me. Contestant *gulp*
# 4?
Lucious: Well, I could use my Dark Mark tattoo to contact my Lord Voldemort-
Audience: *GASP*
Lucious: -thereby saving me and killing you.
Harry: Well, that's not too bad, I guess, I mean, it-
Lucious: But first, I would take advantage of you and r-
Harry: STTOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lucious: out of you.
looooooooooooong silence, only Harry's screwed breathing is heard
George: Next question, Harry?
Harry: Right, the- the next question. If- HEY, I'M NOT GOING TO ASK THAT!!!!!!!
Fred: Wanna bet?
Harry: YES!!!!!!
George: We'll chose for you if you don't ask.
Harry: Fine.
Fred: Cool. You owe us 20 galleons.
Harry: WHAT! I didn't even say I was betting for money!!!!
George: Moot point.
Harry: *glarestare* Contestant # 1, if you were to get a tattoo, what and were...
would... it... be?
Luna: Hmmmmmmm. *pause* I would get a Splintercat on my-
Harry: Contestant # 2?
Males in Audience: (Thought you'd seen the last of them, eh?) NO!!!
Cho: (Looks pleased) What, and mar my perfect skin?
Harry: Ok, no comment. Number 3?
Ginny: I would get a golden snitch on my upper right arm.
Harry: Cool.
Fred: Now its time for our-
George: Wait, He skipped Contestant # 4 again.
Fred: Yeah, yeah he did.
Both: (evil grins) Haaaaaaarrrrrry?
Harry: What?
George: Contestant 4 is waiting...
Harry: I don't care.
Fred: Come on, ask 'im. Harry: NO!!!!!
George: You have-
Harry: (like a little kid) I'M NOT LISTENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fred: Harry-
Harry: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
George: HARRY POTTER, YOU BETTER ASK HIM RIGHT NOW OR I'LL-
Harry: YOU CAN'T MAKE ME CUZ I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fred: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Audience: SHUT UP!!!!!!
Fred, Harry, and George: *jump*
George: Harry...
Harry: Nuh, uh. No bloody way.
Fred: (acts long suffering) Contestant # 4, same question.
Lucious: You see, I already have a tattoo. (points at his dark mark) But if I were
to get another one, I would (tells them).
Audience: *whimper*
Omnipotent Author: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY VIRGIN
EARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fred: (recovers at once) You have VIRGIN EARS!?!?!?!
George: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omnipotent Author: Well, no, not really, but it fit in so well there. And that was
really disturbing.
Fred and George: VIRGIN EARS!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omnipotent Author: Shut up!
Fred and George: VIRGIN EARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omnipotent author: (supreme booming God author voice) BE
QUIET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fred and George: eep!!!!!
Omnipotent Author: Why didn't I think of that before?
George: (recovers) Anyway, Harry will eliminate one of the contestants right after
this commercial break!!!!
Fred: NOOOOOOOOO!!!! THE INTERRUPTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (runs around the
stage screaming)
George: Oh shit, not ag-
(cut to commercial)
Voice: Are you tired of everyone running away when you smile? Do your yellow
really undermine your social life? Then get Gilderoy's Whitening Magical
Teeth Whitener!
(pause)
Voice: (Hisses) That's your cue, dumbass!
Lockhart: (from off stage) Are you talking to me?
Voice: (shoves Lockhart on stage)
Lockhart: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. HI! My name is, er, ah, what is it again?
Audience: *laughs*
Voice: Gilderoy Lockhart!
Lockhart: It is? Ok, what he says. And I'm here to tell you that you should buy,
uh, laundry detergent?
Voice: GILDEROY'S WHITENING MAGICAL TEETH WHITENER!!!!!!!!!
Lockhart: (Stumbles over the words) Gindorey's Whitening Magigical, err,
WHO WANTS AN AUTOGRAPH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fangirls: WE DO!!!!! (rush at him screaming)
Voice: (Hits itself on the head)
(fade out)
George: And we're back with Hogwarts Dateline, were Harry is about to vote off
least appealing mystery date.
Fred: (stops screaming) We're back?
George: Yeah...
Fred: No more interruptions?
George: uh huh....
Fred: YAY!!!! (calms down) But first, each of Harry's choices has to explain we he
shouldn't vote them off.
Harry: Ok, (decides to get the worst over with first) Contestant #4, why shouldn't I
vote you off.
Lucious: Because you're an idiot?
Harry: Well, it could be a lot worse-
Lucious: I mean, what kind of moronic bastard goes around keeping people on a
Dateline Show when they want to murder and rape them, then deliver
their body to the Darkest Wizard ever.
Harry: *whimper* ... never mind
Harry: (recovers) Contestant # 1?
Luna: Well, I don't really know. Perhaps because you want to rid yourself of #4
more?
Harry: That was particularly unhelpful. Number 2?
Cho: Because I'm drop dead gorgeous, that's why.
Males in the Audience: *CHEER*
Lucious: Useless whore.
Cho: HEY!!!! I AM NOT USELESS!!!!
*pause*
Harry: Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. Contestant #3?
Ginny: Because we have so much in common, Harry!
Fred: (pulls George over and starts conversing in a whispered voice, unnoticed
by anyone, except the two of them, duh)
Ginny: (continues) Like, we both love Quidditch, and have a great sense of
humor, and-
George: CONTESTANT #3, YOU'VE BEEN OFICIALLY DISQUALIFIED!!!!!!!
Harry: What, NO!
Ginny: WHY!!!!
Fred: (triumphant) You're not allowed to compare yourself to the guest!!!!!
Ginny: (angry) You made that up!!!
George: No, see, its in the RULE BOOK! (shoves a black book at Ginny) It's on
page 397, under clause 48, the third one down.
Ginny: That says "You may not wash your socks in the hosts stomach fluid!"
Fred: Yeah, well, you can't take these things literally. SECURITY!!!
Ginny: (is dragged away by a severely chewed troll) Bye, Harry!
Harry: (gasps as Ginny is dragged past) You're Ginny! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
I'll, I'll find you when I'm back, ok?
Twins: Suuuuuuuuuuuuure you will.
Fred: Anyway, Harry, its time for the final question!
Harry: Shut up, can't you see I'm in mourning here?!
George: Just ask the stupid question, or I'll interrupt the show, and you'll have
Fred to deal with.
Harry: *mumbles something very offensive*
George: Oh, I'm so hurt. Fine if that's the way you want it-
Harry: (hurriedly) Ok, if I was hanging over the edge of a cliff, about to fall to my
death, what would you do?
Luna: Save you, of course.
Cho: It would all depend on whether it was time to freshen up or not.
Lucious: Ignore you, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Omnipotent Author: Hey, that's an authors laugh! You can't use that, its
COPYWRITED!
Lucious: And I care because...
Fred: INTERRUPTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHH!!!
George: Anditstimeforharrytomakehischoice, NOW!
Fred: (calms down)
Harry: Errrrrrrrrrr, lets see, perv Death Eater, preppy ex-hooker, or she- who-
is-completely-out-of-it. Death Eater will kill me, hooker's fans will kill me,
and she-who-is-completely-out-of-it will, er, be completely of it. I PICK
NUMBER 1!!!!!!
Voice: (having finally regained conciousness, although how a disembodied voice
can be unconscious is beyond even my magical author power to divine)
You've just won an eight night Caribbean Cruise to, well, THE
CARIBBEAN, and a date with LUNA LOVEGOOD!!!!!!!
Harry: EEK, NO! Oh, er, uh, hi, Luna, what's up with you?
Lucious: Shit, I guess its back to Azkaban.
Cho: (is enveloped by a horde of screaming spouses/girl friends/ etc.)
Voice: And that's all the time we have today, good bye, and-
Fred: INTERRUPTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!
George: No, Fred, the show is over.
Fred: Oh. Never mind.
Malfoy: (Slinks on stage) Harry, come on! The shows over, lets go!
Harry: What are you talking about?!
Malfoy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Sirius's Voice: (rises from stupor) What'd I miss?
Omnipotent Author's notes: Ok, sorry that was sooooooooo long, it was my first
and I got kind of carried away. The next one will be
shorter, promise. Anyway, you know what to do-
REVIEW!!!!!