I must fall asleep at some point, because I wake and peer out of the covers to see it's pitch black outside, the stars lighting up the sky. Dawn must have come in at some point, because Pikachu is sleeping at the end of the bed, curled into a ball. I check my phone for the time, but my eyes flick straight to the text notification from Goh.

Wanna get a drink? Found a nice bar.

It's from four hours ago. I close the phone again and press my face into my pillow hard, until it starts to hurt. I don't want to do the same thing he did to me, but how can I be friends with him when this is how he makes me feel? I feel like something is inside me, eating me alive, sucking the life out of my soul.

Then I remember there was also a text from Dawn. I reopen the phone, swiping away the notification from Goh before I have a chance to read it again.

Are you okay? Marnie said you cancelled on her.

I'm coming with Pikachu. Please be dressed.

Text me when you wake up. I hope you're okay.

It's one in the morning, but I still text her back: I'm awake. I'm fine.

I tuck the phone under my pillow and stare out the glass wall. Well, at least tomorrow I'll be back to my old routine, and that might distract me enough to feel okay.

I had thought I was fine, but a sudden wave of tears catches me off guard, and I feel pathetic as I cry into the pillow quietly, trying not to wake Pikachu. I can't move, or breathe, or even think. Even when I hear the door to my room click open slowly, I can't bring myself to look up. I'm frozen to the spot, the tears streaming. Someone pads along the marble floor and I feel the bed dip as they get in beside me.

I smell Dawn's perfume as she curls up behind me, wrapping her arms around me and holding me to her chest, not saying a word. Her presence grounds me a little, but I still cry, and she still doesn't speak. At least, I think, I still have her through all of this. I feel her forehead press against the top of my back, and she squeezes me tighter, reminding me she's there.

– – – –

The sound of my door opening wakes me up. Dawn is still curled up around me. Some of her hair is covering my face. I flick it off and look up to see Goh standing in the doorway, watching us. Dawn doesn't seem to have woken up.

"Sorry," he says, turning away, embarrassed. "I did knock, but no one answered."

I scoot away from Dawn, who starts to wake, mumbling something groggily. I can;t even begin to come up with an excuse as to why Dawn spooned me to sleep. I should be the one embarrassed. It's very embarrassing. She pushes the hair from her face and starts to sit up.

"Good morning," she says, stretching her arms. She doesn't seem to give a shit that Goh just walked in on us sleeping in the same bed. I know he won't think anything weird is going on, but he probably knows something's up, because just a few nights ago Dawn and I had argued about not wanting to sleep in the same bed.

"Uh, good morning," he says back. "Your flight is in two hours."

I curse and throw the covers off, then remember I'm still wearing the clothes I went on the Galar Hurricane in. Mercifully, Goh chooses not to say anything. Dawn's in her pyjamas, but isn't hurrying to get up, because her flight isn't until later.

"Get up," I say to her, not acknowledging what happened last night. I don't think I ever will, and I don't think she expects me to.

"Alright, alright," she groans, getting up. She pads back out of the room past Goh without another word, leaving us alone. I suddenly don't know what to say to him. Seeing him sends a physical pain through my chest.

"I probably won't see you again before your flight," he starts, shifting his weight awkwardly. "So I just wanted to say goodbye. Maybe I'll see you soon?"

"Yeah," I say. "Maybe."

"Alright, well, um… I'll call you." He starts to back out, and it feels like he's reached into my chest and is pulling my heart with him. Somehow I feel a physical tug towards him.

"See you, Goh," I say quietly, and he waves as he shuts the door behind him.

— — — —

I manage to shower and pack my things in just twenty minutes, and then drive the truck back to where we hired it from, which luckily is close to the airport so I can walk the rest of the way. I apologise for returning it late, since I forgot last night, but the guy thankfully doesn't seem too bothered.

The airport is full, and the rush to get to the right gate in time means I have no time to think about what I'm leaving behind. When I've boarded, though, and settled in my seat, my brain starts spiralling again.

Pikachu seems under the weather, too. I know my mood is affecting him, so I try not to think of Goh during the flight, and instead watch movies on the little screen provided, and take a nap. It's a long flight, but feels even longer than usual this time. I find myself staring out of the window a lot, tapping my fingers against the armrest.

The good thing about last night is that I seem to have cried myself out. I'm still sad, but no tears form. It's almost disappointing, though. I don't like feeling numb. It's not like me, and yet I feel completely dead inside. I thought I'd be excited to get back to Unova, but instead when it comes into view from the plane window, I feel a twist in my stomach.

It's raining when I step out, and the sky is a miserable grey. I don't have anyone waiting to pick me up, so I have to walk twenty minutes in the rain, through the quieter streets of Castelia City. I call my mom, and tell her I'm back, and make small talk for another five minutes before hanging up.

I know it's just because of my mood, but everything seems so lifeless here now. Before I left, I loved this city, but at this moment I despise it. I don't want to be back here. I want to be in Kanto, in Vermillion, back at the Cerise Laboratory. I long for those days so much it hurts. Before speaking to Goh again, I'd let go of that part of my life, but now the regret is back in full swing, and I almost wish we hadn't met again, so I wouldn't feel like this.

My life in Castelia was fulfilling. It still is. I just need to remember that. I can't wish for the past. Things change. People move on. I couldn't have stayed there forever, even if we'd stayed friends.

I get back to the dorm building soaking, my hair and t-shirt sticking to my skin. When we step inside, Pikachu shakes off the rain, covering me even more. I sigh and head for the elevator, because I really don't feel like walking up six flights of stairs right now.

We head up and I walk down the empty corridor towards our room. I pause outside the door, taking a deep breath. Well, I'm back, for better or for worse. I throw open the door, and Nate is there, sitting at the desk, typing something up on his laptop. He turns as I enter, grinning.

"Well well, look who it is," he says. "Welcome back, man."

"Thanks," I say unenthusiastically, letting my case drop to the floor and pulling my t-shirt over my head. I fish through clothes I'd left piled on my bed for a dry t-shirt and put it on, despite it being creased as all hell.

"You good?" Nate says, elbow hanging over the back of his chair as he turns to look at me.

"Thrilled to be back," I say sarcastically, and flop down on the free space on my bed.

"Yikes," he says, turning back to his laptop. "Your trip must've been pretty good, then."

I laugh humorlessly, staring up at the ceiling. "Oh, you have no idea."

"Who was that with you in all those articles?" He asks. I can hear him tapping away on his keyboard.

"A friend from a long time ago," I say, ignoring the pain in my heart. "And no, I'm not dating him, and that photo was not us kissing."

"Pssh, I didn't think you were anyway. The articles were complete ass. Speaking of… Have you spoken to Maria?"

Maria. I almost laugh again. So much has happened that I almost completely forgot about her. Guilt pierces through me. "Not since she showed up at the same bar as me in Kanto. It's definitely done now."

"That's a shame," he says. Is it? I want to ask. He barely seemed to care for her. "That girl that showed up asking about you was pretty."

It's clear he's being nosy by the way he's looking at me. "There's nothing there either."

"But you don't like that friend from the articles?" He asks quietly.

"What?" I ask, maybe a little harshly.

"Sorry. It's just… Well, never mind."

I want to probe him into telling me why he asked that, but I'm also somewhat afraid of the answer, so I don't. Nate looks ready to change the subject, and so am I, but then my phone starts ringing on the bed beside me. I reach out for it, holding it over my face, reading Dawn's name on the screen.

I leave the room to take the call, leaning against the wall in the hallway. "It hasn't even been twenty-four hours and you're already checking on me," I say when I answer.

I hear her scoff. "Do you blame me? You were a wreck last night."

I bite the inside of my cheek and stare off down the hallway, to the flickering light buzzing on and off at the end. I'm on the other side of the planet from them all again. A horrible loneliness has started settling in, from the moment I stepped off the plane, but I don't want to admit that I don't want to be here, or I'll lose my mind.

"I'm fine," I argue. I don't know why I'm lying. She knows it's not true.

"What did he say to you?" She asks quietly. She knows I didn't tell him what she wanted me to, or I'd have told her.

I sigh, turning away as someone steps out of their dorm and starts walking towards me. "I really don't want to talk about it, Dawn," I mumble under my breath as they pass.

"Okay." She sounds disappointed. "Well, I've decided to compete in the Kanto League next year," she announces.

"The League?" I can't hide my surprise. "Not the Grand Festival?"

"I've already won that." I can sense her rolling her eyes and smile. "Besides, you've inspired me. I want to be amazing at both."

"You already are," I argue.

"Alright, well, I want to be as good as you, then," she says. I can't tell if she's stroking my ego to make me feel better or not.

"Dawn, are you coming for my title?" I ask sarcastically, smirking.

"I will neither confirm nor deny that," she replies, and I chuckle. "Really though, Ash, you should do something with the last of your holidays. Don't just shut yourself in your room for three weeks, okay?"

"Okay, mom." I roll my eyes and shift my weight. I've never been the kind of person to shut myself indoors for longer than a day or two at a time, but I have to admit, it's sounding pretty appealing right now. It might just be the jet lag, but I just want to curl up in bed and sleep forever.

"Ugh. Screw you. I'll visit before I head to Sinnoh."

"Alright. Call me soon, then," I say, and find that I don't want her to hang up. Once she does, that loneliness will creep back in, and I'll lose all of my energy again.

"Bye, Ash." She hangs up. I bring the phone down and stare at the screen. I don't know why I'm even checking for texts or calls. Of course he hasn't tried to contact me. We haven't even been apart for a day.

I open my messages and find his number. My hands tremble a little as I stare at the keyboard until my vision blurs and my brain shuts off. What would I even say? Hi? Too pathetic. Plus, he'll think I'm obsessed with him if I text him already. Not that he'd be wrong. I just don't know what we'd talk about, and I'd be worried he was only replying because he felt obliged to.

I curse and bring my palm up to my forehead, pressing it against the skin there, groaning loudly. I need something to do. Something to distract me.

For now, sleep will do. I slink back into the room, and don't speak to Nate, just climb into bed beside Pikachu and throw the covers over my head, not even bothering to change. Nate's paused his typing, and is probably debating whether he should ask if I'm okay. I wait for him to, almost wishing he would, because I'm on the edge of spilling, and I would probably tell him.

A moment later, his tapping continues. I sigh and close my eyes, letting the darkness pull me under.

— — — —

"Yo. Is it true or false that Tauros are all male?" Nate asks, swivelling around to face me. I'm sitting on my bed, knees drawn up to my chest, pocky sticking out of my mouth, playing on a games console I have balanced on my legs.

"True," I mumble, trying not to let the pocky fall out, my focus almost entirely on the game.

I should probably be studying. There's only two weeks left until the next school year begins, and even though I did a lot of the things I needed to do before I left for Kanto, I still have work left to do. I've been sitting here, barely moving from bed, for six days straight now. I have left the building once or twice, to go to the store for food, but besides that I've just done… nothing. I haven't slept for a couple of days now, either. I have this constant anxiety in my chest, and occasionally a rush of adrenaline that feels like it might bring on a panic attack, but never quite does. My body is being dramatic, and I hate it.

Honestly, I blame Dawn for sending me a copy of this stupid game. Besides, I've had no energy at all since I got back six days ago. Every time I stop playing, or watching TV, and just let myself think, I feel completely drained, and pretty damn depressed. I keep telling myself that it's because I'm away from my friends, but I know I'm kidding myself. I figure if I give myself long enough, I'll get over it, but this is the longest a bad mood has stuck around for, and it's strong enough to make me feel physically ill at times.

I've checked my phone at least three times an hour, every hour I've been awake, since I got back. There's been no calls, and no texts. I haven't bothered to call or text him either, because something in me refuses to. It has to be him that reaches out. But he hasn't, and I'm starting to worry that he's not going to, and that thought tears me apart.

It takes me a full minute to realise Nate hasn't turned back around to his laptop, and is still sitting staring at me, a frown plastered on his face. I stare back for a moment, confused.

"What?" I say.

"You've barely moved in days." He wrings his hands together awkwardly in his lap. I don't like where this is going. I'm not in the mood for a therapy session.

"Just tired from the trip," I counter.

"Sure. Well, uh… Don't be mad, but I invited your friend over to visit. I thought it might help you feel… um…" He scratches the back of his head. "A little less depressed."

"I'm not depressed," I say too quickly, offended. I'm not. I just need a little time to let the thoughts of Goh pass. I just need to wait until he's not the only thing on my mind, every second of the day. "Wait. What friend?"

"The blonde one," he says. "I forgot her name."

Serena. I groan and plant my face into my knees. I do really want to see her again, but not now. Not when I feel like this. Not when she'll probably ask me about Goh. I can't handle talking to anyone about it yet. I just can't. "When is she coming?" I mumble into my knees.

"Tomorrow," he says sheepishly. Great. It's already eight in the evening, so that gives me absolutely zero time to prepare mentally. "Are you mad?"

"No," I lie. I stand up, turn off the console, and grab a jacket hanging on the back of a chair. "I'll be back soon."

He doesn't try to stop me. I walk out of our building into the night, not having any destination in mind. I just walk, letting my mind clear, breathing in the chilly fresh air. Nate's probably right. I'm acting depressed, at least. I need to let myself live, and not shut myself in, wallowing in misery.

In retrospect, it was stupid to think I could spend so much time with Goh in such a short period of time without getting super attached. But how was I supposed to know it could make a person feel like this? I've never felt like this before. It's awful, and I completely understand his point of view from back then.

I walk until I'm sure Nate will be asleep, then head back and try to sleep again. I find fitful bursts of sleep, but keep waking abruptly, sometimes with a gasp, sometimes jolting upright. Something feels… wrong, but I can't put my finger on it. This isn't just about Goh, I don't think. But there's nothing wrong. Nothing serious, anyway. So I try to ignore it and sleep, because I need the energy for tomorrow.