Chapter Two: The Family Jewels
Humperdinck was a miserable failure. There was nothing else to him but failing. He remembered days of glory where he hunted in the Zoo of Death and frolicked about with the albino… ah, such good days. Gone now. After Westley and Buttercup had escaped he had cried himself to sleep every night and had even destroyed his favorite teddy bear in a fit of ill-contained rage.
I'm so sorry Pookie!
His father, who had long been mentally ill had suddenly popped out of his stupor and beat his son with purpose. Humperdinck, still a prince, had wailed like a baby every time the spatula made contact with his royal bottom.
"DADDY! NO!" He squealed. "I AM THE PRINCE!"
"And WHO'S YO' DADDY?!" The king shouted.
"Oh, good point."
Even years after the terrible events, Humperdinck feared his father and shuddered with the memory. Years and years later, now that Beauty was fourteen and all that good stuff, Humperdinck was playing with his tin soldiers. But he wasn't playing war games.
"Oh Westley! My love! MMM*smack*." He shoved two faces together. Then he made his voice much deeper. "I am the Dread Pirate Roberts! Ho! Don't you just love my physique?" Humperdinck batted his eyes and allowed his voice to float up a couple of octaves. "Well, your physique is truly wondrous, darling, but you're competing with Humperdinck's much more manly physique!" Humperdinck grinned evilly. "B*TCH!" Cried the tin Westley. He slapped Buttercup down. "Don't worry my love!" Humperdinck brought around a new figure. "Oh Humpy! Westley just b*tch-slapped me!" Humperdinck frowned. "Did you just call me Humpy? Now I will b*tch-slap you too!"
Someone knocked on Humperdinck's door.
"AHH!" Squealed the prince. He knocked over his tin soldiers. "Er- come in!"
The door opened slowly and the albino walked in.
"The king requests your presence."
"Do you know what about?"
"The family jewels." The albino nodded fervently.
"This is our chance! Soon he will give the family fortune to me and you and I can escape!" He clapped his hands together.
"Make me a pretty ring and I will be your bride."
"You're my cousin! I can't legally marry you!"
"Oh, of course, but you had no qualms about marrying Buttercup, who is also your cousin!" The albino was miffed. "And, she's a… a…girl!"
"Oh sweetie! I never intended to stay with Buttercup! I was going to murder her after all!"
"Oh yes," he giggled, "I quite forgot." And then, "What about the princess from Guilder? She's probably your aunt's niece's cousin's grandmother's daughter!"
"And she was bald to show for it. See what incest does?"
"We don't have to have children, Humpy."
"Humpy?" Humperdinck got huffy. "Go away! I don't want to be your friend anymore!"
"FINE!" And the albino stalked off.
That gets rid of him. Humperdinck had a bit of a thing against the albino after he gained all of that weight. I'm sorry, but that was just disgusting. There's nothing more frightening than an obese albino. The pale blob… o my God, that is just gross.
The prince tromped down the hall. He found his father, old and prune-y, sitting in a cushioned chair, cleaning his nails with a knife.
"Ah, Humperdinck, come in my son."
Humperdinck took a chair across from the king. "The albino told me this was about the family jewels?"
"Yes. Take care of them. You may go now." The king went back to cleaning his nails.
"But-." Humperdinck spluttered. "I don't even have them… you've never…."
"What do you mean you don't have them!?" The king's eyes widened.
"You never gave them to me!"
"Look, I know you have them, I bathed you when you were very young and you had them then. Unless you've been castrated…."
"What?! These are the family jewels?!" Humperdinck pointed to himself in an awkward place.
"Of course. They contain the seed of royalty."
"Um," the prince blushed, "I'll just be going now." And he ran back to his bedroom. He was in trouble now. Two years ago he had sold the family jewels for a pound of dope. "Dad is going to kill me…."
(A/N: Next chapter we have the royalty meet the farm-folk. WILL HUMPERDINCK GET HIS JEWELS BACK!? Does he have a little sister named Margarita and a cousin named Tequila? Find out in the chapter wisely called Chapter Three!)