Chapter Three: Adventure and Alcohol
Though Humperdinck would not have you know, I would. The king and queen had another child. The second marriage for the king, you know, and he was really quite old. It embarrassed Humperdinck to see his old man banging this old woman, but he never admitted to watching from a cleverly positioned peephole. His sister, Margarita was as pretty as they come. She was, in fact, Beauty's age. Margarita had very Spanish features, further proving that everyone in Florin was related, and in fact the whole world. Her eyes were dark and so was her hair. But she had two flaws that kept her from being on the most-beautiful-woman-in-the-world list: a great mole on her forehead and a flat chest. She was like half an hour glass. Her waist was small and her hips were shapely but the upper part was missing.
Margarita didn't like her brother very much, but who could blame her? The princess's best friend was also her cousin. Tequila had red hair and brown eyes. She was okay-looking but nothing exceptional. Her skin threatened to break out in acne on a daily basis and if she were allowed in the sun she would have many red freckles.
Today Margarita and Tequila were in the kitchen slugging some of their namesakes and getting very drunk. As usual.
"So, *hic* Tequila. Whaddya say we go down to the *hic* farms?" Margarita slurred gracefully.
"I dunno *hic.* What's there to see *hic* down there?"
"Farm people."
"Ooh yeah." So the royal girls went to put on some riding clothes. They were feeling a little wobbly but they could hold their alcohol well. They could also throw up well. All over the floor.
"He he, oops." Tequila covered her mouth daintily and walked carefully around her vomit.
"Oh Tequila, what did I say about drinking five of your name?"
"The same thing I said about drinking eight of yours."
"It's a no-no." The girls giggled and ran to the stable, where, to their great astonishment, they found Prince Humperdinck preparing for a journey.
"Humpster, what are you doing here?"
"I find this is none of your business, Margarita."
"Going to retrieve the family jewels?" Tequila teased.
Humperdinck blushed and the two girls burst out laughing.
"Well, we're going to help you because we're incredibly bored and dangerous adventure sounds interesting right now."
"But it's dangerous… and I don't like you."
"Want us to tell Daddy?" Margarita put on an angelic face.
"Good God no. Come with me you bitchy prat."
Prat, as I'm sure you know, derives from "pillage run and tarp" which is used to describe insane campers that used to raid Florinese cities so that they could camp. They were known to be incredibly dim-witted and dorky, always sporting buck-teeth and thick glasses and Pokémon cards. It had been Humperdinck that had coined the expression with the help of the flabby albino.
A mile down the road Tequila began to whine loudly that she had to take a piss.
"Can't you wait?" Humperdinck groaned.
"NO! And this DAMNED HORSE is making my bladder bounce!"
"Fine!" Humperdinck pulled off into some woods. Tequila and Margarita went into the woods and did their business before coming back, smiling broadly. "Better?"
"Yes." They chimed, climbing back on their horses.
"Lead on, brother dearest." Margarita commanded.
Humperdinck was wishing already that he were back in his room playing with his tin soldiers. But he had packed them along with other necessary items, such as the remnants of poor Pookie and his lucky jockstrap.
It wasn't more than an hour before they reached the farmlands. Margarita wrinkled her nose in disgust at the terrible and potent smell of manure. Tequila held her breath for awhile. Humperdinck recalled that last time he had smelled that he had been commanding the beautiful Buttercup to be his bride.
Then he saw a girl who was so hideous that his eyes stretched open to their fullest extent.
"You! Beauty!" Tequila called out, mostly joking.
"How did you know my name?" Beauty was so surprised that she forgot to act stupid.
"Erm… I could just tell." Tequila slumped back into her saddle.
Then Westley and Buttercup came out of the house, hand pressed firmly to the other's rump.
"Ah! It's Humperdinck!" Westley growled. "Ready to fight, you coward?"
"No!" Humperdinck squeaked.
"That's what I thought. Well, Buttercup and I have just decided to move to the Fireswamp so we came out to bid Beauty and Marvin goodbye." Westley gave a grimacing goodbye to his ugly daughter and pat his son awkwardly on the head.
It is known that Buttercup and Westley moved to the forest and, stupidly falling asleep, caught on fire and rolled into the snow sand where they were chased by an R.O.U.S. that was suffocating. It nibbled on Buttercup's left ear. Both she and Westley sank to the bottom of the snow sand, unconscious but awoke hours later to find they had discovered a small civilization of gnomes. They were, at first, revered as gods, but eventually sacrificed to the R.O.U.S god, who was much cooler.
As soon as their parents left both siblings heaved sighs of relief. Suddenly, Beauty became very attractive, all her mousy hair falling out and being quickly replaced by gorgeous golden locks, her eyes no longer looked dull but were a light, intelligent brown. Her nose left its conk-like state and became Roman (Romans did not exist during this time, so therefore they called it "proto-Roman.") Her chin shrunk and all of her lip and nostril hair disappeared. Her ears became smaller and she finally got some hips. Her teeth became normal and straight, like her father's.
"Whoa! Beauty! What the Hell?" (Hell didn't exist either, but what Marvin meant was "where on Earth did this come from" because Hell was a word meaning "where on Earth did this come from" because when weird creatures came people used to say "Hibbity Echol Loo-Loo!?" Which in the ancient tongue literally translates to "Where on Earth did you come from!?" Now you are further informed.)
"Oh Marvin, don't be daft. I just hid my beauty to annoy our parents and chase them away. Don't you think they'd have married me off by now if I showed my true loveliness? Sure, I've been ugly for a long time but I became beautiful a few weeks ago, I just hid it."
"How?" Asked Margarita and Tequila.
"You know, that's a fair question." Beauty contracted her perfect eyebrows. "Well, I don't honestly know, but somehow it worked out. Now, Prince Humperdinck, you're looking for your family jewels?"
"Yes. How did you know?"
"Once again, a true mystery."
"Oh, dude! You traded them with my friend for a pound of dope!"
"Yes." Humperdinck blushed.
"Yeah, well, he sold them in Bosnia for a fair price. They're a delicacy there."
"Oh, that's nasty." Tequila scrunched her nose.
"Off to Bosnia!" Humperdinck raised a fist in the air.
(Meanwhile, at a small restaurant in Bosnia… actually, you have to wait until Chapter Four for this delicious scene. Be ready for Inigo and Fezzik. They're coming.)