Chapter Five: Of Soul and Sewer-Searching
Fezzik leaned over the toilet bowl for at least twenty minutes before all the contents of his stomach were thoroughly emptied. The smell in the bowl was so vile that he had to flush and then spray the entire room with peppermint and cinnamon extracts. He even farted a few times, anything to squander the dastardly scent.
Inigo was alarmed by the sound of Fezzik's fetid wind taking flight so noisily. He rushed into the bathroom only to be confronted by a whirlwind of awful smells.
"Fezzik!" He cried, backing out. "Are you all right?"
"I threw up!" Fezzik explained in a cracking voice.
"I'm sorry, my dear friend." Inigo frowned.
"It was that… dinner. It wasn't even digested!"
Inigo was stunned, not at the news but at Fezzik's use of the word "digested."
"Um… off to bed then." Inigo said pointing at the twin bed and the kind size that served as a twin bed to the enormous Fezzik.
"Yeah. I'm pooped."
Ew. Though Inigo. What an awful expression.
"Bosnia." Beauty pointed to a sign from Humperdinck's lap.
"You can read?" Marvin marveled at his sister. "Dude, you're like… perfect, man! Sexy, smart, and my sister! Jeez!"
"Marvin, there is, as I've said, no chance that I would ever marry you."
"Yeah." Tequila spat in Marvin's ear.
Yeah. Thought the prince smugly.
What are you "yeah"ing at? Beauty thought to him.
Ah! You can hear my voice-thinking? The prince squealed in his mind.
You're so loud! How could I not? Beauty shook her head.
Cool it over there; you're giving me a headache. Marvin complained.
"AGH! How can you both hear me?!"
"Hear what?" Tequila and Margarita chimed.
"They can't hear you thinking. It's a gift that was passed down to us from the Russian side of our family." Explained Beauty.
"Really?" Marvin was stunned. "I thought it was all the drugs and shit."
"Blah Hotel. Up ahead." Margarita interrupted. "Aren't there any interesting places?"
"No." Everyone said together.
"Jeez, I was just asking." So they all signed in at Blah Hotel.
"Bonsoir, I am appelle Marvin." Said the guy with the sign-in sheet.
"Dude! I'm called Marvin and you're appelle Marvin!"
"Appelle is Bosnian for called." Beauty explained.
Marvin gawped. "You're bilingual too?"
"Shut up." The prince muttered. "Can we have our room key, Marvin?"
"Oui, monsieur." And he handed the key to them. They all marched up to a room and past a smell so wretched that they collapsed on the floor.
"OH MY FRIGGLY WIGGLY PIE!" Prince Humperdinck squealed, covering his nose to no avail.
"You've said it!" Beauty gagged.
Meanwhile, inside Fezzik and Inigo's room….
"Did you just hear Buttercup?" Fezzik asked.
"Yes! Actually, I did! And I heard Prince Humperdinck!"
"He was such a fink."
"And his penis was a dink."
"Did he ever blink?"
"Let me stop to think."
"His favorite color was pink."
"He played a video game with a character named Link."
"A what?" Inigo stopped.
"Dunno. Anyway, let's go look." They both got up and went out into the hallway. "IT IS PRINCE BOY HUMPY!"
"But that's not Buttercup." Inigo shook his head.
"No, I'm Buttercup's daughter." Beauty coughed. "And I'm leaving."
"Why?" Fezzik asked.
"It smells vile here."
"Can we come with you?" Inigo begged.
"Sure." Marvin said.
"Hell yes." Said Marguerita, looking at Inigo with a great deal of interest. So they headed to their room.
"So, what are you all doing here, in Bosnia?" Fezzik asked, beckoning that Beauty should sit on his lap. She complied.
"We're looking for the Family Jewels." Humperdinck explained, looking on jealously.
"Your testicles?" Inigo raised his brows.
Humperdinck turned a shade of magenta.
"Fezzik ate some for dinner." Inigo said.
"I DID?!" Fezzik looked on the verge of barfing again. Beauty quickly scampered out of the way.
"You must vomit at once! Get them out before you digest!" Humperdinck squealed.
"He already did." Inigo said calmly.
"Where are they?!"
"In the Bosnian sewers."
"Ew." Everyone said together.
"But," Humperdinck muttered, "there we must go."
"I'm not coming!" Marguerita and Tequila chimed.
"Whatever." Humperdinck shrugged. "I don't like you anyway."
"We shall help you, Humpster." Inigo promised. "After all, we have nothing better to do."
"Tequila?" Fezzik gasped. "Oh my goodness gracious ass bodacious!" He really loved rhyming.
"Fezzik?! OH MY GOD!" And she jumped atop him. "Brother!"
"Sister!" Fezzik grabbed a hold of Tequila and squeezed.
"Whoa, what?!" Marguerita put a hand to her forehead. "No, that's not right. Your parents are my aunt and uncle."
"Yes and no. My father is your uncle, my mother is also his mother and his father is a big guy. Just like Fezzik!"
"Weird." Marvin said. "That is totally drugged up. I need some dope. I'm having some serious withdrawal issues."
"Fezzik. You never a-told me that you had a sister."
"I forgot. And she's my half-sister. We only met once when she was a baby."
"How come she remembers you?" Inigo asked.
"Could you ever forget Fezzik?" Tequila asked.
"Good point." Inigo nodded.
"Shall we go to the sewers then?" Beauty asked.
I like a woman who's to the point. Humperdinck thought as quietly as he could.
Dude, me too. Marvin agreed.
She's your sister though.
So? Man! Doesn't that make it totally perfect?
For me.
If you think she would ever date a sissy like you… and aren't you like her second cousin or something? That's incest.
Ahem. It is a widely known fact that everyone in Florin is somehow related, but siblings… that's just nasty.
No way. My grandparents were siblings.
EW! Humperdinck grasped his head.
"JESUS CHRIST! CAN WE GO ALREADY?" Beauty shouted.
By the way, this was during the time of Jesus Christ, but Jesus wasn't yet known in Florin. Actually, Jesus' real name was Hey-Zeus Christophe. Jesus Christ actually was the Florinese way of saying "Jeesh This Is Friggin' Annoying!" Again, your empty head is filled with dead knowledge.
Moving on.
"Yes, let's a-go." Inigo nodded. And the prince, Beauty, Marvin and Inigo all set out in search of the sewers.
The sewers in Bosnia were also very boring. There was nothing in them out of the ordinary. Even their excretions didn't smell too bad. They smelled boring. Fezzik's vomit was easily identified because it was the only thing that smelled so vile that in knocked the four searchers out of their socks.
"Oh well." Inigo shrugged. "Those socks were boring anyway."
"Do you have to search for your Jewels in that crap?" Marvin asked. "Dude, I'd need to be seriously high to get in that glop."
"If I offered you some dope, would you be willing to find my… Jewels?"
"Dude! You got some dope? Yeah! Yeah! YEAH!"
"Disgusting." Beauty turned away.
"Take this." Humperdinck gave Marvin the dope and immediately Marvin was so high that he could tell the difference between vomit and the walls. Everything was beautiful and colorful. The Family Jewels glowed like real jewels and Marvin easily identified them. I scooped them up, wondering why they felt so squishy and slimy.
I wonder what they taste like. He thought.
NO MARVIN! NO! Humperdinck and Beauty thought screamed.
I wish I could though speak. Inigo thought.
But Marvin ate them anyway. And then he died.
(Ew. That's how I reacted. Meet Miracle Max in Chapter Six: Jewels of a Different Caliber)