Chapter Six:  Jewels of a Different Caliber

Miracle Max watched his hot, young niece as she pulled out some more thyme for him.  He didn't really need it; he just liked checking out her booty.

So plump and juicy.  He licked his chops.  I wish Valerie were still like that.  He looked back at his bony wife, who was watching their nephew.

So sexy and muscular.  Valerie thought.  I wish Max had been like that.  

"I 'ave them, Oncle Max!"  Jeanette purred.  "'Ere is some thyme for you." 

Jean-Pierre looked back at his sister and smiled warmly at his aunt.  "Valerie, I 'ave une probleme."

"What is it, darling?"  Valerie cooed.

"I am tinking… zat Jeanette ees pregnant with mon enfant."

"Oh.  Are you sure the kid is yours?"

"Non!  But I am afraid for her!"

"You should be.  She could explode into a thousand little pieces."

"Vraiment?"

"Truly."  Valerie nodded.

"Oh la la oh!"

He is so sexy when he's worried.

Valerie and Max sat eating their BLTs in silence.  Jeanette and Jean-Pierre had gotten on their horses for home. 

"I miss it, all right."  Max responded to nothing.

"The old sex?"

"Yeah."  He sighed. 

Then somebody knocked firmly on the door.

"Oh, who in Florin is here at this time of… the evening."  Valerie slowly got up and hobbled over to the door.  "HUMPERDINCK!"  She gasped.

The prince blushed.

"Ah!  What is he doing here?!  The king's stinkin' son!  Who's he got?  Can I kill him?"

Then Beauty stepped forward.

"Never mind.  For a night with her, anything, Highness."  Max gave a mock-bow, but his eyes kept eagerly on the beautiful girl by his side.

Valerie slapped Max on the buttocks.

"Ooh!  Well, what do you need then?"  Max asked, eyeing his wife.

"To know more about The Family Jewels." 

"Humperdinck, I heard about you losing your balls."  Max grinned wryly.

"To put it crudely, yes."  Beauty said.  "We want to know why his father is so keen on having them."

Miracle Max laughed.  "Oh, you funny kid.  I'll tell you exactly why.  The king wants Humperdinck to have kids of his own.  Without balls, there are no kids."

"Oh."  Humperdinck blushed. 

"But without a wife, there are no kids either."  Max wheezed in laughter.

Fezzik, Tequila, Marguerita, and Inigo waited outside, listening in curiously.  Tequila had regretted the loss of Marvin for awhile, but she realized that she had Fezzik still.  Best friend and half-brother with benefits.

"I have a book for you, but I don't want your slimy hands on it.  So I'll recite it for you.  It's called 'So You've Lost Your Nuts.'"  Max grinned, relishing Humperdinck's squeamishness.  "All you've gotta do is get your wife pregnant by somebody else and claim it's yours.  The end." 

"That leaves the wife problem."  Valerie cackled.

"I'm his wife."  Beauty said proudly.

Valerie and Max shut up and their eyes became round. 

Then they both died of a heart-attack.

"You are?"  Humperdinck asked, ignoring the dead couple on the floor.

"Yes."  Then they kissed and got married and all that good stuff.  Tequila and Fezzik eloped; Marguerita and Inigo took over the seas and Marvin was happy in druggie heaven. 

Okay, so they're finally home and Beauty is pregnant.  Humperdinck never asks who the father is, but the day of the birth….

"WAAAAH!"  That wasn't the baby.  "Why the Albino?  Why?"

The moral of this story is that not all stories end well. 

And that drugs and incest are bad.  Why do you think a swarm of angry mosquitoes swooped down on Florin and destroyed them all?  Moses, you see, was quite pissed that he had one more plague from that God person that he didn't get to use, so he decided to make King Humperdinck suffer for all the incest in his kingdom.  Florin died.

The End.

(FieryWordess would like to say that she is not religious but when to Catholic school.  She would also like to mention that she got a B in religion despite a 97 average.  Lastly, she would like to say thank you for reading and she sincerely hopes you will not burn her house down for the blasphemy of her story.)