The Crossword Puzzle
By: Alesca Munroe
Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter series, or any of its characters. I own the idea, my character- three guesses as to which one she is, if you win, you get bonked over the head for even having to wonder about it, if you lose, you still get bonked over the head because you couldn't figure it out –and the crossword puzzle in question. (If ya just happen to see a little kid named Kage flapping around, she's mine too. She has wings, wolf ears and a tail. Give me a holler if you see her, she needs to stop wandering around at night so much.) Delena/Aneled Hupp owns her character- you shall die if you can't figure out which one that is.
Authoress' Notes: I decided to make this a collection of randomness instead of a bunch of single stories. This is a demented fic Delena an' me came up with over the Muggle phone. Obviously, it's a horror fic, but I figured I'd tell you if you didn't bother to read the genre listing. Read her fics. Read Cyber Nomad's fic on Fictionpress.net. They're really good. And for the last time, Delena, you do not count as a reviewer! DEAD SIRIUS!!
O~o~O
Delena didn't want to be a Death Eater anymore. But you couldn't just leave. No, if you wanted to leave, you had to die. That's all there was to it. So she was stuck. Alesca decided to go with her to a meeting to see if it was really all that bad. And she brought a crossword puzzle.
It went smoothly. Alesca ignored the masked figures around her, until a tall thin shadow blocked her light. "Excuse me, but I'm trying to do a crossword here," she said, slightly annoyed. "Go away unless you know a rude eight-letter term for Muggle-borns."
"It's Mudblood," the voice above her hissed. "And you shall suffer their fate."
"Do what?" The DADA teacher looked up and into the blood red eyes of Lord Voldemort himself. Closing her eyes and drawing her wand, Alesca screamed and began using every hex, spell, and charm that she knew, wildly swinging her wand around at the Death Eaters. And for those who don't know, Alesca knew a lot of those and was quite dangerous when not looking where she was pointing her wand. Two accidentally hit her crossword: an Engorgement Charm, and a Bloodthirsty Man- Eating Curse. Another bang, and there were several giant man-eating crossword puzzles running around, chasing Death Eaters.
Delena stayed out of the way and watched the havoc unfold around here with a gleeful maniacal grin on her face reminiscent of the famous Hogwarts poltergeist Peeves. Several Death Eaters were getting chewed on, and Lucius Malfoy was no exception. One had caught up to him and, after chewing off all his lovely white-blonde hair, bit his head off. Voldemort was eaten alive by the biggest puzzle, shrieking like a banshee and yelling for his mommy.
After a while, Alesca opened her eyes and ended all the spells she had cast. She blinked. And blinked again. "Delena, I think we did what the Potter kid and Dumbledore never could," she said with excitement in her voice. "We made Voldie scream like a banshee!"
Sweatdrop. Face-fault. Crash. "Alesca, you're weird," sighed her companion and now former Death Eater. Delena picked up Luicius Malfoy's head, and her evil grin returned. "I know exactly what to do with this. Come, we must find a box big enough for this guy's ego. Honestly, you'd think that his self-esteem would have dropped a little from having his hair and head chopped off from a man- eating crossword puzzle." She looked around. "I think we'd better go. The Aurors will be here soon, and I don't want to be here when they do. Alesca?"
She turned and found the harpie/veela/human looking on the ground with a saddened expression on her face. "Alesca, they all had to die sooner or later."
"It's not that!" she wailed. "I never got to finish the puzzle!"
Sweatdrop. Face-fault. Crash. "You are such a FREAK, Alesca!"
O~o~O
The Quibbler had a field day, and the best sale it had ever had since Harry Potter's account of what happened at the Triwizard Tournament. You-Know-Who Vanquished- By a Crossword Puzzle! Every student and staff member at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry had one by breakfast time. Several Slytherins scowled as the rest of the school celebrated while reading the article.
Ministry Aurors had come upon the remains of what seemed to be a battlefield upon which a terrible battle had been fought in the name of justice and all that is good and right, after being informed of suspicious flashes of light and screams of pain coming from the graveyard of a Muggle town called Little Hangleton. Thankfully, no memories needed to be wiped, as the only living witness was an eight-year old hybrid witch who had wings a tail and wolf ears. The occupants of Little Hangleton were satisfied with a story of a fireworks display that had gone wrong, and there was nothing to worry about.
The witness refused to give her name, but provided a very detailed account of the Death Eater meeting that had taken place that night. A non-Death Eater had come to the meeting and, upon being caught by You-Know-Who himself, she began firing spells in every direction with her eyes closed. A few transformed her harmless-seeming crossword puzzle into an army of giant man-eating books that quickly went after the Death Eaters. The largest went after the Dark Lord, and after a brief struggle, ended his reign of terror once and for all. Only two Death Eaters were killed in the attack, Lucius Malfoy and Peter Pettigrew, who was thought to be dead at the hands of the deceased convict Sirius Black, who will be given a full pardon. "It won't help any," The witness said. "You should have given it to him when he was still alive. Flap flap."
You-Know-Who, now revealed to be Tom Marvolo Riddle, is with his fellow remaining Death Eaters in St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. "There is little hope for recovery for some," a hospital official stated, "but Mr. Riddle will make a full recovery, given time. Many of the curses used were ancient ones only used by harpies and veelas and it is very possible that whoever cast the spells is more dangerous than the Dark Lord at his height of power. I suggest we find this person before things get out of hand."
The witness refused to give any more information concerning herself, the spell-caster, or why she happened to be in a Muggle town, given her appearance. "That, I believe, is really none of your concern," she told reporters, flapping around their heads. "It's my own business, none of your own, so I'll be going now. Flap flap." With that, she illegally Apparated out of the vicinity. Any information concerning either the witness or the spell caster will be highly appreciated.
"Falp flap?" Harry repeated as he read his paper. "As in Professor Lupin's kid?"
Over at the Slytherin table, Mitty Draconia was talking to Kage Lupin, the kid in question. "Next time don't Apparate where people can see you," she told the flying girl next to her. You're not the most common of magical creatures. They'll figure it out."
"What's that s'posed to mean?" Kage demanded, flying upside down, ears twitching.
"Never mind," Mitty said dismissively as an eagle owl bearing a large package came in and landed right in front of Draco Malfoy's plate. "I wonder what the brat got today."
The entire Great Hall was stunned into silence as a piercing scream cut through the air. The severed and very nearly bald head of Lucius Malfoy rolled out of the box and onto the floor. A note floated to the floor near the Gryffindor table. "'Merry Christmas from your friendly man-eating crossword puzzle,'" Harry read, looking rather sickened. "That's just wrong."
Alesca Munroe/Lupin grinned merrily as she walked into the room with her fellow Hogwarts teacher Delena Hupp. She stopped as she looked around. "So, what happened?"
Wordlessly, all the students turned towards the bodiless head. "Oh. Okay." And with that, she resumed her previous conversation with Delena. Death was nothing new to her; after all, she had just watched the entire Death Eater army die. She stopped again. "Well don't just leave the head there," she said. "Do something with it, and pray your homework is done."
The students all groaned. No matter what, she never forgot about homework.
Delena rolled her eyes. "Alesca, you're weird."
Alesca grinned. "I know, but don't I make life more interesting?"
O~o~O
End Notes: So, was it bad?
Sirius: Yes. You didn't have me in there!
Remus: or me.
Sirius: OR Remus.
Get over it. Siri, hate to break it to you, but you're dead.
Sirius: am not!
Are too. But if you're nice, you may be alive in the next fic
Review please!