Chapter 2
"It's not what you're thinking," says Jersey quietly. "Not after all these years. It ain't possible." There's a pitiful, pleading look in my father's eyes. "No," he says. "What is it? What are you guys talking about?" They say nothing, just avoid looking at each other's eyes.
- Exerpt from 'Sunset Over Chocolate Mountains' by Susan Elderkin
Okay.
Okay, don't panic. Ken'll be home soon, and I don't want him to know something's up. Do I? I'm not sure. Should I tell someone? Do I even want to know?! I'm not sure.
God this is so confusing...
"Aya-chan?"
Shit! He's home early! I fling the door of the photo room shut, lock it, shove the key in my pocket and run out to greet him. "Hi Ken!"
...Crap, he's frowning. What have I given away?! "You look flustered, Aya- chan. Are you feeling alright?" He puts his thin hand on my forehead, which is thankfully hot from all my harsh breathing and rushing around.
"Er, no, I feel kinda sick actually..."
"You'd better have a lie down then. Want me to ring Izzy?"
"NO! I mean, er no, I-I'd rather just go to sleep."
Crapcrapcrap! Ken always knows when I'm lying, 'cos I'm so bad at it! Still, he's letting me go. I really need to think just now...Dad's never kept anything from me, ever since he told me I was adopted. I mean, I don't really know everything about his past, 'cos he doesn't like to talk about it. Taichi talks about Yamato sometimes, and a lot of the gaps were filled in by Ken and Daisuke...but this seems big. I can feel it.
...Man. I really feel like crying. But I'm not the sort of girl who cries. I didn't even cry when I was seven and this kid called Takenouchi in the year above me kicked my shins and made me fall over in a puddle. I just squeezed my fist really hard and ground my teeth together. I'm doing it now, but it's not working. My room's going all fuzzy. I feel so stupid...
There's a knock at the door and I rub my eyes frantically. Can't let Ken see me crying! "C-come in!" My voice goes all weird and high pitched. I fling the bed sheets over my head and curl up, hugging my knees underneath them.
"...You know you can talk to me, Aya-chan. If you need anything at all, I'm always here for you. And Daisuke too, and Taichi and your father, of course." I feel so incredibly guilty. Ken thinks I don't trust him? God, no! And he's telling the truth. But...
"I'd rather not talk about it."
He sighs and gets up off the bed. It creaks slightly from the pressure release. It sounds like he's going, except suddenly, the light floods back in under the covers and he kisses my forehead lightly. I...He...Hasn't done that since I was a kid...I remember one time, so long ago, when these little shits at school were saying how I was really weird because I didn't have a mum and I had four dads. This was around the time we'd just started having sex ed. which made it even worse. And I came home with my fists bunched up so tight that my hands were bleeding. And all the guys made such a fuss of me and Dad kept kissing the top of my head as Taichi did up some bandages on my hands. And that evening, when Ken thought I was asleep, he came in my room and kissed my forehead. It was the gentlest thing I'd ever felt. I bet Daisuke doesn't know how lucky he is.
God, I haven't reminisced in ages! I feel kinda better now.
Tired. I feel...tired.
...
The voices outside my room wake me up. Ken and Daisuke. I look at my clock. Shit, it's gone 11:00! I must have been asleep for hours. Daisuke would've come back only a while ago. They're talking quietly, though quite near. I can only make out some words. My name. Worried. Secrets. My name again. The voices drift away and I can't make them out anymore. Even though I shouldn't really interrupt them, I'm dead hungry, having missed dinner. Just for effect, I walk out rubbing my head. Ken and Daisuke fall dead silent for a minute, then Ken says, "Still got a headache?"
"Yeah...a bit..." I wheeze. The phone rings, and for some reason, I wince. It's not like it's actually hurting my head, but luckily I can pass it off as this. Daisuke picks it up.
It's...Dad. Suddenly I do feel ill. My hands are shaking. What if I blurt it out? I know your secret Dad! But that's not strictly true, is it? Oh god. I clasp the phone, worried that my hands are so slippery with sweat, I'll drop it. "H-hello...?"
"Hi, honey. Daisuke said you weren't feeling too good. Are you okay now?" And for some reason, I'm surprised at how normal his voice sounds.
"Y-yeah, I'm better now..."
There are noises in the background of the phone. One is Taichi's voice. Other voices, mingled, that I don't recognise. Dad speaks louder, drowning them out. As if he doesn't want me to hear. "Look, something's come up. Taichi and I are going to have to stay here for a few more days. I'm sorry, honey, but it's really unavoidable."
I blink. "Dad...What do you do in Okinawa?!" I say quickly, surprising myself. But there's a loud wail in the background. O...kay...
"Sorry dear, I didn't hear you."
Somehow, I don't believe him. "...Never mind."
"I'll see you in a week. Can you take Ken and Daisuke shopping one day, because they never know what to buy. Love you; Taichi sends his love too." I mumble a miserable good-bye and hang up the phone. I feel like a complete turd. I just want to go and die, and I'm not even sure why.
Ken has disappeared and Daisuke is out on the balcony, taking out his lighter. I go out and join him. We stare at each other for a minute, then he takes out his box of cigarettes and offers it to me. I give him a questioning look. "You look like you could use it, hun." He lights it for me, and I take a long, slow draw. It's nice. The smoke clouds up my head, blocking out all the unwanted thoughts I've had today. Daisuke ruffles my hair so it sticks out at awkward angles. Instead of batting his hand away, I just smile.
Dad always said I look so pretty when I smile.
"It's not what you're thinking," says Jersey quietly. "Not after all these years. It ain't possible." There's a pitiful, pleading look in my father's eyes. "No," he says. "What is it? What are you guys talking about?" They say nothing, just avoid looking at each other's eyes.
- Exerpt from 'Sunset Over Chocolate Mountains' by Susan Elderkin
Okay.
Okay, don't panic. Ken'll be home soon, and I don't want him to know something's up. Do I? I'm not sure. Should I tell someone? Do I even want to know?! I'm not sure.
God this is so confusing...
"Aya-chan?"
Shit! He's home early! I fling the door of the photo room shut, lock it, shove the key in my pocket and run out to greet him. "Hi Ken!"
...Crap, he's frowning. What have I given away?! "You look flustered, Aya- chan. Are you feeling alright?" He puts his thin hand on my forehead, which is thankfully hot from all my harsh breathing and rushing around.
"Er, no, I feel kinda sick actually..."
"You'd better have a lie down then. Want me to ring Izzy?"
"NO! I mean, er no, I-I'd rather just go to sleep."
Crapcrapcrap! Ken always knows when I'm lying, 'cos I'm so bad at it! Still, he's letting me go. I really need to think just now...Dad's never kept anything from me, ever since he told me I was adopted. I mean, I don't really know everything about his past, 'cos he doesn't like to talk about it. Taichi talks about Yamato sometimes, and a lot of the gaps were filled in by Ken and Daisuke...but this seems big. I can feel it.
...Man. I really feel like crying. But I'm not the sort of girl who cries. I didn't even cry when I was seven and this kid called Takenouchi in the year above me kicked my shins and made me fall over in a puddle. I just squeezed my fist really hard and ground my teeth together. I'm doing it now, but it's not working. My room's going all fuzzy. I feel so stupid...
There's a knock at the door and I rub my eyes frantically. Can't let Ken see me crying! "C-come in!" My voice goes all weird and high pitched. I fling the bed sheets over my head and curl up, hugging my knees underneath them.
"...You know you can talk to me, Aya-chan. If you need anything at all, I'm always here for you. And Daisuke too, and Taichi and your father, of course." I feel so incredibly guilty. Ken thinks I don't trust him? God, no! And he's telling the truth. But...
"I'd rather not talk about it."
He sighs and gets up off the bed. It creaks slightly from the pressure release. It sounds like he's going, except suddenly, the light floods back in under the covers and he kisses my forehead lightly. I...He...Hasn't done that since I was a kid...I remember one time, so long ago, when these little shits at school were saying how I was really weird because I didn't have a mum and I had four dads. This was around the time we'd just started having sex ed. which made it even worse. And I came home with my fists bunched up so tight that my hands were bleeding. And all the guys made such a fuss of me and Dad kept kissing the top of my head as Taichi did up some bandages on my hands. And that evening, when Ken thought I was asleep, he came in my room and kissed my forehead. It was the gentlest thing I'd ever felt. I bet Daisuke doesn't know how lucky he is.
God, I haven't reminisced in ages! I feel kinda better now.
Tired. I feel...tired.
...
The voices outside my room wake me up. Ken and Daisuke. I look at my clock. Shit, it's gone 11:00! I must have been asleep for hours. Daisuke would've come back only a while ago. They're talking quietly, though quite near. I can only make out some words. My name. Worried. Secrets. My name again. The voices drift away and I can't make them out anymore. Even though I shouldn't really interrupt them, I'm dead hungry, having missed dinner. Just for effect, I walk out rubbing my head. Ken and Daisuke fall dead silent for a minute, then Ken says, "Still got a headache?"
"Yeah...a bit..." I wheeze. The phone rings, and for some reason, I wince. It's not like it's actually hurting my head, but luckily I can pass it off as this. Daisuke picks it up.
It's...Dad. Suddenly I do feel ill. My hands are shaking. What if I blurt it out? I know your secret Dad! But that's not strictly true, is it? Oh god. I clasp the phone, worried that my hands are so slippery with sweat, I'll drop it. "H-hello...?"
"Hi, honey. Daisuke said you weren't feeling too good. Are you okay now?" And for some reason, I'm surprised at how normal his voice sounds.
"Y-yeah, I'm better now..."
There are noises in the background of the phone. One is Taichi's voice. Other voices, mingled, that I don't recognise. Dad speaks louder, drowning them out. As if he doesn't want me to hear. "Look, something's come up. Taichi and I are going to have to stay here for a few more days. I'm sorry, honey, but it's really unavoidable."
I blink. "Dad...What do you do in Okinawa?!" I say quickly, surprising myself. But there's a loud wail in the background. O...kay...
"Sorry dear, I didn't hear you."
Somehow, I don't believe him. "...Never mind."
"I'll see you in a week. Can you take Ken and Daisuke shopping one day, because they never know what to buy. Love you; Taichi sends his love too." I mumble a miserable good-bye and hang up the phone. I feel like a complete turd. I just want to go and die, and I'm not even sure why.
Ken has disappeared and Daisuke is out on the balcony, taking out his lighter. I go out and join him. We stare at each other for a minute, then he takes out his box of cigarettes and offers it to me. I give him a questioning look. "You look like you could use it, hun." He lights it for me, and I take a long, slow draw. It's nice. The smoke clouds up my head, blocking out all the unwanted thoughts I've had today. Daisuke ruffles my hair so it sticks out at awkward angles. Instead of batting his hand away, I just smile.
Dad always said I look so pretty when I smile.