The gang spent about an hour hanging around, dancing silly in the living
room, snacking and drinking, having general Scooby fun. Spike was
disappointed that Buffy kept him at arms length whenever Giles was near,
and hoped it was only temporary. She gave him pleading looks when he would
try to nuzzle or touch her intimately, and when he pouted it was all she
could do not to nibble on that luscious bottom lip of his. But she had to
talk with Giles. She wasn't going to flaunt this so soon after him finding
out.
After a few heartfelt toasts and congratulations, Willow surprised Anya and Xander with the entertainment for the evening, a showing of Runaway Bride. Once popcorn and libations had been distributed, Buffy discretely asked Giles to join her on the back porch. As she walked past Spike, he reached up and squeezed her hand briefly. She stopped and bent down to him. She gave him a kiss on the cheek and whispered, "Everything will be fine. I promise."
He chuckled. "That's what I've been telling you, luv." He winked at her and she ruffled his hair as she followed Giles out to the porch.
**
She found Giles sitting on the steps, staring out into the darkness. After a few moments of tense silence, he asked, "How did this happen, Buffy?" He sounded very fatherly, but not upset.
"I really don't know." She sat next to him. "We were just friends. He was helping me out of my...depression or whatever that was. We were hanging out. I could talk to him. We patrolled all the time. And then one day, I realized...there was more than just friendship there. And we got...closer. I don't know any other way to describe it, Giles." Giles nodded and they sat quietly together for a few minutes, both organizing their thoughts.
"I'm sure I needn't remind you what he is." Giles took off his glasses, but set them aside instead of polishing them.
"No, you 'needn't'. I know what he is. I know he's a vampire. He's Spike..."
**
Spike was getting bored with the movie. And bored without Buffy. It was late enough, sure to be some baddies about. He decided to momentarily interrupt what was bound to be an intense discussion so he could tell Buffy he was going out for a bit. Maybe being out of the area for a couple hours would de-tense the situation, if that was possible. He quietly left the living room, everyone too engrossed in poking fun at the movie and each other to notice his exit. He walked toward the backdoor, but stopped when he heard Buffy's voice through the open window... "He's Spike. He's a soulless killer, I know this, Giles. And I do remember what I told you. I could never love someone without a soul."
Spike frowned and decided he'd heard enough. He left the kitchen and headed straight for the front door, slamming it on his way out. Tara was the only Scooby who noticed, but her attention was quickly drawn back to her girlfriend who was teasing Xander.
Spike walked down the sidewalk trying to gather his thoughts. He knew she didn't love him. Not yet. He had always held out hope that someday she might. He was so certain that she was close. He could see something in her eyes when they made love. Something that implied she wanted to say more to him. Something more than "Oh Spike, you feel so good." "Baby, god, the way you touch me." "Don't ever stop, Spike." "I need you. Need you so much." Somewhere in her eyes he saw her love. At least the potential for it. Or so he had thought. Was it really just intense like? Deep caring? He'd told her once that he didn't expect anything from her. He'd lied. He knew it would scare her off back then, but he secretly hoped she would love him. If he proved himself to her, she could love him. What else could he do? His chip was defective and he wasn't hunting or hurting humans. He was the model boyfriend, attending every stupid Scooby event she dragged him to. He'd even been nice to Xander. Xander! Was it Giles? Had she really been close, but then pulled away by Giles? He doubted it, but even if it were true, what could he do about it? What more could he do, give, or be for her? What would it take for her to love him?
**
"...I could never love someone without a soul." Buffy paused a moment, then turned to Giles. She waited until he looked at her, then took a deep breath. "So why do I?"
Giles hung his head and sighed. "You love him...Are you absolutely sure that what you're feeling is love and not...perhaps lust?"
Buffy shook her head. "No, I mean, yeah. Lust is definitely present. But it goes deeper, what I feel for him."
"Perhaps your feelings of lust are...changing the way you perceive your friendship with Spike. Or perhaps his assistance during your...low period..made you fixate on him in some manner of hero worship...that's possible..." Giles looked off in the distance, contemplating all the things that could make his Slayer go off the deep end.
"Giles, it's not just friendship. It's not just lust. And it's certainly not some hero worship or any other psychobabble. I know love. I loved Angel. If I'm completely honest with myself, I only deeply liked Riley. And what I feel for Spike right now is closer to the Angel feeling than the Riley feeling. I don't feel for him the way I did Angel, but it's more than I had with Riley. And it has a lot of potential to go deeper."
Giles shook his head and looked up at the stars. "So, what do you intend to do now?"
Buffy shrugged. "I don't know. We're kind of just playing it by ear. The gang knows and they're dealing. My biggest worry was you. Giles, you're like my father. No, that's an insult. You're my father figure, and I need your approval. Well, if not your approval, your acceptance. And not even necessarily of Spike, but of me. Of my decisions to do this with my life right now. I can't honestly say where this will lead, if anywhere. But I'm so happy right now, Giles. I haven't been this happy since...well, it's been a long time."
Giles stood up, polishing his glasses. "Well, Buffy, you know my opinion of this situation. I'm sorry, but I can't support your decision. But I will always love you and yes, even accept your right to make your own mistakes. And I do feel this is a mistake, Buffy. But, as you're an adult, there is precious little I can do about it. I would suggest we try to keep it as quiet as possible, seeing as the Council will no doubt frown upon giving money to a Slayer who has decided to...date a vampire."
Buffy stood up and put her hand on his arm. "You're right. We'll be careful. And thank you, Giles. I knew you wouldn't turn your back on me. Even if you think I'm being monumentally stupid."
Giles sighed and nodded. "Which, I do, by the way. In case there was any doubt..."
Buffy smiled. "Got it. I just hope I can prove you wrong."
Giles opened the door and let her enter in front of him. "As do I, dear."
When Buffy entered the living room, she noticed immediately Spike was gone. "Where'd Spike go?" she asked to no one in particular.
The gang looked around, realizing that he was, indeed, not present. Tara spoke up. "Um, he left a few minutes ago. He didn't say where he was going."
Buffy frowned. "Oh, well...probably too much Scooby-ness for him. His loss. I'm sure he'll be back before too long." Buffy did her best to not worry about him and enjoy the party.
**
Spike patrolled for a couple of hours, mostly working on autopilot. He'd dust fledglings with no effort at all, barely noticing if it was a man or a woman he was staking. Didn't matter. Only one thing mattered: her. How to win her. He thought he had her, but he'd heard it from her own mouth tonight. He didn't have her and he never would. "I could never love someone without a soul." That was it. She was lost to him. No matter how good he acted, how many natural impulses he suppressed for her, that's all he would be to her. "A soulless killer." Didn't she realize how tempting it was to bite her when they were making love? How just kissing her neck made his demon scream for her blood? The pulse of it just a scant fangs- length away...
No, she didn't realize. She didn't know what kind of sacrifice he was making for her. She thought it was so easy for him. And it *was* easy for him not to hunt other humans. But when she offered her neck to him...didn't she know that while she wanted his tender kisses, he wanted to drink her life? Since that first time he tasted her blood, before she tried to kill herself, he'd wanted more. Immediately after, he had been disgusted by it. Cleaning up the puddle in his crypt, he'd almost gagged at the sight and smell. Not because he didn't want to taste it, but because it meant that she had almost died again. But then when they were intimate...when she would lay against him on the couch, with her back to his front, her neck laid bare...god, he'd wanted to taste her again. To claim her as his. He always avoided kissing the spot where Angel had marked her. The spot burned him inside like holy water to his heart. He would never have her like Angel had. He might make love to her and fuck her and have her in more ways than he could count, but he'd never have what Angel had. He'd never have her love.
And Spike finally decided to say out loud what had been torturing his thoughts all night. "She won't love me unless I have a soul. Can't get a soul, don't really want one anyway...so I'll never have her love." It was a simple equation, Spike reasoned. One that, no matter how many ways he figured it, always equaled Buffy's inability to love him.
Spike sat on a headstone, shoulders slumped. "Well, it was a good run while it lasted. Never even thought the Slayer would give me the time of day. Love...that was a pipe dream from the beginning. So I'll just...give up? Give up on Buffy? I can't do that. She's my everything. And I don't give up on anything that's important to me. Even if there's no conceivable way, I'll find a way. It's what I do. I don't just sit back and take defeat. If I'm gonna lose her, it's gonna be on my terms. If there's any possible way of winning her heart, I'll do it." Spike heard a noise from behind him and whirled around. "And if anyone's listening to me talking to myself, I'm going to have to rip out their heart."
From behind a tree, a flabby-skinned hand poked out and waved. "Uh, Spike? It's Clem. I didn't really hear everything you said, so please don't rip out my heart."
Spike frowned. "Clem? What're you doing here?"
Clem slowly walked out from behind the tree, hands up in an appeasing manner. "Um, well, I was hoping I could hang out at your place. There's a movie on that I wanted to watch, and I don't get the channel that it's on."
Spike frowned again, looking around and noticing he was near his own crypt. "Blimey. Uh, yeah, sure. You know you're always welcome to the telly."
"Well, I thought I'd be more cautious, seeing as last time I just let myself in, well..."
Spike smiled. "Oh, uh, right. Buffy wanted me to tell you she's sorry for throwing the axe at your head."
Clem shrugged. "No biggie. Just with the screaming and yelling...I thought maybe you could use a hand with whatever you were fighting. Little did I know..." Spike chuckled. "And by the way, no offense, she's a real nice girl I'm sure, but...her skin really is that tight all over?" Spike raised an eyebrow. "I'm just sayin'...you humanoids have some strange tastes."
"*I* have strange tastes? *You* like eating kittens..." Spike started walking towards his crypt with Clem in tow.
"Yeah, but still...I saw her stomach..blech...all taut and smooth..."
"Why don't we just stop talking about what my girlfriend looks like naked, ok?" Spike sighed. "Girlfriend...yeah right..." He stopped in mid stride and shook his head. "What am I going to do?"
Clem sighed and then put his hand on Spike's shoulder. "Um, while I was busy *not* listening to you talk to yourself, I might have caught a few words here or there." Spike looked at him, curious. "Well, see, thing is...the thing...about your soul? I *might* have some information that could help you. It's an old legend and a real long shot, but...maybe....."
Spike started to smile a bit. He slapped Clem on the back. "Mate, long shots are my specialty. And frankly, I got nothing else right now. Lay it on me..."
**
TBC
After a few heartfelt toasts and congratulations, Willow surprised Anya and Xander with the entertainment for the evening, a showing of Runaway Bride. Once popcorn and libations had been distributed, Buffy discretely asked Giles to join her on the back porch. As she walked past Spike, he reached up and squeezed her hand briefly. She stopped and bent down to him. She gave him a kiss on the cheek and whispered, "Everything will be fine. I promise."
He chuckled. "That's what I've been telling you, luv." He winked at her and she ruffled his hair as she followed Giles out to the porch.
**
She found Giles sitting on the steps, staring out into the darkness. After a few moments of tense silence, he asked, "How did this happen, Buffy?" He sounded very fatherly, but not upset.
"I really don't know." She sat next to him. "We were just friends. He was helping me out of my...depression or whatever that was. We were hanging out. I could talk to him. We patrolled all the time. And then one day, I realized...there was more than just friendship there. And we got...closer. I don't know any other way to describe it, Giles." Giles nodded and they sat quietly together for a few minutes, both organizing their thoughts.
"I'm sure I needn't remind you what he is." Giles took off his glasses, but set them aside instead of polishing them.
"No, you 'needn't'. I know what he is. I know he's a vampire. He's Spike..."
**
Spike was getting bored with the movie. And bored without Buffy. It was late enough, sure to be some baddies about. He decided to momentarily interrupt what was bound to be an intense discussion so he could tell Buffy he was going out for a bit. Maybe being out of the area for a couple hours would de-tense the situation, if that was possible. He quietly left the living room, everyone too engrossed in poking fun at the movie and each other to notice his exit. He walked toward the backdoor, but stopped when he heard Buffy's voice through the open window... "He's Spike. He's a soulless killer, I know this, Giles. And I do remember what I told you. I could never love someone without a soul."
Spike frowned and decided he'd heard enough. He left the kitchen and headed straight for the front door, slamming it on his way out. Tara was the only Scooby who noticed, but her attention was quickly drawn back to her girlfriend who was teasing Xander.
Spike walked down the sidewalk trying to gather his thoughts. He knew she didn't love him. Not yet. He had always held out hope that someday she might. He was so certain that she was close. He could see something in her eyes when they made love. Something that implied she wanted to say more to him. Something more than "Oh Spike, you feel so good." "Baby, god, the way you touch me." "Don't ever stop, Spike." "I need you. Need you so much." Somewhere in her eyes he saw her love. At least the potential for it. Or so he had thought. Was it really just intense like? Deep caring? He'd told her once that he didn't expect anything from her. He'd lied. He knew it would scare her off back then, but he secretly hoped she would love him. If he proved himself to her, she could love him. What else could he do? His chip was defective and he wasn't hunting or hurting humans. He was the model boyfriend, attending every stupid Scooby event she dragged him to. He'd even been nice to Xander. Xander! Was it Giles? Had she really been close, but then pulled away by Giles? He doubted it, but even if it were true, what could he do about it? What more could he do, give, or be for her? What would it take for her to love him?
**
"...I could never love someone without a soul." Buffy paused a moment, then turned to Giles. She waited until he looked at her, then took a deep breath. "So why do I?"
Giles hung his head and sighed. "You love him...Are you absolutely sure that what you're feeling is love and not...perhaps lust?"
Buffy shook her head. "No, I mean, yeah. Lust is definitely present. But it goes deeper, what I feel for him."
"Perhaps your feelings of lust are...changing the way you perceive your friendship with Spike. Or perhaps his assistance during your...low period..made you fixate on him in some manner of hero worship...that's possible..." Giles looked off in the distance, contemplating all the things that could make his Slayer go off the deep end.
"Giles, it's not just friendship. It's not just lust. And it's certainly not some hero worship or any other psychobabble. I know love. I loved Angel. If I'm completely honest with myself, I only deeply liked Riley. And what I feel for Spike right now is closer to the Angel feeling than the Riley feeling. I don't feel for him the way I did Angel, but it's more than I had with Riley. And it has a lot of potential to go deeper."
Giles shook his head and looked up at the stars. "So, what do you intend to do now?"
Buffy shrugged. "I don't know. We're kind of just playing it by ear. The gang knows and they're dealing. My biggest worry was you. Giles, you're like my father. No, that's an insult. You're my father figure, and I need your approval. Well, if not your approval, your acceptance. And not even necessarily of Spike, but of me. Of my decisions to do this with my life right now. I can't honestly say where this will lead, if anywhere. But I'm so happy right now, Giles. I haven't been this happy since...well, it's been a long time."
Giles stood up, polishing his glasses. "Well, Buffy, you know my opinion of this situation. I'm sorry, but I can't support your decision. But I will always love you and yes, even accept your right to make your own mistakes. And I do feel this is a mistake, Buffy. But, as you're an adult, there is precious little I can do about it. I would suggest we try to keep it as quiet as possible, seeing as the Council will no doubt frown upon giving money to a Slayer who has decided to...date a vampire."
Buffy stood up and put her hand on his arm. "You're right. We'll be careful. And thank you, Giles. I knew you wouldn't turn your back on me. Even if you think I'm being monumentally stupid."
Giles sighed and nodded. "Which, I do, by the way. In case there was any doubt..."
Buffy smiled. "Got it. I just hope I can prove you wrong."
Giles opened the door and let her enter in front of him. "As do I, dear."
When Buffy entered the living room, she noticed immediately Spike was gone. "Where'd Spike go?" she asked to no one in particular.
The gang looked around, realizing that he was, indeed, not present. Tara spoke up. "Um, he left a few minutes ago. He didn't say where he was going."
Buffy frowned. "Oh, well...probably too much Scooby-ness for him. His loss. I'm sure he'll be back before too long." Buffy did her best to not worry about him and enjoy the party.
**
Spike patrolled for a couple of hours, mostly working on autopilot. He'd dust fledglings with no effort at all, barely noticing if it was a man or a woman he was staking. Didn't matter. Only one thing mattered: her. How to win her. He thought he had her, but he'd heard it from her own mouth tonight. He didn't have her and he never would. "I could never love someone without a soul." That was it. She was lost to him. No matter how good he acted, how many natural impulses he suppressed for her, that's all he would be to her. "A soulless killer." Didn't she realize how tempting it was to bite her when they were making love? How just kissing her neck made his demon scream for her blood? The pulse of it just a scant fangs- length away...
No, she didn't realize. She didn't know what kind of sacrifice he was making for her. She thought it was so easy for him. And it *was* easy for him not to hunt other humans. But when she offered her neck to him...didn't she know that while she wanted his tender kisses, he wanted to drink her life? Since that first time he tasted her blood, before she tried to kill herself, he'd wanted more. Immediately after, he had been disgusted by it. Cleaning up the puddle in his crypt, he'd almost gagged at the sight and smell. Not because he didn't want to taste it, but because it meant that she had almost died again. But then when they were intimate...when she would lay against him on the couch, with her back to his front, her neck laid bare...god, he'd wanted to taste her again. To claim her as his. He always avoided kissing the spot where Angel had marked her. The spot burned him inside like holy water to his heart. He would never have her like Angel had. He might make love to her and fuck her and have her in more ways than he could count, but he'd never have what Angel had. He'd never have her love.
And Spike finally decided to say out loud what had been torturing his thoughts all night. "She won't love me unless I have a soul. Can't get a soul, don't really want one anyway...so I'll never have her love." It was a simple equation, Spike reasoned. One that, no matter how many ways he figured it, always equaled Buffy's inability to love him.
Spike sat on a headstone, shoulders slumped. "Well, it was a good run while it lasted. Never even thought the Slayer would give me the time of day. Love...that was a pipe dream from the beginning. So I'll just...give up? Give up on Buffy? I can't do that. She's my everything. And I don't give up on anything that's important to me. Even if there's no conceivable way, I'll find a way. It's what I do. I don't just sit back and take defeat. If I'm gonna lose her, it's gonna be on my terms. If there's any possible way of winning her heart, I'll do it." Spike heard a noise from behind him and whirled around. "And if anyone's listening to me talking to myself, I'm going to have to rip out their heart."
From behind a tree, a flabby-skinned hand poked out and waved. "Uh, Spike? It's Clem. I didn't really hear everything you said, so please don't rip out my heart."
Spike frowned. "Clem? What're you doing here?"
Clem slowly walked out from behind the tree, hands up in an appeasing manner. "Um, well, I was hoping I could hang out at your place. There's a movie on that I wanted to watch, and I don't get the channel that it's on."
Spike frowned again, looking around and noticing he was near his own crypt. "Blimey. Uh, yeah, sure. You know you're always welcome to the telly."
"Well, I thought I'd be more cautious, seeing as last time I just let myself in, well..."
Spike smiled. "Oh, uh, right. Buffy wanted me to tell you she's sorry for throwing the axe at your head."
Clem shrugged. "No biggie. Just with the screaming and yelling...I thought maybe you could use a hand with whatever you were fighting. Little did I know..." Spike chuckled. "And by the way, no offense, she's a real nice girl I'm sure, but...her skin really is that tight all over?" Spike raised an eyebrow. "I'm just sayin'...you humanoids have some strange tastes."
"*I* have strange tastes? *You* like eating kittens..." Spike started walking towards his crypt with Clem in tow.
"Yeah, but still...I saw her stomach..blech...all taut and smooth..."
"Why don't we just stop talking about what my girlfriend looks like naked, ok?" Spike sighed. "Girlfriend...yeah right..." He stopped in mid stride and shook his head. "What am I going to do?"
Clem sighed and then put his hand on Spike's shoulder. "Um, while I was busy *not* listening to you talk to yourself, I might have caught a few words here or there." Spike looked at him, curious. "Well, see, thing is...the thing...about your soul? I *might* have some information that could help you. It's an old legend and a real long shot, but...maybe....."
Spike started to smile a bit. He slapped Clem on the back. "Mate, long shots are my specialty. And frankly, I got nothing else right now. Lay it on me..."
**
TBC