Wyatt has texted me a few times in order to check in, informing me that his parents would be leaving at the end of the week and that he would be beginning a new program. In most cases I would have been happy about this… but right now I just couldn't seem to do that.

I had never given unsafe sex any formal thought, even though I was at least somewhat informed about the dangers of not taking preventative precautions. We were both male; pregnancy was not anything we needed to concern ourselves with, and I trusted that he was clean, knowing him well enough where I fully believed that he would tell me if he wasn't. That wasn't my concern, though… even if he wasn't clean I don't think it would effect the feelings I had for him.

I was the one who I had never taken the time to wonder about… I had spend two years of my childhood being repeatedly sexually assaulted and I was quite confident at this point that I wasn't the only one, which was something else I had never considered…

How many of us had there been?

How many of his victims were dead by this point, either by their own hand or by the harshness that was living in the Abbey?

What if I actually did have something?

Was it possible that I had given that to Wyatt?

Memories had begun flooding back to me again ever since we left the doctors office, bits and pieces of my life that I thought I had finally mastered keeping hidden away. My nightmares had stopped months ago; my flashbacks had been occurring so much less frequently that I had truly believed I had put all of it behind me and could now move on. As long as I had Wyatt and my friends by my side I could get through it.

But I had done something unforgivable, halting that progress in its tracks.

I had endangered him.

How was I even supposed to answer when he tried to call me? Hey, sorry for ignoring you, I'm waiting to learn if I'm HIV positive from when I was raped seven years before I even met you, maybe you should get tested too?

Yeah, that would end just great…

I felt dirty, like a virus that needed to be exterminated for the worlds own good, I wanted to crawl out of my skin but instead I was left alone in my room again, scratching at my arms and legs until they were red and agitated. If I got under my own surface maybe I could bathe in bleach and finally be clean again. It was like bugs were crawling under me.

Double checking that the lights were all off in the house and that everyone had fallen asleep, I began fidgeting with the window that sat just above my bed, trying to open it as quietly as I could while also attempting to figure out how to get the screen off, which admittedly wasn't as difficult as I had expected.

I needed to take a walk or something, anything to take my mind off of what was happening.

I'm not sure what caused me to suddenly feel like I needed to change clothes, but I dressed in silence while convincing myself that leaving the house was what I needed to do right now, whether I was grounded or not.

I wore ripped jeans and a crop top, wanting for some season to have my navel piercing visible. No one in my family had noticed and I suddenly found that fact bothering me.

Clipping suspenders that I had no memory of ever getting onto my pants, I let them hang down, looking more like an accessory for my jeans than something used to keep them pulled up, and I wasn't shy about the amount of jewelry or metal chains that hung off of me.

If I had black nail polish, I likely would have warn it, and outside of the fact that I wore no make up I truly looked like just your run of the mill punky teenager, which I guess wasn't different than my normal look, but something inside me said otherwise.

I wanted to look like a queer.

I wanted to look in the mirror and have an excuse to be disgusted by the faggot that looked back at me.

I wanted to become someone who could be easily hated.

I wanted the world to hate me as much as I hated myself.

Completing my assemble with fingerless gloves and military boots, I allowed my brain to go into default mode as I climbed out of my open window without looking back.

Xxx

It hadn't taken me long to get to the train station, refusing to look anyone in the eye as I sat down, thankful that the pod was near empty. I didn't know if I stuck out or if you could tell I was too young to be out of the house past curfew, but no one asked, meaning that at the end of the day it didn't matter.

Although I looked up, my eyes focused on very little, currently feeling like I was watching myself from the ceiling instead of inside my own head and only interrupted when I felt a hand touch my shoulder, bringing me quickly back to reality.

A long haired blond sat next to me now, a rather cunning smirk taking up his face. His hair was pulled into a ponytail and all that hung in front of his face were chunky pieces of bang, all dyed different colors. It looked like his face was being framed by a rainbow.

"Long time no see." He said, leaning sideways onto the seat and crossing his legs.

I wrinkled my eyebrows slightly as I looked at him, trying to take in the familiar face. I definitely knew him, but how I knew him was another question entirely. He hadn't gone to school with us, had he?

"Have we met before?" I asked quietly.

"Don't tell me you forgot my pretty face already, dildo boy." He giggled.

As he spoke, something in my head suddenly clicked.

"You're the guy from the porn store." I said.

"No fucking duh. I go out of my way to be memorable, can't say I'm too happy with how long that took you."

"Don't you live in Tokyo if that's the case?"

"Only during the school year, sweetie." He was looking me up and down, causing me to scoot away from him just slightly, hoping he might get the hint. "What are you doing out here all by yourself? Prowling for some real dick to practice on, or did you already do that?" He touched a hand to my neck, poking one of the hickeys that were still visible.

"I just needed to get out of the house."

He was flirting with me, even I wasn't too dense to see that… Should I tell him that I was pretty sure I was HIV positive? It really wasn't anyone's business, and I suppose I didn't technically know for sure.

"You manage to score a fake ID back in the city by chance?"

I looked at him, scooting slightly further away one more time.

"Yeah."

"You have it with you?"

"Yeah."

"You wanna hit up the Fag Gag?" I raised an eyebrow at him, making it clear that I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about and causing him to playfully smack me on the back of the head. "The gay club, dumbass. I'm dateless tonight if you know what I mean."

"The gay club is seriously called the Fag Gag?"

"No!" He laughed. "That's just what we all call it." I didn't answer, bringing my legs up onto the seat and wrapping my arms around myself. I wanted him to go away, I wanted to be alone right now. "Come on," He said as we stopped, grabbing my wrist somewhat forcefully and pulling me onto my feet.

He still had a hold of me when we exited the train, pulling me through what looked to be some sort of red light district…

Did we have a red light district? We weren't exactly a big city. Still, it had all of the stereotypes you would typically see, scandalously dressed women flicking cigarette butts on the ground, homeless people picking the butts up in order to get just the smallest doses of nicotine, syringes littering the sidewalks.

Where were we?

"I don't think I'm supposed to be here." I said shyly, attempting unsuccessfully to pull away from him.

"It's fine." He smiled. "I'll buy you a drink."

Although my heart was pounding, his words relaxed me just enough to keep walking. A drink actually sounded great right now, or maybe a joint. I just needed something to calm my nerves down. This is what I wanted to get out of the house for, to do something that I wasn't supposed to do.

He lead me down an alley, causing me to gradually become more and more unsure if I was currently being led to the spot my dead body would later be found and debating if either of my parents had ever spoken to me about stranger danger as a child.

"Where are we going?" I asked. "I thought you said this was a bar?"

"I'm taking you in the back entrance."

"Excuse me?"

I yanked my wrist out of his grip, hard. Pausing for a moment to look at my in confusion, the blond then burst into hysterical laughter.

"The back entrance of the club, dumbass, do I really strike you as a pitcher?"

I thought about running… I didn't think he would chase me or anything, he just seemed to be too dumb to take no for an answer. It wasn't unheard of, Tyson had poor communication skills as well.

"What do you want with me?" I asked.

"You're cute, I figured it wouldn't hurt to buy you a drink. You're sixteen, right?"

Suddenly I remembered that I had been dishonest about my age, claiming to be sixteen when I had gone into the store.

"Yeah." I responded. It hardly qualified as a lie anymore, I would by sixteen in only a few months.

He didn't try and take hold of me anymore, instead leaning against the side of the door and lighting a cigarette. He offered me one too, which I took reluctantly. To be honest I would rather have pot at the moment, he was freaking me the fuck out.

"I bet you're a virgin still, aren't you?" He giggled. "That's kinky."

I was about to tell him that I was no longer a virgin as of a few days ago when the door near where he leaned burst open, two men coming out wrapped in each others arms and making out extremely aggressively. The smaller of the two had fumbled with his partners pants, getting on his knees as soon as the door closed and going to town without caring who noticed.

The blond paid them no attention, instead gently touching a hand to mine before flicking his hardly smoked cigarette onto the ground and coaxing me to come into the building.

"Come on."

"I'm not sure this is a good idea."

He ignored my words, pulling me along with him into the back entrance. The building was dark and stank of cigarettes and mildew, loud music blasting from a set of speakers that I was fairly certain were older than I was and some sort of purple tinted fluorescent lighting making it so that we could at least see for the most part.

The building was semi crowded, still, the blond was able to get us a set of bar stools, one of which he patted for me to get onto. The seam was ripped and foam was hanging out of the tear, blending in with a DIY fix of duct tape that took up the other half of it.

"Yuki!" The bartender looked at my most recent stalker, pecking him on the cheek in a way that wasn't necessarily romantic, but definitely seemed a bit too European for a bar in downtown japan. "Who's the new meat?" He asked, giving me a somewhat sly grin. Did he lick his lips at me?

"I'm not sure." Yuki giggled. "He never gave me his name, which I guess will come in handy when I get his number later." He gave me a small wink, causing me to blush awkwardly. "Who are you, sweetie?"

He handed me a drink in a glass that I was rather unconfident was clean, causing me to debate if drinking from it could potentially give me hepatitis. No one had even asked for my ID, even though Yuki had made a point to ask if I had my fake on me.

"Kai..." I mumbled quietly. Should I have given a fake name?

Touching his glass to mine in some sort of cheer, Yuki scooted his bar stool closer to my own, touching a hand to my bare back.

"Well, Kai," He said. "Lets see where the night takes us."

"I have a boyfriend. I think."

"You only think?"

Although he still smiled, he had removed his hand from me, causing me to sigh in relief and take a large gulp of the stale alcohol he had given me, trying to pretend not to notice the dead fly that currently floated alongside the ice cubes.

"It's complicated."

"Blowjob guy?"

A lump formed in my throat as I turned to look at him in shock, nearly choking on what I hadn't yet swallowed. How did he know about Wyatt? Know about his reputation?

"How do-" I was about to ask when he interrupted me.

"You look like a deer in the headlights." He laughed. "I was the one who gave you the dildo to practice on, remember?"

Air filled my lungs once again as I came to understand what he was talking about, remembering that I had specifically asked for a dildo because I wanted to practice giving head, even though the first time I did it I was going off of zero experience anyway.

"Yeah..." I said.

"So how did the night go?"

"Pardon?"

"You and your man, did you suck him?"

"My jaw got sore kinda quickly."

He gave me another drink, noticing that I was no longer sipping at mine. This time he had gotten something that had a shot sitting on top, dropping it into the alcohol before taking a rather large swig of it and watching for me to do the same.

"The least he could have done was help you out." Yuki was looking at me again, touching a foot to mine under the lip of the bar. "If someone is gonna taste you for the first time the least you could do is tell them how to do it. What's this guy planning on doing when you two fuck? Just letting you lay there like a girl?"

"We've had sex." I told him. "He was my first."

Oddly, as soon as I said this, Yuki stepped back a bit, suddenly appearing less enthusiastic than he had before. Did he have a virgin kink or something? Was that why he was so interested in me?

"How was it?" He asked after a moment.

"It was amazing." I blushed. Although I hadn't had a ton to drink, I noticed my words beginning to slur a bit, similar to how I had been when wasted in the city, but with a lot less in my system. "Fuck… it was incredible." I was getting choked up, inhaling aggressively and wiping at the tears that were starting to form. "I'm such a fucking idiot." I sobbed.

"You're a bit of a lightweight if you're crying already. That or it was really bad sex."

"I think I have HIV."

Yuki had backed off of me, resting his cheek on his hand and using the other to brush a tear off my face.

"That's rough." He said as I lay my head down on the bar, not even bothering to care why it was sticky. "That's like, blood and jizz transferred or something, isn't it? Can you get that from saliva too?"

"No." I moped, remembering a few things the nurse had explained to me when the doctor had left. "You can't get it from saliva."

Why was he asking me this?

I was getting dizzy, eyes fluttering as the room seemed to spin beneath me and the lighting was giving me a headache.

"You okay?" Yuki asked, touching a hand to my shoulder. "You seem pretty wasted."

I didn't answer him as he got into his feet, taking my arm and pulling it over his shoulder in order to help me stand without falling over. What was happening to me? Could I really be this drunk already? This wasn't how I usually felt when I drank too much; it was closer in feeling to the time I had overdosed at my dads house.

"Somethings wrong..." I mumbled, unsure if he could hear me through all the noise.

"I live nearby, I can take you to my apartment so that you can sober up."

"No..."

"It's fine, really."

He had to practically carry me in order for me to walk, my legs like jelly under me and everything that surrounded us suddenly amplified. It was too loud, it was too bright, it was too dark…

"I wanna go home."

"You're in no shape to go home." Yuki giggled as we made it out the door. He walked me down to the train station, helping me on board and only going one stop before helping me back off, appearing to notice my confusion toward what was happening. "Normally I would just walk, but you seem like you need a break. You're lucky you aren't very heavy, I actually kinda like how tiny you are, it's kinda sexy."

Time seemed to be blurring together as he got me inside of his apartment where I was able to make out the voices of a few other men.

"Where did you find this little twink?" Someone laughed at what I believed was my expense. "I'll take a turn when you're done."

"This one might have HIV." He mumbled, appearing to finally be getting tired from carrying me.

"That's too bad, he looks tight. I would have guessed he was a virgin."

"He wouldn't have been for long."

I made an attempt to catch myself as Yuki dropped me, suddenly realizing that I couldn't move my limbs more than a few centimeters. My arms and legs felt extremely heavy, like my entire body was being weighed down.

What was happening to me?

Who were these people?

Where was I?

"He can still give head, right? Like, can you catch it that way?"

"Only if he's bleeding. You can still fuck him if you wear a condom."

My eyes had forced themselves closed and I didn't have the strength to open them again, no longer able to see what was happening. All I could sense was that someone had sat down next to me, I could hear the metal of a belt buckle being undone…

Where these guys about to have sex on top of me or something?

With some aggression, the moistness of a pair of lips touched my own, kissing me roughly and against my will. Why couldn't I move? A hand had taken hold of my own as another moved its way up my shirt for a brief moment.

"Fuck, he's hot..." I heard Yuki say, his voice now shaking as he spoke. Something had touched my lips and I could smell the musk of his pubic region.

He was using my hand to jack himself off…

He was using my hand to jack himself off on my face…

Attempting to part my lips, he touched the tip of himself to my tongue.

"Suck it." He wheezed quietly, putting a finger in my mouth to part my teeth. "Fuck, I've wanted you since I first saw you."

He pushed himself into the back of my throat and without any warning, I suddenly spewed all the contents of my stomach directly onto his crotch, causing the room to go into utter chaos.

"What the fuck, Yuki!?" One of the men yelled, the sound of people scattering filled my ears, Yuki's own yelling being the easiest thing to hear.

"Fuck!" He yelled, "Can I get something from puke!? Someone move him, if he drowns they can blame me for that shit."

The boy who had been kind to me was now gone, replaced by angry yelling as someone hit me hard on the back, causing me to cough aggressively. The only movement I could manage without help was the feeling of my limbs quivering.

"How many did you give him!?"

"It was only one, will you fucking shut up?"

It was only one? What did that mean? Had he given me something?

I was slipping in and out of consciousness as the group of men worked on moving me, peeling my eyelids back and hitting me lightly on my face.

"You should have done half of one, this kid doesn't weigh very much."

Something had gone very, very wrong… this was becoming clear the more they panicked, going from giving zero shits about me to suddenly seeming concerned for my well being.

Was I dying?

Yuki had drugged me when we were at the bar, his plan all along had been to bring me back here but who were these guys? What was happening? If I hadn't told him I was being tested for HIV would he be in the process of raping me right now? Was that his plan?

I couldn't tell what was happening around me anymore, all my senses had begun mixing together and I was beginning to forget my thoughts just as I had finished making them.

I couldn't remember how I got here… who had I been with at the bar? It was one of these guys, but which one?

Was I drunk? How much had I had to drink?

Slowly, everything happening inside my head became fuzzy, leading to me being able to hear what they were saying but to no longer be able to process it.

My understanding of the world around me was now gone…

I was gone.

Xxx

The blinding light of the sun awoke me, causing me to take in the feeling of the splitting headache that had taken me over. As I attempted to rub my eyes I took notice of the sheer weight of my own limbs, currently feeling like my body was weighed down by something. I couldn't move without being taken over by tremors.

Where was I?

Slowly, I stumbled onto my feet, grabbing a hold of the large dumpster that took up part of the alleyway. Why was I in an alleyway?

As the bits and pieces of the night slowly made their way back to me, I did my best to walk, hand touching the brick wall that I walked with for support. I could taste the sour sickness of last nights vomit on my lips, most of which was now dried onto my shirt, and some finger shaped bruises had turned up on my arms where I had been carried, likely being dropped off in this very spot where I had woken up.

How long had I been here for?

I had run away from home and I couldn't remember if I was planning to go back or not, I didn't have my phone with me and carried only a small amount of money, enough to at least get a coffee or something else that might clear my head.

He had forced himself on me… like when I was a little kid… He didn't seem to understand my inexperience and went in too deep and set my gag reflex off, I had thrown up all over him.

Who was he, though? Who's house had I been at?

Slowly and with caution I made my way into a rundown gas station, ignoring the eyes that were on me and going into the bathroom. I had to pee, and I wanted to see how much damage had been done to me.

Reluctantly, I looked at myself, face paler than usual and eyes bloodshot and baggy… my skin looked almost gray. Taking off my shirt, I attempted to wash it in the sink, also taking soap and water to my face before drying as best as I could with the air drier.

I still looked like shit and I was confident that I still smelled like vomit, but it seemed at least a little better.

Drinking from the water tap for a moment, I collected the small amount of belongings that I had and went back into the gas station, making a black coffee and adding as much sugar as I could without it overflowing.

The man at the register eyed be with annoyance, taking my money and muttering something about fucking tweakers as I was walking out the door. I wondered how long he would let me sit outside before kicking me out, bringing myself down onto the concrete and leaning my head against the cold paneling of the building.

I didn't know how long I sat, still sipping at the less than pleasant tasting coffee as it gradually cooled, cold on my lips by the time someone came outside and told me to scram.

"What time is it?" I asked quietly, for once hoping that he would take pity on me.

"The sun is setting soon, kid… get the fuck out of here, you've been loitering all day. If you weren't a kid I'd call the cops."

Rubbing my eyes aggressively, I pulled myself up somewhat easier this time. Whatever was in my system was at least somewhat starting to leave it. I had snuck out of the house sometime around midnight, meaning that if the sun was setting I had to have been gone for close to twenty hours.

They knew I was gone by now, my family…

Were they looking for me?

Pulling out the pack of cigarettes that had somehow managed to survive my journey, I lit one, chain smoking as I walked through a small park, watching the vibrant colors of the setting sun take over the tops of the trees. It was cooler now than it had been when I woke up, but only just. Although my body shivered I believed it to be from whatever had been in my system as opposed to any sort of non existent chill that may be in the air.

I was still in a bad part of town, it was easy to see why the man at the gas station had believed me to be a druggie, and realistically if I were offered any sort of drugs right now I likely would have taken them. Anything to make me feel better than I did right now.

Kicking at discarded syringes, I crossed my arms to my chest, wondering what it was that made me too proud to just find a payphone and call someone to come get me.

They were all right about me, though. I was nothing but drama, if I called anyone and told them what happened the only thing it would do is prove that they're right. They could all have a good laugh about me.

Someone had taken me off of that train… had put something in my drink with the full intent of taking me to their place and having their way with me. My fate last night had been to be raped and by some miracle I had gotten away.

No, not a miracle… I had gotten away because I had disgusted them enough where they didn't do it. I was too broken to even be assaulted.

I didn't stop walking, paying little attention to where I was going. I already didn't know where I was in the first place so I suppose it didn't matter.

Oddly it seemed to take the setting sun to fill up the park, a reverse order of what one would normally see. Some of them were adults, possibly homeless, but most of them seemed to be around my age. School was out now, meaning that the teenagers would take over the night.

I was too far gone to even notice that they had begun following me, unable to take in the sounds of their giggles until one whistled in my direction, catcalling soon after.

"Yoo hoo," He laughed. "Faggy."

I ignored them as they continued trying to get my attention, walking at a faster pace which they easily caught up with.

"Faggy," Another called, "Come on, we just wanna talk."

"We thought you were a girl at first."

"An ugly girl."

"Are you a prostitute? Do you wanna suck my dick?"

My heart was beating rapidly, I wanted to run but was afraid that my balance was still too off, the last thing I needed now was to fall on my face while trying to distance myself from them.

"Do you think you're too good for us?" One of them called.

A hand struck me in the back, causing me to fall forward onto the concrete walkway onto my hands and knees, scuffing them harshly in the process.

"Just go away." I said without getting up or looking at them.

"But we wanna play, don't we, boys?"

One had grabbed me by the hair, pulling me up while another took my arms from behind my back. The position was uncomfortable and I felt like my shoulder was going to pop out of the socket.

I didn't have the strength to fight them as I felt a fist embed itself into my stomach, forcing me to gasp for breath unsuccessfully.

"Kids like you don't come out much around here." The larger of the boys who had me by the hair was breathing into my ear as he spoke. They couldn't have been much older than me, but I had never seen them before. "It's a nice little surprise to see you, we haven't had a round of smear the queer in awhile, you wanna play?"

They let go of me, realizing that I wasn't in any shape to run away. They had me right where they wanted me.

Stepping in front of me, the big one punched me hard in the face, knocking me onto the ground once more and causing blood to begin pooling up into my mouth, which I spit onto the ground while coughing.

Laughing harshly at my expense, they decided they had enough fun for one day, likely deciding to retreat before they were caught and leaving me to lay in a small puddle of my own blood.

For what felt like a long time, I didn't move, instead continuing to play dead in fear that they may decide to come back. I wasn't hurt badly, but if they knew that, they might be willing to give it another go.

This was the life I deserved.

After what felt like hours, I lifted my head carefully to look around. The blood on my face was drying and had caused me to stick somewhat to the grass, I had to peel myself off in order to get into a sitting position.

Very little surrounded me outside of the park and the busy street it connected to, the street lights now on, even though it still wasn't quite dark yet. The people and cars who walked by either didn't notice me, or didn't care.

I didn't blame them.

Getting up onto my shaking legs, I stepped forward, slowly making my way to the only savior I had.

A payphone.

Giving it the last of the money I had, I brought it to my ear and listened to the soft tone of the ringing, being picked up at what was likely one of the last moments to do so.

"Hello?"

The tears were coming now, my lungs quivering to hold in a sob as I spoke.

"Papa?" My voice broke when I spoke.

"Kai?" His voice held both relief and fear. "Thank fucking god, Kai, it's you… There's an officer at the house right now, the police are looking for you, where are you?"

He had called the police.

He had reported me missing.

Someone was looking for me…

"Can you come pick me up?" Everything that I had bottled up was coming out now as I cried into the phone. "I don't know where I am."

Through my tears I attempted as best I could to give him street names and land marks, eventually he put me on speaker phone so that I was able to explain my location to a police officer.

"I'm coming to get you." My father said. "Stay where you are. Just… please stay where you are."

It wasn't as though I had much of a choice.

I had nowhere else to go.

Xxx

I don't think my father even bothered to park legally, pulling onto the side of the rode and quickly getting out of the drivers seat before practically jumping on top of me. We ended up falling over slightly, both of us now on our knees and his arms around me tightly.

"I've been looking everywhere for you." He said, pulling me into him. "I woke up and you were gone…"

I was crying, but not from sadness. I was crying from my own shame.

I had always thought that I could make it fine on my own, but I had failed. I had been hung out to dry in less than 24 hours and I had the bumps and bruises to prove it.

"I wanna go home." I sobbed.

"Kai, you need to go to the hospital, you're hurt."

"I don't want to go back there." I had been to the hospital way too many times this year. "I just wanna go home… please."

A police officer had pulled up behind my fathers car, which he allowed me to sit in the passengers seat of alone while he spoke to. I didn't want to talk to the police, I didn't want to go to the hospital… I didn't want anyone to know what happened.

At the end of the day, I wasn't given a choice, even if my father seemed to feel guilty for not listening to me. I was given an ultimatum that if I agreed to go straight to the hospital that I wouldn't need to be taken by ambulance.

Say what you want about the amount of times I had been hospitalized, it still doesn't look as ridiculous as going via ambulance twice.

It was able to be determined fairly quickly that I wasn't going to need stitches and that I hadn't broken anything, even though I wish I hadn't looked in a mirror and seen just how beat up I was. I had a black eye and my lip was cut pretty badly, I think my teeth had sliced through it when I was punched in the face. It was also mentioned that it might take a few days for my nose to fully stop bleeding, which overall I guess wasn't that bad.

For awhile the doctors left, leaving me alone with my father who I wasn't currently able to look in the eye. I had fucked up… I had really fucked up.

"Are Riku and Hana at the house still?" I asked after a moment of silence. "I should apologize..."

"They're staying at her parents house for a bit."

I turned to face him, raising a confused eyebrow.

"Why?"

"Hana is just concerned for Riku… He's her only child, she can get protective of him at times but she'll come around."

My stomach dropped at his words and the realization of what they meant.

"She left because of me..." I said. "Didn't she..."

"It isn't something you need to worry about, we're adults working through adult problems, you're a child and it's my responsibility to make sure you're alright."

I had hated my father for replacing me, I had wanted him to feel the abandonment that he had forced me to feel, but now his wife and youngest child were gone and I knew it was my fault. Riku was a good kid and he didn't deserve any of this, he didn't deserve to be raised in a home that I broke.

"I'm sorry..." I mumbled.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, son, this is all my fault. I wasn't a good parent."

"I was being immature, I deserved to be punished for what I did, I shouldn't have run away."

"That's not what I mean, Kai." He stood up, eyes looking at me sadly as he approached me and touched a hand to my cheek. "When you were born, I remember feeling like it was the happiest day of my life, you had ten fingers and ten toes and a full head of hair, I remember telling your mother that I had never seen a more perfect little baby." I blushed slightly as he spoke, I didn't like being reminded that I was once only a baby. "As the years went by, I never stopped loving you… but I did stop loving myself, I didn't have the wealth that my father had, we didn't have a big house and there were nights where we would go to bed hungry so that you could eat. When my father offered to take you… It was like I had proven my failure as parent. But I should never have left you that night. I thought you would be better without me but I never even bothered to learn if that was true, everything you went through as a little boy, you went through because I allowed it to happen. I damaged you beyond repair and I thought I could come back and that everything would be the same as it was before. I lost your mother, I lost my daughter..." He pulled me into him. "I thought tonight that I was going to lose you too. I love Hana very much, but I have rights to Riku, legally she can't keep him from me and at the end of the day, it's my children who matter. You're my first born, you made me a father… I should have taken that role more seriously."

I allowed him to sit on the edge of the bed, arm wrapped around me until a new small group of people came into the room, a man and a woman who were dressed oddly formal.

"How are you feeling?" The woman asked, which seemed strange as I had never met her before.

"Who are you?"

"I'm a detective. I don't want you to fret, I'm just hear to ask you a few questions about what happened to you."

"I just got beat on by some guys, just a group of assholes, they didn't do much damage."

"I'm not talking about the boys who beat you up." She took a seat, although her colleague had decided to remain standing. "I'm talking about your toxicology report."

Although I remembered drinking, I didn't remember how I got into the bar or where exactly I was. I remembered being on the train, I remembered exiting it with someone… I remembered the house…

"I don't know how much I drank." I shrugged shamefully. "I guess it was a lot."

"Actually, there wasn't a large amount of alcohol in your system."

"What's this about?" My father asked, standing up and glaring slightly at them. "My son has had a rough night, I'd like to be able to get him home."

"I understand your concern." It was the man who spoke now, scratching at the back of his neck as he locked eyes with me before looking back us to my father. "But your son was found to have a rather high dose of rohypnol in his system." He was able to see our confusion. "Roofies, the date rape drug. We need to get as much information as we can about what went down that night."

I couldn't look at my father anymore tonight, I needed a break from the judgment that his eyes held when he saw me, from the sadness that would be prevented without me.

"I don't remember what happened." I mumbled, biting at my sore lip until I could feel it start to bleed. "Someone took me-" I looked around, suddenly realizing how many eyes were staring at me. "Can I talk to someone alone?" I asked.

My father seemed to understand what I was getting at, nodding at me and brushing a hand through my hair before willingly leaving the room.

"Are you more comfortable with your dad out of the room?" The woman asked.

"All I remember being in bed with someone… maybe an air mattress or something… He tried to make me..."

"He forced sexual activity."

"He forced my mouth open… I threw up on him and everyone freaked out. I think they dumped me outside somewhere."

"I know it's hard, but can you remember anything else?"

My memories weren't trustworthy… I couldn't picture the guys face, I could only picture Yasha forcing himself on me, trying to hush my crying while insisting everything was going to be okay and that he would try to finish quickly. He used to pretend to care… I used to believe him… now this was the life I lived because of him, taking it day by day while trying to figure out if he could have given me something that I could have for life.

Wait…

That was it.

"I told him that I had HIV." I said with a bit more confidence. "I think that was why he did it that way. I think his plan had backfired."

"You believe that his plan had been what?"

My hands shook slightly as I spoke and I clutched the covers of the hospital bed.

"I think his plan had been to rape me." I paused, why could I still not see his face? Why could I still only see Yasha? He had tried… I knew he had tried… I was screaming though, he had tried hitting me to shut me up but eventually he had accepted that I couldn't handle it. I was too small.

"Promise you'll save yourself for me..." He had told me, he had said it to me all the time at night when he held me as I drifted to sleep. He had groomed me for the entire two years I stayed there.

"He thought I was a virgin." I continued. "He wanted my virginity… he wanted to take it by force, I think it might have been a fetish or something."

"How do you know that?"

"I'm not sure..."

"Do you remember what he looked like?"

"No..."

"Can you remember if you knew him? Do you think you would have gone home with a stranger?"

"I already told you everything I know..." I wanted to go home. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

A doctor had come back into the room, why were there so many fucking people in here? I felt like a freak show.

"How are you feeling, Kai?" He asked.

"I feel like I want everyone to stop asking me that..."

The male detective nodded, acting like he was the only one who actually heard me.

"I only have one more question and then we'll leave you be." He stated. "But in order to fully understand the situation, I'd like to know why it was that you told your attacker than you were HIV positive? You had a lot in your system at that point and yet you seemed well off enough to make an excuse up to halt his attack."

"Because I am." I said. "I mean, I probably am."

It was the doctor who appeared confused now, flipping through the papers that he held.

"Kai, your records show that you've already been tested for STD's." He explained. "Those tests all came back negative."

"Excuse me?"

"You don't have HIV."

An intense and sudden sense of relief washed over me like a giant wave, taking with it all of the anxiety that had been building up for the past 48 hours. I hadn't tested positive… Yasha hadn't given me anything.

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yes, I'm absolutely sure. Had you not run away you would have gotten a phone call confirming this status. Of all things considered, you should count yourself extremely lucky."

For what felt like a long time, I said nothing. In a way it felt like there was nothing to say. I finally had the answer I had been terrified to hear.

Taking notice of my spaciness, the doctor called my father back into the room, speaking to him rather quietly for a moment before finally saying the words that I had been hoping for…

"You're free to go home."

xxx

Laying in bed that night, a soreness had begun overtaking my eyes, forcing them open as I lay unable to fall asleep. The house was quiet without Riku… We hadn't really eaten dinner, my father instead allowing me to pick at junk food in front of the television. I'm not sure if it was out of pity or if it was out of not knowing how to function without a house wife. I suppose it could have been a little of both, but it didn't truly matter.

I just wanted to sleep.

Getting up, I allowed a memory to overtake my mind, a gentle warmth filling me as I recalled the feeling of waking up from a bad dream.

I had only been little at the time, likely no older than four or five.

In what felt like a trance, I followed the steps of my memory through the hallway of the house that suddenly seemed too big for just the two of us.

I didn't have a mother anymore, but it hadn't stopped the feeling of comfort that currently filled me as I remembered walking into her and my fathers room that night, just like I walked into my fathers now.

She had awoke to my cries, but even if I had been silent it wouldn't have mattered… she still would have pulled me into bed with them, wrapping her arms around me without even needing to open her eyes.

Now as I, at almost sixteen years old, crawled into bed with my father like a small child, her arms were only a memory.

But it didn't stop my father from turning over, now holding onto me tightly, not letting me go as I finally drifted off to sleep.

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