It didn't take Buffy as long as she feared to reach the motel. Traffic
was light at 10pm on a Wednesday night. As much as she was speeding, she
was surprised she didn't get pulled over. That wouldn't have been of the
good. She didn't have a license and they certainly wouldn't just let her
go. She'd have to beat up a cop...all in all, not a pretty prospect.
Because nothing was keeping her from finding Spike. There was something
seriously wrong with him, and all the possible scenarios that played in her
head boiled down to one fact; he needed her. She wasn't going to let him
down.
When she rolled into the parking lot, it didn't take her long to spot his bike. She found herself a little scared approaching the door. She sincerely hoped that the bad luck that came with loving vampires wasn't rearing its ugly head again. She knocked softly on the door. When she got no answer, she knocked louder. "Spike? You in there?"
She heard a click, then the door opened a crack. Buffy opened the door slowly to find Spike resuming his seat on the bed, his head in his hands. She took a quick look around the room before entering and closing the door behind her.
"Spike," she said cautiously. "What's going on?"
He shook his head. "Mistake. I think it was a mistake. I thought you would love me, but now...no one could love me. Evil...'s all I am."
Buffy knelt in front of him and pulled gently on his hands. He looked up at her, tears in his eyes. "Spike, what's this all about? What happened?"
Spike gave a rueful chuckle. "You. You're what happened. Never would have done this before. All for you. For your love. Wanted it more than blood, I did. Never can have it. Don't deserve it."
Buffy reached up and caressed his sharp cheekbone with her thumb, catching a tear as it fell. "Spike...I *do* love you. I realized that not long before you left, but I was scared. Scared to tell you, scared to admit it to myself. But I'm not scared anymore. I love you."
Spike drew back from her touch and groaned. "Owwww..I thought...dammit. Thought I called her. I know this dream. We can cut to the shagging, but I'd rather just wake up and call her for real. She'll come, I hope..."
Buffy frowned and sat next to him on the bed. She took his hand. "Spike, look at me." He turned a bit toward her, but wouldn't meet her gaze. She put a finger under his chin and lifted his face. He still averted his eyes. "Spike, this isn't a dream. You did call me. I'm really here. And I do love you." He finally looked at her, a new wave of tears in his too blue eyes. She couldn't help but get misty herself, seeing his mixed look of confusion and love.
Spike grabbed her for a tight hug. "Oh, Buffy. Oh, God. Do you mean it? Really?"
Buffy pulled back from his embrace just a little. "Yes, I mean it. I love you."
Spike frowned. "But, how did you know? Who told? Him? The wanker? No, he didn't tell." He moved his arms to her shoulders and shook her harshly. "Who told you? Them? Did they tell you? How do you know?"
Buffy pushed him off, scooting away. "What? Who told me what about what?"
"What else? My soul? The reason you love me now. The only possible way you could."
Buffy was dumbfounded. "Your soul? What? You don't mean..." She reached out a hand to his face, but he just slid back further on the bed to avoid her touch. "Spike? You have a...soul now?"
Spike scowled. "Well, yeah, you silly bint. You know I do."
Buffy could only stare at a spot on the bed for a moment before speaking. Her mind was racing too fast. She shook her head before asking, "How would I know about...this? And...when? Is this why you left? Where did you go?"
Spike shook his head at the questions and got off the bed. He started pacing. "Of course you knew. You love me now. Because I have a soul. Don't see how you can though...'m just no good..."
Buffy stood up and grabbed him. "Spike, you have to just stop for a second. You have to tell me everything that happened. I'm completely in the dark, ok? Now I love you. I didn't know about your soul until one minute ago. So one doesn't have anything to do with the other."
Spike straightened up and gave her a curious look. "Not possible. I heard you...killer's what I am. You were right. Can't love an evil soulless thing like me."
Buffy frowned. "You heard me?" She wracked her brain two months back. "Oh...with Giles. You heard me talking to Giles?" Spike nodded. Something in the back of Buffy's mind was clicking together. "So you heard that and decided to, what..go get a soul?" It came out more incredulously than she meant it, but Spike just nodded to this too. "Ok, so...how...how did you get it."
Spike shook his head. "Doesn't matter now. Nothing matters, except you. You're here now. I need you, luv. Please...kill me."
Buffy took a step back. At almost the same time that she realized she was enraged, she had punched him so hard that he flew back onto the bed. He just stared at her for a moment dumbfounded. Then a pained look came on his face and he curled into a tight ball, groaning. "NO! You wanker...go away. I can do it..no.."
Buffy stood watching him in amazement. She wanted to go to him, but something kept her back. Fear. She was afraid of him. Not him, but what was happening to him. After a moment of groaning, he started breathing heavily. He looked slightly less volatile. Buffy finally decided to try and comfort him. She sat beside him, still curled into himself. She started caressing his head, smoothing down the wild curls. He whimpered a bit and looked up at her. He smiled, then a panicked look hit his face. He jumped up from the bed and backed away until he fell into a chair.
"Sorry, so sorry. Not proper, simply not proper. Good heavens, what would Mother think, finding me in a place like this, sitting on a bed with a lady. It's his fault, but I doubt anyone would believe me. It's quite a compromising position to be in, and I'd hate to sully your name. You know how rumors can start and spread. Vicious lies, all." He shook his head.
Buffy frowned. "Spike?"
He stiffened and scoffed. "Yes, quite the vulgarian name, is it not? He certainly knows how to make a reputation..."
Something struck Buffy and she took a shot. "William?"
His face lit up at the word. He smiled and gave her a shy nod. "He was quite accurate. You *are* an amazing woman. We've never been properly introduced, but still you knew me. I see why he fights for you so. Too bad the poor fellow's got himself in something of a tight spot here."
Buffy shook her head, resigning herself to talking to 'William' and trying to figure out what went on. "What kind of tight spot?"
William nodded and crossed his legs at the knee, leaning forward conspiratorially. "Well, it seems that your dear Spike has, shall we say, seen the error of his ways. 'Ways' meaning a century of atrocious behavior the likes of which I can't even imagine. Unfortunately, a memory sneaks in here and there, and I can tell you in no uncertain terms that it would not be fit to describe in front of a lady such as yourself." He stopped and seemed to be thinking about something. His face soured and he shook it away. "Anyway, the reason we called you here...as he told you, we would like you to...um, how can I put this delicately...show us mercy, perhaps? I can attest that the small amounts of his memories that I am privy to are quite enough to drive any sane man mad. I can't even imagine what he..The fact of the matter is, we're requesting that you, put us out of our misery, as it were. And I can tell you honestly, it *is* misery. More for him, I can assure you."
Buffy stood up. "I'm not killing him. Or you...or either one of you. Look, obviously something has happened here that has...split him, or you, or whatever. I'm not going to kill anyone tonight. I want to help...you guys, if I can."
William leaned back in his chair. "Oh dear...this only leaves us with the other option. I'm rather...well, I'm not one that is prone to violence or death or destruction...any of that unsavory business. But he is. As much as I hate relinquishing control to him, I'm afraid he's the only one with the wherewithal to do this."
Buffy shook her head. "And I'm not letting that happen either. Spike...*you* are coming home with me."
William shook his head and stood up. "I'm afraid that's not an option. You must understand, you'd be doing us a great disservice to let us carry on this way. He...he hasn't known real guilt in more than a hundred years. Plenty of time to do far more damage than one conscience could reasonably hold without losing a grip on reality. As you have already assessed, his mind has split, allowing me to be talking to you. I'm afraid that this would be the mildest of his consequences. No one could possibly carry on with this amount of blood on their hands."
Buffy chuckled darkly. "I know someone in LA who would disagree with you."
"Regardless..."
"No."
William hung his head and buried his face in his hands. He never saw the nightstand hit him.
As Buffy carried him slung over her shoulder to her car, she gave a glance at his bike. She decided there were more important things than worrying about his precious motorcycle. Like worrying about his precious sanity. As she sped towards Sunnydale, Buffy shook her head. Spike had sought out a soul for her. To win the love that he didn't know he already had. As undeniably thrilled she was that he would do such a thing, she couldn't help but wonder if her hesitance to say 3 little words had cost him his mind.
**
TBC
When she rolled into the parking lot, it didn't take her long to spot his bike. She found herself a little scared approaching the door. She sincerely hoped that the bad luck that came with loving vampires wasn't rearing its ugly head again. She knocked softly on the door. When she got no answer, she knocked louder. "Spike? You in there?"
She heard a click, then the door opened a crack. Buffy opened the door slowly to find Spike resuming his seat on the bed, his head in his hands. She took a quick look around the room before entering and closing the door behind her.
"Spike," she said cautiously. "What's going on?"
He shook his head. "Mistake. I think it was a mistake. I thought you would love me, but now...no one could love me. Evil...'s all I am."
Buffy knelt in front of him and pulled gently on his hands. He looked up at her, tears in his eyes. "Spike, what's this all about? What happened?"
Spike gave a rueful chuckle. "You. You're what happened. Never would have done this before. All for you. For your love. Wanted it more than blood, I did. Never can have it. Don't deserve it."
Buffy reached up and caressed his sharp cheekbone with her thumb, catching a tear as it fell. "Spike...I *do* love you. I realized that not long before you left, but I was scared. Scared to tell you, scared to admit it to myself. But I'm not scared anymore. I love you."
Spike drew back from her touch and groaned. "Owwww..I thought...dammit. Thought I called her. I know this dream. We can cut to the shagging, but I'd rather just wake up and call her for real. She'll come, I hope..."
Buffy frowned and sat next to him on the bed. She took his hand. "Spike, look at me." He turned a bit toward her, but wouldn't meet her gaze. She put a finger under his chin and lifted his face. He still averted his eyes. "Spike, this isn't a dream. You did call me. I'm really here. And I do love you." He finally looked at her, a new wave of tears in his too blue eyes. She couldn't help but get misty herself, seeing his mixed look of confusion and love.
Spike grabbed her for a tight hug. "Oh, Buffy. Oh, God. Do you mean it? Really?"
Buffy pulled back from his embrace just a little. "Yes, I mean it. I love you."
Spike frowned. "But, how did you know? Who told? Him? The wanker? No, he didn't tell." He moved his arms to her shoulders and shook her harshly. "Who told you? Them? Did they tell you? How do you know?"
Buffy pushed him off, scooting away. "What? Who told me what about what?"
"What else? My soul? The reason you love me now. The only possible way you could."
Buffy was dumbfounded. "Your soul? What? You don't mean..." She reached out a hand to his face, but he just slid back further on the bed to avoid her touch. "Spike? You have a...soul now?"
Spike scowled. "Well, yeah, you silly bint. You know I do."
Buffy could only stare at a spot on the bed for a moment before speaking. Her mind was racing too fast. She shook her head before asking, "How would I know about...this? And...when? Is this why you left? Where did you go?"
Spike shook his head at the questions and got off the bed. He started pacing. "Of course you knew. You love me now. Because I have a soul. Don't see how you can though...'m just no good..."
Buffy stood up and grabbed him. "Spike, you have to just stop for a second. You have to tell me everything that happened. I'm completely in the dark, ok? Now I love you. I didn't know about your soul until one minute ago. So one doesn't have anything to do with the other."
Spike straightened up and gave her a curious look. "Not possible. I heard you...killer's what I am. You were right. Can't love an evil soulless thing like me."
Buffy frowned. "You heard me?" She wracked her brain two months back. "Oh...with Giles. You heard me talking to Giles?" Spike nodded. Something in the back of Buffy's mind was clicking together. "So you heard that and decided to, what..go get a soul?" It came out more incredulously than she meant it, but Spike just nodded to this too. "Ok, so...how...how did you get it."
Spike shook his head. "Doesn't matter now. Nothing matters, except you. You're here now. I need you, luv. Please...kill me."
Buffy took a step back. At almost the same time that she realized she was enraged, she had punched him so hard that he flew back onto the bed. He just stared at her for a moment dumbfounded. Then a pained look came on his face and he curled into a tight ball, groaning. "NO! You wanker...go away. I can do it..no.."
Buffy stood watching him in amazement. She wanted to go to him, but something kept her back. Fear. She was afraid of him. Not him, but what was happening to him. After a moment of groaning, he started breathing heavily. He looked slightly less volatile. Buffy finally decided to try and comfort him. She sat beside him, still curled into himself. She started caressing his head, smoothing down the wild curls. He whimpered a bit and looked up at her. He smiled, then a panicked look hit his face. He jumped up from the bed and backed away until he fell into a chair.
"Sorry, so sorry. Not proper, simply not proper. Good heavens, what would Mother think, finding me in a place like this, sitting on a bed with a lady. It's his fault, but I doubt anyone would believe me. It's quite a compromising position to be in, and I'd hate to sully your name. You know how rumors can start and spread. Vicious lies, all." He shook his head.
Buffy frowned. "Spike?"
He stiffened and scoffed. "Yes, quite the vulgarian name, is it not? He certainly knows how to make a reputation..."
Something struck Buffy and she took a shot. "William?"
His face lit up at the word. He smiled and gave her a shy nod. "He was quite accurate. You *are* an amazing woman. We've never been properly introduced, but still you knew me. I see why he fights for you so. Too bad the poor fellow's got himself in something of a tight spot here."
Buffy shook her head, resigning herself to talking to 'William' and trying to figure out what went on. "What kind of tight spot?"
William nodded and crossed his legs at the knee, leaning forward conspiratorially. "Well, it seems that your dear Spike has, shall we say, seen the error of his ways. 'Ways' meaning a century of atrocious behavior the likes of which I can't even imagine. Unfortunately, a memory sneaks in here and there, and I can tell you in no uncertain terms that it would not be fit to describe in front of a lady such as yourself." He stopped and seemed to be thinking about something. His face soured and he shook it away. "Anyway, the reason we called you here...as he told you, we would like you to...um, how can I put this delicately...show us mercy, perhaps? I can attest that the small amounts of his memories that I am privy to are quite enough to drive any sane man mad. I can't even imagine what he..The fact of the matter is, we're requesting that you, put us out of our misery, as it were. And I can tell you honestly, it *is* misery. More for him, I can assure you."
Buffy stood up. "I'm not killing him. Or you...or either one of you. Look, obviously something has happened here that has...split him, or you, or whatever. I'm not going to kill anyone tonight. I want to help...you guys, if I can."
William leaned back in his chair. "Oh dear...this only leaves us with the other option. I'm rather...well, I'm not one that is prone to violence or death or destruction...any of that unsavory business. But he is. As much as I hate relinquishing control to him, I'm afraid he's the only one with the wherewithal to do this."
Buffy shook her head. "And I'm not letting that happen either. Spike...*you* are coming home with me."
William shook his head and stood up. "I'm afraid that's not an option. You must understand, you'd be doing us a great disservice to let us carry on this way. He...he hasn't known real guilt in more than a hundred years. Plenty of time to do far more damage than one conscience could reasonably hold without losing a grip on reality. As you have already assessed, his mind has split, allowing me to be talking to you. I'm afraid that this would be the mildest of his consequences. No one could possibly carry on with this amount of blood on their hands."
Buffy chuckled darkly. "I know someone in LA who would disagree with you."
"Regardless..."
"No."
William hung his head and buried his face in his hands. He never saw the nightstand hit him.
As Buffy carried him slung over her shoulder to her car, she gave a glance at his bike. She decided there were more important things than worrying about his precious motorcycle. Like worrying about his precious sanity. As she sped towards Sunnydale, Buffy shook her head. Spike had sought out a soul for her. To win the love that he didn't know he already had. As undeniably thrilled she was that he would do such a thing, she couldn't help but wonder if her hesitance to say 3 little words had cost him his mind.
**
TBC