Being a vampire, a little knock on the head by a nightstand wasn't about to
keep Spike out for long. Buffy's only question was who would she be talking
with when he woke up. As she drove, she found herself watching him about
as much as she watched the road. She noticed how gaunt he looked. His
normally tight black t-shirt was baggy. She chastised herself for not
bringing blood for him. But Spike wasn't the only one not in their right
mind at the time of the call. He also looked paler, if that were possible.
His hair had grown out a bit, some of his darker roots showing. It was
wild and curlier than she was used to. By the look of him, he hadn't spent
much of his time away on upkeep. That didn't matter to Buffy, but it just
raised more questions. Where had he been? What did he go through? Would he
ever be the same?
About an hour into the drive, Spike did come to. He jerked awake like someone had poured cold water on him. He looked around frantically for a moment while Buffy tried to soothe him with soft words and caresses on his arm. He looked at her hand on his arm with wide eyes, then looked at her. For a moment there was no recognition, but that quickly passed. He seemed to calm down a bit. He sat back in the seat mutely. After a few long minutes, he half whispered, "Where are we going?"
"Home," Buffy responded softly.
Spike frowned, though didn't look at her. "Why didn't you.....ya know....."
Buffy clenched her jaw and pulled the car to the shoulder. Her hand tightened on the gear shift as she put it in park. She took a deep breath before turning to him. He half turned to look at her. "Look, this is the one and only time I want to have this conversation with you. I will not kill you. You've obviously been through something very traumatic and I'm going to do everything in my power to help you. But I won't do that. You wouldn't kill me as much as I wanted it, and I'm going to tell you the same thing you told me: You're a coward. Things are going on here that you are too scared to deal with. That are too much to deal with. You think I don't know at least a little of that feeling? But, Spike, you were there for me. You got me through it. I'm going to do the same for you. I understand now the anger you felt toward me for suggesting you take my life. I'm so mad at you that I *could* kill you if I didn't want to not kill you." At this, Spike raised a confused eyebrow. Buffy shook her head. "Ok, whatever, that's not my point. My point is," her voice softened and she put her hand on his, "together we are strong enough to get through this, ok? And knowing you as well as I do, I'm really surprised that there is anything in this world that you would back down from. Especially if it meant leaving me alone."
Spike hung his head and said quietly, "You don't really know me. You can't. I didn't even know myself until......this happened."
Buffy took his face in her hands and made him meet her gaze. "You know what? I believe that. And I want to know you. I want to know the things you've discovered about yourself."
Spike's eyes got wide and he jerked away from her. "God, Buffy, you really don't. I don't even want to know these things.....things I knew all along, but just didn't care about. I won't do that to you, Buffy. I love you too much to make you go through this hell with me. It's why I wanted you to kill me. Why I *still* want you to kill me. Please, Buffy, you don't understand--" A finger on his lips cut him off.
Buffy looked at him, trying to hide the rage she felt rising again. "See my previous rant, Spike. Not going to happen, and that's the last time I'm going to tell you."
Spike sunk back in the seat and turned from her, looking like a chastised child.
"And Spike? I'm not going to let you hurt yourself either. Even if I have to tie you up. Which, hey, kind of appealing." She looked at him for a reaction, but he wasn't amused. Buffy wondered if she would ever see him smile again.
They drove the rest of the way in relative silence. There was so much Buffy wanted to say to him, but she knew it was best to wait. Wait until they were home. Wait until he had some blood in him. Wait until they both had some rest. Buffy could wait. She had waited 2 months to see him, she could wait a few hours to find out what kept him.
Spike seemed to be off in his mind somewhere. Every now and then he would shake his head and mumble something to himself. Once, Buffy saw a single tear falling down his sallow cheek. Spike saw she noticed and he quickly turned in his seat away from her. He laid the seat back as far as it would go and curled up in a ball, his back to Buffy. Occasionally he groaned, and Buffy would put her hand on his back, trying to give whatever comfort he would allow. He didn't pull away from her, but he didn't open up for more.
When they arrived at the house, Spike got out of the car wordlessly. He walked up to the porch and waited for Buffy to unlock the door. As she was doing just that, he got a strange look on his face and looked up at the night sky. "How many hours til dawn, you figure? One? Maybe two? I can usually sense it. Haven't been quite myself lately, though."
Buffy shook her head. "Oh, no you don't. I can see I *will* have to restrain you today." Spike frowned. She held the door open. "Come on." He grudgingly walked in.
"You want something to eat? I think you might have some blood left in the freezer. Not sure if it goes bad after 2 months. That being the 2 months that you were gone. From me. 2 *whole* months and I got one call from you the entire time."
Spike nodded. "Sorry 'bout that, luv."
Buffy laughed, but it was a sound without humor. "You're sorry for leaving me for two months, but not sorry for wanting to leave me for good? That's insane troll logic, or something."
Spike sighed and shrugged. "Sorry for a lot of things....."
Buffy walked to him, putting her hand on his face. "I know, Spike. I know you are. And we're going to work through this. Trust me, if I can whip Angel into shape, you should be a piece of cake!" She joked, trying to get a little smile out of him. He just frowned.
"Do *not* compare me to Peaches."
"Why not? You're both vampires with souls....."
"Yeah, but unlike him, I went and got mine. Didn't have to get cursed with it....."
"Right. You got it for me. The same me you don't have a problem with leaving."
Spike sighed again and walked to the living room. Buffy followed. As he plopped down on the couch, he started groaning. Buffy was bracing herself for a visit from William, but Spike just leaned back and ran his hands through his hair. "Luv, you actually believe I would leave you alone if there were any other option? I'm not a soddin' coward. I just.....I'm goin' crazy here, pet. I won't put you through that. At least not any more than I already have. I should have just done it myself. But I had to see you one last time. Then I thought maybe you could do it......it was stupid. I shouldn't have asked you. I'm not too scared to do it myself, I'm really not."
"So you think I'm some weak woman who can't handle a little adversity? Hi, faced more apocolypes than I thought possible. Also, there is that little detail of being in heaven and yanked back to my grave, from which I had to crawl out. Then facing dibilitating, suicidal depression that was only remedied by the love of a vampire. So yeah, I know a thing or two about hard times. And like I said, if Angel can overcome the evil that he did and find sanity on the other side, I have complete faith in you, Spike. I mean, Angelus......pretty much as bad as it gets. So I'm going to keep you safe, from yourself if need be, and we'll get through this. And when it's all said and done, I'll have my very own broody vampire to keep me room temperature at night."
"I do not brood! I just......got a lot on my mind right now."
"I know. And that's what I'm here for. What? I'm good enough to have sex with, but when it really comes down to tough situations, the trust is gone?"
Spike's eyes got wide. "What? No! Of course not. Luv, I trust you with everything I have, I just......I'm a little.....afraid. That I *won't* get through this with my sanity. Then you'll feel obliged to take care of some raving lunatic vampire. Or maybe I *do* get through this intact, but by then you won't want anything to do with me because of......everything. Not sure which is worse. And of course, the myriad of possibilities between those two options."
"Yeah, like the most probable one: You make it through ok, maybe a little worse for the wear, and I love you even more than before because I can see all your strength and determination. I'll see that you faced your worst fears to be with me. I'll see that when you've said you'd do anything for me, you meant it. Spike, if you can't do this for yourself, do it for me."
Spike slumped over, his head on his knees. "Dirty trick."
"I know. I'm a dirty girl." Spike raised his head and an eyebrow to that, the small beginnings of a grin on his face.
Buffy blustered, "I, uh, I didn't mean *that.* I mean, as in dirty tricks....I'm a dirty trick girl....oh wait, that sounds even worse......" This made Spike give a full fledged grin. Buffy felt her heart skip a beat. It had been so long since she had seen Spike smile at her. Even better, a little cocky grin. This was her Spike, but she wasn't sure how long she'd have him.
**
TBC R&R please!
About an hour into the drive, Spike did come to. He jerked awake like someone had poured cold water on him. He looked around frantically for a moment while Buffy tried to soothe him with soft words and caresses on his arm. He looked at her hand on his arm with wide eyes, then looked at her. For a moment there was no recognition, but that quickly passed. He seemed to calm down a bit. He sat back in the seat mutely. After a few long minutes, he half whispered, "Where are we going?"
"Home," Buffy responded softly.
Spike frowned, though didn't look at her. "Why didn't you.....ya know....."
Buffy clenched her jaw and pulled the car to the shoulder. Her hand tightened on the gear shift as she put it in park. She took a deep breath before turning to him. He half turned to look at her. "Look, this is the one and only time I want to have this conversation with you. I will not kill you. You've obviously been through something very traumatic and I'm going to do everything in my power to help you. But I won't do that. You wouldn't kill me as much as I wanted it, and I'm going to tell you the same thing you told me: You're a coward. Things are going on here that you are too scared to deal with. That are too much to deal with. You think I don't know at least a little of that feeling? But, Spike, you were there for me. You got me through it. I'm going to do the same for you. I understand now the anger you felt toward me for suggesting you take my life. I'm so mad at you that I *could* kill you if I didn't want to not kill you." At this, Spike raised a confused eyebrow. Buffy shook her head. "Ok, whatever, that's not my point. My point is," her voice softened and she put her hand on his, "together we are strong enough to get through this, ok? And knowing you as well as I do, I'm really surprised that there is anything in this world that you would back down from. Especially if it meant leaving me alone."
Spike hung his head and said quietly, "You don't really know me. You can't. I didn't even know myself until......this happened."
Buffy took his face in her hands and made him meet her gaze. "You know what? I believe that. And I want to know you. I want to know the things you've discovered about yourself."
Spike's eyes got wide and he jerked away from her. "God, Buffy, you really don't. I don't even want to know these things.....things I knew all along, but just didn't care about. I won't do that to you, Buffy. I love you too much to make you go through this hell with me. It's why I wanted you to kill me. Why I *still* want you to kill me. Please, Buffy, you don't understand--" A finger on his lips cut him off.
Buffy looked at him, trying to hide the rage she felt rising again. "See my previous rant, Spike. Not going to happen, and that's the last time I'm going to tell you."
Spike sunk back in the seat and turned from her, looking like a chastised child.
"And Spike? I'm not going to let you hurt yourself either. Even if I have to tie you up. Which, hey, kind of appealing." She looked at him for a reaction, but he wasn't amused. Buffy wondered if she would ever see him smile again.
They drove the rest of the way in relative silence. There was so much Buffy wanted to say to him, but she knew it was best to wait. Wait until they were home. Wait until he had some blood in him. Wait until they both had some rest. Buffy could wait. She had waited 2 months to see him, she could wait a few hours to find out what kept him.
Spike seemed to be off in his mind somewhere. Every now and then he would shake his head and mumble something to himself. Once, Buffy saw a single tear falling down his sallow cheek. Spike saw she noticed and he quickly turned in his seat away from her. He laid the seat back as far as it would go and curled up in a ball, his back to Buffy. Occasionally he groaned, and Buffy would put her hand on his back, trying to give whatever comfort he would allow. He didn't pull away from her, but he didn't open up for more.
When they arrived at the house, Spike got out of the car wordlessly. He walked up to the porch and waited for Buffy to unlock the door. As she was doing just that, he got a strange look on his face and looked up at the night sky. "How many hours til dawn, you figure? One? Maybe two? I can usually sense it. Haven't been quite myself lately, though."
Buffy shook her head. "Oh, no you don't. I can see I *will* have to restrain you today." Spike frowned. She held the door open. "Come on." He grudgingly walked in.
"You want something to eat? I think you might have some blood left in the freezer. Not sure if it goes bad after 2 months. That being the 2 months that you were gone. From me. 2 *whole* months and I got one call from you the entire time."
Spike nodded. "Sorry 'bout that, luv."
Buffy laughed, but it was a sound without humor. "You're sorry for leaving me for two months, but not sorry for wanting to leave me for good? That's insane troll logic, or something."
Spike sighed and shrugged. "Sorry for a lot of things....."
Buffy walked to him, putting her hand on his face. "I know, Spike. I know you are. And we're going to work through this. Trust me, if I can whip Angel into shape, you should be a piece of cake!" She joked, trying to get a little smile out of him. He just frowned.
"Do *not* compare me to Peaches."
"Why not? You're both vampires with souls....."
"Yeah, but unlike him, I went and got mine. Didn't have to get cursed with it....."
"Right. You got it for me. The same me you don't have a problem with leaving."
Spike sighed again and walked to the living room. Buffy followed. As he plopped down on the couch, he started groaning. Buffy was bracing herself for a visit from William, but Spike just leaned back and ran his hands through his hair. "Luv, you actually believe I would leave you alone if there were any other option? I'm not a soddin' coward. I just.....I'm goin' crazy here, pet. I won't put you through that. At least not any more than I already have. I should have just done it myself. But I had to see you one last time. Then I thought maybe you could do it......it was stupid. I shouldn't have asked you. I'm not too scared to do it myself, I'm really not."
"So you think I'm some weak woman who can't handle a little adversity? Hi, faced more apocolypes than I thought possible. Also, there is that little detail of being in heaven and yanked back to my grave, from which I had to crawl out. Then facing dibilitating, suicidal depression that was only remedied by the love of a vampire. So yeah, I know a thing or two about hard times. And like I said, if Angel can overcome the evil that he did and find sanity on the other side, I have complete faith in you, Spike. I mean, Angelus......pretty much as bad as it gets. So I'm going to keep you safe, from yourself if need be, and we'll get through this. And when it's all said and done, I'll have my very own broody vampire to keep me room temperature at night."
"I do not brood! I just......got a lot on my mind right now."
"I know. And that's what I'm here for. What? I'm good enough to have sex with, but when it really comes down to tough situations, the trust is gone?"
Spike's eyes got wide. "What? No! Of course not. Luv, I trust you with everything I have, I just......I'm a little.....afraid. That I *won't* get through this with my sanity. Then you'll feel obliged to take care of some raving lunatic vampire. Or maybe I *do* get through this intact, but by then you won't want anything to do with me because of......everything. Not sure which is worse. And of course, the myriad of possibilities between those two options."
"Yeah, like the most probable one: You make it through ok, maybe a little worse for the wear, and I love you even more than before because I can see all your strength and determination. I'll see that you faced your worst fears to be with me. I'll see that when you've said you'd do anything for me, you meant it. Spike, if you can't do this for yourself, do it for me."
Spike slumped over, his head on his knees. "Dirty trick."
"I know. I'm a dirty girl." Spike raised his head and an eyebrow to that, the small beginnings of a grin on his face.
Buffy blustered, "I, uh, I didn't mean *that.* I mean, as in dirty tricks....I'm a dirty trick girl....oh wait, that sounds even worse......" This made Spike give a full fledged grin. Buffy felt her heart skip a beat. It had been so long since she had seen Spike smile at her. Even better, a little cocky grin. This was her Spike, but she wasn't sure how long she'd have him.
**
TBC R&R please!