Ok, just a little note of defense for my mate, Cellar Dweller, who got
banned for posting the little note about hazel meaning brown. Rules are
rules, no problem there. But someone seemed to take great offense at him
trying to be helpful and got a bit nasty. This 'Jaded' did not take the
post in the spirit it was meant and also simply got her facts wrong. My
hubby was merely pointing out that this is a common mistake people make,
saying that Buffy has hazel eyes when in fact her eyes are green. People
even have said Spike has hazel eyes, and of course he has blue eyes. He
had to learn colors in art school and also the dictionary backs him up that
it means brown. 'Jaded' got a bit huffy stating that it means both brown
and green, with no basis for her claim. Neither Cellar Dweller nor I have a
problem admitting if we're wrong, but so far we've had no evidence to the
contrary. I, personally, didn't know what hazel meant until he told me, so
even I was surprised. Anyway, enough on that, if anyone cares to disagree,
feel free to mail either one of us arco.art@verizon.net Now onto m' story:
**
Spike looked up at the clock on the wall. "Maybe you should get to bed, luv. Been a long night."
Buffy nodded. "You want something to eat before we sleep?"
Spike shook his head. "No, I'm fine. And not really tired, myself. Maybe I'll just stay down here and watch the telly."
Buffy frowned. "You're not coming to bed with me?......Oh.....well, I'm not tired either. I'll watch tv with you."
Spike gave her a half smile. "Buffy, I'm not going to do anything."
"Promise?"
Spike thought for a moment. "I can promise you that right now I won't do anything. Sorry that I can't give you more than that. Seems I'm not always in control....."
"Maybe all the reason to come to bed. I can keep an eye on you, sorta, while I sleep......"
Spike shook his head again. "Seems when I wake up, it's not usually.....me. At least I never remember waking up....."
"It's ok, Spike. William.....he seems like a nice guy." Buffy gave him a big grin before saying, "Wouldn't mind waking up with him. Rather have you, of course, but he seems......sweet."
"Yeah, gives me a toothache listening to him prattle on about......stuff."
"Look, the point is, I'm not leaving you alone, and I actually do happen to be very tired. So we have two options here. I can make a pot of coffee and stay up watching the morning news with you, or we can go to bed and deal with whatever happens when we wake up then, with clearer heads."
"Yeah, *you* might have a clearer head......"
Spike grumbled a bit more, but followed Buffy to her room. He'd have to be crazy, or rather crazier, to turn down an invitation to her bed. As she pulled out some chains from under the bed, his mouth hung open a bit. "Uh, luv, not really up for bondage games.....should probably rest, ya know......And why in the hell do you have chains under your bed and how come I never knew it?"
Buffy giggled. "It was a surprise for when you got back. I was going to chain you up so you could never leave me again." She shrugged, saying, "Guess it's what I'm doing now, but not really in the same context. Come here," she commanded.
Spike shook his head slightly before slipping off his shoes. He climbed onto her bed and laid down. "How do you, uh, want me?"
Buffy threaded the chains through the headboard frame. "Look, I know these can't hold you if you really want to go, but I'm hoping I'll at least wake up if you're trying to get away." She took each hand and placed a manacle on it, locking it with a small key.
"Pet, if I'm in any way in control of myself, it won't be an issue, ok? You've damned well guilt tripped me into facing this thing head on."
Buffy smiled. "Good!" She leaned over to give him a kiss, but he pulled away as her lips met his. She pulled back from him, a confused look on her face.
"Look, pet, I, uh......it's been a while and I really can't.....I don't know, I just get really confused sometimes. Always dreamin' about you.....it's.....confusing. I think maybe.....maybe I need some adjusting time. Just a little. To get used to being around the real you....cuz sometimes in my dreams, things aren't always very nice between us, and I don't want to get it all turned around in my head with you......sometimes I hurt you.....sometimes you hurt me. And sometimes it's not always a dream.....I just.....God, I'm sorry, pet. This is what I meant.....didn't want you to deal with this." Spike turned from her as best he could in his restraints.
Buffy just slid away from him, giving him space. "It's ok, Spike. You take all the time you need. I won't push, I promise."
Spike turned to her again. He shook his head. "I've done a lot of self reflection lately, and I can say with complete certainty that I did nothing to deserve someone like you.....I just hope you can put up with me as well as you think you can."
Buffy smiled. "Gee, if I can put up with the evil Spike who tried to kill me and my friends a ton of times, I think I can deal with a souled Spike who loves me."
Spike frowned. "Uh, yeah.....I should probably.....apologize....to the Scoobies."
Buffy shrugged. "You can if you want. But since it wasn't really *you* who did those things, do you really need to apologize? You were an evil vampire, we were the white hats. Just how things go. But you've changed. And I can't explain it, but you changed long before you got a soul. Anyway, I don't think the gang will hold anything against you. They haven't really for a while now, I think."
Spike brightened up a bit. "So, you think I can get a clean slate or something? I don't mean just with your friends, but maybe......with it all."
Buffy looked down at her bedspread. "Spike, I'm sorry to say, I don't think it will be that easy. I think it's going to take a lot of hard, painful work to get through this. And it's probably a lifelong trip, if Angel is any indication."
"No, I know I'll always have the guilt. I just mean.....maybe they will leave me alone. Maybe if I can show them that I'm not him.....I don't know."
"They? Who are 'they'?"
"All of them. The people I killed and.....everything. They're in my head most of the time. Always when I dream, it's them. Sometimes you. 'S when we end up hurting each other. Sometimes it gets too much. They get too loud.....that's when he comes. He doesn't hear them, I think. And then it's kind of like I'm him, so I don't hear them either. Well, some get through. He hates me for that. Then that makes me wonder if I wouldn't rather just be secondary in my own mind just so *they* will be less. But I don't like being held back, so I come out when I'm a little rested. God.....this must all sound.....I can't. I can't put you through this. Don't want you to see how crazy I am." Spike struggled at his chains a bit, until Buffy put her hands on his face and stilled him.
"Spike, we're all crazy. You're just in an.....upswing right now. Together we'll get it all under control. And don't ask me how, because I don't really have all the answers. I just have faith in us. And I'm asking you to do the same."
Spike gave her a slightly pained smile. "I have faith in you....."
Buffy smiled. "Good enough for now. Let's get some sleep, ok?"
Spike nodded and tried to get comfortable. Buffy repositioned the pillow under his head and gave him one last caress on the face before settling herself beside him, not bothering to change clothes. She made sure to give him plenty of space and hoped he wouldn't keep her at a distance for too long.
**
TBC R&R!
**
Spike looked up at the clock on the wall. "Maybe you should get to bed, luv. Been a long night."
Buffy nodded. "You want something to eat before we sleep?"
Spike shook his head. "No, I'm fine. And not really tired, myself. Maybe I'll just stay down here and watch the telly."
Buffy frowned. "You're not coming to bed with me?......Oh.....well, I'm not tired either. I'll watch tv with you."
Spike gave her a half smile. "Buffy, I'm not going to do anything."
"Promise?"
Spike thought for a moment. "I can promise you that right now I won't do anything. Sorry that I can't give you more than that. Seems I'm not always in control....."
"Maybe all the reason to come to bed. I can keep an eye on you, sorta, while I sleep......"
Spike shook his head again. "Seems when I wake up, it's not usually.....me. At least I never remember waking up....."
"It's ok, Spike. William.....he seems like a nice guy." Buffy gave him a big grin before saying, "Wouldn't mind waking up with him. Rather have you, of course, but he seems......sweet."
"Yeah, gives me a toothache listening to him prattle on about......stuff."
"Look, the point is, I'm not leaving you alone, and I actually do happen to be very tired. So we have two options here. I can make a pot of coffee and stay up watching the morning news with you, or we can go to bed and deal with whatever happens when we wake up then, with clearer heads."
"Yeah, *you* might have a clearer head......"
Spike grumbled a bit more, but followed Buffy to her room. He'd have to be crazy, or rather crazier, to turn down an invitation to her bed. As she pulled out some chains from under the bed, his mouth hung open a bit. "Uh, luv, not really up for bondage games.....should probably rest, ya know......And why in the hell do you have chains under your bed and how come I never knew it?"
Buffy giggled. "It was a surprise for when you got back. I was going to chain you up so you could never leave me again." She shrugged, saying, "Guess it's what I'm doing now, but not really in the same context. Come here," she commanded.
Spike shook his head slightly before slipping off his shoes. He climbed onto her bed and laid down. "How do you, uh, want me?"
Buffy threaded the chains through the headboard frame. "Look, I know these can't hold you if you really want to go, but I'm hoping I'll at least wake up if you're trying to get away." She took each hand and placed a manacle on it, locking it with a small key.
"Pet, if I'm in any way in control of myself, it won't be an issue, ok? You've damned well guilt tripped me into facing this thing head on."
Buffy smiled. "Good!" She leaned over to give him a kiss, but he pulled away as her lips met his. She pulled back from him, a confused look on her face.
"Look, pet, I, uh......it's been a while and I really can't.....I don't know, I just get really confused sometimes. Always dreamin' about you.....it's.....confusing. I think maybe.....maybe I need some adjusting time. Just a little. To get used to being around the real you....cuz sometimes in my dreams, things aren't always very nice between us, and I don't want to get it all turned around in my head with you......sometimes I hurt you.....sometimes you hurt me. And sometimes it's not always a dream.....I just.....God, I'm sorry, pet. This is what I meant.....didn't want you to deal with this." Spike turned from her as best he could in his restraints.
Buffy just slid away from him, giving him space. "It's ok, Spike. You take all the time you need. I won't push, I promise."
Spike turned to her again. He shook his head. "I've done a lot of self reflection lately, and I can say with complete certainty that I did nothing to deserve someone like you.....I just hope you can put up with me as well as you think you can."
Buffy smiled. "Gee, if I can put up with the evil Spike who tried to kill me and my friends a ton of times, I think I can deal with a souled Spike who loves me."
Spike frowned. "Uh, yeah.....I should probably.....apologize....to the Scoobies."
Buffy shrugged. "You can if you want. But since it wasn't really *you* who did those things, do you really need to apologize? You were an evil vampire, we were the white hats. Just how things go. But you've changed. And I can't explain it, but you changed long before you got a soul. Anyway, I don't think the gang will hold anything against you. They haven't really for a while now, I think."
Spike brightened up a bit. "So, you think I can get a clean slate or something? I don't mean just with your friends, but maybe......with it all."
Buffy looked down at her bedspread. "Spike, I'm sorry to say, I don't think it will be that easy. I think it's going to take a lot of hard, painful work to get through this. And it's probably a lifelong trip, if Angel is any indication."
"No, I know I'll always have the guilt. I just mean.....maybe they will leave me alone. Maybe if I can show them that I'm not him.....I don't know."
"They? Who are 'they'?"
"All of them. The people I killed and.....everything. They're in my head most of the time. Always when I dream, it's them. Sometimes you. 'S when we end up hurting each other. Sometimes it gets too much. They get too loud.....that's when he comes. He doesn't hear them, I think. And then it's kind of like I'm him, so I don't hear them either. Well, some get through. He hates me for that. Then that makes me wonder if I wouldn't rather just be secondary in my own mind just so *they* will be less. But I don't like being held back, so I come out when I'm a little rested. God.....this must all sound.....I can't. I can't put you through this. Don't want you to see how crazy I am." Spike struggled at his chains a bit, until Buffy put her hands on his face and stilled him.
"Spike, we're all crazy. You're just in an.....upswing right now. Together we'll get it all under control. And don't ask me how, because I don't really have all the answers. I just have faith in us. And I'm asking you to do the same."
Spike gave her a slightly pained smile. "I have faith in you....."
Buffy smiled. "Good enough for now. Let's get some sleep, ok?"
Spike nodded and tried to get comfortable. Buffy repositioned the pillow under his head and gave him one last caress on the face before settling herself beside him, not bothering to change clothes. She made sure to give him plenty of space and hoped he wouldn't keep her at a distance for too long.
**
TBC R&R!