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(Quick warning) I mentioned this in the summary, but in case I confused anyone, this is Zell x Squall. I don't know if that bothers anyone at all, but I know I'd read... let's see, a Ken x Aya Weiss Kruez fic if I had to pay the author in my own lifeblood first, but I'd read a badly-written Bible orgy fic before I'd read Aya x Ken. Some people just feel really strongly about their positioning in pairings. Not that I'm trying to scare off readers or anything... ^^; I just don't want to disappoint anybody.
WARNING- MAD SYMBOLISM AHEAD!
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The sunlight glittered off the ocean spray that danced in the wind, nearly blinding him as he gazed into the distance, searching for the dark shape of the ferry. It must have just left when they had arrived... It must have been a half hour they'd been waiting by now.
Squall leaned against the rotting signpost, sighing heavily. It frustrated him to wait... It always had. Even as a child, the minute he had to be patient, his fingers would start twitching, he would struggle for something to do, anything to do... To be doing absolutely nothing seemed like such a waste of time. So he slept, or he trained, or he went to the library and read. At least it was moderately useful.
But here... there was nothing to do. He didn't even have to be on guard, there hadn't been roving monsters here since probably before the dawn of time.
So he merely stared into the distance, listening to the rhythmic swishing of Zell's fists through the air as he boxed in place, the soft exhalations of exertion that began to huff from his throat as he went on in his practicing... The concentration that twisted his brow, his lips moving silently in some form of keeping time with himself, the slow trickle of sweat down his temple and cheek, muscles flexing in his calves as he bounced off the unyielding, hard-packed dirt, the few blades of grass he hadn't pounded down in his motion trailing over the sides of his ratty sneakers... Strong shoulders raised in the defensive posture he knew so well by now, arms exploding forward into the minimal resistance of the air with such force...
Squall realized how raptly he had been watching the blond only after Zell had noticed his attention and frozen in place, turning to face him with a sheepish grin, gloved hand scratching at the back of his head in embarassment. he explained, obviously embarassed.
He blinked, then shook his head silently. No, it's fine, he said quietly. I was just... I was just thinking, that's all.
Zell cocked his head, bright eyes focusing on his for an unnervingly long time. Squall shifted restlessly, nervously, then abruptly broke his gaze, shoving his gloved hands into jacket pockets and stalking over the the waterside. The waves lapped at his boots playfully, and he drew back with an unconscious shiver, scuffing his heels over the rough sand.
He didn't know just why the sudden sight of him like that had been so surprising. He'd seen Zell train like that nearly every day for so long now... He nearly knew the motions by heart. But... he'd never taken the time to really watch... There had always been more important things to do. Battles to fight, orders to give. Missions to complete.
And how many times had he fought beside Zell...? So many skirmishes, so many times, so many different places, and yet he'd never really noticed... He'd never really seen how Irvine aimed his rifle. He'd never really seen Zell's punches and drop kicks land.
He'd never noticed... he'd never noticed that he closed his eyes right before he punched. He'd never noticed how he rocked back on his heels right after his feet touched the ground again. He'd never noticed the smoothness of his motions, the deadly grace of a martial artist...
He'd never really noticed anything.
Squall firmly ignored the guilt that gnawed at him, the uncomfortable lump in his throat, the awful feeling that he had done something not repairable. Or at least he tried... He clenched his fingers into tight fists in his pockets, every muscle in his body tensing painfully, shoulders rising stiffly, eyes staring deep into the little waves, the murky depths of the ocean.
Damn this vacation. He never would have thought about this. Never, not on his own, not when he had things to do and missions to occupy his mind, and no prompting for the sick loneliness to eat away at him, heart cold in his thin breast, uncaring and unknowing, never missing... Never missing...
Hey, Squall? The warm voice was soft, concerned, and Squall kicked viciously at the sand. Damn him, of course he would notice. Of course he would, he always noticed everything. Everything, dammit! Where he could so acutely feel his separation from everything around him, the emptiness surrounding him, the cold void of refusing to depend on anyone, refusing to let anyone depend on him, refusing to let anyone do anything at all for him... Zell... Zell wasn't like him. Zell touched people. He let himself get involved, he was a part of everything, and somehow he did it without getting hurt-! It wasn't fair, it just wasn't fair, and he hated him for it. He hated him because he couldn't help but let him in. He hated him because he liked him so much. He was always there, and he wanted him to be there, and he wanted to let him inside his walls and let him close and not be hurt, have everything everyone else did and not be hurt by it like he had always been before...
When he didn't answer, Squall felt hands settle onto his shoulders. He flinched, but... for the ache that gnawed at him, to satisfy it, if only once... he didn't draw away.
Squall... hey, what's wrong, baby? Zell pulled him around to face him, the eyes that focused on him as warm and affectionate as his voice was. The slight ledge of grass that dropped off just above the small shoreline had elevated the blond a few inches, and for only the second time, Squall found himself blinking up at Zell. The first time, of course, he had just been tortured into unconsciousness... so this was certainly a new perspective.
The noon sun nearly haloed him, setting his golden hair afire and shading his face to the point the black tatoo was nearly invisible. The light had the effect of rendering his expression invisible, and Squall almost squinted, desperate to see the look in his eyes, frantic to see how he was looking at him, wanting so badly to understand...
But to understand just what, he wasn't certain.
Squall trailed off, at a lack as to how to explain his demeanor. He wasn't even sure what was wrong, let alone how to explain it... So he merely peered up at him, nearly plaintive, shadowed by the radiant light that surrounded him, feeling the cold that much more. The wind picked up by the waterside, and he shivered, ducking his head into the top of his jacket. It helped only for a short time, but the rushing breeze made its invasive way beneath the fibers of his clothing, prickling at his skin, chilling him to the bone.
And then, almost blindly, he took a step forward, lifting his face and pressing his forehead into the fabric of Zell's shirt, the fabric warmed by the sun that shone on him. The hands were still resting on his shoulders tightened, in reflex, in surprise, but not unkindly, not painfully... and then moved to pull him close.
With a soft rustle of moving grass, the gentle tumbling of earth from the shelf above, Zell slid down to the shore beside him, arms tightening firmly around his back. Squall started, but meekly allowed the blond to tug him into a strong embrace.
But it's colder down here...? he managed to whisper, reflexively nuzzling into his heat, heart fluttering wildly. It didn't make any sense that Zell would come down to the chill, to the shadow he had stood in for what seemed like forever... not when he had the bright, grassy knoll all to himself-!
It'll be warmer if you let the sun down here with you, Zell said softly, one gloved hand petting his hair with a fond gentleness. 'Sides, I don't wanna be warm if you're cold. We can share this way. Might even be warmer.
Squall said nothing, something in the back of his mind scrabbling desperately for the meaning that sang behind all this. And yet, all he did was lean against Zell's strong shoulder, closing his eyes.
And they stood in the sun together.