An hour later, the food arrived. She secretly hoped the smell would make
its way to Spike. Maybe it would draw him out of hiding. As she pulled
out some plates and utensils from the kitchen, she heard the basement door
open slowly. 'Worked like a charm,' Buffy smiled to herself. She turned to
look at him. He looked terrible. His knuckles were covered in dried
blood, his hair was mussed, and his face looked like he had been crying for
hours. 'Which he probably had,' Buffy mused. She took a deep breath. "Moo
Shu?" She held up one of the containers.
He shook his head slightly. He was looking intently at the floor as he ran a hand through his hair and said quietly, "I know why you did it. I don't care. I still think it was wrong. And I'm still.....I'm going to be....not talking to you for a while. And I'm going to sleep in the basement. I'll shackle myself up, if it makes you feel safer, but I can't really be around you too much."
Buffy sighed. "I don't think running away is the answer here. And it's not really your style."
He finally looked at her, all the hatred gone from his eyes, leaving only the pain. "Not running. Protecting. Both of us. Don't know what else you have planned for me, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to like it."
Buffy moved closer to him, but stopped when she saw him stiffen at her advance. "Spike, you've been back, what.....a day? Two days? I think it was my mistake pushing this on you so quickly. But I still think this is the right way."
Spike shrugged. "Per usual, we disagree."
Buffy closed her eyes tightly for a moment. "Ok, Spike, what is *your* solution to all of this?"
"To sit in the basement, away from you, and think."
"Think about what? Are you going to be thinking of a way to fix all this, or are you going to be brooding over your past? Because I don't think that's going to be helpful."
Spike's face went cold. "Oh, but isn't that what you want me to do? Isn't that why you threw it all in my face? So I could 'confront' it all? Well, let me tell you, luv, I confront it every waking moment."
Buffy shook her head. "No, you *think* about it and sulk about it, but you don't confront it."
"What the hell do *you* know about it? One day. One day I've been back and you're an expert now?"
"No, but I can guess..."
"Oh, don't even start with that. Just because Angel bemoaned his bloody lot in unlife to you doesn't mean I'm anything like him. He got his soul put on him. I chose this."
Buffy's eyebrows shot up. "Oh, you *chose* this did you? So you knew what was going to happen? How you were going to feel? How you were going to want me to kill you? Seems like a pretty roundabout way of doing things if you just wanted me to stake you in the first place."
"Don't be flip. This isn't a joke. Of course I didn't know.....how bad it would get. I expected some guilt. I expected remorse. I was even prepared to start being nice to people. I just....." Spike shook his head and sighed.
"Well, for your sake, I'm glad the whole 'being nice to people' bit didn't happen. God forbid you be nice to people who are trying to help you! Especially someone who loves you.....I'd really hate for you to have to be put out with being nice."
Spike's jaw clenched. "I.....am done with this conversation. For both of our sakes, let's just stop right now. Before we end up saying *more* things we're going to regret."
Buffy closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She knew he was right. They were both lashing out in anger. "Fine. Let's just.....sleep on it. Giles is staying at Xander's, and I was kind of hoping we could talk this out. But obviously that's not going to happen."
Spike's voice was soft, quiet. "I just don't want to fight anymore, luv. 'm fighting enough with myself, don't need it from you too. Please."
"I *said* it's fine." Buffy mentally chastised herself for sounding more harsh than she intended. "Are you sure you want to stay in the basement? I mean, I understand, but I was just hoping....." She let the invitation hang between them.
"I just really need some time alone, pet."
"But you've been alone this whole time. I finally got you back and you want to be alone?" Obviously she didn't understand, and she wasn't going to pretend she did anymore.
"That alone.....was a whole different thing. *That* alone brought me to the conclusion of getting you to kill me. *This* alone is for thinking. About everything. And I promise, no more thoughts punctuated by a stake, ok? Don't wanna die. Not really. Not since I'm back with you. But.....I just gotta figure out how to live."
"And I have no place in those thoughts?" Buffy pouted a bit.
Spike sighed and couldn't help but smile a bit. "Of course you do, pet. You're basically the reason I want to live. But I also know you muddle my head sometimes. Can't think clearly around you. Never could. Just a bit of time, luv. I'll work it all out on my own."
"So you want us to stop researching? You think you can fix the whole William/Spike thing?"
Spike shrugged. "Don't know. But you lot keep looking, if you want. Couldn't hurt. Only if you want to. Don't want to be a bother. Especially when I know you're the only one who really gives a rat's ass if I get set to rights or not."
"That's not true. They all want you to get back to normal. Well, maybe not Xander....."
"Look, just go with me on this, luv. I've always managed to figure my way out of tight spots. Don't want you worrying unnecessarily on it, ok? You just go about your life like normal. I'll be downstairs if you really need me, but otherwise I'll just.....stay clear, ok? I'll get my blood and take a shower, but mostly just stay down there. You.....distract me. And not in a bad way, just in a way that doesn't let me get much thinkin' done, due to all the blood that flows away from m' brain to other parts of my body." He gave her a little grin.
Buffy couldn't help but give him a small smile back. "What about the whole 'William' thing? What will you do if he comes out?"
"Not so much an 'if' as a 'when'. But I'll deal with it all. Just knowing you're so close will help me. Even if I can't get too close to you."
Buffy bit her lip. "I'm just really worried, Spike."
Spike nodded. "I know. I wish I could put you at ease, but I just don't know how to do that. I can only tell you that it'll all get straightened out in the long run. Somehow....."
Buffy took a deep breath. "If you say so. Look, why don't you take some food down? I got your favorite." She held up a plate of Chinese for his perusal.
"I can probably handle that," he smiled, taking the plate from her.
"So.....any idea how long this whole banishment will be?"
Spike rolled his eyes at 'banishment.' "Not really, luv. Might take a long while. You gonna be ok with that?"
Buffy shrugged. "Don't really have a choice, do I?"
"Thanks, pet."
"Spike.....I wish there were more I could do."
"I know, Buffy. But there's not, so no need in worrying about it, is there?"
"Oh, I'm gonna worry. Big time."
Spike gave her a half smile. "I know. And odd as it sounds, that's the reason I'm still here. Because I knew there was someone that worried about me. It's a good feeling." Buffy smiled and nodded. Spike turned to go back to the basement. As he opened the door, he looked back at Buffy. "And if you let any of my mess distract you while you're patrolling, I'll bite you. Soul be damned." His mouth quirked in a smile. "Which, come to think of it, it probably already is....."
Buffy frowned. "Spike....." Spike winked at her before closing the door. "Yeah," she said to herself. "It is a good feeling....."
**
TBC R&R!
He shook his head slightly. He was looking intently at the floor as he ran a hand through his hair and said quietly, "I know why you did it. I don't care. I still think it was wrong. And I'm still.....I'm going to be....not talking to you for a while. And I'm going to sleep in the basement. I'll shackle myself up, if it makes you feel safer, but I can't really be around you too much."
Buffy sighed. "I don't think running away is the answer here. And it's not really your style."
He finally looked at her, all the hatred gone from his eyes, leaving only the pain. "Not running. Protecting. Both of us. Don't know what else you have planned for me, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to like it."
Buffy moved closer to him, but stopped when she saw him stiffen at her advance. "Spike, you've been back, what.....a day? Two days? I think it was my mistake pushing this on you so quickly. But I still think this is the right way."
Spike shrugged. "Per usual, we disagree."
Buffy closed her eyes tightly for a moment. "Ok, Spike, what is *your* solution to all of this?"
"To sit in the basement, away from you, and think."
"Think about what? Are you going to be thinking of a way to fix all this, or are you going to be brooding over your past? Because I don't think that's going to be helpful."
Spike's face went cold. "Oh, but isn't that what you want me to do? Isn't that why you threw it all in my face? So I could 'confront' it all? Well, let me tell you, luv, I confront it every waking moment."
Buffy shook her head. "No, you *think* about it and sulk about it, but you don't confront it."
"What the hell do *you* know about it? One day. One day I've been back and you're an expert now?"
"No, but I can guess..."
"Oh, don't even start with that. Just because Angel bemoaned his bloody lot in unlife to you doesn't mean I'm anything like him. He got his soul put on him. I chose this."
Buffy's eyebrows shot up. "Oh, you *chose* this did you? So you knew what was going to happen? How you were going to feel? How you were going to want me to kill you? Seems like a pretty roundabout way of doing things if you just wanted me to stake you in the first place."
"Don't be flip. This isn't a joke. Of course I didn't know.....how bad it would get. I expected some guilt. I expected remorse. I was even prepared to start being nice to people. I just....." Spike shook his head and sighed.
"Well, for your sake, I'm glad the whole 'being nice to people' bit didn't happen. God forbid you be nice to people who are trying to help you! Especially someone who loves you.....I'd really hate for you to have to be put out with being nice."
Spike's jaw clenched. "I.....am done with this conversation. For both of our sakes, let's just stop right now. Before we end up saying *more* things we're going to regret."
Buffy closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She knew he was right. They were both lashing out in anger. "Fine. Let's just.....sleep on it. Giles is staying at Xander's, and I was kind of hoping we could talk this out. But obviously that's not going to happen."
Spike's voice was soft, quiet. "I just don't want to fight anymore, luv. 'm fighting enough with myself, don't need it from you too. Please."
"I *said* it's fine." Buffy mentally chastised herself for sounding more harsh than she intended. "Are you sure you want to stay in the basement? I mean, I understand, but I was just hoping....." She let the invitation hang between them.
"I just really need some time alone, pet."
"But you've been alone this whole time. I finally got you back and you want to be alone?" Obviously she didn't understand, and she wasn't going to pretend she did anymore.
"That alone.....was a whole different thing. *That* alone brought me to the conclusion of getting you to kill me. *This* alone is for thinking. About everything. And I promise, no more thoughts punctuated by a stake, ok? Don't wanna die. Not really. Not since I'm back with you. But.....I just gotta figure out how to live."
"And I have no place in those thoughts?" Buffy pouted a bit.
Spike sighed and couldn't help but smile a bit. "Of course you do, pet. You're basically the reason I want to live. But I also know you muddle my head sometimes. Can't think clearly around you. Never could. Just a bit of time, luv. I'll work it all out on my own."
"So you want us to stop researching? You think you can fix the whole William/Spike thing?"
Spike shrugged. "Don't know. But you lot keep looking, if you want. Couldn't hurt. Only if you want to. Don't want to be a bother. Especially when I know you're the only one who really gives a rat's ass if I get set to rights or not."
"That's not true. They all want you to get back to normal. Well, maybe not Xander....."
"Look, just go with me on this, luv. I've always managed to figure my way out of tight spots. Don't want you worrying unnecessarily on it, ok? You just go about your life like normal. I'll be downstairs if you really need me, but otherwise I'll just.....stay clear, ok? I'll get my blood and take a shower, but mostly just stay down there. You.....distract me. And not in a bad way, just in a way that doesn't let me get much thinkin' done, due to all the blood that flows away from m' brain to other parts of my body." He gave her a little grin.
Buffy couldn't help but give him a small smile back. "What about the whole 'William' thing? What will you do if he comes out?"
"Not so much an 'if' as a 'when'. But I'll deal with it all. Just knowing you're so close will help me. Even if I can't get too close to you."
Buffy bit her lip. "I'm just really worried, Spike."
Spike nodded. "I know. I wish I could put you at ease, but I just don't know how to do that. I can only tell you that it'll all get straightened out in the long run. Somehow....."
Buffy took a deep breath. "If you say so. Look, why don't you take some food down? I got your favorite." She held up a plate of Chinese for his perusal.
"I can probably handle that," he smiled, taking the plate from her.
"So.....any idea how long this whole banishment will be?"
Spike rolled his eyes at 'banishment.' "Not really, luv. Might take a long while. You gonna be ok with that?"
Buffy shrugged. "Don't really have a choice, do I?"
"Thanks, pet."
"Spike.....I wish there were more I could do."
"I know, Buffy. But there's not, so no need in worrying about it, is there?"
"Oh, I'm gonna worry. Big time."
Spike gave her a half smile. "I know. And odd as it sounds, that's the reason I'm still here. Because I knew there was someone that worried about me. It's a good feeling." Buffy smiled and nodded. Spike turned to go back to the basement. As he opened the door, he looked back at Buffy. "And if you let any of my mess distract you while you're patrolling, I'll bite you. Soul be damned." His mouth quirked in a smile. "Which, come to think of it, it probably already is....."
Buffy frowned. "Spike....." Spike winked at her before closing the door. "Yeah," she said to herself. "It is a good feeling....."
**
TBC R&R!