My apologies for anyone still meandering down this road of Spuffy with me.
I had to get 4 wisdom teeth pulled last week, so I was not much in the
writing mode. RL sucks sometimes! But I've hopefully remedied that with an
extra long chappy!
**
Buffy picked at her food for a few minutes, going over everything in her head. She knew Spike needed her help, even if he didn't think so. He was there in her time of need, and she wasn't going to abandon him. Even if that's what he said he wanted. The thought of him sitting down in the basement crying, hurting, brooding...it was more than she could bear. This was Spike. Her Big Bad. The persona and ego he built to cover up his William side was so valuable to him. But she needed him to know that she loved all of him--his tough, snarky, fighting, shagging, cursing side, as well as his soft, poetic, beautiful, so fragile side.
It was this thought that drove her to the most desperate, yet most obvious option. She picked up the phone and dialed the familiar digits. "Hey. It's Buffy. I need your help. Can you come tonight?"
**
After a few hours, Spike came up to bring his dishes and get Summer some water. He also heated himself up a cup of blood. He peeked in on Buffy who seemed to be sleeping on the couch. He fought the urge to carry her up to her bed. To tuck her in. To kiss her goodnight. To cover her with his body and make love to her all night. He ached for her, but he knew it wasn't right. Too many things going on inside and outside his head to devote his full attention to her. And he wasn't about to be with her if he couldn't fully *be* with her. And, if he were to admit the truth, he was still hurting from her attack. He could rationalize it away, knowing what she was thinking. But hearing those words coming from her, encouraging Willow...it just fed the little voice that had always existed in his head since his human days. The voice that told him that loving women would always hurt him in the end. Cecily, his mum, Drusilla...the only women he ever loved and they had all torn out parts of his heart. He refused to believe it was possible with Buffy, not after all they had gone through together. But her actions tonight had pushed more buttons than she had intended.
He shook the dark thoughts from his head. She wasn't trying to hurt him. She was trying to help him. Even if her methods were poor, her heart was in the right place. She loved him and she wouldn't intentionally make things worse. He spared her another long look before returning to the basement. He had a lot of work to do if he was going to make himself whole again. He hadn't the foggiest clue how to get there, but he wasn't going to waste time. Not when he had her waiting for him.
**
Buffy woke to light knocking on the front door. She sat up and looked at the clock. She smiled. He had made good time. She tried to shake the sleep from her head as she made her way to the door. She opened it and threw herself into his arms. "Thank you," was all she said.
After filling him in on the basics, Buffy made her way to the basement. She took a deep breath before opening the door. "Spike? Can you come up here, please?"
He appeared at the bottom of the steps. He tilted his head as he looked at her questioningly. "What is it, Slayer? Something wrong?"
She swallowed hard. "Can you just come up?" As he nodded slightly and started slowly up the stairs, she added, "Look, I...I did something you're not going to like. Well, *another* something you're not going to like. But it's really the most obvious thing, if you think about it. And...well..."
Spike's eyes narrowed as he reached the top of the steps. He took a deep breath and muttered, "Peaches."
Buffy moved from the doorway as he glared coldly at her. She shut the door behind him, as if he might bolt back down.
"Hello, Spike. I hear you've got yourself a problem," Angel said quietly.
Spike's gaze never left Buffy. "You know what, pet? I'd be expecting a call from Captain Cardboard, if I were you. Army's probably real interested in recruiting you. Your ambush techniques are second to none, 'f you ask me."
Buffy had to break the look, his cold eyes too much for her. "Spike, will you please just talk with him? He's the only other person in the whole world who has a vague clue as to what you're going through. I just thought..."
"Well, how about you stop thinking, huh? Isn't that what I'm supposed to be doing? You don't need to trouble yourself, especially when your thinking leads to.....this," he gestured at Angel.
"Look, I had no idea this was about you, Spike. I probably wouldn't have come if she'd explained it all to me." Angel gave a pointed look at Buffy.
Buffy looked down. "Which is why I didn't tell either one of you.....you're both so stubborn." She sighed. "Am I the only one who sees the sense in this? Angel, vampire with soul. Spike, vampire with new soul. Spike, you're having troubles. Angel, you've worked through most of yours. Just thought it would help."
Angel chuckled bitterly. "Haven't worked through half of mine, Buffy. How do you expect me to help him? Especially when he doesn't want any help. And especially when I can smell him all over you. Were you ever going to bother telling me that part? Not that it takes much to guess....."
"Hey! Should I tell her who *I* smell all over *you*? She's not your bint to get jealous over anymore, Angel."
Buffy frowned. "Who does he smell like?"
Spike glared at her. "Does it matter?"
Buffy dropped her head. "No, just curious."
Spike shook his head. "Look, so we're all in agreement that nobody wants this?" As Buffy opened her mouth to protest, he said, "Good," before heading back to the basement.
"Hey!" Buffy yelled, stopping Spike in his tracks. He turned to her. She looked from one vamp to the other. "If either of you ever felt anything for me, you'll do this. Just half an hour, please. Angel, please, just......some pointers, anything. Spike, please, just listen. I know you hate him, but he might have something to say that will help you." She moved closer to Spike, spoke quietly to him, even though she knew Angel could hear her. "I know you're mad at me. Hate me probably. But I know you love me too. Know you'd do anything for me. All I'm asking is half an hour. Not too much, is it?"
Spike's face softened at her entreaties. "Half hour with him? More than you think." His gaze left hers in mock thought. "I think maybe I'll keep a tally. Then once this is all over with, you'll owe me." He gave her a suggestive smirk that she hadn't seen in a while. She couldn't resist the urge to reach up on her tip toes and brush her lips against his for a moment. He didn't pull away from her, which she took as a very good sign. Angel's throat clearing brought her back to the moment. Spike smiled at Buffy. "You don't play fair."
She gave him a big smile in return. "I know. Now, you guys go to the living room. I'll bring in some blood and you guys can just talk. I'll stay or go, whatever you want."
Both men shook their heads in resignation, but followed her orders. Angel took a lounge chair, Spike flung himself down on the couch across from Angel. They sat in silence until Buffy brought them each a mug of blood.
"Well?" Buffy asked.
Spike quirked an eyebrow. "Well, what?"
"Why aren't you guys talking? I mean, that was the whole point, and--"
Angel put up his hand to silence her. "I guess neither one of us is sure exactly what you're going for here, Buffy."
Buffy shrugged. "I don't know. Spike, tell him how you're feeling. Angel, tell him what to expect."
Spike nodded and looked at Angel. "Feelin' shitty."
"Expect more of it," Angel confirmed blankly.
"Brilliant! I feel better. Thanks, luv. Bloody catharsis, it was." Spike rose to leave. Buffy's aggravated look made him sit back down.
"Look, Angel, I told you that Spike has a split personality--"
"--Hey! My personal information, here!" Spike blustered.
Buffy ignored him and continued. "He acts like he did when he was human when the guilt and memories get to be too much."
Angel nodded, seemingly intrigued. "What triggers the memories? The guilt?"
"Uh, bein' awake, ya nit," Spike spat.
Buffy glared at Spike again. "It seems like it just builds up sometimes. Then, it becomes too much and Spike retreats and his 'William' persona takes over."
"I'm not really sure what I can do. I didn't have that happen to me," Angel said honestly.
"I know, but maybe for after.....after we get all that fixed. He's still going to need.....help."
Spike shook his head, but wasn't about to speak after Buffy's many aggravated looks.
Angel shrugged. "He's got people around him. He's got you. He's got a lot of what I didn't have when I had just gotten my soul. I mean, I had people around me, but.....they weren't exactly encouraging me to be good," Angel tossed a look at Spike.
"Hey, was a soulless vampire then, can't really be expected to be your soddin' cheerleader, can I?" Spike shook his head and stood. "'M goin' for a smoke. Pet, you can fill me in on all his words of wisdom."
"Spike," Buffy called after him, but his hand in the air was the only response she got.
She started after him until Angel's voice stopped her. "Let him go. This isn't easy for him. Especially now that he's a lot of what he hated in me. Then to top it off, you bring me here to help him. Spike's always had his pride. Well.....not when it came to women, but that's a whole other story.....Look, the thing is.....he's got people. People who care. I retreated into myself after I got my soul. Didn't want to be a part of the world. Didn't have any use for people since they couldn't be food anymore. Til I met you. You brought me out of a hundred years of.....whatever I was in. He'll have you right off the bat. And not that I'm so thrilled about that, mind you.....but I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone. Even Spike. Just.....treat him like a man. Like a person. Not like a thing. And don't let him retreat. Don't let him sit in that basement sulking. Because, no matter what he says, he'll become a thing. A guilt-ridden demon who's pulled inside himself. This whole split personality thing.....I can't figure if it's part of himself trying to pull inside, or part of himself that wants to be a person fighting to get out. Or both."
Buffy nodded solemnly. "I just don't know how to do all that stuff. He's pulling away, like you said. But he won't let me near. The only time I can get close is when 'William' is around. And that's.....a little odd sometimes. And as much as I like him too, he's not my Spike. He doesn't have all the memories or.....or confidence......I don't know. I just want him whole again."
"I don't know much about that kind of stuff, but I'd assume whatever happens.....however you decide to 'fix' him, he'll have to agree to it. No more of this springing stuff on him. He has to want to be whole again. And if he's afraid that the guilt will be too much and he won't have anywhere to hide, he might prefer being split up. And the thing is, the guilt *will* get that bad. He *won't* have anywhere to hide. But if you can get him to open up to you, he won't need to hide. I haven't been around Spike in a long time, but if I do know anything about him, it's that he is ruled by women. If you push hard enough, he'll choose you, Buffy. He'll choose you to the safety of his own mind. But you have to be able to provide the safety he'll need. You can't back down or shy away. And he'll have some hellacious stories to tell. Some terrifying feelings to expose. You have to be ready or he'll probably turn out worse than I did. He'll shut himself off if he feels he doesn't have an outlet or your trust. Like I said, I don't know how to fix his current problem, but once he is normal, you have to be there, Buffy. Completely there, or you'll lose him. And a huge part of me hates that it has to be you, but you did it for me. I know you're capable. The question is, do you care enough for him to be what he needs?"
Buffy seemed lost in thought. "I love him," she said both absently and confidently.
Angel winced. "Then he'll be just fine. He's a lucky guy."
Buffy snapped out of her thoughts. "Angel, thank you for coming. I know it was a little dirty of me, but I think this is just what we needed."
Angel quirked an eyebrow toward the kitchen where Spike had exited. "Yeah, he sure got a lot out of it."
Buffy shook her head. "More than he thinks. But mostly I mean me. I think.....I hope I have an idea. I think you're right. He will choose me."
Angel nodded. "Whatever you're planning, be careful. Messing with someone's psyche is always dangerous."
"I will. I can't lose him. I know you don't understand this whole situation, but he means so much to me. I haven't loved anyone like this since.....well, since you."
"There's a myriad of things I could say to that, but I think I'll stick to 'good night'." Angel stood to leave. Buffy gave him a big hug.
"Thank you. I owe you one."
"Take care of yourself, Buffy. You've got a hard road ahead." Angel opened the door and headed to his car.
A thought struck Buffy. "Hey! Who do you smell like?"
A laugh and a dismissive wave was her answer.
**
TBC R&R
**
Buffy picked at her food for a few minutes, going over everything in her head. She knew Spike needed her help, even if he didn't think so. He was there in her time of need, and she wasn't going to abandon him. Even if that's what he said he wanted. The thought of him sitting down in the basement crying, hurting, brooding...it was more than she could bear. This was Spike. Her Big Bad. The persona and ego he built to cover up his William side was so valuable to him. But she needed him to know that she loved all of him--his tough, snarky, fighting, shagging, cursing side, as well as his soft, poetic, beautiful, so fragile side.
It was this thought that drove her to the most desperate, yet most obvious option. She picked up the phone and dialed the familiar digits. "Hey. It's Buffy. I need your help. Can you come tonight?"
**
After a few hours, Spike came up to bring his dishes and get Summer some water. He also heated himself up a cup of blood. He peeked in on Buffy who seemed to be sleeping on the couch. He fought the urge to carry her up to her bed. To tuck her in. To kiss her goodnight. To cover her with his body and make love to her all night. He ached for her, but he knew it wasn't right. Too many things going on inside and outside his head to devote his full attention to her. And he wasn't about to be with her if he couldn't fully *be* with her. And, if he were to admit the truth, he was still hurting from her attack. He could rationalize it away, knowing what she was thinking. But hearing those words coming from her, encouraging Willow...it just fed the little voice that had always existed in his head since his human days. The voice that told him that loving women would always hurt him in the end. Cecily, his mum, Drusilla...the only women he ever loved and they had all torn out parts of his heart. He refused to believe it was possible with Buffy, not after all they had gone through together. But her actions tonight had pushed more buttons than she had intended.
He shook the dark thoughts from his head. She wasn't trying to hurt him. She was trying to help him. Even if her methods were poor, her heart was in the right place. She loved him and she wouldn't intentionally make things worse. He spared her another long look before returning to the basement. He had a lot of work to do if he was going to make himself whole again. He hadn't the foggiest clue how to get there, but he wasn't going to waste time. Not when he had her waiting for him.
**
Buffy woke to light knocking on the front door. She sat up and looked at the clock. She smiled. He had made good time. She tried to shake the sleep from her head as she made her way to the door. She opened it and threw herself into his arms. "Thank you," was all she said.
After filling him in on the basics, Buffy made her way to the basement. She took a deep breath before opening the door. "Spike? Can you come up here, please?"
He appeared at the bottom of the steps. He tilted his head as he looked at her questioningly. "What is it, Slayer? Something wrong?"
She swallowed hard. "Can you just come up?" As he nodded slightly and started slowly up the stairs, she added, "Look, I...I did something you're not going to like. Well, *another* something you're not going to like. But it's really the most obvious thing, if you think about it. And...well..."
Spike's eyes narrowed as he reached the top of the steps. He took a deep breath and muttered, "Peaches."
Buffy moved from the doorway as he glared coldly at her. She shut the door behind him, as if he might bolt back down.
"Hello, Spike. I hear you've got yourself a problem," Angel said quietly.
Spike's gaze never left Buffy. "You know what, pet? I'd be expecting a call from Captain Cardboard, if I were you. Army's probably real interested in recruiting you. Your ambush techniques are second to none, 'f you ask me."
Buffy had to break the look, his cold eyes too much for her. "Spike, will you please just talk with him? He's the only other person in the whole world who has a vague clue as to what you're going through. I just thought..."
"Well, how about you stop thinking, huh? Isn't that what I'm supposed to be doing? You don't need to trouble yourself, especially when your thinking leads to.....this," he gestured at Angel.
"Look, I had no idea this was about you, Spike. I probably wouldn't have come if she'd explained it all to me." Angel gave a pointed look at Buffy.
Buffy looked down. "Which is why I didn't tell either one of you.....you're both so stubborn." She sighed. "Am I the only one who sees the sense in this? Angel, vampire with soul. Spike, vampire with new soul. Spike, you're having troubles. Angel, you've worked through most of yours. Just thought it would help."
Angel chuckled bitterly. "Haven't worked through half of mine, Buffy. How do you expect me to help him? Especially when he doesn't want any help. And especially when I can smell him all over you. Were you ever going to bother telling me that part? Not that it takes much to guess....."
"Hey! Should I tell her who *I* smell all over *you*? She's not your bint to get jealous over anymore, Angel."
Buffy frowned. "Who does he smell like?"
Spike glared at her. "Does it matter?"
Buffy dropped her head. "No, just curious."
Spike shook his head. "Look, so we're all in agreement that nobody wants this?" As Buffy opened her mouth to protest, he said, "Good," before heading back to the basement.
"Hey!" Buffy yelled, stopping Spike in his tracks. He turned to her. She looked from one vamp to the other. "If either of you ever felt anything for me, you'll do this. Just half an hour, please. Angel, please, just......some pointers, anything. Spike, please, just listen. I know you hate him, but he might have something to say that will help you." She moved closer to Spike, spoke quietly to him, even though she knew Angel could hear her. "I know you're mad at me. Hate me probably. But I know you love me too. Know you'd do anything for me. All I'm asking is half an hour. Not too much, is it?"
Spike's face softened at her entreaties. "Half hour with him? More than you think." His gaze left hers in mock thought. "I think maybe I'll keep a tally. Then once this is all over with, you'll owe me." He gave her a suggestive smirk that she hadn't seen in a while. She couldn't resist the urge to reach up on her tip toes and brush her lips against his for a moment. He didn't pull away from her, which she took as a very good sign. Angel's throat clearing brought her back to the moment. Spike smiled at Buffy. "You don't play fair."
She gave him a big smile in return. "I know. Now, you guys go to the living room. I'll bring in some blood and you guys can just talk. I'll stay or go, whatever you want."
Both men shook their heads in resignation, but followed her orders. Angel took a lounge chair, Spike flung himself down on the couch across from Angel. They sat in silence until Buffy brought them each a mug of blood.
"Well?" Buffy asked.
Spike quirked an eyebrow. "Well, what?"
"Why aren't you guys talking? I mean, that was the whole point, and--"
Angel put up his hand to silence her. "I guess neither one of us is sure exactly what you're going for here, Buffy."
Buffy shrugged. "I don't know. Spike, tell him how you're feeling. Angel, tell him what to expect."
Spike nodded and looked at Angel. "Feelin' shitty."
"Expect more of it," Angel confirmed blankly.
"Brilliant! I feel better. Thanks, luv. Bloody catharsis, it was." Spike rose to leave. Buffy's aggravated look made him sit back down.
"Look, Angel, I told you that Spike has a split personality--"
"--Hey! My personal information, here!" Spike blustered.
Buffy ignored him and continued. "He acts like he did when he was human when the guilt and memories get to be too much."
Angel nodded, seemingly intrigued. "What triggers the memories? The guilt?"
"Uh, bein' awake, ya nit," Spike spat.
Buffy glared at Spike again. "It seems like it just builds up sometimes. Then, it becomes too much and Spike retreats and his 'William' persona takes over."
"I'm not really sure what I can do. I didn't have that happen to me," Angel said honestly.
"I know, but maybe for after.....after we get all that fixed. He's still going to need.....help."
Spike shook his head, but wasn't about to speak after Buffy's many aggravated looks.
Angel shrugged. "He's got people around him. He's got you. He's got a lot of what I didn't have when I had just gotten my soul. I mean, I had people around me, but.....they weren't exactly encouraging me to be good," Angel tossed a look at Spike.
"Hey, was a soulless vampire then, can't really be expected to be your soddin' cheerleader, can I?" Spike shook his head and stood. "'M goin' for a smoke. Pet, you can fill me in on all his words of wisdom."
"Spike," Buffy called after him, but his hand in the air was the only response she got.
She started after him until Angel's voice stopped her. "Let him go. This isn't easy for him. Especially now that he's a lot of what he hated in me. Then to top it off, you bring me here to help him. Spike's always had his pride. Well.....not when it came to women, but that's a whole other story.....Look, the thing is.....he's got people. People who care. I retreated into myself after I got my soul. Didn't want to be a part of the world. Didn't have any use for people since they couldn't be food anymore. Til I met you. You brought me out of a hundred years of.....whatever I was in. He'll have you right off the bat. And not that I'm so thrilled about that, mind you.....but I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone. Even Spike. Just.....treat him like a man. Like a person. Not like a thing. And don't let him retreat. Don't let him sit in that basement sulking. Because, no matter what he says, he'll become a thing. A guilt-ridden demon who's pulled inside himself. This whole split personality thing.....I can't figure if it's part of himself trying to pull inside, or part of himself that wants to be a person fighting to get out. Or both."
Buffy nodded solemnly. "I just don't know how to do all that stuff. He's pulling away, like you said. But he won't let me near. The only time I can get close is when 'William' is around. And that's.....a little odd sometimes. And as much as I like him too, he's not my Spike. He doesn't have all the memories or.....or confidence......I don't know. I just want him whole again."
"I don't know much about that kind of stuff, but I'd assume whatever happens.....however you decide to 'fix' him, he'll have to agree to it. No more of this springing stuff on him. He has to want to be whole again. And if he's afraid that the guilt will be too much and he won't have anywhere to hide, he might prefer being split up. And the thing is, the guilt *will* get that bad. He *won't* have anywhere to hide. But if you can get him to open up to you, he won't need to hide. I haven't been around Spike in a long time, but if I do know anything about him, it's that he is ruled by women. If you push hard enough, he'll choose you, Buffy. He'll choose you to the safety of his own mind. But you have to be able to provide the safety he'll need. You can't back down or shy away. And he'll have some hellacious stories to tell. Some terrifying feelings to expose. You have to be ready or he'll probably turn out worse than I did. He'll shut himself off if he feels he doesn't have an outlet or your trust. Like I said, I don't know how to fix his current problem, but once he is normal, you have to be there, Buffy. Completely there, or you'll lose him. And a huge part of me hates that it has to be you, but you did it for me. I know you're capable. The question is, do you care enough for him to be what he needs?"
Buffy seemed lost in thought. "I love him," she said both absently and confidently.
Angel winced. "Then he'll be just fine. He's a lucky guy."
Buffy snapped out of her thoughts. "Angel, thank you for coming. I know it was a little dirty of me, but I think this is just what we needed."
Angel quirked an eyebrow toward the kitchen where Spike had exited. "Yeah, he sure got a lot out of it."
Buffy shook her head. "More than he thinks. But mostly I mean me. I think.....I hope I have an idea. I think you're right. He will choose me."
Angel nodded. "Whatever you're planning, be careful. Messing with someone's psyche is always dangerous."
"I will. I can't lose him. I know you don't understand this whole situation, but he means so much to me. I haven't loved anyone like this since.....well, since you."
"There's a myriad of things I could say to that, but I think I'll stick to 'good night'." Angel stood to leave. Buffy gave him a big hug.
"Thank you. I owe you one."
"Take care of yourself, Buffy. You've got a hard road ahead." Angel opened the door and headed to his car.
A thought struck Buffy. "Hey! Who do you smell like?"
A laugh and a dismissive wave was her answer.
**
TBC R&R