The next few days went much like the first. Buffy would wait for William to
wake, let him get dressed, as he was much less free with his body than
Spike was, and talk with him until Spike made an appearance. Then she would
cold shoulder Spike until William came out again. And in his stubbornness,
Spike returned her coldness. But she could see plainly that it was wearing
on him. He was getting more and more frustrated with her actions, as
evidenced by sighs and low growls, some occasional muttering under his
breath. Her plan was going well until about the fourth evening when he came
up the stairs while she was starting to wash a few dishes.
She turned when she heard the door open. She waited to gauge the expression on his face to see who she was dealing with. When a bright smile met her, she relaxed, turning back to dry her hands. "Hey! Glad I did an early patrol. So, where are we today? Somewhere around 14, right? C'mon, I need some good puberty fodder to hold over Spike."
He cleared his throat. "Um, I was rather hoping that we might have a.....continuation of that particular.....discourse at a later time. I would be quite honored if you would grace me with your um, conversational abilities in a confabulation regarding your sentiments about, um, Spike."
Buffy couldn't help the smile that crept across her face, but she hid it as she turned to him, assuming a serious face. "Why would I want to talk about that? My sentiments are pretty clear there, I think. He's being the arrogant, stubborn vampire that he's always been. End of story. Now, about puberty......"
He visibly stiffened. "Yes, well, regardless of his past behaviors, one could certainly discern where his......mentality is at the moment. He happens to be in a very difficult place right now and--"
"--God, Spike, you suck at this. You can't even be *you* good enough to fool *me*. Now what's this about anyway?" Buffy now let her smile come through, only slightly though.
His shoulders slumped. "'s the only way you'd talk to me. If I'm him."
Buffy shrugged. "Like I told you, you wanted to be away from me, not the other way around."
"Yeah, well......maybe I was wrong. Not like I have all the answers, ya know. Been sitting down there for days trying to think about it all, trying to figure a way out of this mess, but more often than not, I end up just sitting down there missing you. And the only time I get to be with you is when *he*'s in control. And that's nice in a whole other way, but I still feel so far from you. Then when I'm me, you won't give me the time of day. I think it's driving me battier than I was before."
"I don't know. Maybe you were right. Maybe this time away thing is just what you need. I mean, who needs me and all my crap to distract you? I think it's the best of both worlds, really. You get your time to plan and think, and I get to spend some really nice time with you."
Spike frowned. "That's just what I'm saying, I don't actually get to do any thinking about my problems cuz I'm just thinking about you all the time. Been my bloody problem since the day I set foot in Sunnydale, and it still haunts me!"
"Well, ya know, the Scoobies are still researching. Maybe they'll come up with something," Buffy said sympathetically.
"I mean, it's not like I'm gonna stop working on it myself, because it really is.....think I might be goin' crazy for real sometimes......But maybe the basement isn't so good for me. I mean, maybe if I'm up here with you sometimes.....then I don't have to obsess about you all the time and I can get some actual thinking done, ya know?"
Buffy shrugged. "Could work, I guess. Whatever you think is right, though."
"I don't know what's right. I just know what's wrong. Just want it to get fixed. You think......maybe, if I do spend some more time with you.....maybe we could......maybe *not* be so bitchy to each other? Knowin' you're mad at me just makes it worse. I hate that, baby."
Buffy smiled, so relieved she didn't have to play angry with him. "I think that can be arranged."
Spike smiled and moved closer to her. She smiled as he leaned his face down to her. He frowned as she reached up and gave him a hug. Her plan wasn't complete, but it she felt it coming together nicely.
"Well," Buffy said as she pulled away from him. "Now that you're back in the land of the living, so to speak, do you want to talk? About anything?"
Spike nodded. "I was wondering......well, maybe you could tell me about some of the stuff that.......Angel talked about." Buffy couldn't help but smile at the difficulty Spike had at saying his grandsire's name.
"Sure, but it wasn't anything earth shattering. Just about how you needed a support system and stuff like that. But I could, maybe if you want, talk a little about some of the things he told me about several years ago, when we were......together. Maybe that kind of stuff would help. He told me a lot about what he went through and the guilt he felt."
Spike nodded. "I think I'm gonna need a beer for this."
**
Throughout the discussion, Spike had remained mostly silent. Buffy couldn't tell if this was because he was identifying with the things from Angel's past, or if he was sulking at being reminded of her relationship with Angel. His face had grown darker and darker, and she was pretty sure at some point he had gone internal, no longer hearing her words, but listening to something going on in his own mind. When she stopped talking, he snapped to attention, claiming he was listening to her and asking her to go on. When she continued, he phased out again, but she just kept talking, so as not to disturb whatever integral process might be occurring before her very eyes. She certainly hoped it was to do with his soul, because if he was just zoning out thinking about new and inventive ways to kill Angel, she'd be very upset with him later.
Her voice would catch every time she saw a tear trail slowly down his cheek. He wasn't outright crying, but every few minutes a single tear would break free from his glistening eyes. Then, without much warning, he laid his head on his own lap and covered his head with his hands, like a schoolboy doing A-bomb drills. Soon, his body was wracked with sobs. Buffy stopped talking and gently laid herself over his back, rubbing him and cooing soothing words. She caressed his hands and kissed the back of his neck softly, chastising herself for the sudden rush of desire she felt at the feel of his cool skin on her lips.
When his crying ebbed and only sniffing and sighing could be heard, she eased herself off of him, never relinquishing physical contact. She rubbed up and down his back as he seemed to come to again. Slowly, he sat up. He looked at Buffy with a strange look on his face.
"I.....I don't understand. I usually.....take over for him sooner than that. Before he can cry. That's my job, but it was almost like he wanted it. Almost like he was trying to bear it. It's all very.....I don't know. But then again, I don't usually get that upset myself......" William trailed off, confused.
"What do you mean? *You* were upset?" Buffy asked.
William nodded and wiped away a few errant tears. "When he.....recedes, if you will, he doesn't leave the guilt or the emotion. It doesn't stay with him, I know that. But....while I'm 'out', it's somewhere else. Not with either one of us, but always present. I can't explain it......But this time.....when he went.....I felt the sadness, god, the smothering sadness that he was feeling. Not the memories or the why or the how, but *I* was sad. I couldn't *not* cry." William shook his head and sighed heavily.
At that moment, Buffy desperately wished she could crawl inside his head and comfort Spike, wherever he was. She wanted to hold him and protect him and tell him that everything would be ok. But she couldn't, so she did the next best thing. She stayed her hand that had been rubbing his back and wrapped her other around him as well. He hesitated a moment before returning her embrace. The tighter she held him, the more he relaxed in her hold. Soon, his head was resting on her shoulder, facing her. She turned her head and gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead. He raised his head and smiled at her. She saw something in his eyes, some kind of innocent need that she felt only she could fulfill. She slowly leaned in the few inches that separated them and brushed her lips gently across his. She expected him to pull away, but he didn't. Instead, he tightened his grip on her slightly and instigated his own kiss, more firm than the one she offered. The trepidation in Buffy melted as she deepened the kiss, bringing her hand up to the back of his neck to hold him in place. She felt his tongue gliding along her lips and she parted them for him. As her tongue darted out to meet his, he suddenly jerked back.
"Oh, oh, I'm so sorry. Buffy, I'm so sorry. It's not proper.....I shouldn't have.....oh, dear......" William stood up and started pacing, a move that reminded Buffy of Spike.
"William, if you didn't happen to notice, I kissed you first. Not exactly complaining here," Buffy joked as she couldn't hide her smile at his sudden nervousness. 'So unlike Spike,' she thought. 'Kind of endearing.'
William stopped and looked at her intently. "Yes, but.....well, you were offering a.....chaste kiss. I don't even.....I've never.....kissed anyone like that. Must be a bit of *him* coming through, I suppose."
"Again, not complaining. Unless you didn't like it, which I guess seeing where you come from.....it would be somewhat.....advanced. And by the way, I'd never be able to tell you'd never kissed anyone like that. You're a good kisser." Buffy gave him a bright, encouraging smile.
William returned her smile and sat back down next to her. His eyes darted around for a moment before resting on his hands that were properly folded in his lap. "So.....are you perhaps suggesting that if I were to.....that is, with your permission, of course.....if I were to kiss you again in such a manner.....you wouldn't be disagreeable?"
Buffy giggled. "I would be very agreeable if you kissed me again like that. I mean.....Spike and I....."
William ducked his head and frowned. "Yes, of course. You two have.....consummated your relationship. I suppose a kiss is of very little consequence to you."
Buffy's eyes widened. "NO! No, a kiss.....a kiss is of great consequence. Just because Spike and I have......consummated, doesn't mean I don't like kissing you. As a matter of fact, I'd like to be kissing you right now.....some more....."
**
TBC R&R!
She turned when she heard the door open. She waited to gauge the expression on his face to see who she was dealing with. When a bright smile met her, she relaxed, turning back to dry her hands. "Hey! Glad I did an early patrol. So, where are we today? Somewhere around 14, right? C'mon, I need some good puberty fodder to hold over Spike."
He cleared his throat. "Um, I was rather hoping that we might have a.....continuation of that particular.....discourse at a later time. I would be quite honored if you would grace me with your um, conversational abilities in a confabulation regarding your sentiments about, um, Spike."
Buffy couldn't help the smile that crept across her face, but she hid it as she turned to him, assuming a serious face. "Why would I want to talk about that? My sentiments are pretty clear there, I think. He's being the arrogant, stubborn vampire that he's always been. End of story. Now, about puberty......"
He visibly stiffened. "Yes, well, regardless of his past behaviors, one could certainly discern where his......mentality is at the moment. He happens to be in a very difficult place right now and--"
"--God, Spike, you suck at this. You can't even be *you* good enough to fool *me*. Now what's this about anyway?" Buffy now let her smile come through, only slightly though.
His shoulders slumped. "'s the only way you'd talk to me. If I'm him."
Buffy shrugged. "Like I told you, you wanted to be away from me, not the other way around."
"Yeah, well......maybe I was wrong. Not like I have all the answers, ya know. Been sitting down there for days trying to think about it all, trying to figure a way out of this mess, but more often than not, I end up just sitting down there missing you. And the only time I get to be with you is when *he*'s in control. And that's nice in a whole other way, but I still feel so far from you. Then when I'm me, you won't give me the time of day. I think it's driving me battier than I was before."
"I don't know. Maybe you were right. Maybe this time away thing is just what you need. I mean, who needs me and all my crap to distract you? I think it's the best of both worlds, really. You get your time to plan and think, and I get to spend some really nice time with you."
Spike frowned. "That's just what I'm saying, I don't actually get to do any thinking about my problems cuz I'm just thinking about you all the time. Been my bloody problem since the day I set foot in Sunnydale, and it still haunts me!"
"Well, ya know, the Scoobies are still researching. Maybe they'll come up with something," Buffy said sympathetically.
"I mean, it's not like I'm gonna stop working on it myself, because it really is.....think I might be goin' crazy for real sometimes......But maybe the basement isn't so good for me. I mean, maybe if I'm up here with you sometimes.....then I don't have to obsess about you all the time and I can get some actual thinking done, ya know?"
Buffy shrugged. "Could work, I guess. Whatever you think is right, though."
"I don't know what's right. I just know what's wrong. Just want it to get fixed. You think......maybe, if I do spend some more time with you.....maybe we could......maybe *not* be so bitchy to each other? Knowin' you're mad at me just makes it worse. I hate that, baby."
Buffy smiled, so relieved she didn't have to play angry with him. "I think that can be arranged."
Spike smiled and moved closer to her. She smiled as he leaned his face down to her. He frowned as she reached up and gave him a hug. Her plan wasn't complete, but it she felt it coming together nicely.
"Well," Buffy said as she pulled away from him. "Now that you're back in the land of the living, so to speak, do you want to talk? About anything?"
Spike nodded. "I was wondering......well, maybe you could tell me about some of the stuff that.......Angel talked about." Buffy couldn't help but smile at the difficulty Spike had at saying his grandsire's name.
"Sure, but it wasn't anything earth shattering. Just about how you needed a support system and stuff like that. But I could, maybe if you want, talk a little about some of the things he told me about several years ago, when we were......together. Maybe that kind of stuff would help. He told me a lot about what he went through and the guilt he felt."
Spike nodded. "I think I'm gonna need a beer for this."
**
Throughout the discussion, Spike had remained mostly silent. Buffy couldn't tell if this was because he was identifying with the things from Angel's past, or if he was sulking at being reminded of her relationship with Angel. His face had grown darker and darker, and she was pretty sure at some point he had gone internal, no longer hearing her words, but listening to something going on in his own mind. When she stopped talking, he snapped to attention, claiming he was listening to her and asking her to go on. When she continued, he phased out again, but she just kept talking, so as not to disturb whatever integral process might be occurring before her very eyes. She certainly hoped it was to do with his soul, because if he was just zoning out thinking about new and inventive ways to kill Angel, she'd be very upset with him later.
Her voice would catch every time she saw a tear trail slowly down his cheek. He wasn't outright crying, but every few minutes a single tear would break free from his glistening eyes. Then, without much warning, he laid his head on his own lap and covered his head with his hands, like a schoolboy doing A-bomb drills. Soon, his body was wracked with sobs. Buffy stopped talking and gently laid herself over his back, rubbing him and cooing soothing words. She caressed his hands and kissed the back of his neck softly, chastising herself for the sudden rush of desire she felt at the feel of his cool skin on her lips.
When his crying ebbed and only sniffing and sighing could be heard, she eased herself off of him, never relinquishing physical contact. She rubbed up and down his back as he seemed to come to again. Slowly, he sat up. He looked at Buffy with a strange look on his face.
"I.....I don't understand. I usually.....take over for him sooner than that. Before he can cry. That's my job, but it was almost like he wanted it. Almost like he was trying to bear it. It's all very.....I don't know. But then again, I don't usually get that upset myself......" William trailed off, confused.
"What do you mean? *You* were upset?" Buffy asked.
William nodded and wiped away a few errant tears. "When he.....recedes, if you will, he doesn't leave the guilt or the emotion. It doesn't stay with him, I know that. But....while I'm 'out', it's somewhere else. Not with either one of us, but always present. I can't explain it......But this time.....when he went.....I felt the sadness, god, the smothering sadness that he was feeling. Not the memories or the why or the how, but *I* was sad. I couldn't *not* cry." William shook his head and sighed heavily.
At that moment, Buffy desperately wished she could crawl inside his head and comfort Spike, wherever he was. She wanted to hold him and protect him and tell him that everything would be ok. But she couldn't, so she did the next best thing. She stayed her hand that had been rubbing his back and wrapped her other around him as well. He hesitated a moment before returning her embrace. The tighter she held him, the more he relaxed in her hold. Soon, his head was resting on her shoulder, facing her. She turned her head and gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead. He raised his head and smiled at her. She saw something in his eyes, some kind of innocent need that she felt only she could fulfill. She slowly leaned in the few inches that separated them and brushed her lips gently across his. She expected him to pull away, but he didn't. Instead, he tightened his grip on her slightly and instigated his own kiss, more firm than the one she offered. The trepidation in Buffy melted as she deepened the kiss, bringing her hand up to the back of his neck to hold him in place. She felt his tongue gliding along her lips and she parted them for him. As her tongue darted out to meet his, he suddenly jerked back.
"Oh, oh, I'm so sorry. Buffy, I'm so sorry. It's not proper.....I shouldn't have.....oh, dear......" William stood up and started pacing, a move that reminded Buffy of Spike.
"William, if you didn't happen to notice, I kissed you first. Not exactly complaining here," Buffy joked as she couldn't hide her smile at his sudden nervousness. 'So unlike Spike,' she thought. 'Kind of endearing.'
William stopped and looked at her intently. "Yes, but.....well, you were offering a.....chaste kiss. I don't even.....I've never.....kissed anyone like that. Must be a bit of *him* coming through, I suppose."
"Again, not complaining. Unless you didn't like it, which I guess seeing where you come from.....it would be somewhat.....advanced. And by the way, I'd never be able to tell you'd never kissed anyone like that. You're a good kisser." Buffy gave him a bright, encouraging smile.
William returned her smile and sat back down next to her. His eyes darted around for a moment before resting on his hands that were properly folded in his lap. "So.....are you perhaps suggesting that if I were to.....that is, with your permission, of course.....if I were to kiss you again in such a manner.....you wouldn't be disagreeable?"
Buffy giggled. "I would be very agreeable if you kissed me again like that. I mean.....Spike and I....."
William ducked his head and frowned. "Yes, of course. You two have.....consummated your relationship. I suppose a kiss is of very little consequence to you."
Buffy's eyes widened. "NO! No, a kiss.....a kiss is of great consequence. Just because Spike and I have......consummated, doesn't mean I don't like kissing you. As a matter of fact, I'd like to be kissing you right now.....some more....."
**
TBC R&R!