Spike bucked forward, slamming his head and fists into the ground. She
heard a low growl emanating from somewhere deep inside him. Then, almost a
whimper, "Please. Do this. We can do this." He grabbed his head, tangling
his fingers in his own hair. Buffy wondered if he was going to wrench it
out, he was grasping so tightly. Then she heard something that almost
broke her heart and made it soar at the same time. "For her," he whispered.
"No more. No more. She needs us. We can do this. Please....." It was
spoken so quietly, Buffy couldn't tell if it was William or Spike pleading.
When he had relaxed his tense body somewhat, Buffy knelt down beside him. She ran her fingers through his hair, smoothing it where he had mussed. He stayed on his hands and knees for a moment before sitting up beside her. He smiled wearily, despite the tears streaming down his face. "I think.....I think it's over. I mean.....I think we're whole again. I feel.....it. But not us. Just me. Ruffian and ponce. Same guy now." Spike sighed and ran a hand over his face, wiping away the tears. "You sure that's ok with you, luv?" he asked, not able to look at her yet.
Buffy smiled, not bothering to hold back her own tears. "More than ok, baby. It's what I've been wanting all along. Even before you went for your soul." He finally looked at her, confused. She smiled wider and took his face in her hands. "You're always my Big Bad, and I love that about you. And you let me see your tenderness, and I love that too. But I could always tell you were holding back. Like you thought if you said too many sweet words or showed too much softness that I wouldn't want you. Like maybe you also thought because I'm such a tough chick that only a tough guy will do for me. So you hid part of yourself away. You forced it down. We can call that part 'William', if you want, but it was still a part of you that you kept from me. You let it slip, sometimes, in the way you'd look at me. Or the words you would say when you thought I was asleep. But you forget, Spike, I fell in love with the you who recited poems to me on my first day back from heaven. The you who wrote songs for me. I was fragile then, so you were delicate with me. Then when I got stronger, I guess you assumed I'd have no use for your delicateness, your poems, your songs, your tears. But you're wrong. I want it all. I need it all. Because I need all of you. I don't love you in parts, baby. I love all of you." She gave him a firm kiss on the nose and released his face. "Sorry about the nose, by the way."
Spike took a deep breath. "Still a little scared, luv."
Buffy rolled her eyes. "God, how many times do I have to tell you, I love-- "
"--No, I know that. I believe that, I really do. It's just....." He stared at his clasped hands in his lap. "'ve done some bloody awful things. I mean, I've got a demon in me and the thought of it all drove me 'round the bend. Can't imagine what all that rot'll do to someone as pure as you." He finally looked up at her, fear in his eyes.
Buffy smiled. "I'm anything but pure, you of all people should know that." At his slight smile, she continued. "And I know the things you've done.....well, not the exact things you've done. But I can imagine. I mean, I dated Angelus, if you recall. If you did worse than him, I'd actually be impressed rather than disappointed." She got another little smile out of him. "And we don't have to talk about any of that if you don't want to. But I really think it would be a good thing. Good to get it all out. But only if you want. Don't want to be pushy girl here."
Spike shook his head. "Can't get it *all* out, luv. It's not the facts and figures that haunt me. It's the sights and sounds. The looks of terror on people's faces, knowing I was the cause of it. The screams. The dead bodies hitting the ground. But even worse than that, it's me. Me and Dru, makin' love covered in some poor bloke's blood. I loved it. I reveled in it. It made me feel alive. After I killed my first slayer....." Spike shook his head.
Buffy put her hand on his arm. "I want to hear it all, Spike."
He shook his head again and stood. "No one wants to hear this stuff."
Buffy moved to the couch and he joined her. "Ok, so it's not pleasant conversation, I agree. But I think we both *need* for me to hear this. Tell me about your first slayer."
And he told her. He told her about drinking from the slayer. About making love with Drusilla a few yards from the body. About all the others he killed during the Boxer Rebellion, the ones he could remember, at any rate. Deep into the night, he told her about the first child he killed, the first woman he raped, the first person he used a railroad spike on. She was his confessor, and he let it all out and begged forgiveness many times over that night. When he sobbed, she held him. When he couldn't speak, she whispered loving words to him. She internalized her disgust at the stories, reassuring herself that those were actions of a Spike that was gone long before he went for his soul.
Eventually, she was able to detach what she was hearing from what she needed to do for Spike. He needed this, he needed to tell her his evil deeds. Needed her to forgive him, since his victims were no longer able to dispense absolution. And she did. She forgave him every death, every painful torture, every malicious rape, all of it, because this man before her committed none of those crimes, but felt the full weight of the actions. He was a different man, a new man. But he had to get past the old first.
During one spell of crying, she discovered that he had actually fallen asleep in her lap as she stroked his head. He still whimpered and let out the occasional sob, but he was asleep. The day was wearing heavily on her, as well, and soon she laid her head back for a moment's respite and quickly drowsed off.
**
About an hour before sunrise, Spike woke with a pained yell, bolting up from Buffy's lap. She woke also, scared beyond belief. "What? Spike, what is it? What's wrong?"
"Oh, god. They......This is why he usually wakes and not me." Spike laid his head back and crossed his arms over his face.
"Spike? Talk to me, baby," Buffy begged, concern written clearly on her face.
"Just.....dreams. Nightmares. The same, but always different. It's not over, you know. Just because I'm whole again and I.....told you all that rot.....doesn't mean it's over."
Buffy nodded. "I know. I didn't expect it to be over. It's just a step we took. Well, a couple of giant steps, actually. But I know we've got more to go, Spike. I'm here for it. All of it. The only way you're going to make it through is if you believe that. Believe in us, our love. Believe that we can make things right again. Because we can. And no, you will never be the same again, but that's kind of the point, isn't it? You don't want to be that same guy, and you're not. And yeah, I don't think you'll ever not feel guilty. But unless you want to take a weekend in LA for brooding lessons from this guy I know, you have to let me in. I mean it, don't shut me out of what's happening to you, or this all goes down the drain."
Spike sat forward and looked at her. "Brooding lessons......"
Buffy gave him a stern look. "Spike, I'm serious."
A sigh. "Yeah, I got that. It's just.....still hard. I mean, I feel like I should be protecting you from my past, not shoving it down your throat."
Buffy took his hand. "Look, you told me some atrocious stuff last night. And guess what? Still love you. And if tomorrow you tell me something even worse, you got it, still gonna love you. I can take it all. I'm a pretty tough chick, if you haven't noticed. There's only one thing I can't take from you, and that's being on the outside. You worked so hard for me to let you in, and I did, and I've never been happier. Now, if I have to work 10 times as hard, so be it. But you can make my job a lot easier by just smoothing the way. I mean, if I have to punch you in the nose 25 times a day to get you to talk to me, I can do that too, because, to be honest.....kinda gets me hot." When he gave her a sly little smile, her face softened. "Baby, you know I'm right."
Spike nodded. "I know. I just have that drive to......no, I know, you don't need protected by the likes of me. But sometimes it's hard to get started, I think."
Buffy cocked her head to one side. "Need some persuasion, do you?"
He smiled and shook his head. "Not *that* kind of persuasion. I mean, not that I'd ever say no to that kind....." He gave her a suggestive waggle of his eyebrows and she chuckled.
"Don't worry, I know just how.....handle you. I won't let up, because it's all for your own good. Now, about *that* kind of persuasion.....seems to me you *have* said no recently....." Buffy let the playful accusation hang between them.
Spike stood up. "That's cuz I was a bleedin' split-in-two ponce. I've got no such malady now." He scooped her up from the couch. They kissed softly as he carried her up the stairs, feeling no need for an urgent coupling.
When he laid her on the bed, she smiled up at him. "Spike?"
"Yeah, luv?"
"Let's just sleep a bit more for now. I think I'm really drained."
Spike sighed in relief. "Oh, thank god, I'm not sure I could have given you a proper seein' to, m'self. I'm knackered, pet. And I don't want our first time since I've been back to be sub par, ya know?"
"It never is, with you, baby." Buffy raised her head and gave him another gentle kiss.
"Well, seein' as how par is makin' you come 5 times, I think I could only manage 3 and a half in my current condition." He grinned evilly at her.
She raised her eyebrows. "Since when did you set par so high?"
Spike shrugged. "Got a lot of things to make up for in my life. One of 'em being leavin' you alone for several months. High and dry without your Big Bad to give you the good stuff. Gotta make up for it in my own special way." Spike laid down beside Buffy, letting her nestle her head on his chest. He stroked her golden hair until her breathing evened, slowed.
She was almost asleep when he heard her ask, "Spike? What's a half an orgasm like?"
His chuckled rumbled through his chest, jostling her head a bit. He bent his head down and kissed the top of her head. "I promise I'll show you later, luv."
As her breathing and steady heartbeat soothed him to sleep, Spike was certain he had finally found himself. He was a fixer-upper, no doubt, but she thought he was a keeper, and that was all that mattered. He believed with all his heart that she would be with him through thick and thin. For the first time in his existence, he felt he belonged, completely, right where he was. Spike felt like he was more than he had ever been. He was more than a monster. He was more than a man.
He was hers.
**
The End
Well, another semi-saga ended. To be honest, there was probably a little more story that could have been told, but I like to leave my Spuffy on a note of uncertain optimism! Many thanks to the faithful and positive reviews of Mel, KeepTheFaith, TheChosen1, WickedWiccan, Shan-suedluvsbitch, Atterb, Wolf116, and everyone else who took the time to drop me a line. You guys are what make my hobby a passion! And muchas gracias to Jim Marsters(oh yeah, that's right, he asked that I call him Jim...James is just so...formal. And to be honest, sounds a little rigid in the heat of passion..ahem) for gracing my mind's eye every time I write Spike. He's what makes my passion an obsession! And finally, thanks to my hubby/beta, Cellar Dweller, who not only teases me mercilessly that he can pick out my grammar/spelling errors even though he's not a native English speaker, but who also puts up with my insane lust for all things Spike.
Anyway, it's been fun and I'm working on another Spuffy story about (another) alternate season 6 where Buffy first meets Spike after he already has a soul. Kind of like a fresh start for Spuffy, without the messy seasons 2-6 history. Right now it's just a concept, but if I ever get around to putting it all down, you'll know where to find it.
BTW, one last merciless plug for our site, Bite Marks, which you can find here: mysite.verizon.net/res20mu2/ It houses all our fiction, as well as news and rumors about all things Angel/Buffy. Hubby updates it regularly, and I highly recommend checking out the sketches my hubby did, as well as the funny pics of the cast. James' bare butt, anyone??
So, drop me a review and let me know what ya thought about Through the Barricades, my latest labor of Spuffy love.
When he had relaxed his tense body somewhat, Buffy knelt down beside him. She ran her fingers through his hair, smoothing it where he had mussed. He stayed on his hands and knees for a moment before sitting up beside her. He smiled wearily, despite the tears streaming down his face. "I think.....I think it's over. I mean.....I think we're whole again. I feel.....it. But not us. Just me. Ruffian and ponce. Same guy now." Spike sighed and ran a hand over his face, wiping away the tears. "You sure that's ok with you, luv?" he asked, not able to look at her yet.
Buffy smiled, not bothering to hold back her own tears. "More than ok, baby. It's what I've been wanting all along. Even before you went for your soul." He finally looked at her, confused. She smiled wider and took his face in her hands. "You're always my Big Bad, and I love that about you. And you let me see your tenderness, and I love that too. But I could always tell you were holding back. Like you thought if you said too many sweet words or showed too much softness that I wouldn't want you. Like maybe you also thought because I'm such a tough chick that only a tough guy will do for me. So you hid part of yourself away. You forced it down. We can call that part 'William', if you want, but it was still a part of you that you kept from me. You let it slip, sometimes, in the way you'd look at me. Or the words you would say when you thought I was asleep. But you forget, Spike, I fell in love with the you who recited poems to me on my first day back from heaven. The you who wrote songs for me. I was fragile then, so you were delicate with me. Then when I got stronger, I guess you assumed I'd have no use for your delicateness, your poems, your songs, your tears. But you're wrong. I want it all. I need it all. Because I need all of you. I don't love you in parts, baby. I love all of you." She gave him a firm kiss on the nose and released his face. "Sorry about the nose, by the way."
Spike took a deep breath. "Still a little scared, luv."
Buffy rolled her eyes. "God, how many times do I have to tell you, I love-- "
"--No, I know that. I believe that, I really do. It's just....." He stared at his clasped hands in his lap. "'ve done some bloody awful things. I mean, I've got a demon in me and the thought of it all drove me 'round the bend. Can't imagine what all that rot'll do to someone as pure as you." He finally looked up at her, fear in his eyes.
Buffy smiled. "I'm anything but pure, you of all people should know that." At his slight smile, she continued. "And I know the things you've done.....well, not the exact things you've done. But I can imagine. I mean, I dated Angelus, if you recall. If you did worse than him, I'd actually be impressed rather than disappointed." She got another little smile out of him. "And we don't have to talk about any of that if you don't want to. But I really think it would be a good thing. Good to get it all out. But only if you want. Don't want to be pushy girl here."
Spike shook his head. "Can't get it *all* out, luv. It's not the facts and figures that haunt me. It's the sights and sounds. The looks of terror on people's faces, knowing I was the cause of it. The screams. The dead bodies hitting the ground. But even worse than that, it's me. Me and Dru, makin' love covered in some poor bloke's blood. I loved it. I reveled in it. It made me feel alive. After I killed my first slayer....." Spike shook his head.
Buffy put her hand on his arm. "I want to hear it all, Spike."
He shook his head again and stood. "No one wants to hear this stuff."
Buffy moved to the couch and he joined her. "Ok, so it's not pleasant conversation, I agree. But I think we both *need* for me to hear this. Tell me about your first slayer."
And he told her. He told her about drinking from the slayer. About making love with Drusilla a few yards from the body. About all the others he killed during the Boxer Rebellion, the ones he could remember, at any rate. Deep into the night, he told her about the first child he killed, the first woman he raped, the first person he used a railroad spike on. She was his confessor, and he let it all out and begged forgiveness many times over that night. When he sobbed, she held him. When he couldn't speak, she whispered loving words to him. She internalized her disgust at the stories, reassuring herself that those were actions of a Spike that was gone long before he went for his soul.
Eventually, she was able to detach what she was hearing from what she needed to do for Spike. He needed this, he needed to tell her his evil deeds. Needed her to forgive him, since his victims were no longer able to dispense absolution. And she did. She forgave him every death, every painful torture, every malicious rape, all of it, because this man before her committed none of those crimes, but felt the full weight of the actions. He was a different man, a new man. But he had to get past the old first.
During one spell of crying, she discovered that he had actually fallen asleep in her lap as she stroked his head. He still whimpered and let out the occasional sob, but he was asleep. The day was wearing heavily on her, as well, and soon she laid her head back for a moment's respite and quickly drowsed off.
**
About an hour before sunrise, Spike woke with a pained yell, bolting up from Buffy's lap. She woke also, scared beyond belief. "What? Spike, what is it? What's wrong?"
"Oh, god. They......This is why he usually wakes and not me." Spike laid his head back and crossed his arms over his face.
"Spike? Talk to me, baby," Buffy begged, concern written clearly on her face.
"Just.....dreams. Nightmares. The same, but always different. It's not over, you know. Just because I'm whole again and I.....told you all that rot.....doesn't mean it's over."
Buffy nodded. "I know. I didn't expect it to be over. It's just a step we took. Well, a couple of giant steps, actually. But I know we've got more to go, Spike. I'm here for it. All of it. The only way you're going to make it through is if you believe that. Believe in us, our love. Believe that we can make things right again. Because we can. And no, you will never be the same again, but that's kind of the point, isn't it? You don't want to be that same guy, and you're not. And yeah, I don't think you'll ever not feel guilty. But unless you want to take a weekend in LA for brooding lessons from this guy I know, you have to let me in. I mean it, don't shut me out of what's happening to you, or this all goes down the drain."
Spike sat forward and looked at her. "Brooding lessons......"
Buffy gave him a stern look. "Spike, I'm serious."
A sigh. "Yeah, I got that. It's just.....still hard. I mean, I feel like I should be protecting you from my past, not shoving it down your throat."
Buffy took his hand. "Look, you told me some atrocious stuff last night. And guess what? Still love you. And if tomorrow you tell me something even worse, you got it, still gonna love you. I can take it all. I'm a pretty tough chick, if you haven't noticed. There's only one thing I can't take from you, and that's being on the outside. You worked so hard for me to let you in, and I did, and I've never been happier. Now, if I have to work 10 times as hard, so be it. But you can make my job a lot easier by just smoothing the way. I mean, if I have to punch you in the nose 25 times a day to get you to talk to me, I can do that too, because, to be honest.....kinda gets me hot." When he gave her a sly little smile, her face softened. "Baby, you know I'm right."
Spike nodded. "I know. I just have that drive to......no, I know, you don't need protected by the likes of me. But sometimes it's hard to get started, I think."
Buffy cocked her head to one side. "Need some persuasion, do you?"
He smiled and shook his head. "Not *that* kind of persuasion. I mean, not that I'd ever say no to that kind....." He gave her a suggestive waggle of his eyebrows and she chuckled.
"Don't worry, I know just how.....handle you. I won't let up, because it's all for your own good. Now, about *that* kind of persuasion.....seems to me you *have* said no recently....." Buffy let the playful accusation hang between them.
Spike stood up. "That's cuz I was a bleedin' split-in-two ponce. I've got no such malady now." He scooped her up from the couch. They kissed softly as he carried her up the stairs, feeling no need for an urgent coupling.
When he laid her on the bed, she smiled up at him. "Spike?"
"Yeah, luv?"
"Let's just sleep a bit more for now. I think I'm really drained."
Spike sighed in relief. "Oh, thank god, I'm not sure I could have given you a proper seein' to, m'self. I'm knackered, pet. And I don't want our first time since I've been back to be sub par, ya know?"
"It never is, with you, baby." Buffy raised her head and gave him another gentle kiss.
"Well, seein' as how par is makin' you come 5 times, I think I could only manage 3 and a half in my current condition." He grinned evilly at her.
She raised her eyebrows. "Since when did you set par so high?"
Spike shrugged. "Got a lot of things to make up for in my life. One of 'em being leavin' you alone for several months. High and dry without your Big Bad to give you the good stuff. Gotta make up for it in my own special way." Spike laid down beside Buffy, letting her nestle her head on his chest. He stroked her golden hair until her breathing evened, slowed.
She was almost asleep when he heard her ask, "Spike? What's a half an orgasm like?"
His chuckled rumbled through his chest, jostling her head a bit. He bent his head down and kissed the top of her head. "I promise I'll show you later, luv."
As her breathing and steady heartbeat soothed him to sleep, Spike was certain he had finally found himself. He was a fixer-upper, no doubt, but she thought he was a keeper, and that was all that mattered. He believed with all his heart that she would be with him through thick and thin. For the first time in his existence, he felt he belonged, completely, right where he was. Spike felt like he was more than he had ever been. He was more than a monster. He was more than a man.
He was hers.
**
The End
Well, another semi-saga ended. To be honest, there was probably a little more story that could have been told, but I like to leave my Spuffy on a note of uncertain optimism! Many thanks to the faithful and positive reviews of Mel, KeepTheFaith, TheChosen1, WickedWiccan, Shan-suedluvsbitch, Atterb, Wolf116, and everyone else who took the time to drop me a line. You guys are what make my hobby a passion! And muchas gracias to Jim Marsters(oh yeah, that's right, he asked that I call him Jim...James is just so...formal. And to be honest, sounds a little rigid in the heat of passion..ahem) for gracing my mind's eye every time I write Spike. He's what makes my passion an obsession! And finally, thanks to my hubby/beta, Cellar Dweller, who not only teases me mercilessly that he can pick out my grammar/spelling errors even though he's not a native English speaker, but who also puts up with my insane lust for all things Spike.
Anyway, it's been fun and I'm working on another Spuffy story about (another) alternate season 6 where Buffy first meets Spike after he already has a soul. Kind of like a fresh start for Spuffy, without the messy seasons 2-6 history. Right now it's just a concept, but if I ever get around to putting it all down, you'll know where to find it.
BTW, one last merciless plug for our site, Bite Marks, which you can find here: mysite.verizon.net/res20mu2/ It houses all our fiction, as well as news and rumors about all things Angel/Buffy. Hubby updates it regularly, and I highly recommend checking out the sketches my hubby did, as well as the funny pics of the cast. James' bare butt, anyone??
So, drop me a review and let me know what ya thought about Through the Barricades, my latest labor of Spuffy love.