"Jounochi?"
"Yes?" I said softly.
"We have school tomorrow. Do you think you know all the English?"
I had returned to my puppeteer. A puppet can't fake being alive without someone to pull the strings.
"Yeah, sure."
"So does life go back to normal? You walk out of here and we never look at each other again?" He came over and smacked me. "Or do we keep going on like this?"
It had already been ten days. Hard to believe what had happened in only ten days. Am I crazier than I was before we began?
Yes.
Or was I sane before all this?
He straddled me, holding me close, sucking on my neck.
"Kaiba..." I whispered.
"Yes?" he whispered into my neck.
"Would it even be possible? Can you go back from this?"
"I can go back to anything I want to, Jounochi. I control my life."
"No you don't."
He stared at me. He didn't smack me like I expected. Just stared. "Explain."
"We're all crazy."
He leaned in, smiling, petting my hair. "Maybe we are. But is being crazy being possessed? Being controlled by demons and Satan? Or is being crazy taking control? Pulling out of life and living where only we have an affect? I look at you and I couldn't feel less. You have no effect on me. I am in control of my life. Completely. I can't control what's out there," he waved his hand dismissive, "but I can control what's here, what's me. If that's being crazy, then yes, I'm nuts. But you see, Jounochi, you can't control yourself. You're worse than everyone out there because you need them." He waved his hand towards the window. "You need someone here and so you're worse than crazy. There's no word for someone like you."
"I'm sad," I whispered.
"You're pathetic, Jounochi, that's what you are."
I didn't look at him as he left. I wasn't sure where he was going or how long he'd be gone.
I felt alone. Lost, confused.
Who was I?
If I wasn't even crazy, what was I?
Why did I need to label myself? Because I didn't even know who I was? I had always been whatever I had lost myself in. So without someone or something to loose myself, I'm nothing. But I can't be nothing.
I walked over to a mirror, zombie-like. I stared at the reflection. I didn't see what was there. I saw the mask. The dark brown eyes, the wild, wavy blonde hair. The set jaw and the faint scars peaking out from my shirt.
"Who am I?" I asked aloud.
If I was nothing inside, what was I outside? A boy. A decent looking boy. I've been told I'm even good looking. But is that what I am? No. Look deeper. I got within inches of the mirror, begging it to tell me what I was. I fell to my knees, still staring into the eyes of my reflection.
"Tell me who I am!" I demanded.
When nothing was divulged to me, I hit the dresser hard. "Tell me who I am!" I yelled, hitting the drawers over and over.
I stopped, gasping, my knuckles bleeding. I glanced at one of the drawers that had gotten jarred open. Something shiny caught my eye. I opened the drawer wider, pulling the item out.
A loaded gun.
I pointed the gun at my reflection. "Who am I?" I whispered.
"I am sad," I answered back.
Then shot the gun.
The bullet hit the mirror and shattered it.
The pieces rebounded off and blasted me in the face.
I fell back, dropping the gun. I laid on my back, staring up at the ceiling feeling my eyes fill with tears. They fell down my face, burning in the cuts, deluding the blood.
I gasped as I laid there in shock. "I'm sad," I whispered. I let out a sick laugh and began chanting it. "I'm sad, I'm sad, I'm sad, I'm sad..."
~~~
Kaiba found me like this, laughing, crying, chanting, gasping.
How could he say I wasn't crazy?
Well, I'm not.
I'm sad.
~~~
"Yes?" I said softly.
"We have school tomorrow. Do you think you know all the English?"
I had returned to my puppeteer. A puppet can't fake being alive without someone to pull the strings.
"Yeah, sure."
"So does life go back to normal? You walk out of here and we never look at each other again?" He came over and smacked me. "Or do we keep going on like this?"
It had already been ten days. Hard to believe what had happened in only ten days. Am I crazier than I was before we began?
Yes.
Or was I sane before all this?
He straddled me, holding me close, sucking on my neck.
"Kaiba..." I whispered.
"Yes?" he whispered into my neck.
"Would it even be possible? Can you go back from this?"
"I can go back to anything I want to, Jounochi. I control my life."
"No you don't."
He stared at me. He didn't smack me like I expected. Just stared. "Explain."
"We're all crazy."
He leaned in, smiling, petting my hair. "Maybe we are. But is being crazy being possessed? Being controlled by demons and Satan? Or is being crazy taking control? Pulling out of life and living where only we have an affect? I look at you and I couldn't feel less. You have no effect on me. I am in control of my life. Completely. I can't control what's out there," he waved his hand dismissive, "but I can control what's here, what's me. If that's being crazy, then yes, I'm nuts. But you see, Jounochi, you can't control yourself. You're worse than everyone out there because you need them." He waved his hand towards the window. "You need someone here and so you're worse than crazy. There's no word for someone like you."
"I'm sad," I whispered.
"You're pathetic, Jounochi, that's what you are."
I didn't look at him as he left. I wasn't sure where he was going or how long he'd be gone.
I felt alone. Lost, confused.
Who was I?
If I wasn't even crazy, what was I?
Why did I need to label myself? Because I didn't even know who I was? I had always been whatever I had lost myself in. So without someone or something to loose myself, I'm nothing. But I can't be nothing.
I walked over to a mirror, zombie-like. I stared at the reflection. I didn't see what was there. I saw the mask. The dark brown eyes, the wild, wavy blonde hair. The set jaw and the faint scars peaking out from my shirt.
"Who am I?" I asked aloud.
If I was nothing inside, what was I outside? A boy. A decent looking boy. I've been told I'm even good looking. But is that what I am? No. Look deeper. I got within inches of the mirror, begging it to tell me what I was. I fell to my knees, still staring into the eyes of my reflection.
"Tell me who I am!" I demanded.
When nothing was divulged to me, I hit the dresser hard. "Tell me who I am!" I yelled, hitting the drawers over and over.
I stopped, gasping, my knuckles bleeding. I glanced at one of the drawers that had gotten jarred open. Something shiny caught my eye. I opened the drawer wider, pulling the item out.
A loaded gun.
I pointed the gun at my reflection. "Who am I?" I whispered.
"I am sad," I answered back.
Then shot the gun.
The bullet hit the mirror and shattered it.
The pieces rebounded off and blasted me in the face.
I fell back, dropping the gun. I laid on my back, staring up at the ceiling feeling my eyes fill with tears. They fell down my face, burning in the cuts, deluding the blood.
I gasped as I laid there in shock. "I'm sad," I whispered. I let out a sick laugh and began chanting it. "I'm sad, I'm sad, I'm sad, I'm sad..."
~~~
Kaiba found me like this, laughing, crying, chanting, gasping.
How could he say I wasn't crazy?
Well, I'm not.
I'm sad.
~~~