TITLE: One heart beat for every lost day.
AUTHOR: faith_in_Faith
E-MAIL: faith_in_Faith@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER: Don't owe a thing, just borrow and play.
RATING: PG-13
SPOILERS: We are in season three, after "Childhood memories."
AUTHORS NOTE: Thanks Carina and Jenny you're the best beta-readers a girl can have! Thanks Wine-into-water what would I ever do without you. and BIG THANKS to all of you doing the reviews: You make my spirit fly!
CHAPTER NINE
Bosco sat in his car outside Anna's apartment building, his head in his hands, and wondered if he really should have come there at all. Faith's words were echoing in his mind:
"She told me she wanted you to come home."
He really needed those words to be true. He really needed Anna right now, but he had no right to ask for a thing like that, no right at all. The only thing he should do was let her go, to convince her that she needed to go on with her life without him, that she would be far better off that way, but he didn't have enough strength to do so. He needed her too much; he couldn't go on without her anymore, he knew that.
He needed to make things right, to try to fix the past. The thing was he didn't know if it was possible, all he knew was that when he looked her in the eyes, all he saw was love, and she had said she wanted him to come home. It had to mean something, because that was what she always said back then when he screwed up. "No matter what it is, just come home and we sort it out, you know I love you." It was a strange thing to say considering that they had never lived together, but that was what she always said and that always made him feel safe.
Anna heard a faint knock at the door and quickly went to open it, knowing it was Bosco and afraid he would change his mind if she weren't quick enough. She knew it was now or never, if she could make him feel safe like she had in the past, then maybe he would come back to her for good.
"Hi," he said quietly, his hands in his jeans pockets.
"Hi," she answered and gave him a reassuring smile, hoping that he would feel that she really wanted him to be there.
He looked exhausted. His face was pale and unshaven, his eyes bloodshot and the hunted look in them almost as bad as at that terrible day twelve years ago.
"Come on in and sit down, you look like you need it," she said and gently took him by his arm and squeezed it lightly.
Bosco looked at Anna and felt his knees go weak, once again all he saw in her eyes was love and he suddenly realized how tired he was, and he let her guide him to the couch.
"Do you want anything to drink? Are you hungry?" she asked, and looked at him from top to toe like she was searching for injuries, a bad habit from the past.
He just shook his head and remained silent, just wanting to feel this safe and comfortable forever.
Anna sat down on the coffee table in front of him and gently took his hands between hers.
"Do you wanna tell me what happened?" she asked carefully, worried about the anguish in his eyes.
Bosco considered for a moment to say no, but back then he always told her what was wrong and if he wanted to have her back he couldn't start with distrust.
"I screwed up, I screwed up big time."
"At work?"
He nodded tiredly.
"What happened?" she asked gently and tried to catch his gaze but he averted his eyes.
"I let a woman get hurt. I failed to protect her because I didn't want to see what I saw, because I'm an idiot."
He lifted his head and looked her in the eyes as he said in a pained voice:
"I failed her, just as I did with you, and my mom and everybody else I'm supposed to protect."
Anna's heart broke when she saw the enormous guilt in his eyes.
"Bosco," she said gently, "it's not true and you know it. You did your best, just like you always do."
"I can't be particularly good at protecting people if this is what happens when I do my best, " he answered in a raspy voice and buried his head in her lap.
They sat in silence for a while and Anna gently ran her hand through his hair over and over again, finally Bosco said:
"Why did you tell Faith you wanted me to come home?"
"Because I wanted you to."
"Why?"
"You know I always want you to come home, no matter what, I love you."
"Why?" he asked almost inaudible.
"Because you're the best thing that ever happened to me, because I feel safe with you, because I can't live without you!" she said and took his head in her hands and forced him to look at her.
"Well you can't save me this time," he said and looked at her, sadness in his eyes.
"Yes I can," she said gently, sliding down at the couch beside him.
He shook his head. " No you can't. It's too late; I'm too messed up. I'm not the same as I was twelve years ago," he said tiredly.
"Neither am I, but that isn't important, the important thing is; do you WANT me to save you?" Anna said and looked at him intensely.
"Do you want to save me?" Bosco asked, his voice challenging her.
"Yes."
"Why?" he asked doubtfully.
"Because I need you to save me!" Anna said in a shaky voice, as she tried to hold back her tears.
He looked at her in surprise. " Save you from what? Can't you see that the safest place for you is away from me?"
She shook her head. "You're wrong. It's the other way around. It's only when I'm with you that I'm safe, did I look safe when you found me on my kitchen floor?"
Bosco winced at the memory, but shook his head. "Anna," he said gently, "you know that isn't true. I only end up hurting you all the time. You know you're better off without me."
"No," Anna whispered as she tried hard to suppress her tears. "You're wrong. The only time you hurt me is when you leave me. All the times you really hurt me, all the times I suffered because of you was when you left me, not when you were with me. I NEVER wanted you to leave. You were the one who told me it would be better that way. I can't remember that I agreed!"
The pain and hurt in her voice and eyes made it difficult for Bosco to breath.
"Anna, " he said pleadingly. "You don't understand; I did it because I love you. I didn't want to hurt you."
"But you did," she whispered.
"I know," he whispered back and gently wiped away the lonely tear that had escaped from her eye.
"And you're wrong," she continued." I do understand. You didn't run away because you were afraid of hurting me, you were afraid I would hurt you. You ran away because you were afraid to love and be loved."
He looked into her beautiful blue eyes and knew she was right. "I'm not very good at loving people, I don't know how to do it," he whispered.
"Yes you are!" Anna said, "You're really good at loving people, the thing you can't handle is to BE loved." Bosco didn't answer, he just reached out and pulled her close to him and buried his face in her hair.
"It's time to stop running Bosco, " Anna said, her eyes filled with tears and the sorrow evident in her voice, "please let me save you, please let us love you. We wouldn't hurt you, I promise."
"But I let you down," his voice was barely a whisper.
"Yes you did, and I'm not gonna lie to you, It was the worst time in my life. I thought I would die. You left me to deal with things by myself, telling me it was for the best, making me feel like all I ever was to you, were another problem to solve. Then Joshua died, leaving me without anything left to remind me of you and no one to love. I've never felt so lonely in my entire life," Anna said and could no longer stop herself from crying.
It took Bosco all he had not to cry himself as he pulled away from her and wiped away her tears. "I'm sorry, " he whispered unhappily, "I'm so sorry, please don't cry."
"Why didn't you come back?" she cried uncontrollably now. He pulled her back in his embrace and whispered with his lips against her hair:
"I didn't want to hurt you any further."
"But can't you see I was hurt because you weren't there! I always am. All I wanted then, and all I want now, is to be with you, no matter what;" she sobbed and pulled away from him.
"But why? I failed you the last time, how can you trust me this time?"
"Forget it, it's in the past. Try to forgive yourself, I have."
"But what if I fail again?" he whispered, despair in his voice.
"You won't. We'll make this work, together. Please Bosco don't leave me again. That's the only time you really hurt me," she said and looked at him pleadingly, her eyes bright and her face wet with tears.
Bosco looked back at her and put his hand on her cheek, once again wiping away her tears.
"I don't want to leave, I love you, I'm not sure I can do this alone anymore," he whispered and she could see the tears in his eyes. She smiled through her own tears. There it was, he had said it. He loved her; he needed her just as much as she needed him, like always.
"Then just stay," she said and rested her head against his chest.
Anna lay on her side in the bed and looked at Bosco who was sprawled out, lying on his stomach, sleeping peacefully. He had finally fallen asleep an hour ago of pure exhaustion. He'd promised her over and over again that this time he'd do it right, this time he wouldn't fail her. She wasn't so sure about that. She knew he would try, both of them would, but she wasn't so sure they were going to make it, they never had before, but she really didn't care. He was back with her and for now that was all that mattered.
She sighed and shifted so that she lay on her back, staring at the ceiling. It wasn't like she didn't know this probably was an idiotic thing to do, that it probably was going to end up in disaster, but she couldn't help herself. Although her brain kept telling her that he was right, she was probably better off without him, her heart was telling her differently. The truth was: It was only without him that she was unhappy. That wasn't just something she had said to make him feel better. It was the truth. As long as he was around, life was fine. Complicated, yes, but fine. Without him, life was complicated and horrible. So the way she saw it, the only thing she could do was to once again take a chance on him, to once again try to save herself by saving him. This time she was afraid though, because behind that, for her, so familiar hunted look in his eyes, she had seen a glimpse of something else, a glimpse of utter despair. She'd never seen it there before and it frightened her. Maybe he was right; maybe it was too late to save him this time.
AUTHOR: faith_in_Faith
E-MAIL: faith_in_Faith@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER: Don't owe a thing, just borrow and play.
RATING: PG-13
SPOILERS: We are in season three, after "Childhood memories."
AUTHORS NOTE: Thanks Carina and Jenny you're the best beta-readers a girl can have! Thanks Wine-into-water what would I ever do without you. and BIG THANKS to all of you doing the reviews: You make my spirit fly!
CHAPTER NINE
Bosco sat in his car outside Anna's apartment building, his head in his hands, and wondered if he really should have come there at all. Faith's words were echoing in his mind:
"She told me she wanted you to come home."
He really needed those words to be true. He really needed Anna right now, but he had no right to ask for a thing like that, no right at all. The only thing he should do was let her go, to convince her that she needed to go on with her life without him, that she would be far better off that way, but he didn't have enough strength to do so. He needed her too much; he couldn't go on without her anymore, he knew that.
He needed to make things right, to try to fix the past. The thing was he didn't know if it was possible, all he knew was that when he looked her in the eyes, all he saw was love, and she had said she wanted him to come home. It had to mean something, because that was what she always said back then when he screwed up. "No matter what it is, just come home and we sort it out, you know I love you." It was a strange thing to say considering that they had never lived together, but that was what she always said and that always made him feel safe.
Anna heard a faint knock at the door and quickly went to open it, knowing it was Bosco and afraid he would change his mind if she weren't quick enough. She knew it was now or never, if she could make him feel safe like she had in the past, then maybe he would come back to her for good.
"Hi," he said quietly, his hands in his jeans pockets.
"Hi," she answered and gave him a reassuring smile, hoping that he would feel that she really wanted him to be there.
He looked exhausted. His face was pale and unshaven, his eyes bloodshot and the hunted look in them almost as bad as at that terrible day twelve years ago.
"Come on in and sit down, you look like you need it," she said and gently took him by his arm and squeezed it lightly.
Bosco looked at Anna and felt his knees go weak, once again all he saw in her eyes was love and he suddenly realized how tired he was, and he let her guide him to the couch.
"Do you want anything to drink? Are you hungry?" she asked, and looked at him from top to toe like she was searching for injuries, a bad habit from the past.
He just shook his head and remained silent, just wanting to feel this safe and comfortable forever.
Anna sat down on the coffee table in front of him and gently took his hands between hers.
"Do you wanna tell me what happened?" she asked carefully, worried about the anguish in his eyes.
Bosco considered for a moment to say no, but back then he always told her what was wrong and if he wanted to have her back he couldn't start with distrust.
"I screwed up, I screwed up big time."
"At work?"
He nodded tiredly.
"What happened?" she asked gently and tried to catch his gaze but he averted his eyes.
"I let a woman get hurt. I failed to protect her because I didn't want to see what I saw, because I'm an idiot."
He lifted his head and looked her in the eyes as he said in a pained voice:
"I failed her, just as I did with you, and my mom and everybody else I'm supposed to protect."
Anna's heart broke when she saw the enormous guilt in his eyes.
"Bosco," she said gently, "it's not true and you know it. You did your best, just like you always do."
"I can't be particularly good at protecting people if this is what happens when I do my best, " he answered in a raspy voice and buried his head in her lap.
They sat in silence for a while and Anna gently ran her hand through his hair over and over again, finally Bosco said:
"Why did you tell Faith you wanted me to come home?"
"Because I wanted you to."
"Why?"
"You know I always want you to come home, no matter what, I love you."
"Why?" he asked almost inaudible.
"Because you're the best thing that ever happened to me, because I feel safe with you, because I can't live without you!" she said and took his head in her hands and forced him to look at her.
"Well you can't save me this time," he said and looked at her, sadness in his eyes.
"Yes I can," she said gently, sliding down at the couch beside him.
He shook his head. " No you can't. It's too late; I'm too messed up. I'm not the same as I was twelve years ago," he said tiredly.
"Neither am I, but that isn't important, the important thing is; do you WANT me to save you?" Anna said and looked at him intensely.
"Do you want to save me?" Bosco asked, his voice challenging her.
"Yes."
"Why?" he asked doubtfully.
"Because I need you to save me!" Anna said in a shaky voice, as she tried to hold back her tears.
He looked at her in surprise. " Save you from what? Can't you see that the safest place for you is away from me?"
She shook her head. "You're wrong. It's the other way around. It's only when I'm with you that I'm safe, did I look safe when you found me on my kitchen floor?"
Bosco winced at the memory, but shook his head. "Anna," he said gently, "you know that isn't true. I only end up hurting you all the time. You know you're better off without me."
"No," Anna whispered as she tried hard to suppress her tears. "You're wrong. The only time you hurt me is when you leave me. All the times you really hurt me, all the times I suffered because of you was when you left me, not when you were with me. I NEVER wanted you to leave. You were the one who told me it would be better that way. I can't remember that I agreed!"
The pain and hurt in her voice and eyes made it difficult for Bosco to breath.
"Anna, " he said pleadingly. "You don't understand; I did it because I love you. I didn't want to hurt you."
"But you did," she whispered.
"I know," he whispered back and gently wiped away the lonely tear that had escaped from her eye.
"And you're wrong," she continued." I do understand. You didn't run away because you were afraid of hurting me, you were afraid I would hurt you. You ran away because you were afraid to love and be loved."
He looked into her beautiful blue eyes and knew she was right. "I'm not very good at loving people, I don't know how to do it," he whispered.
"Yes you are!" Anna said, "You're really good at loving people, the thing you can't handle is to BE loved." Bosco didn't answer, he just reached out and pulled her close to him and buried his face in her hair.
"It's time to stop running Bosco, " Anna said, her eyes filled with tears and the sorrow evident in her voice, "please let me save you, please let us love you. We wouldn't hurt you, I promise."
"But I let you down," his voice was barely a whisper.
"Yes you did, and I'm not gonna lie to you, It was the worst time in my life. I thought I would die. You left me to deal with things by myself, telling me it was for the best, making me feel like all I ever was to you, were another problem to solve. Then Joshua died, leaving me without anything left to remind me of you and no one to love. I've never felt so lonely in my entire life," Anna said and could no longer stop herself from crying.
It took Bosco all he had not to cry himself as he pulled away from her and wiped away her tears. "I'm sorry, " he whispered unhappily, "I'm so sorry, please don't cry."
"Why didn't you come back?" she cried uncontrollably now. He pulled her back in his embrace and whispered with his lips against her hair:
"I didn't want to hurt you any further."
"But can't you see I was hurt because you weren't there! I always am. All I wanted then, and all I want now, is to be with you, no matter what;" she sobbed and pulled away from him.
"But why? I failed you the last time, how can you trust me this time?"
"Forget it, it's in the past. Try to forgive yourself, I have."
"But what if I fail again?" he whispered, despair in his voice.
"You won't. We'll make this work, together. Please Bosco don't leave me again. That's the only time you really hurt me," she said and looked at him pleadingly, her eyes bright and her face wet with tears.
Bosco looked back at her and put his hand on her cheek, once again wiping away her tears.
"I don't want to leave, I love you, I'm not sure I can do this alone anymore," he whispered and she could see the tears in his eyes. She smiled through her own tears. There it was, he had said it. He loved her; he needed her just as much as she needed him, like always.
"Then just stay," she said and rested her head against his chest.
Anna lay on her side in the bed and looked at Bosco who was sprawled out, lying on his stomach, sleeping peacefully. He had finally fallen asleep an hour ago of pure exhaustion. He'd promised her over and over again that this time he'd do it right, this time he wouldn't fail her. She wasn't so sure about that. She knew he would try, both of them would, but she wasn't so sure they were going to make it, they never had before, but she really didn't care. He was back with her and for now that was all that mattered.
She sighed and shifted so that she lay on her back, staring at the ceiling. It wasn't like she didn't know this probably was an idiotic thing to do, that it probably was going to end up in disaster, but she couldn't help herself. Although her brain kept telling her that he was right, she was probably better off without him, her heart was telling her differently. The truth was: It was only without him that she was unhappy. That wasn't just something she had said to make him feel better. It was the truth. As long as he was around, life was fine. Complicated, yes, but fine. Without him, life was complicated and horrible. So the way she saw it, the only thing she could do was to once again take a chance on him, to once again try to save herself by saving him. This time she was afraid though, because behind that, for her, so familiar hunted look in his eyes, she had seen a glimpse of something else, a glimpse of utter despair. She'd never seen it there before and it frightened her. Maybe he was right; maybe it was too late to save him this time.