TITLE: One heart beat for every lost day.
AUTHOR: faith_in_Faith
E-MAIL: faith_in_Faith@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER: Don't owe a thing, just borrow and play..
RATING: PG-13
SPOILER: Up to and including "Old dog, new tricks."
AUTHOR' S NOTE: Thanks to my loyal beta-readers Jenny and Carina for helping me correcting this, and to Wine_into_Water because without her there would be no story at all! BIG THANKS to all of you reviewing this!! You're so kind it you made my writing so much fun! And Eliza: I'm sorry, what you wished for isn't in this one.PLEASE continue to R&R!
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Anna sighed heavily as she put the key in the lock. She was incredibly late and incredibly tired, almost exhausted. She hadn't slept trough a whole night in almost two weeks. Samuel and Adam had been sick, the flu with an ear infection on top of it. Just to add to it, now when they were finally well again, it was her turn to work the night shift. Bosco had been great though, taking care of them in the mornings and letting her sleep a bit before his shift started, but still she was incredibly tired.
She really hoped that Bosco's shift hadn't been too hard yesterday, because if he hadn't been able to get out of bed to start making breakfast for the kids, they would be late for preschool. She sighed again and opened the door, somewhat happy that at least she didn't have to be afraid of getting beaten up because she was late.
"Hi," she said as she entered the kitchen.
"Where the hell have you been?" Bosco asked with an annoyed frown on his forehead.
Anna looked at him startled and memories from her marriage started to play in her head. She tried to suppress them as she answered.
"It was so much to do at work. I'm sorry. I really came as fast as I could," she said obediently.
Bosco saw the confused and almost scared look on her face and immediately regretted his words. He had acted like a jerk, as always.
"I'm sorry," he said and smiled at her. "I didn't mean to accuse you or something. It's just that I'm not so good at this stuff," he pointed at the pot with porridge on the stove.
"Let me do that," she said and smiled tiredly. She felt relieved. She could see that he too was really tired and that he didn't mean anything by it. She guessed last night's shift had been a bad one.
They all sat down to eat. Anna was so tired she could barely chew and she pretty much zoned out. She didn't notice that Adam was kicking his legs against the table over and over again, but suddenly Bosco lost his patience and said sternly:
" Stop it Adam! NOW!"
Adam jumped slightly, a mix of surprise, confusion and fear crossing his face.
"Yes sir. I'm sorry," he said quietly, looking down at the tabletop.
"Bosco!" Anna said in disbelief. "Don't you dare raise your voice against the children!"
Bosco closed his eyes. Great! Now he had scared the poor kids and made Anna angry with him. Could this day get any worse, he thought.
"I'm sorry. It's just that I had a terrible day at work and I didn't get much sleep. I'm sorry," he said in a regretful voice, looking pleadingly at Anna.
"Well so had I, and you don't hear me yelling at the boys, do you?" Anna said angrily, looking at Adam, who still looked at the tabletop, biting his lower lip.
"It's OK honey," she said and caressed his hair.
"I know, I'm sorry, " Bosco murmured, wishing he could turn back time. "Adam please forgives me. I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm just tired, OK? It was mean of me to take it out on you, please forgive me," he said and smiled unsurely at the boy.
Adam looked at him and smiled happily as he nodded his head. He wasn't afraid anymore. His father never apologized when he yelled at him, so that had to mean that Bosco was just as nice as Adam always had thought he was.
"Why don't you two go and put your clothes on. I'll be there in a minute to help you brush your teeth." Anna said as she stood up and started to clear the table.
"So, do you wanna tell me what's wrong?" she asked and looked at him.
"No."
"Bosco, I'm not in the mood to coax with you. If you don't want to tell me fine, but if you have something you want to share with me do it now. I've been working for almost ten hours and I want to go to bed!" Anna said impatiently. She was still angry with him for yelling at Adam.
"Its Mikey," Bosco said, a mix of sadness and anger in his voice.
"Mikey?" Anna said in surprise, "What has happened to him? Is he hurt?"
"No, he's running dope! In my precinct!" Bosco said angrily.
"What? Is Mikey using drugs?" Anna said in disbelief, and in her head she saw Bosco's kid brother. He had always been pretty quiet and, unlike Bosco, all the beating he had witnessed and taken hadn't made him angry. It had made him afraid. She remembered all the times Steven had picked Bosco up at the hospital. Mikey, always there, wordless, looking at them with big frightened eyes. She remembered how Steven used to put him to bed, telling him everything would be OK, and how he never fell asleep until Bosco had talked to him. Could he really have turned into a drug addict? Yes, she thought sadly, I made sense. He had to escape the memories somehow.
"Yes, as the looser he is! Yesterday I even had to arrest him!
"Did you really have to do that?"
"YES! I had to. I'm a cop for Christ's sake! I can't just walk away and let him do as he pleases because he's my brother!" Bosco almost shouted, his eyes flashing with anger.
"I'm sorry Bosco," she said quietly.
"Yeah? Well, I'm not. I think he's an idiot who got what's coming to him, and I'm NOT sorry for arresting him!" Bosco shouted furiously and took a step closer to Anna.
Anna winced at the anger in his voice and eyes and instinctively took a step back, pressing herself up against the kitchen counter. She wasn't really afraid of Bosco. She knew all to well the look in the eyes of a man who was about to hit a woman. Bosco's eyes didn't look anything like that, and she knew him. He could never do such a thing, but still she couldn't stop herself from moving. Eight years of beating had created a purely instinctive way of acting. When an angry person walks towards you, you try to get away. It was as simple as that, but today it was the wrong thing to do. Today that behavior was creating disaster, and she knew it in the same moment she saw Bosco's reaction.
The anger in his eyes immediately disappeared and was replaced by horror and despair. He raised his hands in front of him, like to show that he was unarmed, and slowly backed away as he said:
"Oh my God Anna! I'm so sorry. Please don't be afraid. I won't hurt you. I promise," he whispered and she could hear the panic in his voice.
"I know you won't," Anna said firmly and took a step towards him, but he continued to back away from her.
"I'm so sorry!" he said again. "You don't have to worry. I'll leave now. You don't have to be afraid of me anymore, I promise. You never have to see me again, OK?" The expression in his eyes was way beyond despair, it was. Anna couldn't even describe it, but it made her feel desperate. She had to get him to stay. She couldn't let him leave in this condition. She just couldn't.
"Bosco, please don't go! Please stay. We have to talk about this! You have to let me explain. It's not what you think, I'm not afraid of you. Please Bosco!" She begged, her voice almost as desperate as his.
"No", he shook his head. "No Anna, there's noting to talk about. I know I scared you. I know you're afraid of me, but you don't have to be that anymore. I'm not gonna stay around until I hurt you. I won't create a new hell for you! I just won't," he said firmly as he turned around and started to walk towards the door.
"Bosco, NO please! Don't just leave like this! We have to talk about it! PLEASE!" Anna cried, but he just continued to walk.
"BOSCO WAIT!" Anna cried again as the door slammed shut and he was gone.
Anna slid down on the floor and buried her head in her hands. Oh God, please help me, she thought. What have I done? How am I ever gonna fix this? How could this happen? Of all the things she had imagined that could go wrong between them, this wasn't even on the list. Suddenly she felt a tiny hand on her shoulder and looked up to meet Samuel's frightened eyes.
" Mom you're OK? Did he hurt you?" Adam asked in a shaky voice from behind his brother.
"Yes I'm OK, and no he didn't hurt me. He would never do that," she said as she embraced them both.
"Then why did he leave?" Samuel asked.
"Because he was afraid."
"Of what?" Adam asked, confused. He didn't think Bosco was afraid of anything.
"Himself, and a ghost from the past," Anna said sadly.
"But there are no ghosts, they aren't real," Samuel said.
"No they aren't, but Bosco doesn't know that," Anna said absently as she stared at the closed door. ***** Bosco unlocked the door to his apartment and collapsed on the couch. He sat there and looked down at his trembling hands and he couldn't believe that he had almost used them to hit Anna. Anna, who never had been anything but loyal and supportive to him, Anna, who probably was the only one that had ever really loved him, Anna, who already been through hell. He just couldn't believe it.
The thing that scared him the most was that he hadn't even been aware of what he was about to do. When he took that step closer to Anna he had no intention of hitting her. At least not in his conscious mind, but obviously he had, in his subconscious mind. There was no doubt about it. He had seen the fear in Anna's eyes and the way she had reacted had only confirmed it. She thought he was going to hit her, and she ought to know, right? She had a lot of experience on that subject. If she saw in his eyes that he was going to beat her, then that was the truth. The more he thought about it the more sense it made to him. He had acted like his father the whole freaking morning. Getting pissed with her for being late, like she did it on purpose. Yelling at Adam for kicking the table. Taking his anger and frustration out on the people he was supposed to love and care about, just like his old man. He knew his worst nightmare had come true. He was just like father.
He suddenly realized that it was a good thing that he'd kept his apartment, because he had to live the rest of his sorry life alone, to keep himself from hurting any women. He would make sure he didn't come anywhere near Anna ever again. She would never have anything to fear from him again, that's for sure. He remembered how she'd begged him to stay, like the poor abused women always did, but at least he would do that differently from his father. He was going to stay away from women from now on. It was a good thing that he'd realized what he was like before it was too late. He looked down at his hands again and suddenly he felt sick to his stomach and he ran to the bathroom and threw up over and over again until there was nothing left in his stomach. Sitting on the cold bathroom floor he leaned his head against the bathtub and stared at the wall in front of him, but it wasn't the wall he saw. It was Anna, pressing herself against the kitchen counter to get away from him. He knew he was doomed. Nothing could save him now.
After about half an hour he stood up and went into the living room and called in sick. He couldn't face anyone today, least of all Faith. ******
Anna paced the kitchen floor over and over again, out of her mind of worry for Bosco. She had called his apartment numerous times since he left, getting his answering machine every time. She had left more messages then she could count, but he didn't call her back. She even went by his apartment last night, but he didn't answer the door and that scared her. She could barely breathe when she thought about how Bosco was probably beating himself up over what had happened. There was no doubt in her mind that he thought he was about to hit her, and she didn't even want to think about what that was doing to him. She had prayed to God that he, at least, would talk to Faith about it, but she doubted it. If he thought that he was about to hit her, he would never tell anyone.
It was two days now since her life once again turned into hell and she still couldn't believe how stupid she'd been. Thomas used to tell her that she couldn't do the simplest thing right, and she started to believe it was true. All she had had to do yesterday morning was to stand still, not move, how hard could it be? But no, she had to take that stupid step back and ruin everything. God, how she hated this room! It was like everything bad in her life happened in this kitchen. She stared angrily at the floor like the floor itself was responsible for all the bad things that had ever happened to her. She couldn't take it anymore. She had to see him. It was three hours until his shift was over and she decided to try to catch him when he left the station. He couldn't refuse to talk to her in front of everyone, right? She went over to the phone and dialed the number to the babysitter and then she went into the living room to talk to Samuel and Adam.
AUTHOR: faith_in_Faith
E-MAIL: faith_in_Faith@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER: Don't owe a thing, just borrow and play..
RATING: PG-13
SPOILER: Up to and including "Old dog, new tricks."
AUTHOR' S NOTE: Thanks to my loyal beta-readers Jenny and Carina for helping me correcting this, and to Wine_into_Water because without her there would be no story at all! BIG THANKS to all of you reviewing this!! You're so kind it you made my writing so much fun! And Eliza: I'm sorry, what you wished for isn't in this one.PLEASE continue to R&R!
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Anna sighed heavily as she put the key in the lock. She was incredibly late and incredibly tired, almost exhausted. She hadn't slept trough a whole night in almost two weeks. Samuel and Adam had been sick, the flu with an ear infection on top of it. Just to add to it, now when they were finally well again, it was her turn to work the night shift. Bosco had been great though, taking care of them in the mornings and letting her sleep a bit before his shift started, but still she was incredibly tired.
She really hoped that Bosco's shift hadn't been too hard yesterday, because if he hadn't been able to get out of bed to start making breakfast for the kids, they would be late for preschool. She sighed again and opened the door, somewhat happy that at least she didn't have to be afraid of getting beaten up because she was late.
"Hi," she said as she entered the kitchen.
"Where the hell have you been?" Bosco asked with an annoyed frown on his forehead.
Anna looked at him startled and memories from her marriage started to play in her head. She tried to suppress them as she answered.
"It was so much to do at work. I'm sorry. I really came as fast as I could," she said obediently.
Bosco saw the confused and almost scared look on her face and immediately regretted his words. He had acted like a jerk, as always.
"I'm sorry," he said and smiled at her. "I didn't mean to accuse you or something. It's just that I'm not so good at this stuff," he pointed at the pot with porridge on the stove.
"Let me do that," she said and smiled tiredly. She felt relieved. She could see that he too was really tired and that he didn't mean anything by it. She guessed last night's shift had been a bad one.
They all sat down to eat. Anna was so tired she could barely chew and she pretty much zoned out. She didn't notice that Adam was kicking his legs against the table over and over again, but suddenly Bosco lost his patience and said sternly:
" Stop it Adam! NOW!"
Adam jumped slightly, a mix of surprise, confusion and fear crossing his face.
"Yes sir. I'm sorry," he said quietly, looking down at the tabletop.
"Bosco!" Anna said in disbelief. "Don't you dare raise your voice against the children!"
Bosco closed his eyes. Great! Now he had scared the poor kids and made Anna angry with him. Could this day get any worse, he thought.
"I'm sorry. It's just that I had a terrible day at work and I didn't get much sleep. I'm sorry," he said in a regretful voice, looking pleadingly at Anna.
"Well so had I, and you don't hear me yelling at the boys, do you?" Anna said angrily, looking at Adam, who still looked at the tabletop, biting his lower lip.
"It's OK honey," she said and caressed his hair.
"I know, I'm sorry, " Bosco murmured, wishing he could turn back time. "Adam please forgives me. I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm just tired, OK? It was mean of me to take it out on you, please forgive me," he said and smiled unsurely at the boy.
Adam looked at him and smiled happily as he nodded his head. He wasn't afraid anymore. His father never apologized when he yelled at him, so that had to mean that Bosco was just as nice as Adam always had thought he was.
"Why don't you two go and put your clothes on. I'll be there in a minute to help you brush your teeth." Anna said as she stood up and started to clear the table.
"So, do you wanna tell me what's wrong?" she asked and looked at him.
"No."
"Bosco, I'm not in the mood to coax with you. If you don't want to tell me fine, but if you have something you want to share with me do it now. I've been working for almost ten hours and I want to go to bed!" Anna said impatiently. She was still angry with him for yelling at Adam.
"Its Mikey," Bosco said, a mix of sadness and anger in his voice.
"Mikey?" Anna said in surprise, "What has happened to him? Is he hurt?"
"No, he's running dope! In my precinct!" Bosco said angrily.
"What? Is Mikey using drugs?" Anna said in disbelief, and in her head she saw Bosco's kid brother. He had always been pretty quiet and, unlike Bosco, all the beating he had witnessed and taken hadn't made him angry. It had made him afraid. She remembered all the times Steven had picked Bosco up at the hospital. Mikey, always there, wordless, looking at them with big frightened eyes. She remembered how Steven used to put him to bed, telling him everything would be OK, and how he never fell asleep until Bosco had talked to him. Could he really have turned into a drug addict? Yes, she thought sadly, I made sense. He had to escape the memories somehow.
"Yes, as the looser he is! Yesterday I even had to arrest him!
"Did you really have to do that?"
"YES! I had to. I'm a cop for Christ's sake! I can't just walk away and let him do as he pleases because he's my brother!" Bosco almost shouted, his eyes flashing with anger.
"I'm sorry Bosco," she said quietly.
"Yeah? Well, I'm not. I think he's an idiot who got what's coming to him, and I'm NOT sorry for arresting him!" Bosco shouted furiously and took a step closer to Anna.
Anna winced at the anger in his voice and eyes and instinctively took a step back, pressing herself up against the kitchen counter. She wasn't really afraid of Bosco. She knew all to well the look in the eyes of a man who was about to hit a woman. Bosco's eyes didn't look anything like that, and she knew him. He could never do such a thing, but still she couldn't stop herself from moving. Eight years of beating had created a purely instinctive way of acting. When an angry person walks towards you, you try to get away. It was as simple as that, but today it was the wrong thing to do. Today that behavior was creating disaster, and she knew it in the same moment she saw Bosco's reaction.
The anger in his eyes immediately disappeared and was replaced by horror and despair. He raised his hands in front of him, like to show that he was unarmed, and slowly backed away as he said:
"Oh my God Anna! I'm so sorry. Please don't be afraid. I won't hurt you. I promise," he whispered and she could hear the panic in his voice.
"I know you won't," Anna said firmly and took a step towards him, but he continued to back away from her.
"I'm so sorry!" he said again. "You don't have to worry. I'll leave now. You don't have to be afraid of me anymore, I promise. You never have to see me again, OK?" The expression in his eyes was way beyond despair, it was. Anna couldn't even describe it, but it made her feel desperate. She had to get him to stay. She couldn't let him leave in this condition. She just couldn't.
"Bosco, please don't go! Please stay. We have to talk about this! You have to let me explain. It's not what you think, I'm not afraid of you. Please Bosco!" She begged, her voice almost as desperate as his.
"No", he shook his head. "No Anna, there's noting to talk about. I know I scared you. I know you're afraid of me, but you don't have to be that anymore. I'm not gonna stay around until I hurt you. I won't create a new hell for you! I just won't," he said firmly as he turned around and started to walk towards the door.
"Bosco, NO please! Don't just leave like this! We have to talk about it! PLEASE!" Anna cried, but he just continued to walk.
"BOSCO WAIT!" Anna cried again as the door slammed shut and he was gone.
Anna slid down on the floor and buried her head in her hands. Oh God, please help me, she thought. What have I done? How am I ever gonna fix this? How could this happen? Of all the things she had imagined that could go wrong between them, this wasn't even on the list. Suddenly she felt a tiny hand on her shoulder and looked up to meet Samuel's frightened eyes.
" Mom you're OK? Did he hurt you?" Adam asked in a shaky voice from behind his brother.
"Yes I'm OK, and no he didn't hurt me. He would never do that," she said as she embraced them both.
"Then why did he leave?" Samuel asked.
"Because he was afraid."
"Of what?" Adam asked, confused. He didn't think Bosco was afraid of anything.
"Himself, and a ghost from the past," Anna said sadly.
"But there are no ghosts, they aren't real," Samuel said.
"No they aren't, but Bosco doesn't know that," Anna said absently as she stared at the closed door. ***** Bosco unlocked the door to his apartment and collapsed on the couch. He sat there and looked down at his trembling hands and he couldn't believe that he had almost used them to hit Anna. Anna, who never had been anything but loyal and supportive to him, Anna, who probably was the only one that had ever really loved him, Anna, who already been through hell. He just couldn't believe it.
The thing that scared him the most was that he hadn't even been aware of what he was about to do. When he took that step closer to Anna he had no intention of hitting her. At least not in his conscious mind, but obviously he had, in his subconscious mind. There was no doubt about it. He had seen the fear in Anna's eyes and the way she had reacted had only confirmed it. She thought he was going to hit her, and she ought to know, right? She had a lot of experience on that subject. If she saw in his eyes that he was going to beat her, then that was the truth. The more he thought about it the more sense it made to him. He had acted like his father the whole freaking morning. Getting pissed with her for being late, like she did it on purpose. Yelling at Adam for kicking the table. Taking his anger and frustration out on the people he was supposed to love and care about, just like his old man. He knew his worst nightmare had come true. He was just like father.
He suddenly realized that it was a good thing that he'd kept his apartment, because he had to live the rest of his sorry life alone, to keep himself from hurting any women. He would make sure he didn't come anywhere near Anna ever again. She would never have anything to fear from him again, that's for sure. He remembered how she'd begged him to stay, like the poor abused women always did, but at least he would do that differently from his father. He was going to stay away from women from now on. It was a good thing that he'd realized what he was like before it was too late. He looked down at his hands again and suddenly he felt sick to his stomach and he ran to the bathroom and threw up over and over again until there was nothing left in his stomach. Sitting on the cold bathroom floor he leaned his head against the bathtub and stared at the wall in front of him, but it wasn't the wall he saw. It was Anna, pressing herself against the kitchen counter to get away from him. He knew he was doomed. Nothing could save him now.
After about half an hour he stood up and went into the living room and called in sick. He couldn't face anyone today, least of all Faith. ******
Anna paced the kitchen floor over and over again, out of her mind of worry for Bosco. She had called his apartment numerous times since he left, getting his answering machine every time. She had left more messages then she could count, but he didn't call her back. She even went by his apartment last night, but he didn't answer the door and that scared her. She could barely breathe when she thought about how Bosco was probably beating himself up over what had happened. There was no doubt in her mind that he thought he was about to hit her, and she didn't even want to think about what that was doing to him. She had prayed to God that he, at least, would talk to Faith about it, but she doubted it. If he thought that he was about to hit her, he would never tell anyone.
It was two days now since her life once again turned into hell and she still couldn't believe how stupid she'd been. Thomas used to tell her that she couldn't do the simplest thing right, and she started to believe it was true. All she had had to do yesterday morning was to stand still, not move, how hard could it be? But no, she had to take that stupid step back and ruin everything. God, how she hated this room! It was like everything bad in her life happened in this kitchen. She stared angrily at the floor like the floor itself was responsible for all the bad things that had ever happened to her. She couldn't take it anymore. She had to see him. It was three hours until his shift was over and she decided to try to catch him when he left the station. He couldn't refuse to talk to her in front of everyone, right? She went over to the phone and dialed the number to the babysitter and then she went into the living room to talk to Samuel and Adam.