Musings of the Mind

Miroku

When I was younger I came to accept that fact that I was destined to die alone. I came to terms with that fact as I was forced to watch from afar in Uncle Mushin's arms as my father left this world.

But that's not how I want it to be. I want "to go down fighting" as Kagome-sama puts it. To not give into death easily and to be surrounded by the faces I've grown to know and care about.

When I was younger I heard Mushin telling my father that he wanted to spend his last hours in a monastery garden; surrounded by sakura trees in full bloom and the soothing sound of running water over smooth rocks. With a pretty woman by his side and a bottle of sake in his hand. I think that sounds like a fitting way to die.....for an old man.

Ever since I've fiery taiji-ya known as Sango, I've begun to realize that I could never be satisfied to just calmly wait for this life to end. Should I happen to die in battle--and by the looks of things, that's probably how it's going to be--I want to be in the midst of the fighting with Sango near. I want to leave this world knowing that it will be free of that black stain known as Naraku and it's counterpart, Onigumo. And should it be fated that the vortex is my destined demise, I hope to take a very large portion of the true Naraku with me.

However, at the same time, I hope that I--that ALL of us live to see the completion and purification of the jewel. I wish to live out a long and happy life with many children and a loving wife. Perhaps somewhere in Kaede-sama's village, which I've come to adopt as my second home. Or maybe Sango and I could begin to rebuild a taiji-ya village close to her old home. But I dare not speak seriously of any of these hopes to Sango. For now I can not promise her any happiness in the future.... only pain.

Much like the pain and solitude I felt watching my father disappear. I could not do that to her, I couldn't leave her alone with a child, unborn or otherwise. Because I know all too well the feeling of despair.

I was only ten when my father's vortex sucked him in. I remember the whipping wind from his hand- cold and biting. There were no real last words or parting wisdom, just "Run, Miroku!" and "Stay away!" The last thing I remember was the thunderous echo as my father ceased to exist. Mushin told me that I had to be knocked out because I wouldn't stop screaming hysterically. I woke up late the next day and ran outside to find the lasting mark my father's demise left on the earth.

I stayed with Mushin until I was fifteen. The grass in the crater had still not grown back when I left. I traveled from town to town, performing exorcisms in exchange for food, shelter and other goods for myself for the first year and a half.

I remember when I first met Hachi. It was the autumn of my sixteenth year, the weather was too nasty to be traveling in, let alone just standing out there. I found my tanuki friend in a tiny cave, being terrorized by an insect youkai. Of what species, I can't be sure, only that I know I've never seen one of that nature before. Dealing with that youkai gain me my first shard and a place to rest until the storm had passed—payment of saving the furry and damp creature. After introductions were made, Hachi told me of some well off towns further down the well treaded road. We struck a deal in that cave—a bit of acting on our parts for the towns' sake and we would have food and I could find places to sleep for the nights I was there. We've been a team ever since.

Well, until I met Kagome-sama and Inu-Yasha that is. Buddah must have smiled the day our paths crossed. Now, by chance of fate, my companions and I set out together to collect the shards that will lead us in our search for Naraku.

I am content for us to be like this now, together and strong, though it is never certain what will happen next. Still, I can feel the painful tweak in my hand as the hellhole grows ever wider and I wonder how many more days I have left.

The sky has taken on the softest shade of grey and I can hear the first birds of the morning beginning to twitter. A good omen hopefully, I am always grateful to see another sunrise, I suppose that is why pre dawn is my favourite part of the day. The perfect time for self-reflections and to gather my thoughts. The embers have all but died in the fire and I use the end of my staff to stir them again, Kagome-sama and Sango will be pleased that there is still a fire left to cook and boil water with. I hear the trees rustle and know that Inu-Yasha will be wanting us to leave camp shortly after daybreak.

Sango sighs in her sleep and tenses slightly against Kirara.

I allow myself a small smile. I reach out the cursed hand to wake her, perhaps this morning we can watch the sun rise together….

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

So, I guess that's that.