TITLE: One heart beat for every lost day.
AUTHOR: faith_in_Faith
E-MAIL: faith_in_Faith@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER: Don't owe, just borrow.
RATING: PG-13
SPOILER: Up to and including season four.
AUTHORS NOTE: THANKS all of you for the wonderful reviews!! They make me more than happy! My usual thanks for making this story possible: Jenny, Carina and wine_into_ water!
OK a little warning: I know most of you love Bosco, and so do I. But I didn't like the way he acted this season so I'm gonna make him the bad guy here for awhile. Please forgive me and come along with me on this journey. I promise to make it up to you!
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN.
"It's nice of you to take the boys today. I owe you one," Anna said and smiled at Steven. He smiled back.
" It's no big deal. You know I love spending time with them, and since this is my day off." His voice trailed off as he noticed the tired and worried look in his sister's eyes.
"Is everything alright?" he asked gravely.
"Yeah everything is perfect, as always," Anna said sarcastically. Steven sighed.
"So Bosco is in trouble again?" he said and took a close look at her. She didn't look hurt, only worried, so at least Bosco hadn't been an ass to her this time.
"Is, or will be soon."
"Is he really worth it Anna?" Steven asked gently.
Anna just looked at him as if he had lost his mind or something. Steven sighed again.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"You can always pray."
"OK, but with all the praying that it's gonna take, you're gonna have to buy me a new pair of trousers."
"Steven!" Anna said, but she couldn't help the chuckle that escaped her lips.
"What?" Steven said with his eyes twinkling in amusement. "You know I'm right."
Anna smiled and shook her head." I'll pick the boys up around eight, OK?"
"OK, see you later."
"Yeah later."
***********
Faith sat at the table in the small café and played with her napkin. She was very nervous about this. She really didn't know if Anna would be able to deal with what she was about to tell her. They had become very good friends over the past six months. Anna had really been there for her. Even when things with Bosco started to turn into the mess it was in now, she had been nothing but supportive. But no matter how you put it, Bosco was the one that Anna loved. She was just the friend..Suddenly she spotted Anna walking through the door and she waved slightly so that she would be able to see her. Anna waved back and walked over to Faith.
"Hi," she said and smiled.
"Hi," Faith said and managed to give her a slight smile in return.
They looked at each other, and for a moment both of them could see their own tiredness and worry mirroring in the other woman's eyes. Anna sat down and ordered some coffee from the waitress, who had showed up by the table.
"So how come I have a feeling that this conversation is gonna be about Bosco?" Anna said sarcastically. Faith looked at her in surprise. She had never heard her talk like that before.
"Maybe because he's the reason you and I have a bad judgment club?" she answered dryly.
Anna smiled. "You're right, as always."
"So who's first?" Faith asked. Anna motioned with her hand at her.
"Be my guest." Faith looked down at her hands and took a deep breath.
"You know Bosco and I aren't getting along very well anymore?" she said self-consciously. She felt so stupid all of a sudden. It was hard to talk to Anna about this mess, because the way Faith saw it: She was the one to blame.
Anna nodded. "Yes and you're not the only one to blame. It takes two to tango you know."
"Thanks," Faith said and smiled weakly at her. Anna nodded her head again.
"Well a lot of things have gone wrong between us lately, but one way or another they all have to do with Anticrime and sergeant Cruz. She's.." Faith stopped and chewed on her lower lip for a second. She tried to come up with a nice way to explain what she thought about Cruz.
"An evil, backstabbing bitch?" Anna said cheerfully. Faith eyes widened a bit and she looked at Anna in utter surprise.
"Anna! I didn't even think you knew that kind of words!" she said in amusement.
"Come on Faith, of course I do. I live with Bosco remember? I know a couple of others that would fit her description perfect. Do you wanna hear them?" Anna asked, a hint of laughter in her voice. Faith raised her hands and laughed as she said:
"No thanks, I'm fine." Then she quickly grew serious again and said:
"You've met her?" Anna nodded.
"Yeah yesterday."
"Did you talk to her?"
"Yeah."
"What did she have to say?" "A lot of things, but basically she told me that Bosco was hers and that I'm gonna lose him soon. To her, I guess, or to that stupid job or something."
"I'm sorry Anna," Faith murmured, "but she's using him and he's following her around like a damn puppy. It's like he can't think one single thought on his own anymore."
"I know."
"So did you respond to her in any way?"
"Yeah, I told her that I don't play games that I can't win, and that no matter how hard she tries I'll win, because in the end he always comes running back to me."
"You really said that?"
"Yup."
Faith looked inquiring at Anna and tried to read her face. She really was full of surprises. Every time she thought she had her figured out, she showed a whole new side, but one thing Faith knew for sure. Anna was one of the strongest and most amazing women she had ever met.
"You've been through this before, haven't you?"
"Oh yes I have, several times," Anna said with a hint of resignation in her voice.
"Why Anna? Why does he want to be with her? I mean, I really thought he was happy now, at least with you. I know I haven't been the best partner lately, but Cruz she's.dangerous, she's."
"A bad cop, " Anna said quietly. Faith closed her eyes.
"Yeah. She's gonna bring him down. She's trouble I know that. Oh my God Anna! What have I done?"
"Faith," Anna said gently, "this is not your fault. It would have happened sooner or later anyway, no matter how great a partner you'd been. He would have gone to her anyway, or to someone else, like Hobart."
"But why?"
"Because he's an addict," Anna said simply. Faith looked at her like she was insane.
"What the hell do you mean? He isn't using any drugs!" she said angrily.
Anna smiled slightly. "It all depends on how you look at it. His old man really managed to screw up all of them badly, you know. I was there and it was horrible to see. What he did, created memories that none of them can handle. They have to escape them somehow. They have to find a way to forget, and they have all found their own drug to help them with that. For Rose it's alcohol, for Mikey it's dope and for Bosco it's adrenaline. To get adrenaline you have to feel fear, and to feel fear you have to do dangerous things. I think that's one of the reasons why he became a cop in the first place. I guess you feel fear at least once every shift, don't you?"
"He's always hated quiet shifts," Faith whispered.
"That proves my point exactly."
"But why isn't that enough anymore?"
Anna sighed," basically because of two things. First of all, all drugs crave higher and higher doses to maintain their effect. Adrenaline is no exception. Secondly: You and me, we make him feel safe. When he feels safe he has the time to think, and then the memories come back. He can't handle that, so the only way for him to stay sane is, in his opinion I'll might add, to get out and look for more fear."
Faith starred at her in horror. "My God, I think you're right. What are we gonna do?"
"Nothing. There's nothing we can do. It has always been this way."
"But Anna, this is gonna end up in disaster!" Faith said, clearly upset about the fact that Anna didn't seem to care. "He's gonna end up in big trouble. For Heaven's sake he might even get himself killed!"
"And you think I don't know that? I've seen it all before remember? All we can do is to sit back and wait until he comes and asks for help, and you know that too. If you take the time to look back in the past you know you've seen it all before, just not this bad," Anna said in a shaky voice, and Faith could see that she tried hard not to cry.
Faith felt bad for jumping on her like that. She was right. She had seen it all before, just as Anna had said. Just not this bad, and not so clearly connected to their partner- and friendship. She couldn't help wondering how Anna had managed to survive things like this before, and still love Bosco as much as she did.
"I'm sorry, "she said regretfully. "I didn't mean to jump on you. It's just that it's so hard. She's destroying it, you know, our friendship." Her voice had become more and more quiet for every word until it was almost inaudible.
"Don't let her. He'll be back. I promise," Anna said softly.
"You're sure?"
"Oh yes I'm sure," Anna said and gave her a weary smile.
"And until then all we can do is to sit back and watch how he destroys his life, or gets himself killed?"
"Well if you can stop him from getting himself killed that would be great, but basically, yes that's all we can do," Anna said tiredly.
"And when he comes back, then what do we do?"
"The same thing we always do. Pick of the pieces and put them together again."
"Well it looks like we have a wonderful time to look forward to," Faith said sarcastically.
"Welcome to the wonderful world of loving Maurice Boscorelli," Anna said dryly.
*********
Three weeks later:
"Bosco can you watch some TV with us, please!" Adam said and looked pleadingly at Bosco. Bosco looked over at Anna to see if she thought she needed any help with the dishes, or if it was OK.
"That's OK, just go ahead. I'll do the dishes," she said tiredly. Bosco however didn't notice how tired she sounded. He just smiled at Adam and headed into the living room.
Anna stood up and started to tap water in the sink. It was with great difficulty she moved between the kitchen table and the sink. She had an incredible pain in her hip. It burned like it was on fire, and every time she moved it felt like someone stabbed her with a knife. She leaned against the sink, closed her eyes and tried to block out the pain. She reached up and wiped away the sweat on her forehead. She felt weak all over, and she knew it was because of the fever she was running. She had an infection in her hip. It wasn't the first time. It happened occasionally because it was worn out. There had been a long time though, since the last time, but now it was worse then ever. When she was married to Thomas she had been in pain, one way or another, almost all the time because all the beating she got. That had made her used to being in pain and she usually handled it well, but this time she really had trouble enduring it.
She turned around and started to do the dishes, but the pain was almost unbearable and she felt involuntary tears forming in her eyes. She took a deep breath as she once again tried to block out the pain. She hadn't told Bosco that she didn't feel well, because he didn't seem to care much about her, or the boys, anymore. It was hard to deal with, and it wasn't just her hip that ached. Her heart did too. She couldn't hold back her tears anymore. He hadn't touched her in almost two weeks. He hadn't even hugged her. Not since the night when he didn't get home until the morning. He had told her that Cruz's sister had died and that he had to be there for her. Anna knew exactly how he had been there for her. She could see the guilt in his eyes the few times he had the guts to look directly at her, and she could count those times on one hand. She hadn't confronted him about it, because she hadn't made up her mind about what to say to him. She hadn't yet decided if she wanted to forgive him this time.
"Adam wants to have a glass of water."
Anna jumped with the sound of Bosco's voice. She had been so deep in thoughts that she hadn't heard him coming. She didn't trust her voice so she just nodded and focused on the plate in her hands, hoping that he wouldn't notice that she was crying. Bosco reached up and took out a glass from the cupboard above her. He glanced down at her face and to his surprise; he saw that she was crying. He put the glass down on the kitchen counter and put his hand on her arm.
"Anna what's wrong? Why are you crying?" he asked worriedly.
He felt his heart pounding hard in his chest. She hadn't found out, had she? No, there was no way. Unless Faith had told her, but considering how happy she'd said she was that she didn't have to be the one to tell Anna, he had nothing to worry about.
Anna took a deep breath and tried to pull herself together. She quickly wiped away her tears and said shakily, although she tried to keep her voice steady:
"My hip hurts, that's all." Bosco felt a mix of relief and fear. Relief because she hadn't found out, and fear because she was in so much pain that she was actually crying.
"Come here and sit down," he said gently, and took her by the arm. He guided her over to the kitchen table and sat her down on one of the chairs. The pain the movement caused Anna made her feel dizzy and sick. She put her head in her hands and tried to fight the urge to throw up.
"Anna?" Bosco said and pulled her hands away from her face. "Anna, are you OK?"
"I'm fine, " she whispered and looked at him. He saw that her eyes were glassy and her cheeks flushed. He gently put his hand on her cheek. She felt hot to his touch, like she was running a fever. He felt dread rise inside. Something was seriously wrong with her. She was sick, really sick.
"Don't lie to me, " he said with a hint of anger in his voice. "You're running a fever and you're in so much pain that you're crying. Something must be seriously wrong with your hip. I'm taking you to Mercy right away!"
"There's no need for that. I've already been to the doctor," she said calmly, finally getting control of her emotions.
"You have? When? " he asked in surprise.
"Two days ago. I have an infection in my hip. That's why I'm in pain and running a fever, but you don't have to worry. They gave me some antibiotics. It's just not kicked in yet. I should be feeling better in a day or two."
Bosco looked at her sternly. "For how long have you been in this much pain?" She didn't answer. "Anna?"
"About a week."
"Why the hell didn't you tell me? Lying about how you feel is my job," he said angrily.
"I honestly didn't think you cared. It's not like you've shown any of us that much interest lately," Anna said coldly, but she could feel a lump in her throat and tears were forming in her eyes again.
Bosco swallowed hard and ran his hands over his head in desperation. So she had noticed. She knew something was wrong. He felt like the jerk he knew he was, and he wanted to shoot himself when he thought about that he once again had caused her pain. So much pain that she didn't even want to tell him that she was sick.
"I'm sorry Anna. I didn't mean to make you feel like you didn't matter. You do, you all do, I swear. It's just that it's been so much at work lately, and I've been so tired." his voice trailed off.
He wanted to say that he loved her, but he couldn't. He did love her, but saying it to her face, knowing what he had done to her, felt like blaspheming. He reached out and gently brushed away some hair from her sweaty forehead. He winched when he felt how warm she was.
" Anna please forgive me I."
She cut him off. " Please Bosco don't. I can't deal with this right now." She closed her eyes. She was in so much pain physically and emotionally that it felt like she couldn't breath. She felt him caress her hair.
"Anna what can I do to help? Please tell me what to do!" he said and Anna could hear the desperation in his voice. She opened her eyes and looked at him. He looked very worried, almost scared.
"Just put the boys to bed for me, and will you please get me my crutches. They are in the hallway by the door. I really need to lie down and I don't think I can make it to the bed without them," she said and tried to smile, but she failed.
"They gave you crutches?" She nodded.
"Then why don't you use them?" he said accusingly.
"Because I can't cook, or do the dishes, or the laundry, or anything if I have to use them, and you haven't been around to help so." The pain got too much for her to handle, and she closed her eyes and bit down her bottom lip so hard it started to bleed. Once again she was unable to hold back her tears and they started to run down her cheeks.
"Oh my God Anna! I'm so sorry. I." Bosco whispered with agony in his voice.
"Bosco please. I told you. Not now, " she said between gritted teeth.
"I'm sorry. Come on let me carry you to bed and get you something for the pain and the fever, OK?" Bosco said softly and gently took her in his arms.
Anna relaxed and rested her head against his shoulder. She knew she should say no. She knew she should jerk away, let him feel she knew. She knew she should be mad at him, maybe even hate him, but she couldn't. She was in too much pain. She needed to feel safe and cared for, and right now that was how she felt when he held her in his arms. Just the way it always had been. Bosco carefully put her down on the bed and gently kissed her forehead.
" Don't worry about a thing OK? I'll take care of the boys and I'll call work and let them know I won't be in tomorrow.
She nodded. She knew she should protest. She should tell him that he didn't have to skip work for her, but she didn't have the strength to do it. She needed him right now, and so did the boys, so she remained silent."
"I'll go and get you some painkillers. I'll be right back."
"OK, but please take the strong ones, will you?"
He nodded and left the room. Anna watched him leave and closed her eyes. She was in a terrible pain, but at least one good thing had come out of this. She knew now what to say to him when she confronted him. She knew what she wanted. Now she just had to get better so she could gather enough strength to do it.
"Night champs," Bosco said and put out the light in Samuel and Adam's room.
"Night Bosco," came the unison reply.
He went out into the hallway and headed towards the bedroom to check on Anna. Luckily Samuel and Adam had gone to bed without asking too many questions. They knew Anna was sick, so they said they understood that she couldn't tuck them in. Bosco's heart broke when he realized that this was nothing new to them. They were used to Anna being in so much pain that she couldn't take proper care of them. The worst part however was when Adam told him that he was happy that he had time to take care of them tonight. He knew he hadn't cared about them as much as he used to lately, and the fact that they had noticed made him feel incredibly guilty.
Bosco quietly entered the bedroom. Anna was asleep and he was grateful for it. She had been in so much pain that it had been hard for him to deal with. Especially the pain in her eyes that told him that he had hurt her with his actions. Hurt her a lot. Maybe even beyond repair. He looked at her. She was so beautiful, so kind and so special. How could he be so stupid? How could he choose Cruz over her? Faith was right. He really needed to get checked out. His brain was sure to be missing.
He bent down and gently put his hand on her forehead. She was still warm, but not as hot as before. He felt relieved, but the fact that she was actually sick scared him. Anna didn't get sick. He couldn't even remember seeing her sick before. For the first time in his life he realized that he could lose her without driving her away or leaving her. She could die from him. That thought scared him almost to death, because he knew he wouldn't survive without her.
AUTHOR: faith_in_Faith
E-MAIL: faith_in_Faith@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER: Don't owe, just borrow.
RATING: PG-13
SPOILER: Up to and including season four.
AUTHORS NOTE: THANKS all of you for the wonderful reviews!! They make me more than happy! My usual thanks for making this story possible: Jenny, Carina and wine_into_ water!
OK a little warning: I know most of you love Bosco, and so do I. But I didn't like the way he acted this season so I'm gonna make him the bad guy here for awhile. Please forgive me and come along with me on this journey. I promise to make it up to you!
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN.
"It's nice of you to take the boys today. I owe you one," Anna said and smiled at Steven. He smiled back.
" It's no big deal. You know I love spending time with them, and since this is my day off." His voice trailed off as he noticed the tired and worried look in his sister's eyes.
"Is everything alright?" he asked gravely.
"Yeah everything is perfect, as always," Anna said sarcastically. Steven sighed.
"So Bosco is in trouble again?" he said and took a close look at her. She didn't look hurt, only worried, so at least Bosco hadn't been an ass to her this time.
"Is, or will be soon."
"Is he really worth it Anna?" Steven asked gently.
Anna just looked at him as if he had lost his mind or something. Steven sighed again.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"You can always pray."
"OK, but with all the praying that it's gonna take, you're gonna have to buy me a new pair of trousers."
"Steven!" Anna said, but she couldn't help the chuckle that escaped her lips.
"What?" Steven said with his eyes twinkling in amusement. "You know I'm right."
Anna smiled and shook her head." I'll pick the boys up around eight, OK?"
"OK, see you later."
"Yeah later."
***********
Faith sat at the table in the small café and played with her napkin. She was very nervous about this. She really didn't know if Anna would be able to deal with what she was about to tell her. They had become very good friends over the past six months. Anna had really been there for her. Even when things with Bosco started to turn into the mess it was in now, she had been nothing but supportive. But no matter how you put it, Bosco was the one that Anna loved. She was just the friend..Suddenly she spotted Anna walking through the door and she waved slightly so that she would be able to see her. Anna waved back and walked over to Faith.
"Hi," she said and smiled.
"Hi," Faith said and managed to give her a slight smile in return.
They looked at each other, and for a moment both of them could see their own tiredness and worry mirroring in the other woman's eyes. Anna sat down and ordered some coffee from the waitress, who had showed up by the table.
"So how come I have a feeling that this conversation is gonna be about Bosco?" Anna said sarcastically. Faith looked at her in surprise. She had never heard her talk like that before.
"Maybe because he's the reason you and I have a bad judgment club?" she answered dryly.
Anna smiled. "You're right, as always."
"So who's first?" Faith asked. Anna motioned with her hand at her.
"Be my guest." Faith looked down at her hands and took a deep breath.
"You know Bosco and I aren't getting along very well anymore?" she said self-consciously. She felt so stupid all of a sudden. It was hard to talk to Anna about this mess, because the way Faith saw it: She was the one to blame.
Anna nodded. "Yes and you're not the only one to blame. It takes two to tango you know."
"Thanks," Faith said and smiled weakly at her. Anna nodded her head again.
"Well a lot of things have gone wrong between us lately, but one way or another they all have to do with Anticrime and sergeant Cruz. She's.." Faith stopped and chewed on her lower lip for a second. She tried to come up with a nice way to explain what she thought about Cruz.
"An evil, backstabbing bitch?" Anna said cheerfully. Faith eyes widened a bit and she looked at Anna in utter surprise.
"Anna! I didn't even think you knew that kind of words!" she said in amusement.
"Come on Faith, of course I do. I live with Bosco remember? I know a couple of others that would fit her description perfect. Do you wanna hear them?" Anna asked, a hint of laughter in her voice. Faith raised her hands and laughed as she said:
"No thanks, I'm fine." Then she quickly grew serious again and said:
"You've met her?" Anna nodded.
"Yeah yesterday."
"Did you talk to her?"
"Yeah."
"What did she have to say?" "A lot of things, but basically she told me that Bosco was hers and that I'm gonna lose him soon. To her, I guess, or to that stupid job or something."
"I'm sorry Anna," Faith murmured, "but she's using him and he's following her around like a damn puppy. It's like he can't think one single thought on his own anymore."
"I know."
"So did you respond to her in any way?"
"Yeah, I told her that I don't play games that I can't win, and that no matter how hard she tries I'll win, because in the end he always comes running back to me."
"You really said that?"
"Yup."
Faith looked inquiring at Anna and tried to read her face. She really was full of surprises. Every time she thought she had her figured out, she showed a whole new side, but one thing Faith knew for sure. Anna was one of the strongest and most amazing women she had ever met.
"You've been through this before, haven't you?"
"Oh yes I have, several times," Anna said with a hint of resignation in her voice.
"Why Anna? Why does he want to be with her? I mean, I really thought he was happy now, at least with you. I know I haven't been the best partner lately, but Cruz she's.dangerous, she's."
"A bad cop, " Anna said quietly. Faith closed her eyes.
"Yeah. She's gonna bring him down. She's trouble I know that. Oh my God Anna! What have I done?"
"Faith," Anna said gently, "this is not your fault. It would have happened sooner or later anyway, no matter how great a partner you'd been. He would have gone to her anyway, or to someone else, like Hobart."
"But why?"
"Because he's an addict," Anna said simply. Faith looked at her like she was insane.
"What the hell do you mean? He isn't using any drugs!" she said angrily.
Anna smiled slightly. "It all depends on how you look at it. His old man really managed to screw up all of them badly, you know. I was there and it was horrible to see. What he did, created memories that none of them can handle. They have to escape them somehow. They have to find a way to forget, and they have all found their own drug to help them with that. For Rose it's alcohol, for Mikey it's dope and for Bosco it's adrenaline. To get adrenaline you have to feel fear, and to feel fear you have to do dangerous things. I think that's one of the reasons why he became a cop in the first place. I guess you feel fear at least once every shift, don't you?"
"He's always hated quiet shifts," Faith whispered.
"That proves my point exactly."
"But why isn't that enough anymore?"
Anna sighed," basically because of two things. First of all, all drugs crave higher and higher doses to maintain their effect. Adrenaline is no exception. Secondly: You and me, we make him feel safe. When he feels safe he has the time to think, and then the memories come back. He can't handle that, so the only way for him to stay sane is, in his opinion I'll might add, to get out and look for more fear."
Faith starred at her in horror. "My God, I think you're right. What are we gonna do?"
"Nothing. There's nothing we can do. It has always been this way."
"But Anna, this is gonna end up in disaster!" Faith said, clearly upset about the fact that Anna didn't seem to care. "He's gonna end up in big trouble. For Heaven's sake he might even get himself killed!"
"And you think I don't know that? I've seen it all before remember? All we can do is to sit back and wait until he comes and asks for help, and you know that too. If you take the time to look back in the past you know you've seen it all before, just not this bad," Anna said in a shaky voice, and Faith could see that she tried hard not to cry.
Faith felt bad for jumping on her like that. She was right. She had seen it all before, just as Anna had said. Just not this bad, and not so clearly connected to their partner- and friendship. She couldn't help wondering how Anna had managed to survive things like this before, and still love Bosco as much as she did.
"I'm sorry, "she said regretfully. "I didn't mean to jump on you. It's just that it's so hard. She's destroying it, you know, our friendship." Her voice had become more and more quiet for every word until it was almost inaudible.
"Don't let her. He'll be back. I promise," Anna said softly.
"You're sure?"
"Oh yes I'm sure," Anna said and gave her a weary smile.
"And until then all we can do is to sit back and watch how he destroys his life, or gets himself killed?"
"Well if you can stop him from getting himself killed that would be great, but basically, yes that's all we can do," Anna said tiredly.
"And when he comes back, then what do we do?"
"The same thing we always do. Pick of the pieces and put them together again."
"Well it looks like we have a wonderful time to look forward to," Faith said sarcastically.
"Welcome to the wonderful world of loving Maurice Boscorelli," Anna said dryly.
*********
Three weeks later:
"Bosco can you watch some TV with us, please!" Adam said and looked pleadingly at Bosco. Bosco looked over at Anna to see if she thought she needed any help with the dishes, or if it was OK.
"That's OK, just go ahead. I'll do the dishes," she said tiredly. Bosco however didn't notice how tired she sounded. He just smiled at Adam and headed into the living room.
Anna stood up and started to tap water in the sink. It was with great difficulty she moved between the kitchen table and the sink. She had an incredible pain in her hip. It burned like it was on fire, and every time she moved it felt like someone stabbed her with a knife. She leaned against the sink, closed her eyes and tried to block out the pain. She reached up and wiped away the sweat on her forehead. She felt weak all over, and she knew it was because of the fever she was running. She had an infection in her hip. It wasn't the first time. It happened occasionally because it was worn out. There had been a long time though, since the last time, but now it was worse then ever. When she was married to Thomas she had been in pain, one way or another, almost all the time because all the beating she got. That had made her used to being in pain and she usually handled it well, but this time she really had trouble enduring it.
She turned around and started to do the dishes, but the pain was almost unbearable and she felt involuntary tears forming in her eyes. She took a deep breath as she once again tried to block out the pain. She hadn't told Bosco that she didn't feel well, because he didn't seem to care much about her, or the boys, anymore. It was hard to deal with, and it wasn't just her hip that ached. Her heart did too. She couldn't hold back her tears anymore. He hadn't touched her in almost two weeks. He hadn't even hugged her. Not since the night when he didn't get home until the morning. He had told her that Cruz's sister had died and that he had to be there for her. Anna knew exactly how he had been there for her. She could see the guilt in his eyes the few times he had the guts to look directly at her, and she could count those times on one hand. She hadn't confronted him about it, because she hadn't made up her mind about what to say to him. She hadn't yet decided if she wanted to forgive him this time.
"Adam wants to have a glass of water."
Anna jumped with the sound of Bosco's voice. She had been so deep in thoughts that she hadn't heard him coming. She didn't trust her voice so she just nodded and focused on the plate in her hands, hoping that he wouldn't notice that she was crying. Bosco reached up and took out a glass from the cupboard above her. He glanced down at her face and to his surprise; he saw that she was crying. He put the glass down on the kitchen counter and put his hand on her arm.
"Anna what's wrong? Why are you crying?" he asked worriedly.
He felt his heart pounding hard in his chest. She hadn't found out, had she? No, there was no way. Unless Faith had told her, but considering how happy she'd said she was that she didn't have to be the one to tell Anna, he had nothing to worry about.
Anna took a deep breath and tried to pull herself together. She quickly wiped away her tears and said shakily, although she tried to keep her voice steady:
"My hip hurts, that's all." Bosco felt a mix of relief and fear. Relief because she hadn't found out, and fear because she was in so much pain that she was actually crying.
"Come here and sit down," he said gently, and took her by the arm. He guided her over to the kitchen table and sat her down on one of the chairs. The pain the movement caused Anna made her feel dizzy and sick. She put her head in her hands and tried to fight the urge to throw up.
"Anna?" Bosco said and pulled her hands away from her face. "Anna, are you OK?"
"I'm fine, " she whispered and looked at him. He saw that her eyes were glassy and her cheeks flushed. He gently put his hand on her cheek. She felt hot to his touch, like she was running a fever. He felt dread rise inside. Something was seriously wrong with her. She was sick, really sick.
"Don't lie to me, " he said with a hint of anger in his voice. "You're running a fever and you're in so much pain that you're crying. Something must be seriously wrong with your hip. I'm taking you to Mercy right away!"
"There's no need for that. I've already been to the doctor," she said calmly, finally getting control of her emotions.
"You have? When? " he asked in surprise.
"Two days ago. I have an infection in my hip. That's why I'm in pain and running a fever, but you don't have to worry. They gave me some antibiotics. It's just not kicked in yet. I should be feeling better in a day or two."
Bosco looked at her sternly. "For how long have you been in this much pain?" She didn't answer. "Anna?"
"About a week."
"Why the hell didn't you tell me? Lying about how you feel is my job," he said angrily.
"I honestly didn't think you cared. It's not like you've shown any of us that much interest lately," Anna said coldly, but she could feel a lump in her throat and tears were forming in her eyes again.
Bosco swallowed hard and ran his hands over his head in desperation. So she had noticed. She knew something was wrong. He felt like the jerk he knew he was, and he wanted to shoot himself when he thought about that he once again had caused her pain. So much pain that she didn't even want to tell him that she was sick.
"I'm sorry Anna. I didn't mean to make you feel like you didn't matter. You do, you all do, I swear. It's just that it's been so much at work lately, and I've been so tired." his voice trailed off.
He wanted to say that he loved her, but he couldn't. He did love her, but saying it to her face, knowing what he had done to her, felt like blaspheming. He reached out and gently brushed away some hair from her sweaty forehead. He winched when he felt how warm she was.
" Anna please forgive me I."
She cut him off. " Please Bosco don't. I can't deal with this right now." She closed her eyes. She was in so much pain physically and emotionally that it felt like she couldn't breath. She felt him caress her hair.
"Anna what can I do to help? Please tell me what to do!" he said and Anna could hear the desperation in his voice. She opened her eyes and looked at him. He looked very worried, almost scared.
"Just put the boys to bed for me, and will you please get me my crutches. They are in the hallway by the door. I really need to lie down and I don't think I can make it to the bed without them," she said and tried to smile, but she failed.
"They gave you crutches?" She nodded.
"Then why don't you use them?" he said accusingly.
"Because I can't cook, or do the dishes, or the laundry, or anything if I have to use them, and you haven't been around to help so." The pain got too much for her to handle, and she closed her eyes and bit down her bottom lip so hard it started to bleed. Once again she was unable to hold back her tears and they started to run down her cheeks.
"Oh my God Anna! I'm so sorry. I." Bosco whispered with agony in his voice.
"Bosco please. I told you. Not now, " she said between gritted teeth.
"I'm sorry. Come on let me carry you to bed and get you something for the pain and the fever, OK?" Bosco said softly and gently took her in his arms.
Anna relaxed and rested her head against his shoulder. She knew she should say no. She knew she should jerk away, let him feel she knew. She knew she should be mad at him, maybe even hate him, but she couldn't. She was in too much pain. She needed to feel safe and cared for, and right now that was how she felt when he held her in his arms. Just the way it always had been. Bosco carefully put her down on the bed and gently kissed her forehead.
" Don't worry about a thing OK? I'll take care of the boys and I'll call work and let them know I won't be in tomorrow.
She nodded. She knew she should protest. She should tell him that he didn't have to skip work for her, but she didn't have the strength to do it. She needed him right now, and so did the boys, so she remained silent."
"I'll go and get you some painkillers. I'll be right back."
"OK, but please take the strong ones, will you?"
He nodded and left the room. Anna watched him leave and closed her eyes. She was in a terrible pain, but at least one good thing had come out of this. She knew now what to say to him when she confronted him. She knew what she wanted. Now she just had to get better so she could gather enough strength to do it.
"Night champs," Bosco said and put out the light in Samuel and Adam's room.
"Night Bosco," came the unison reply.
He went out into the hallway and headed towards the bedroom to check on Anna. Luckily Samuel and Adam had gone to bed without asking too many questions. They knew Anna was sick, so they said they understood that she couldn't tuck them in. Bosco's heart broke when he realized that this was nothing new to them. They were used to Anna being in so much pain that she couldn't take proper care of them. The worst part however was when Adam told him that he was happy that he had time to take care of them tonight. He knew he hadn't cared about them as much as he used to lately, and the fact that they had noticed made him feel incredibly guilty.
Bosco quietly entered the bedroom. Anna was asleep and he was grateful for it. She had been in so much pain that it had been hard for him to deal with. Especially the pain in her eyes that told him that he had hurt her with his actions. Hurt her a lot. Maybe even beyond repair. He looked at her. She was so beautiful, so kind and so special. How could he be so stupid? How could he choose Cruz over her? Faith was right. He really needed to get checked out. His brain was sure to be missing.
He bent down and gently put his hand on her forehead. She was still warm, but not as hot as before. He felt relieved, but the fact that she was actually sick scared him. Anna didn't get sick. He couldn't even remember seeing her sick before. For the first time in his life he realized that he could lose her without driving her away or leaving her. She could die from him. That thought scared him almost to death, because he knew he wouldn't survive without her.