Sirius was not enjoying his vacation.

Regulus had decided to put on a show that Sirius didn't exist, and when he for whatever reason was forced to acknowledge his older brother, he wouldn't call him by name. It would be hey, you, or sometimes not even an acknowledgement. Just a, mother needs you or a go downstairs.

Without meeting his eyes.

Sirius had felt them drifting apart for a few years now, so it didn't bother him that much. Sure, he missed their closeness, but that had been gone since they were much younger. And it didn't make him as sad this year, probably because he'd made new friends at school.

Either way, he was still bored. His parents had taken the summer as an opportunity to double down on studies and reigning Sirius "back in line." He was sure James and Remus and Peter were all enjoying their summer. Maybe they were all hanging out. Sirius had a feeling his parents had been filtering his mail. The letters from James seemed oddly short and formal.

He'd tried writing to them, but who knew where the owl went after he posted it? It was the family owl, after all. Maybe it flew to his dad's office first, and got filtered before being sent to his friends.

The thought was super depressing.

"Boy," said a woman in a nasty voice. Sirius didn't even bother looking up to see his mother scowling at him from the doorway. "Your cousins are coming over in half an hour. I expect you on your best behavior."

"Okay."

"Don't okay me, Sirius. Address me with respect."

"Okay, mother," Sirius amended in a lazy tone, dipping his quill in ink and tracing it across the table.

"What are you doing?'" she screeched. "You're vandalizing your table and making a mess! What do you think parchment and paper are for? Why can you not do anything right? Must you insist on making our lives so infuriating? Why can you not draw on parchment like a normal boy would? No, you have got to make sure everything is so difficult. Does a summer of being grounded drill nothing into your brain?"

Sirius bit back the words he wanted to say. "You gave Regulus my parchment," he said in a civilized tone, "and you told me not to come out of my room until you came up. I had nowhere else to draw."

"And now, after making mistakes, you pin the blame on your brother," Walburga sighed. "I don't know what to do with you. You just complicate everything."

"If I'm such a nuisance, you can send me away," Sirius offered.

"And have you become the laughingstock of the world? You may not care about your life, you may want to throw it away, but I care about you! I am trying to help you, and you don't even appreciate that." She looked close to fake tears. Sirius was sure her mascara would start running at any moment.

If it were anyone else, he would've felt bad. He wasn't cruel– he didn't want to make a woman cry. But he knew this woman.

"You don't care about me," he told her. "You said it yourself. You care about my life. My life leads to your reputation, which leads to money and fame in the House of Black. That's all you care about. The ultimate Black benefit."

"How dare you," she seethed. "This is exactly what I mean. Exactly what I'm talking about. You have no manners, no respect. This is why I wanted you in Slytherin, with good upbringing and role models around you. It would've been such a positive influence."

Sirius's mind was running through some things he could've said, none of them polite. "I like Gryffindor."

"It is a disgusting influence on you. The things you say, the way you act, the people you hang around with–"

"There's nothing wrong with the people I hang around with," Sirius interrupted.

"Don't interrupt me!" she snapped. "You have lost all etiquette in just a matter of months! Just by hanging out with the wrong sort."

Sirius took a deep breath. Don't snap back, don't snap back, don't snap…

"You know what?" she said. "I only have a few more ways of being nice to you before you force me to take it too far. There's one way I can think of to drill the Slytherin back into you."

Uh-oh. He didn't trust this. "Which is?"

"A teacher. It's time for you to get an etiquette teacher."

Nothing could've been more embarrassing than Sirius being forced to take etiquette lessons from a professional tutor. It was one thing if his parents tried to teach him manners, but an etiquette teacher? That too, when his own younger brother didn't need one?

Regulus was trying very hard to one-up Sirius. It was obvious. Regulus was offering the tutor (Master Barsham) water, cookies, a place to sit, and overall being much too polite. Regulus was never like this.

Sirius couldn't think of what could be more embarrassing when the answer appeared in the form of the doorbell.

Oh, no.

His cousins were here. He'd completely forgotten.

"Mother…" he started, unsure of how to even get out of this. "Could I…"

"You're not going anywhere," she said, a smirk curling up on her face. "I think this is exactly what you will need."

He groaned. Great. Now the horrendous triple (well, except for Andromeda) would take the mercy out of him. Bellatrix could be so cruel sometimes.

"Sirius," started Master Barsham. "Shall we begin?"

"All right," sighed Sirius. Better to get this over with. He watched from the corner of his eyes as Regulus trotted towards the doorbell.

"There were two things wrong with what you just did," Master Barsham barked. "Can you identify them?"

"I didn't address you by title."

"Correct. It's not all right. It's all right, master. Or Master Barsham. Master works fine, as it's the title. Barsham in itself would be unprofessional. The title is what you need to address by. Never just the name."

Like that matters in the real world.

"And second, always make eye contact when talking to someone."

"Isn't that rude if they're older than you?"

"Master. And no, it is not, unless you're staring them down like a challenge. Just look at them, nod. Dart your eyes around their face. Never look bored, and never let your attention stray somewhere else. Even if something truly is plaguing your mind, don't show it. Keep your eyes on my face always when talking."

Sirius could hear the door opening, the awful voice of Narcissa ringing through the house.

"Is Sirius taking etiquette lessons?"

Sirius wanted to smack her.

"Hello, Master Barsham!" said Bellatrix, hurrying forward to curtsy. "Hey, cousin." The spite in her tone was clear, the glee at him being forced to take manners lessons in front of his cousins.

"Bellatrix," greeted Sirius nonchalantly, nodding at his least favorite cousin. "How are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm fine. Focus on your lesson, yeah?" She smirked at him.

"For sure. As soon as you leave, you're kind of distracting us."

"Sirius," warned Master Barsham. "Never make it clear to someone when you're dismissing them. Smile and hint at your own urgency."

Was this guy for real?

"For sure," Sirius repeated. "But I really have to get back to my lesson now… so… maybe another time." He gave her the fakest smile he could muster, and her scowl deepened.

"That was better," said Master Barsham. "Now, onto sitting position."

Sirius looked down. "Am I not allowed to cross my legs now, too?"

"It is unprofessional."

"But I'm a kid!"

"You're part of the Black family," barked Orion, startling Sirius. Sirius didn't even know he'd been listening. "You treat others with respect and act properly! It's not so hard when your brother or cousins do it! There's always one bad apple. Teach him properly, Barsham. Beat him if you have to. We have whips in the cellar."

"That's not very polite of you," muttered Sirius, digging his hands into his pockets. But he didn't dare say it any louder, especially not to his face. He didn't want to bear the cane.

"We'll see about whipping when the time comes," Master Barsham replied calmly. "Sirius, hands out of your pockets. Either they are folded on your lap– no fidgeting– or they are by your side, limp."

Sirius groaned mentally and brought his hands out of his pockets.

This was going to be a very long summer.

A few weeks later, Sirius finally got what he wanted. His parents were both leaving for some sort of conference for the weekend, and Regulus was going to some sort of friends' place for those nights.

Sirius was not granted the privilege of either, so he'd been locked in the house with magical enchantments and barriers preventing him from leaving.

That didn't bother him. He finally got the house to himself.

He'd been jotting down ideas of what to do since the day he got the news: redecorating, snooping, practicing magic, giving himself a makeover, working on the Marauder's map, trying to write a letter to his friends… The list went on.

He heard the downstairs door closed, and he let out a loud cheer before going over to his father's radio (which he was not allowed to touch) and blasting some music.

Some scratchy classical started playing, so he fiddled with the knobs until he reached some sort of blaring Muggle rock. It had been one of the blocked channels– his father blocked all Muggle related things– just as Sirius had expected.

He yanked out his quarter of the parchment and decided to work on the Marauder's map first.

"Let's do the staircases," he decided, pulling out his wand which he'd nicked from his mother's cabinet last night while she'd been packing. "Let's see… Non lapis mutatio! Deleri potest!" He started sketching the layout of the typical staircases before highlighting the vanishing staircases. "Potest apparere," he muttered, tapping his wand against the parchment.

He thanked Remus for these spells. Remus had dragged him and Peter to the library one night while James had been playing Quidditch. He'd said that the map would require advanced magic allowing it to be changeable.

So he'd ended up memorizing the spells and was now finding it rather handy. It would be extremely difficult to sketch all the possible staircase layouts without running out of room.

He was mapping out the trick steps in a darker color when an owl hit his window. And then again. And again. And started repeatedly banging against his window. He ran over to let it in.

Sirius

What's up with you? It's been a month and your letters are very dry! Don't be dry, use some of my favorite hair lotion. I have attached you some of my favorite lemon hair shampoo. Think of it as my summer gift.

See you when school starts!

James

Sirius frowned at it, rereading the letter. The owl dropped the lemon shampoo on Sirius's lap. He picked it up and inspected it when it hit him, and he burst out in laughter.

James had put something in this shampoo for sure. Some sort of invisible ink revealer. The parchment had too much blank space on it.

He squirted the shampoo out and lathered it over the parchment when sure enough, words started to reveal.

Sirius!

If you're reading this, you've finally outsmarted your parents. Hooray!

Your letters have been really really really really boring and formal and polite and I knew you don't do that, so I quickly was in correspondence with Pete and Remmy Lemmy and they guessed your parents had been filtering your mail.

THEY ARE GENIUS!

So i sent THIS letter as James Fleamont Potter's genius move, because I miss you very dearly. Anyway. If you want to write back, just write me back normally and cover it in this lotion. My mom helped me curse it. Don't send the bottle back, that's toooooooooooooooo suspicious. I've got plenty back at home. I'll send you more if you need to.

anyway. hope you overcome those parents of yours. and now tell me what you've been doing all summer! i've visited remus and peter a few times. remus's parents are really really nice. my parents want to meet you at some point, and I said maybe for Diagon Alley shopping? I can get in touch with your parents if I've got to.

I tried breaking into your house two weeks ago, but I got stuck in all those security measures. It took me over an hour to even find Number 12, Grimmauld Place. Then I saw those weird magical beam thingies start flying towards me and I scrammed..

Not very Gryffindor of me.

Anyway, Remus and Peter say hi! And also good luck with whatever's going on with you. They didn't think this idea was very good, but it's got to be if you're reading it right?

I hope Regulus is doing okay and not bothering you too much!

Now I've got to go, my stomach is SCREAMING. Hopefully this owl doesn't pass out halfway through the journey. your parents really gave him the scare with all those scratches. is it bad to badmouth your parents? i guess it is, but i don't care, because they hurt an owl! and you! it's double animal abuse!

Ha… ha…

Okay, see you round Sirius! Say 'blueberry' if you're being held captive and need your best friend to rescue you.

See you later! Love, James.

Sirius laughed. Only James could think of something like that and execute it in such a manner. The way he wrote letters was also something to laugh at. He started penning a letter back.

James!

I'm doing great. Both my parents are out of town this weekend, so I'm totally down for us doing something totally not allowed. I'm appalled to hear that you tried BREAKING IN my house without informing me! Come on, man. That was super dangerous and I should be allowed to join in on stupid dangerous plans.

Sheesh. You could've died. I'm glad you're safe.

I'm terribly sorry to hear that your owl was hurt. My parents suck! I'm going to go try and ruin that system later. It's a long weekend, who knows what I can cook up in that time?

I'm also glad you're in touch with Remus and Peter. Tell them I say hi and everything's going well!

Guess what? My parents have set me up with an etiquette teacher! He's been teaching me to be polite and respectful and stuff. I don't think it's working that well. He's never beat me yet, though my parents keep telling him that it's time he "disciplines me" with some action.

It's okay, I guess.

I wish I was at your place instead. Your house seems so chill. My parents say I can maybe visit Peter's place later this summer. If I get my act together. So maybe you can set something up to come there with Remus, and we can all meet up.

I love doing things under my parents' noses.

Anyway, thanks for the brilliant idea and shampoo. How's your summer been?

Sirius

Then he smeared the shampoo over the words before writing back another quick letter.

Hey James!

Sorry for being so dry this summer. I don't know why you sent me shampoo, but whatever. I'll use it on my super long hair.

How's your summer? I wish I could meet up with you soon. Life's boring.

From,

Sirius

He didn't cover this one up so his parents wouldn't think of anything suspicious. He tied up the letter to the owl's leg before seeing all the scratches and feeling bad.

"Let me try and help that," he told the owl before grabbing some ointment from a closet downstairs and lathering it on the fur. "Fly well, buddy. Feel better."

The owl hooted affectionately before taking off into the sky, and Sirius sighed.

Check 1: Write to his friends

He continued charming and sketching the Marauder's map for another half an hour before he took another break to go snoop. He had the random urge to go through his parents' stuff.

He went to the master bedroom, where the king bed had been severed in half. His parents weren't the romantic type. Their wedding had been an arrangement, a deal so they could continue the pureblood line and bring wealth to each other's family lines.

But reputation was over everything in his parents' eyes, so they slept in the same bedroom, just on different beds. It was stupid, but to them it was so formal, so posh, so well-mannered of them.

Not that Sirius was supposed to be in here. There was an enchantment set so he would be kicked back anytime he entered, but he overheard his mother telling Regulus the counterspell so Regulus could grab a necklace for her.

Now he was in the master bedroom and started fishing through drawers when a paper (who kept papers in a bedroom? They had offices!) caught his eye.

Dear Walburga Black,

Your loan of $2,000 has not been accepted by Gringotts due to your negative balance in the past two months. You may wave off the debt in installments through months with a 4% interest. Please refer to the Gringotts manual of…

He quickly scanned the letter. What? Negative balance? There was a whole stack of papers like this, he realized, and he quickly went through all of them.

Dear Walburga Black,

This is to confirm the Patronus that Gringotts Bank sent you last week, where Gringotts bank has approved your payment of $24,000 in installments. You have until the 4th of next month to pay your starter installment. If you do not pay by then, the interest rate will rise rapidly, and we will send someone to your house to check. You may lose mortgages and assets to the name of the bank or become a co-holder. Please refer to the Gringotts manual of…

And then, to his horror, a letter from Walburga herself.

Oscar

My loans are increasing. I have discussed this with Orion. You still have not done your job. I expect you to sort this out with Gringotts in the coming days and set it to rest without a word. I do not wish to pay, and should I see one more debt letter from the bank, you will regret having not done your job. Please be in correspondence with the goblins and let me know. Soon. I am running out of time.

Walburga

And then one back.

Walburga

I talked to the goblins. They won't budge. I suggest you get rid of the payments the dirty way, or maybe a third party bank? There are some good ones I could recommend. If they are unable, I would suggest you get a marriage into another line. Andromeda is nearing the end of her schooling days, is she not? Get one of the girls married.

Oscar

Oscar

That is not a half bad idea. I will see what I can do.

Walburga

Sirius thought he would be sick. Clearly, Walburga was in debt, and by the looks of it, Orion was too. Sirius understood how finance worked in this family. They all had their own individual bank accounts on the surface, but beneath that, it all went to the House of Black account. Even beneath all that, it seemed like his mother (and probably the others too) had their own vaults. Illegal vaults, the black market, the cosmic banks… His parents meddled in those things.

More like owned those things. They ruled the black market, the underground banks, the illegal currencies. His parents were experts.

But now, by the looks of it, his mother's personal account had gone bankrupt. He wondered what all the loans were for. Probably for dresses and wedding gifts. They had to seem rich.

So what was she planning to do about it? He looked at the date: June 14th. This summer. It happened this summer. The dates all varied from May to July.

He felt like throwing up. They were bankrupt. They were known for being rich, for being affluent, grand. What were they going to do now? Is this why his parents wanted him to be so proper? So he could get a job and marry into another good line?

That wasn't what was bothering him, though. He couldn't care less if his parents were bankrupt.

Truthfully, they deserved it. That in itself was sort of funny.

It was what they were going to do about it. Oscar– his mom's right-hand in the financial world– had suggested doing it the dirty way. His mother was the queen of playing dirty.

And the third party. Those were never any good. They were always looking for their own personal benefit, how they could mint money out of a situation.

But the last one bothered him the most. Get Andromeda married? Into a pureblood family? A rich one? Purebloods were quickly diminishing, and the ones that were left were… sort of jerks. The good families, like James's, were known as blood traitors and scum.

Plus, Andromeda had been dating that boy. That Ted boy, that Narcissa had gotten all mad about. What if his parents forced her into marriage with a man she would never be happy with? A man that would treat her horribly and force her to do all the work?

The thought of something like that happening to his favorite cousin was enough to make Sirius sad.

He had to do something, no doubt about it. Someone was going to get hurt in this process, and he had to stop it.

But how?

sirius taking etiquette lessons is so funny to me

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