6.
Sometimes it seemed that all of her life so far-- all of the life that had actually happened, Dawn corrected herself-- was about going to funerals.
Dawn carried her new boombox in one hand, and held Buffy's hand in the other, with Xander's arm around her on her other side. All of the survivors were straggling out to the shore; most of the girls carried roses they'd picked up at the corner street seller. The rain had cleared off, and the sun was setting slowly behind the departing clouds, sending rays of light over the ocean. They'd brought firewood too, driftwood they'd picked up from the beach and extra they'd bought from a vendor down the boulevard, along with firestarters and kerosene. Giles had already set a ring of rocks near the edge of the beach, and they piled the wood inside the circle as they arrived.
Mom's funeral had had a program, speakers, a ton of people. Tara's had been the same, but fractured, broken by whispered rumors, and Willow's total red- eyed, white-faced devastation. Buffy's had been so private, only the seven of them even aware that she'd died, with only a few hushed good-byes. This, this was... different.
Not because she didn't miss Spike and Anya, Mandy and the other girls. But because this time, she was the one who had to be strong for other people. Later, Dawn was sure, she'd have a breakdown about it all. She'd probably end up crying about something stupid, like Spike calling her Bit, and how they'd never really got all the way back to being friends after he went to get his soul. Or missing Anya and the money dance, expecting her rude comments in the middle of a serious discussion, and wishing someone would say what everyone was thinking just to break the tension. But this good-bye wasn't about her or for her so much as it was for Buffy and Xander, and the other girls, who maybe had never had to do this before.
It was pretty sad that she was this used to it, when you thought about it.
She put the boombox down, and waited for Giles to light the fire before she pressed the button for play.
Heaven on Earth,
we need it now
I'm sick of all of this
hanging around
Sick of sorrow, sick of the pain
I'm sick of hearing again and again
That there's gonna be
peace on Earth....
As the sounds of "Peace on Earth" faded away, she could feel everyone looking at Buffy, who just stared into the fire, refusing to meet their eyes. Dawn squeezed her hand, but Buffy closed her eyes and shook her head. Dawn glanced over at Giles, raising her eyebrows - they'd both expected this - and he nodded gently, then began to speak.
"We are gathered here this evening to remember and to pay tribute to our friends, who gave their lives not just for us, but for the safety and preservation of the world, as well. But since the rest of the world will most likely never know of their sacrifice, it is up to us to carry their memories forward into the future...."
The crashing waves muffled the sound of some of the Slayers crying, as Giles went on to name each of the sixteen girls who had died at the school, as well as those who had died in the weeks prior to that.
"Chloe Armstrong."
Vi stepped forward, and gently placed a pink rose near the edge of the fire.
"Eva Sorenski."
Rona limped closer and put a yellow rose on top of the burning embers.
"Chao Ahn Li."
Another pink rose, this time from Faith, whose face remained closed and set. Principal Wood put his arm around her when she stepped back.
"Annabelle Stockton."
A white rose from Willow, who brushed away tears even though her face was serene.
"Molly Covington."
Kennedy's lips were thin, her eyes shiny, but she stood straight and unbending after placing her cream rose on the burning wood.
"Amanda Dreyer."
Bye, Mandy, Dawn thought. I'm sorry. I wish you were here, I wish I could talk to you about all of this one more time, I'm going to miss you... She leaned over the edge of the firepit and put the gold-pink rose right in the middle of the burning pyre, and told herself it was the smoke that was getting to her, that's all. That this was a way to wave goodbye to someone who couldn't see you, like putting flowers on her Mom's coffin, staying with Tara's body, kissing Buffy's cold face before they buried her.
"Anya Christina Emmanuella Jenkins," Giles said, his voice a little hoarser than it had been on the other names.
Xander put a handful of red roses on the fire, ducking his head as he went back to his place, his shoulders slumping. Dawn leaned sideways, not letting go of Buffy's hand, and put her arm around him. He clutched at her, shaking and burying his face in her hair, and she saw Willow hug him from the other side. Andrew was openly crying; by now, several of the girls were clumped together in group hugs for support, while a few others were hugging themselves and wiping away tears.
"Spike... known in life as William Grayley."
Dawn let go of Buffy's hand so her sister could take a small bunch of white- and-red striped roses forward. Kneeling, she placed them one by one in the flames, and leaned back on her heels to watch them burn. When she realized Buffy wasn't getting up, Dawn went forward to take her sister's arm, and tug her to her feet. She seemed hypnotized by the glow, but moved where Dawn directed her, tears streaming down her face, her expression almost calm.
The fire was roaring now, flames crackling and sparks rising up as the petals slowly blackened and curled away, gold fire licking around the edges of the green leaves. The colors of the roses -- purple, scarlet, pink, and orange -- were reflected in the clouds that swirled over the horizon as the sun hit the water. Dawn couldn't help thinking how beautiful it was, and how much she wished the others could be there to see it. It wasn't fair that they'd escaped Sunnydale, were moving on, were leaving everyone behind without even a gravestone to show they'd ever been there.
And it would probably happen again, and again, and again... as long as there were vampires and monsters to fight, and the people she loved were committed to fighting them, this wouldn't be the last time she'd have to do this.
She tilted her head against Buffy's and rocked her sister a little as Giles took a breath and said, "We ask that whatever powers, gods, or spirits they worshipped, please welcome our friends and loved ones into the afterlife, and recognize their worthiness of eternal peace and joy. We hope that we may meet again, in some other life, in a better place...."
Xander was crying now, gritting his teeth around it, but still shaking with ever breath he took. Willow's tears hadn't stopped since the first name had been read. Principal Wood's face was carved from stone as he stared off over the ocean, his hand tight in Faith's.
"If any of you wish to say a few words now, in memory of your friends, we would all like to hear them."
No one moved for a long minute, and looking around the circle, Dawn could see that no one knew what to say. She turned her head to look at Buffy, and briefly closed her eyes at the ache she saw on her sister's face. Then she gently disengaged from Buffy, and stepped closer to the fire.
"Mandy... Amanda... was so scared, the first night she found out she might be a Potential. Freaked. But she dealt. I know she was scared a lot of the time after that, too. But she was never so afraid that she wanted to run away. When her parents left town, she got out at the rest stop and walked five miles back to Sunnydale to be with us, because she didn't want to let us down." Dawn swallowed, feeling her throat clog up, and she blinked. "She was a good friend, a good person. Smart. Funny. A little warped." Choked giggles around the fire at that. "And I wish... I wish she'd gotten to be a Slayer for longer than ten minutes. Because I think she would've kicked a lot of ass, and really enjoyed it." She stopped, stuck. "That's all. I'm going to miss her."
She stumbled back to Buffy's side, tears clouding her vision, and felt Xander's arm around her shoulder, and Buffy's around her waist. Why did this have to be so *hard*? She'd been fine, she had been okay, but maybe she just wasn't as tough as she thought she was....
One by one, the other girls stepped forward to say something about their friends, three or four of them speaking in their own language, brokenly trying to say something about the girls who'd died. It all came down to the same thing, really.
"She was really cool."
"I wish she was here."
"She was so funny, so brave, I can't believe she's gone, it's not right...."
"I owe her my life, she saved me, when we were fighting..."
"We will not forget," one of the Irish girls finally concluded.
There was a pause, and then Xander stepped forward, calmer now, his head high and his hands shoved into his pockets.
"Anya and I... had a complicated relationship." His lips quirked in a small smile. "She was one of the smartest, scariest women I ever met, and that's saying something." Smiles around the fire, and a teary nod from Andrew. Giles took off his glasses to clean them.
"She was also maybe the bravest," Xander went on. "She didn't have to be here, she wasn't a Slayer, or a Potential; she'd bailed on an apocalypse before, she knew she could go any time she wanted. She knew what the odds were and she stayed anyway, because when Anya was on your side-- she was there for always. Even after you screwed up. Once she got past the vengeance-impulse, she wasn't going anywhere."
He coughed, cleared his throat, closing his eye for a second. "I could stand here for hours and tell you Anya-stories. Funny stories, weird and scary stories, great stories... but the thing is, I'm going to be telling those stories for the rest of my life. Because there is no way I'm going to forget her." He took a deep breath, raised his head. "She was unique, and special, and she knew more about being human and appreciating life for what it is than anyone else I ever met. I know that she's okay, wherever she is. She'll always be okay. And I'm only sorry... Sorry that I ever hurt her."
He stared around the circle for a moment, then shrugged, ducking his head and walking back to stand next to Dawn, who gave him a hug. He returned it and held onto her, like he was afraid of letting go.
"Buffy?" Willow asked softly. "Do you want to...?"
Buffy shook her head, then sighed and nodded, trembling a little. She didn't move forward, just swallowed hard and started to talk.
"I suck at speeches."
Everyone laughed a little, and she grinned, rolling her eyes, then sobered.
"Spike...." She shook her head. "It's too much, I don't know what to say. I don't know what--" She frowned, staring into the flames, then slowly spoke again. "He wanted to be... more than he was. He's the only evil vampire, the only demon I've ever heard of, who... transcended?" She checked with Giles, and got a small smile from him, and a nod. "Transcended-- rose above-- what he was supposed to be. Just because he wanted to. That was... or should have been... impossible. But that was Spike, he always went for the hard stuff. Stopping Angelus. The Gem of Amara. Drusilla.... Me."
She fell silent for a second, her voice full of wonder. "If you'd told me the first, or second, or even the third year I knew him that I'd cry for him someday, I would've laughed myself sick. But... he changed." Buffy's face crumbled up, and her voice got raspy. "Or maybe he didn't. Even when he was really evil, he loved the world. He never wanted it to end, 'cause it was too much fun. Manchester United. Smokes. Sid Vicious. Hot chocolate. Life. Fighting and shagging and...."
She laughed and sniffled. "I hope, wherever he ends up, they let him play pool and drink and fight. Because I can't imagine him happy if they make him behave. And I want him to be happy now...." She shook her head, her face crumpling, and turned away blindly. Dawn grabbed her arm and pulled her close, felt Buffy collapse against her shoulder and just held on.
And even in the middle of all the crying, she took a second to be glad she had her sister back, that it wasn't two years ago, that Buffy was safe and was going to stay that way. At least, it was if Dawn had anything to say about it.
Everyone was quiet now, except for the jagged sounds of crying, blending with the swooping gulls and the slowly rising ocean, and finally Giles cleared his throat.
"A.E. Houseman wrote a poem over a century ago, for those fallen in time of war. Our friends were of different creeds, religions, and faiths, and so I can not say only one prayer for them; but I think this applies equally to all...."
"Wake: the silver dusk returning
Up the beach of darkness brims,
And the ship of sunrise burning
Strands upon the eastern rims...."
As Giles recited the poem, the first stars began coming out. Dawn closed her eyes, hanging on to Buffy and tried to imagine and believe that their friends were only sleeping, only gone for a little while, as the sun finally set.
"Clay lies still, but blood's a rover;
Breath's a ware that will not keep.
Up, lass: when the journey's over
There'll be time enough to sleep." The crying had largely quieted, only a few silent tears left. Dawn opened her eyes and smiled at Giles, now staring at the bonfire with a melancholy expression.
"Thanks, Giles." He looked up, nodded his head and rubbed his eyes behind his glasses. "Thanks for coming, everyone." She disentangled herself from Buffy and Xander, and crouched down to hit 'play' again on the boombox; Bono's voice floated out over the air again, one last time.
And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
Before the second you turn back
Oh no, be strong
Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight
Walk on....
Some of them stayed to talk, others wandered down the beach alone, skipping shells and watching the waves come in. Dawn stayed close to Buffy and Xander, watching the flames die down, and silently sent up one last prayer: let it stop for a while. Let this be the last funeral for a year. That's all I want. Please.
She hoped there was something out there that was listening, as she leaned her head against Buffy's shoulder, and let her eyes fall closed again.
***
The poem is "Reveille"; the songs are U2. Thanks to Perri for the poem, and the suggestion of "Peace on Earth" (and thanks to Lizbet for the vid that made it an easy choice).
CLK
kikimariposa@prodigy.net
Sometimes it seemed that all of her life so far-- all of the life that had actually happened, Dawn corrected herself-- was about going to funerals.
Dawn carried her new boombox in one hand, and held Buffy's hand in the other, with Xander's arm around her on her other side. All of the survivors were straggling out to the shore; most of the girls carried roses they'd picked up at the corner street seller. The rain had cleared off, and the sun was setting slowly behind the departing clouds, sending rays of light over the ocean. They'd brought firewood too, driftwood they'd picked up from the beach and extra they'd bought from a vendor down the boulevard, along with firestarters and kerosene. Giles had already set a ring of rocks near the edge of the beach, and they piled the wood inside the circle as they arrived.
Mom's funeral had had a program, speakers, a ton of people. Tara's had been the same, but fractured, broken by whispered rumors, and Willow's total red- eyed, white-faced devastation. Buffy's had been so private, only the seven of them even aware that she'd died, with only a few hushed good-byes. This, this was... different.
Not because she didn't miss Spike and Anya, Mandy and the other girls. But because this time, she was the one who had to be strong for other people. Later, Dawn was sure, she'd have a breakdown about it all. She'd probably end up crying about something stupid, like Spike calling her Bit, and how they'd never really got all the way back to being friends after he went to get his soul. Or missing Anya and the money dance, expecting her rude comments in the middle of a serious discussion, and wishing someone would say what everyone was thinking just to break the tension. But this good-bye wasn't about her or for her so much as it was for Buffy and Xander, and the other girls, who maybe had never had to do this before.
It was pretty sad that she was this used to it, when you thought about it.
She put the boombox down, and waited for Giles to light the fire before she pressed the button for play.
Heaven on Earth,
we need it now
I'm sick of all of this
hanging around
Sick of sorrow, sick of the pain
I'm sick of hearing again and again
That there's gonna be
peace on Earth....
As the sounds of "Peace on Earth" faded away, she could feel everyone looking at Buffy, who just stared into the fire, refusing to meet their eyes. Dawn squeezed her hand, but Buffy closed her eyes and shook her head. Dawn glanced over at Giles, raising her eyebrows - they'd both expected this - and he nodded gently, then began to speak.
"We are gathered here this evening to remember and to pay tribute to our friends, who gave their lives not just for us, but for the safety and preservation of the world, as well. But since the rest of the world will most likely never know of their sacrifice, it is up to us to carry their memories forward into the future...."
The crashing waves muffled the sound of some of the Slayers crying, as Giles went on to name each of the sixteen girls who had died at the school, as well as those who had died in the weeks prior to that.
"Chloe Armstrong."
Vi stepped forward, and gently placed a pink rose near the edge of the fire.
"Eva Sorenski."
Rona limped closer and put a yellow rose on top of the burning embers.
"Chao Ahn Li."
Another pink rose, this time from Faith, whose face remained closed and set. Principal Wood put his arm around her when she stepped back.
"Annabelle Stockton."
A white rose from Willow, who brushed away tears even though her face was serene.
"Molly Covington."
Kennedy's lips were thin, her eyes shiny, but she stood straight and unbending after placing her cream rose on the burning wood.
"Amanda Dreyer."
Bye, Mandy, Dawn thought. I'm sorry. I wish you were here, I wish I could talk to you about all of this one more time, I'm going to miss you... She leaned over the edge of the firepit and put the gold-pink rose right in the middle of the burning pyre, and told herself it was the smoke that was getting to her, that's all. That this was a way to wave goodbye to someone who couldn't see you, like putting flowers on her Mom's coffin, staying with Tara's body, kissing Buffy's cold face before they buried her.
"Anya Christina Emmanuella Jenkins," Giles said, his voice a little hoarser than it had been on the other names.
Xander put a handful of red roses on the fire, ducking his head as he went back to his place, his shoulders slumping. Dawn leaned sideways, not letting go of Buffy's hand, and put her arm around him. He clutched at her, shaking and burying his face in her hair, and she saw Willow hug him from the other side. Andrew was openly crying; by now, several of the girls were clumped together in group hugs for support, while a few others were hugging themselves and wiping away tears.
"Spike... known in life as William Grayley."
Dawn let go of Buffy's hand so her sister could take a small bunch of white- and-red striped roses forward. Kneeling, she placed them one by one in the flames, and leaned back on her heels to watch them burn. When she realized Buffy wasn't getting up, Dawn went forward to take her sister's arm, and tug her to her feet. She seemed hypnotized by the glow, but moved where Dawn directed her, tears streaming down her face, her expression almost calm.
The fire was roaring now, flames crackling and sparks rising up as the petals slowly blackened and curled away, gold fire licking around the edges of the green leaves. The colors of the roses -- purple, scarlet, pink, and orange -- were reflected in the clouds that swirled over the horizon as the sun hit the water. Dawn couldn't help thinking how beautiful it was, and how much she wished the others could be there to see it. It wasn't fair that they'd escaped Sunnydale, were moving on, were leaving everyone behind without even a gravestone to show they'd ever been there.
And it would probably happen again, and again, and again... as long as there were vampires and monsters to fight, and the people she loved were committed to fighting them, this wouldn't be the last time she'd have to do this.
She tilted her head against Buffy's and rocked her sister a little as Giles took a breath and said, "We ask that whatever powers, gods, or spirits they worshipped, please welcome our friends and loved ones into the afterlife, and recognize their worthiness of eternal peace and joy. We hope that we may meet again, in some other life, in a better place...."
Xander was crying now, gritting his teeth around it, but still shaking with ever breath he took. Willow's tears hadn't stopped since the first name had been read. Principal Wood's face was carved from stone as he stared off over the ocean, his hand tight in Faith's.
"If any of you wish to say a few words now, in memory of your friends, we would all like to hear them."
No one moved for a long minute, and looking around the circle, Dawn could see that no one knew what to say. She turned her head to look at Buffy, and briefly closed her eyes at the ache she saw on her sister's face. Then she gently disengaged from Buffy, and stepped closer to the fire.
"Mandy... Amanda... was so scared, the first night she found out she might be a Potential. Freaked. But she dealt. I know she was scared a lot of the time after that, too. But she was never so afraid that she wanted to run away. When her parents left town, she got out at the rest stop and walked five miles back to Sunnydale to be with us, because she didn't want to let us down." Dawn swallowed, feeling her throat clog up, and she blinked. "She was a good friend, a good person. Smart. Funny. A little warped." Choked giggles around the fire at that. "And I wish... I wish she'd gotten to be a Slayer for longer than ten minutes. Because I think she would've kicked a lot of ass, and really enjoyed it." She stopped, stuck. "That's all. I'm going to miss her."
She stumbled back to Buffy's side, tears clouding her vision, and felt Xander's arm around her shoulder, and Buffy's around her waist. Why did this have to be so *hard*? She'd been fine, she had been okay, but maybe she just wasn't as tough as she thought she was....
One by one, the other girls stepped forward to say something about their friends, three or four of them speaking in their own language, brokenly trying to say something about the girls who'd died. It all came down to the same thing, really.
"She was really cool."
"I wish she was here."
"She was so funny, so brave, I can't believe she's gone, it's not right...."
"I owe her my life, she saved me, when we were fighting..."
"We will not forget," one of the Irish girls finally concluded.
There was a pause, and then Xander stepped forward, calmer now, his head high and his hands shoved into his pockets.
"Anya and I... had a complicated relationship." His lips quirked in a small smile. "She was one of the smartest, scariest women I ever met, and that's saying something." Smiles around the fire, and a teary nod from Andrew. Giles took off his glasses to clean them.
"She was also maybe the bravest," Xander went on. "She didn't have to be here, she wasn't a Slayer, or a Potential; she'd bailed on an apocalypse before, she knew she could go any time she wanted. She knew what the odds were and she stayed anyway, because when Anya was on your side-- she was there for always. Even after you screwed up. Once she got past the vengeance-impulse, she wasn't going anywhere."
He coughed, cleared his throat, closing his eye for a second. "I could stand here for hours and tell you Anya-stories. Funny stories, weird and scary stories, great stories... but the thing is, I'm going to be telling those stories for the rest of my life. Because there is no way I'm going to forget her." He took a deep breath, raised his head. "She was unique, and special, and she knew more about being human and appreciating life for what it is than anyone else I ever met. I know that she's okay, wherever she is. She'll always be okay. And I'm only sorry... Sorry that I ever hurt her."
He stared around the circle for a moment, then shrugged, ducking his head and walking back to stand next to Dawn, who gave him a hug. He returned it and held onto her, like he was afraid of letting go.
"Buffy?" Willow asked softly. "Do you want to...?"
Buffy shook her head, then sighed and nodded, trembling a little. She didn't move forward, just swallowed hard and started to talk.
"I suck at speeches."
Everyone laughed a little, and she grinned, rolling her eyes, then sobered.
"Spike...." She shook her head. "It's too much, I don't know what to say. I don't know what--" She frowned, staring into the flames, then slowly spoke again. "He wanted to be... more than he was. He's the only evil vampire, the only demon I've ever heard of, who... transcended?" She checked with Giles, and got a small smile from him, and a nod. "Transcended-- rose above-- what he was supposed to be. Just because he wanted to. That was... or should have been... impossible. But that was Spike, he always went for the hard stuff. Stopping Angelus. The Gem of Amara. Drusilla.... Me."
She fell silent for a second, her voice full of wonder. "If you'd told me the first, or second, or even the third year I knew him that I'd cry for him someday, I would've laughed myself sick. But... he changed." Buffy's face crumbled up, and her voice got raspy. "Or maybe he didn't. Even when he was really evil, he loved the world. He never wanted it to end, 'cause it was too much fun. Manchester United. Smokes. Sid Vicious. Hot chocolate. Life. Fighting and shagging and...."
She laughed and sniffled. "I hope, wherever he ends up, they let him play pool and drink and fight. Because I can't imagine him happy if they make him behave. And I want him to be happy now...." She shook her head, her face crumpling, and turned away blindly. Dawn grabbed her arm and pulled her close, felt Buffy collapse against her shoulder and just held on.
And even in the middle of all the crying, she took a second to be glad she had her sister back, that it wasn't two years ago, that Buffy was safe and was going to stay that way. At least, it was if Dawn had anything to say about it.
Everyone was quiet now, except for the jagged sounds of crying, blending with the swooping gulls and the slowly rising ocean, and finally Giles cleared his throat.
"A.E. Houseman wrote a poem over a century ago, for those fallen in time of war. Our friends were of different creeds, religions, and faiths, and so I can not say only one prayer for them; but I think this applies equally to all...."
"Wake: the silver dusk returning
Up the beach of darkness brims,
And the ship of sunrise burning
Strands upon the eastern rims...."
As Giles recited the poem, the first stars began coming out. Dawn closed her eyes, hanging on to Buffy and tried to imagine and believe that their friends were only sleeping, only gone for a little while, as the sun finally set.
"Clay lies still, but blood's a rover;
Breath's a ware that will not keep.
Up, lass: when the journey's over
There'll be time enough to sleep." The crying had largely quieted, only a few silent tears left. Dawn opened her eyes and smiled at Giles, now staring at the bonfire with a melancholy expression.
"Thanks, Giles." He looked up, nodded his head and rubbed his eyes behind his glasses. "Thanks for coming, everyone." She disentangled herself from Buffy and Xander, and crouched down to hit 'play' again on the boombox; Bono's voice floated out over the air again, one last time.
And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
Before the second you turn back
Oh no, be strong
Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight
Walk on....
Some of them stayed to talk, others wandered down the beach alone, skipping shells and watching the waves come in. Dawn stayed close to Buffy and Xander, watching the flames die down, and silently sent up one last prayer: let it stop for a while. Let this be the last funeral for a year. That's all I want. Please.
She hoped there was something out there that was listening, as she leaned her head against Buffy's shoulder, and let her eyes fall closed again.
***
The poem is "Reveille"; the songs are U2. Thanks to Perri for the poem, and the suggestion of "Peace on Earth" (and thanks to Lizbet for the vid that made it an easy choice).
CLK
kikimariposa@prodigy.net