A Failed Protector

I knew as soon as the Deity of Death, more commonly known to us as Botan, walked in that something was wrong. Very wrong. What an understatement that would come to be. Her normal chipper was gone, replaced by some expression that was alien to her face. Sorrow contorted her fine-features and her usually bright coral eyes sparked with something other than silent, jovial laughter. There was only one other time I remember seeing her in such a distressed state was during the Dark Turnamate, when she was forced to ferry Yusuke's mater, Gen Kai, to Spirit World after her death by the hands of the younger Toguro brother. Tears flooded her pink-hued eyes at this moment, yet did not shield the emotional pain and pity that shadowed her eyes, but merely clarified them, distorting them into shimmering roundness. She turned her somber-stricken eyes first to me, then to Kuwabara, who, not surprisingly, stood watching her stupidly beside myself. Fresh tears formed at the back of her eyes as she turned back to me, only to look away shamefully, her eyes hooded with her blue bangs, biting her lower lip.

I could feel something churn within me. Something I'll never feel again. Fear.

Tears began to stream down her rosy cheeks and she struggled to wipe them away, shaking her head in silent scolding, making her high pony-tail bob and dance, coming to rest on her shoulder like a comforting blue hand, encouraging her to reveal what she had come to tell us.

"I'm so sorry," she managed to whisper, burying her tear-streaked face in her hands, sobs racking her slight body. "I'm so sorry," she repeated.

Yusuke was the first to approach her, stepping forward and guiding the pilot of the River Styx over to a near-by couch. None of us spoke, knowing it was better to just wait for her to speak. It was an agonizing wait. I don't remember what exactly ran through my head, but I felt queasy, like what happens when you eat too fast and your stomach begs to revolt, but only grumbles in annoyance. I waited for the feeling to pass, but, unfortunately, it didn't.

Finally, what seemed like hours, although it was only a few minutes passed and Botan looked up. Her face was red and swollen, wet and salty streaks burning down her cheeks.

"What's wrong?" I remember hearing Yusuke's voice saying quietly, trying to sooth the excited ferry. I tried to catch her eyes, tried to see the truth, but she refused to look at me. I felt the sickness in my stomach grow more intense. I knew, but denial tried sooth my fried nerves, saying that the Grim Reaper's eyes had lied, that my own eyes had betrayed me, saying that there was nothing wrong. I felt Kurama step up behind me, hardly noticeable, although I felt it. He knew as well. He had a six sense for such things, being the intelligent and perceptive kitsune he was. I couldn't bring myself to look at him, not wanting his eyes to confirm my frightening thoughts.

"Yukina," Botan said quietly. I felt a lead weight drop rudely into the pit of my stomach, antagonizing my ache into a blaring throb. I knew, deep within me, what she was going to say, but denial refused to release me from its comfortable grasp.

"What about my Yukina?" Kuwabara asked. I ignored his 'my' comment. My usual bristle did not rear is head at the sound. I wondered why.

"She's..." Botan sobbed again and it was all I could do not to force the words from her throat, if not by threat, then by force. I clenched my hands, glaring at her sternly. She did not look at me, but I knew that she could feel my intense gaze when she took a sharp breath, grasping her bottom lip in her teeth as she tried to steady its trembling. The throb grew and burned in my diaphram, gutting my internal tissue with every shallow breath I took.

"She's...she's dead." It was barely a whisper, but I heard it as if she had screamed it at the top of her lungs, echoing into the deepest, sacredest corners of my soul and being. And those two words shattered my world until there was nothing more than splinters to shuffle around with a scoffing sneaker. They would change my life forever.

I felt my insides burn and my throat clog irritably. I tried to swallow the lump, but only proved to make it grow until my breath was nothing more than a shallow, burning, pant.

Botan's sobs again consumed her and I watched as Yusuke comforted her, tears in his own eyes. He glanced at me, pity in his eyes, then at Kuwabara, who stood like the stupid oaf he was, gapping in shock. I was numb. I didn't move, but now that I think about it, I don't think I could have, even if I had wanted to. I had felt miles away from my body, looking through two, red glass orbs instead of my own eyes. I felt Kurama's hand rest on my shoulder in silent consolation. I felt it, but never registered its touch.

"How?" Kurama's soft voice asked. But it echoed in the abandon shell of my body. Yet I felt suddenly alive when I hear her cracked voice say, "It was a freak accident." FREAK ACCIDENT?!

"She was in the Makai and there was an avalanche....and." Her voice shuddered, threatening to fail its holding place against the barraging waves of pain. "We found her body just a few hours ago. She's...she's been dead for almost twenty-four hours. I'm so sorry." She turned and buried her face in Yusuke's shirt. I watcher cry into the fabric, clutching the material until her knuckles burned white.

Shock is the only word I can possibly use to describe what I felt. Shock and guilt. Kuwabara's knees seemed to give out from beneath him as he stood beside me and he fell back onto the couch behind him, his face even paler than usual and his eyes blank in disbelief. He trembled as he plopped down, resting his elbows on his knees and running his hands stressfully through his bright orange hair. Yusuke sent him a sympathetic look, which went unnoticed by the lanky ningen.

"Hiei, will you be okay?" the kitsune asked from beside me in a quiet voice. I could feel his expression-filled green eyes on me, but I didn't look up. I did not have the courage to. Suddenly, I felt very vulnerable, as if my lifeline to this world had been severed, I felt very afraid. I wouldn't have been able to stand seeing the pity that I knew was in his eyes. It would break me, I knew.

I hate pity, almost as much as I love, no, loved, Yukina. Yes, the cold and ruthless Hiei, welder of the Dragon of the Darkness Flame, loved someone. She was my sister. How could I not have loved her? There was nothing left to love now.

I nodded dumbly and stepped forward, my feet doing as I requested for reasons I still don't know, walking out the unclosed door. I dare not look at Yusuke, but I felt his pity burn through the air toward me. I did not look back as I walked away.

*

I looked down at my sister's pale face. Her eyes were closed and, if it didn't look so unnatural, you could almost say she was sleeping. Almost, but no. The smile on her face was fake, but it reminded me of her real smiles and how shy and placid they had been. Had been, I remind myself. Her mint-colored hair laid perfectly in place, bound by her usual red tie, which spiked out like an exotic flower behind her. I remember how it brought out the brightness of her eyes, which were so much like my own, reflecting our Koorime heritage. She was wearing a new kimono that was similar to her old one. Her hands lay clasped over her obi.

Her wake was a simple affair, just as she would have wanted it. There were only a few of us, all in black, even the normally brightly-clad Kurama. Yusuke stood solidly beside a freely weeping Keiko, who cried into his shoulder with sobs that shook her shoulders with furious intensity. Botan stood beside the teenage Koenma, who's brown eyes were dull with sadness, standing on the other side of Yusuke, her eyes red and swollen, a tissue gripped firmly in her right hand, which lay glowed in black. Kurama stood next to myself, Kuwabara weeping on his left and the elder Kuwabara, Shizuru on her brother's left. She held her brother patiently, small tears glinting in her eyes. But she did not weep openly like her brother, whose sobs at seeing Yukina only grew louder and more annoying. Not that he could be blamed. He had felt for Yukina in a way I would never come to know.

Kurama looked at me and watched my impassive face. I hated him for it, for showing his pity in his eyes although he might not know it. But it did let me know he cared, yet I hated it. I felt my jaw clench in anger and suddenly I could feel the fires of rage well up within me. But I suppressed them. It would be disrespectful of Yukina. Instead, I looked at her face again. Yukina, my sister, my purpose. She was, no, she is, gone.

*

Now I know what remains of my destiny. It's dark now, the moon giving off psuado-warm light. The tree I have chosen is very tall, its branches full of large green leaves that were shadowed in the darkness and billowed in a passing breeze. Kurama told me to stay close, wanting to keep an eye on me, I suppose. But he was asked by his mother to pick something up for the morning's breakfast. He hesitated, but he would do anything for the ningen woman and so complied, asking me to stay near. I think he knows what might occur if I was left alone. I hope he does not brood on that.

The night is a peaceful one that smells of earth and greenness. Another breeze ruffles my cloak, making it dance like a drunken shadow. But this one is from the northern mountains, bringing with it a slight chill from the northern snows. It reminds me of her scent. There were times when I was actually close enough to catch it, such as when Tarukane captured her to harvest her tear gems and she stepped close to me, grasping my arm as I went to kill the bastard, stopping me. She had smelled of the crisp snow, accented by the scent of wintery trees and icy water that lingered in the northern parts of the Makai. I sighed in its blissful coolness.

I turn my gaze down to my hand, turning an object over in my calloused hands. It catches a startlingly white ray of moonlight glinting the light off it's deadly surface.

I have lived as long as I have for only one reason, one purpose. To protect Yukina. I became stronger for her, to ensure that I could stand up to any foe who dared try to bring harm to her and defeat them. My pain was all for her, for her safety. I know that without the thought, without the need to protect her, these morbid thoughts would have come much earlier in my life. But I am fearless, cold, not afraid of these things I think of. Yet, I was afraid of her, afraid for her, that she would discover my secret and feeling pain in the knowing that I am....correction, I was, her brother. It was a pain I never wated her to feel. And now, it will be a pain I know she will never feel. It's been assured by the will of the Fates. But now, with her leave, I must take my own. She is gone, my hope, my reason for living, so now I am without hope, without a life. I have only to seal the case myself.

I take a look around, using the power of my Jagan Eye, a painful sacrifice taken to help ease Yukina's safety to my paranoid mind, making sure that there was no one around. There was no one, although I know that it would not take long for the rest of the ReiKai Tentai to be there. I look down once again, watching the dark leaves reflect off the metallic surface of my savoir, the moon and the stars, however dull in this world compared to that of the winter region of the Ice Apparitions, reflected wanly off it's surface. I moved my fingers over the caressing blade, drawing blood I know because of the sudden wetness on my hand. The blade of the katana that helped me survive so that I could watch over my sister. I have broken it, and its nothing more than a shattered piece of metal. So much like myself. I tighten my grip on it. A broken protector. A failed protector. That's all I am now. I move to make it hover over my left wrist, wondering if I should regret this. I shake my head. No. I no longer have a purpose. I have failed my life's mission. Those who fail their missions have only one destiny: Death. I can feel the blood spill over my wrist and soak into the material of my cloak, darkening the garment's surface in a sickly puddle. Seeing my own blood is not a new sight for me, but I know that I will die with its dripping in my ears and its scarlet stickiness washing in front of my eyes. The blade made a nice, clean cut, I see, blood flowing easily through its slice like a bubbly red fountain. I can see the blood streaking down the tree branch, dripping down onto the full leaves below, rolling like a creamy red rain drop. I switch the blade to my other hand and repeat the process on my right wrist. Sighing, I lay back on the tree's trunk. Only a few more moments now. Finally, I will be at rest from my duties. Yet do not get the impression that I regret them. I never would change anything I had done to protect her.

I close my eyes now and take in the scent of the earth around me again, although my Jagan is constantly aware of my surroundings. My hands lay on my lap, turning white from the lack of proper circulation. I can feel the blood draining out of me, as well as my life.

My Jagan informs me that Kurama is searching for me. I smile slightly in amusement. He can smell my blood, I know.

Kurama- He does not let me finish using my telepathy to send him a message.

Hiei you fool! His thought is irked, yet worried as well. I smirk.

What do you think you're doing? He's trying to keep the connection, I know, although I can feel it slipping just as my blood slips down the tree.

I have failed my mission, is my simple reply.

This is not the way to make it right.

I could not protect her when she needed me the most, and I am the only one to blame. I take full responsibility for her death.

She lived her own life! There was nothing you could do. If it was not Fate's will that she should be taken, then she would not have been taken. Even if you had been there, if Fate had wanted her, She would have taken her, no matter what. I barely have the strength to shake my head. I am fading quickly.

Kurama, could you do me a favor?

What is it? His voice was softer as he quickly made his way through the thick forest that I had nestled myself in.

Make sure I end up beside her. I want to continue to protect her, even in my death, I said. I could hear his gasp.

Don't Hiei. There's still much to live for, he said desperately. I gave a weak chuckle.

Foolish kitsune. There's nothing left for me here. When your ningen mother dies, do you not plan to return to the Makai? You could almost say its like that for me. You'll return from hence you came, and so shall I.

Don't! Hiei!

It's too late, Kurama. Just promise me. Please. I don't think I've ever begged for anything in my life, and I know that I never will again. He hesitates, drawing closer with each step. But I know that he can smell the massive amounts of my blood that is pouring onto the earth so far below me and he knows that it was too late to save me, even with his expert healing abilities.

Yes, Hiei. I promise.

Thank you. And that's all I want to hear. My current state of weakness has forced me to cut our connection. My breath is shallow now and I'm struggling against consciousness. But I want to stay awake just a little bit longer, to think of her. I should have been there for her. The one time I was not there, she needed me the most. And I failed her. No, I shouldn't dwell on negative thoughts now. Her face fills my mind and I smile. She's safe now, I know, but I'll be with her again soon. Perhaps I should tell her the truth. When I see her again.

I can almost feel Botan waiting for me now. I almost feel bad about leaving them behind. But its the past now. Perhaps the Fates will be kind and offer me a second chance to be her brother, another chance to openly appreciate her.

But for now, I'll just be glad to see her face again. And now, I draw my last breath, leaving behind this life as a felon, an outlaw, to hopefully begin a new one with her support, perhaps. I can only hope as the blackness blankets me and I live no more.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

J: -sniffle- -hands Yusuke tissue box-

Yusuke: -excepts tissue-

J: Hiei, that was so sad. :'(

Hiei: -sits back in computer chair- Well, now that that's done...

J: HIEI!

Kurama: -chuckle- you have to admit, it was extremely angst and sad.

Hiei: -nods- sure.

J: -wipes eyes- cut it out Hiei, that really was sad.

Hiei: I want reviews

J: THEN ASK! Don't be so rude! and you have to do a disclaimer too.

Hiei: -pout- why?

J: -melt- awww. ah, -shakes head- quite being cute!

Hiei: -growl-

J: and its because you're on my account and I don't want to get sued!

Yusuke: -sniffle- aww, c'mon, Hiei, just do the disclaimer.

Hiei: -grumbles- stupid, ningen rules, bakas. ANYWAY. -glare to all- don't sue J-san. she doesn't own any of us and if anyone tries to sue her for this story, I get to chop off their heads! -evil snicker-.

Kurama: 0.0' I think all the sweet snow you've had its going to your head.

J: hey! I needed to find something that would:

1) make him wright

2) not make him so hyper he'd resort to killing to get more.

so back off Foxy!

Kurama: -backs away- okay okay.

J: okay! well, Hiei, you want reviews, then ask!

Hiei: review.

J: ASK!

Hiei: will no one review my story? -chibi pout-

Teary-Fangirls: -melt- ahh!

J: crap! how many times do I have to kick them out!? -fume and stalks toward fangirls, who quickly retreat-

Hiei: baka ningen onnas. well, I would like some reviews. Prehaps I will create another of these in the future? if it suits me.

Kurama: I get to go next, J-chan promised.

Hiei: -growl- damn.

Yusuke: -grin- and I get one too, so get in line Fire-boy.

J: -stalks back in- sorry guys, I hafta go to bed. Apple Fest is this weekend and I have to get some sleep before I get up at 6 to go feed the horses! say good-bye!

All: aww...J-chan...

J: now!

All: okay.

Yusuke: bye!

Kurama: farewell.

Hiei: hn. review.

J: -glare to Hiei- bye everyone! until next time!

10-14-03