Putting the Pieces Back
Written by BlueFern
Care
Things were getting clearer. She was warm now.
The woman had given her very comfortable clothes to sleep in.
Her arms hurt. But she guessed that was to be expected. They had been bleeding after all.
She sat drinking some juice as the woman combed her hair… wait no….
She knew her!
"Buffy."
"Hey." Surprise in her voice.
"I… I..." Why can't I tell her what is going on?
"It's all right. We can talk tomorrow. I just want you to rest." Buffy told her.
I nodded my head. I honestly don't even know what I would tell her. I don't really know myself.
Buffy kissed my cheek and tucked me into bed.
"Goodnight Dawn. I love you."
"Night."
The door was closed and I was alone.
Always alone the air seemed to breathe.
Why do I not understand what is happening? Shouldn't I know?
This has to be real. I am real. I breathe. I think. I live. But it all feels fake.
Is this how Buffy feels since she has been brought back? Living a lie?
I shouldn't be here.
She shouldn't be here.
We both should be dead. She died because of me. But it should have been me.
I know I have done this to her before. So many times.
Made her worry about me.
Where had I gone? Was I hurt? Did I do it myself or some demon?
She seems to be trying so hard to help. She has enough to deal with.
I want to make it easier for her. I don't mean to be such a brat.
At least I don't think I do…
It would have been better for everyone if I'd never existed.
Lately it feels like I am fading away.
Willow never acknowledges me anymore. As if I am not even there.
Xander has his moments where he just seems to forget I am in the room.
When Giles calls he will talk to everyone but never me. Like I am not even on his mind.
These occurrences are increasing. It used to be from time to time. Now it is everyday.
I noticed it during the summer when she was gone.
The only one who never ever forgot me was Spike.
He was always there for me. I was never ignored or brushed aside.
I think I was all he thought about. Maybe if he let himself think of others he would split apart.
He didn't even think of himself. I know it. He would get so thin because he forgot to eat.
Or he would return from patrolling with injuries that he never took care of.
None of the Scoobies ever cared enough to help him.
Even I would just… let it happen.
I was suffering and didn't want comfort.
He was the same.
But things are different now. So different.
I don't know him anymore. I don't know me. Anger and rage at both of us is all I seem to have.
Why did he leave when Buffy returned? I needed both of them.
I got neither.
Buffy wasn't herself and Spike; it turns out, focused completely on her. Forgetting me.
I try to go to him. See if he will just be with me again.
But he isn't really even there.
All I see is insanity in his eyes. Where there used to be laughter, mischief and strength.
I want comfort. But he has none to give.
Mother used to be the one who would be there when I needed her.
I need her more than anyone.
And she is gone forever. I will always need her. Just like I needed Buffy.
Needing others has made me weak. But I don't know any other way.
I want to be independent and strong but there are so many hurtles.
He would give me advice. If he could. I know he would.
I don't need his help. All he has done is hurt. Me and Buffy.
Of course that isn't completely true…
I don't know what to feel. And whatever that feeling should be, would it be real? Or forced?
I am so exhausted of pretending to be happy. Of not caring that everyone leaves.
The only ones who have returned came back so different that I don't know them.
I am not the same girl I was two years ago. I know this.
But I so wish I could go back to being her.
The simpler happy times. Everything is life or death, pain or fear now.
Even in school I can't be what I was. My friends don't know me.
I can never let them see me. They would all turn away.
I don't remember what made me decide that cutting myself was a good way to deal.
I don't want to die. Not really.
Maybe that is why I go to areas where I will be found…
By the only person who can even remotely understand.
If he can understand anything these days.
I turn in my bed. I can hear Buffy walking around downstairs.
When does she sleep?
I go to bed while she is still up and then when I wake up she is already awake.
Does she sleep?
I close my eyes and hope that I will stop thinking long enough so that I can fall asleep.
~
Please review!
Written by BlueFern
Care
Things were getting clearer. She was warm now.
The woman had given her very comfortable clothes to sleep in.
Her arms hurt. But she guessed that was to be expected. They had been bleeding after all.
She sat drinking some juice as the woman combed her hair… wait no….
She knew her!
"Buffy."
"Hey." Surprise in her voice.
"I… I..." Why can't I tell her what is going on?
"It's all right. We can talk tomorrow. I just want you to rest." Buffy told her.
I nodded my head. I honestly don't even know what I would tell her. I don't really know myself.
Buffy kissed my cheek and tucked me into bed.
"Goodnight Dawn. I love you."
"Night."
The door was closed and I was alone.
Always alone the air seemed to breathe.
Why do I not understand what is happening? Shouldn't I know?
This has to be real. I am real. I breathe. I think. I live. But it all feels fake.
Is this how Buffy feels since she has been brought back? Living a lie?
I shouldn't be here.
She shouldn't be here.
We both should be dead. She died because of me. But it should have been me.
I know I have done this to her before. So many times.
Made her worry about me.
Where had I gone? Was I hurt? Did I do it myself or some demon?
She seems to be trying so hard to help. She has enough to deal with.
I want to make it easier for her. I don't mean to be such a brat.
At least I don't think I do…
It would have been better for everyone if I'd never existed.
Lately it feels like I am fading away.
Willow never acknowledges me anymore. As if I am not even there.
Xander has his moments where he just seems to forget I am in the room.
When Giles calls he will talk to everyone but never me. Like I am not even on his mind.
These occurrences are increasing. It used to be from time to time. Now it is everyday.
I noticed it during the summer when she was gone.
The only one who never ever forgot me was Spike.
He was always there for me. I was never ignored or brushed aside.
I think I was all he thought about. Maybe if he let himself think of others he would split apart.
He didn't even think of himself. I know it. He would get so thin because he forgot to eat.
Or he would return from patrolling with injuries that he never took care of.
None of the Scoobies ever cared enough to help him.
Even I would just… let it happen.
I was suffering and didn't want comfort.
He was the same.
But things are different now. So different.
I don't know him anymore. I don't know me. Anger and rage at both of us is all I seem to have.
Why did he leave when Buffy returned? I needed both of them.
I got neither.
Buffy wasn't herself and Spike; it turns out, focused completely on her. Forgetting me.
I try to go to him. See if he will just be with me again.
But he isn't really even there.
All I see is insanity in his eyes. Where there used to be laughter, mischief and strength.
I want comfort. But he has none to give.
Mother used to be the one who would be there when I needed her.
I need her more than anyone.
And she is gone forever. I will always need her. Just like I needed Buffy.
Needing others has made me weak. But I don't know any other way.
I want to be independent and strong but there are so many hurtles.
He would give me advice. If he could. I know he would.
I don't need his help. All he has done is hurt. Me and Buffy.
Of course that isn't completely true…
I don't know what to feel. And whatever that feeling should be, would it be real? Or forced?
I am so exhausted of pretending to be happy. Of not caring that everyone leaves.
The only ones who have returned came back so different that I don't know them.
I am not the same girl I was two years ago. I know this.
But I so wish I could go back to being her.
The simpler happy times. Everything is life or death, pain or fear now.
Even in school I can't be what I was. My friends don't know me.
I can never let them see me. They would all turn away.
I don't remember what made me decide that cutting myself was a good way to deal.
I don't want to die. Not really.
Maybe that is why I go to areas where I will be found…
By the only person who can even remotely understand.
If he can understand anything these days.
I turn in my bed. I can hear Buffy walking around downstairs.
When does she sleep?
I go to bed while she is still up and then when I wake up she is already awake.
Does she sleep?
I close my eyes and hope that I will stop thinking long enough so that I can fall asleep.
~
Please review!