Putting the Pieces Back
Written by BlueFern
Dust
I go as quietly as I can, down the stairs to the basement.
It is so dark down here. Why are there hardly any lights?
I get this horrible feeling every time I come down here.
And I certainly don't feel any better once I find him.
Sometimes it seems to take forever.
The walls really must move.
I always know my surroundings, wherever I am but it is different here every time I descend the stairs.
There have been times where I hear him. And I can follow that to his location.
But the last few times he has been silent. Staying quiet.
I think this is one of those times.
I wander around. Not calling out to him because I know he won't answer.
Finally I see him crouched in a corner with his hand on top of his head.
I have seen him in this position too much lately.
Part of me feels immense guilt for his current situation.
He went to change himself for me. He tried to better himself for my love.
But all it did was destroy him.
I destroyed him.
We were both so bad to each other. But I now believe that we could have been good.
If I wasn't so closed off to every real thing around me.
Including his love.
I let him in. But not really.
I still don't understand how that is possible. I needed him but at the same time denied that need.
Now he needs me but won't ask for help. And if he did I still don't know what I would say.
I want to be the kind of person who will help those who need it.
But I am scared of bringing him into my life. My feelings are just too raw.
He looks up at me. Oh, he has been crying.
Spike isn't supposed to cry!
I sit down in front of him and reach a hand out to take his.
"Don't!" He screeches and shuffles away from my touch. "Dirty. Filthy. Stained. Don't touch!"
"Ok. No touching." He relaxes just alittle.
We sit silently for awhile.
I look at him. His eyes are not the Spike I knew. They are the eyes of a scared and tortured man.
Will I ever see love and strength in them again?
If I can forgive my best friend for murder how can I not forgive him?
He has proven himself to be more than anyone ever believed he could be.
I would use him for pleasure and pain. To feel. I wanted his body. Now I want him. But he is gone.
He did it all for me.
How do I deal with that?
Will someone please tell me?
"Are you hungry?" I ask.
He looks away from me. I don't know what to say to him. Can he even understand me?
He has moments where I swear he is the old Spike again. But they are so few.
I have seen him pull himself out of his memories and insanity long enough to help me.
Be my partner for a short time.
He means so much to me.
I don't want him to be this important. But he is.
It took me too long to come to this simple fact.
I need him.
Is it too late? Can I save him?
He has saved me so many times in so many different ways.
I don't even think he knows that I would be dead without him.
This summer was even harder than I ever expected it to be.
His absence in my life was so terrible.
Our last encounter so devastating to us both.
But it seemed to have been so much worse for him than I ever imagined.
I had been telling myself that his love wasn't true. He didn't feel.
Everything was so incredibly wrong. I was wrong.
But he was still my constant.
Whatever I needed or wanted he would freely give.
I just took too much from him, without giving any in return.
He says he just wanted a crumb. He must have felt like I gave him one to go to such extremes.
"Slayer. Why are you here?"
Startled out of my thoughts, I stare at him. He is looking right at me with clear eyes.
He looks like himself right now.
Honestly seems perplexed that I am sitting here with him.
"Umm. I wanted to see how you were. And take a break from the students."
He nods his head. "Job stressing you out?"
"Oh no. I love it. It is so much better than flipping burgers. I just…"
He waits for me to continue.
He is so patient with me. I have never been with him. Until recently that is.
"They tell me their problems. And I don't really know what to say sometimes."
"You can't make it all better with words. But you can lead them in the right direction." He tells me.
"I don't think they will really listen." And I don't. Why listen to my advice?
"They come to you don't they?" He answers.
But what if I lead them the wrong way? I can't possibly have the right answers to their questions.
I have been wrong about way too many things. How can I make it better for them?
I am still putting the pieces of myself back together.
"Yeah. They do."
We sit silently once again.
It takes time to heal. I desperately want to fix him.
"Hungry? I brought you something." I take the container of blood out of my bag.
"No no no no. Wrong wrong. Bad can't won't." He's lost again.
"It's ok. Ssshhh. If you don't want it now that is fine. I will leave it over here."
I place the container on a dust-covered cabinet.
He is rocking now. Oh damn I didn't want to upset him.
Am I helping at all being here? Maybe I make it worse?
"Spike. You have to eat. There is nothing wrong with that."
"I'll be good. I can be good. I can help. Fix the wrongs."
"Yes you can. You have." I sit once again. Closer this time.
"You helped Dawn. She is doing much better today."
He looks up at me.
Dust and scars. Sorrow and pain.
He is so much more. I have to bring him back.
"I should get going. I think my break is over."
I want to stay longer but can't.
He puts his hand back over his head. But has stopped rocking.
"Bye Spike." I get up and head in the direction I came.
~
Written by BlueFern
Dust
I go as quietly as I can, down the stairs to the basement.
It is so dark down here. Why are there hardly any lights?
I get this horrible feeling every time I come down here.
And I certainly don't feel any better once I find him.
Sometimes it seems to take forever.
The walls really must move.
I always know my surroundings, wherever I am but it is different here every time I descend the stairs.
There have been times where I hear him. And I can follow that to his location.
But the last few times he has been silent. Staying quiet.
I think this is one of those times.
I wander around. Not calling out to him because I know he won't answer.
Finally I see him crouched in a corner with his hand on top of his head.
I have seen him in this position too much lately.
Part of me feels immense guilt for his current situation.
He went to change himself for me. He tried to better himself for my love.
But all it did was destroy him.
I destroyed him.
We were both so bad to each other. But I now believe that we could have been good.
If I wasn't so closed off to every real thing around me.
Including his love.
I let him in. But not really.
I still don't understand how that is possible. I needed him but at the same time denied that need.
Now he needs me but won't ask for help. And if he did I still don't know what I would say.
I want to be the kind of person who will help those who need it.
But I am scared of bringing him into my life. My feelings are just too raw.
He looks up at me. Oh, he has been crying.
Spike isn't supposed to cry!
I sit down in front of him and reach a hand out to take his.
"Don't!" He screeches and shuffles away from my touch. "Dirty. Filthy. Stained. Don't touch!"
"Ok. No touching." He relaxes just alittle.
We sit silently for awhile.
I look at him. His eyes are not the Spike I knew. They are the eyes of a scared and tortured man.
Will I ever see love and strength in them again?
If I can forgive my best friend for murder how can I not forgive him?
He has proven himself to be more than anyone ever believed he could be.
I would use him for pleasure and pain. To feel. I wanted his body. Now I want him. But he is gone.
He did it all for me.
How do I deal with that?
Will someone please tell me?
"Are you hungry?" I ask.
He looks away from me. I don't know what to say to him. Can he even understand me?
He has moments where I swear he is the old Spike again. But they are so few.
I have seen him pull himself out of his memories and insanity long enough to help me.
Be my partner for a short time.
He means so much to me.
I don't want him to be this important. But he is.
It took me too long to come to this simple fact.
I need him.
Is it too late? Can I save him?
He has saved me so many times in so many different ways.
I don't even think he knows that I would be dead without him.
This summer was even harder than I ever expected it to be.
His absence in my life was so terrible.
Our last encounter so devastating to us both.
But it seemed to have been so much worse for him than I ever imagined.
I had been telling myself that his love wasn't true. He didn't feel.
Everything was so incredibly wrong. I was wrong.
But he was still my constant.
Whatever I needed or wanted he would freely give.
I just took too much from him, without giving any in return.
He says he just wanted a crumb. He must have felt like I gave him one to go to such extremes.
"Slayer. Why are you here?"
Startled out of my thoughts, I stare at him. He is looking right at me with clear eyes.
He looks like himself right now.
Honestly seems perplexed that I am sitting here with him.
"Umm. I wanted to see how you were. And take a break from the students."
He nods his head. "Job stressing you out?"
"Oh no. I love it. It is so much better than flipping burgers. I just…"
He waits for me to continue.
He is so patient with me. I have never been with him. Until recently that is.
"They tell me their problems. And I don't really know what to say sometimes."
"You can't make it all better with words. But you can lead them in the right direction." He tells me.
"I don't think they will really listen." And I don't. Why listen to my advice?
"They come to you don't they?" He answers.
But what if I lead them the wrong way? I can't possibly have the right answers to their questions.
I have been wrong about way too many things. How can I make it better for them?
I am still putting the pieces of myself back together.
"Yeah. They do."
We sit silently once again.
It takes time to heal. I desperately want to fix him.
"Hungry? I brought you something." I take the container of blood out of my bag.
"No no no no. Wrong wrong. Bad can't won't." He's lost again.
"It's ok. Ssshhh. If you don't want it now that is fine. I will leave it over here."
I place the container on a dust-covered cabinet.
He is rocking now. Oh damn I didn't want to upset him.
Am I helping at all being here? Maybe I make it worse?
"Spike. You have to eat. There is nothing wrong with that."
"I'll be good. I can be good. I can help. Fix the wrongs."
"Yes you can. You have." I sit once again. Closer this time.
"You helped Dawn. She is doing much better today."
He looks up at me.
Dust and scars. Sorrow and pain.
He is so much more. I have to bring him back.
"I should get going. I think my break is over."
I want to stay longer but can't.
He puts his hand back over his head. But has stopped rocking.
"Bye Spike." I get up and head in the direction I came.
~