Putting the Pieces Back
Written by BlueFern
Lost
I sit listening to her clean the dishes.
I feel useless. I want to help. But I am so tired.
I slept late today and I stayed home from school.
It was both nice and frightening to have the house to myself.
I need time to think. To get myself together.
But not having anyone here, in case I did something I shouldn't have, was difficult.
Willow has gone back to school.
Returning to her life. Having a life.
And Buffy has a job that makes me proud.
She gets to help people during the day now.
I don't know if I am in my right mind all the time.
Things get fuzzy and I don't know what is real anymore.
I honestly think I might be disappearing.
I was made up from memories basically.
Well that plus Slayer blood and ancient powerful energy.
Except I'm not. Not in her eyes.
She has gotten so much better this summer.
It still felt like she was missing something but she hid that from me.
I was what was important.
So much so that I felt slightly overwhelmed.
I don't know what is better; distant-closed off Buffy or with-me-all-the-time Buffy.
Can't they meet somewhere in the middle?
I know I love her. But her continuing assurance that things are better feels false.
I don't feel like I am getting better.
Spike definitely isn't getting better.
Maybe she has. Or she could just be faking it all.
Would she understand if I told her I'm lost and that just maybe she can find me?
I just don't know how.
I don't know why I am lost or how I came to be.
But it just feels that way to me.
Why can't this feeling be fake like all my other feeling have become?
I look back and know that I used to have genuine feelings.
When I was happy, it was natural. When I was angry, it was real. When I was sad, it was true.
But now the only real thing seems to be this loneliness and confusion.
Being lost will destroy me. I have to find my way to whatever will save me.
Spike is lost in his mind. His soul must be quite a burden.
Maybe that is why I am fading away…
I have no soul.
Perhaps my energy is dissolving and me along with it?
Maybe there isn't anything or anyone that can save me.
Maybe that is for the best.
What good will I ever do?
I want to make a difference, make things better.
I just don't believe that is possible.
How do others live knowing they won't change anything?
I could have.
I could have saved the world.
But she did.
She should have lived. It would have been better for everyone.
Am I someone worth dying for?
She thought so then. I guess she still thinks that now.
Really don't see what she sees though. Wish I did.
Maybe I wouldn't be so messed up.
I hear the radio volume turn down and the water stops running.
"Dawn, do you want a glass of juice before dinner?" She calls from the kitchen.
"I'm good." Not really hungry either but I'm not telling her that.
She seems hell bent on feeding me all the time now.
Huh maybe she is making up for not noticing me last year.
I don't blame her. I'm not angry with her. Not anymore.
I think I understand just a smidgen of what she has gone through.
Of course now she doesn't get what I am going through.
Probably because I don't talk to her.
What if I tell her and my fears become reality and everything crumbles?
Pretending it will go away might work…
Or not. Considering things only seem to be getting worse.
Maybe I should try and tell her.
Where do I begin?
I know she wants to help. I want her help.
I am scared.
I am falling apart and I don't know how to stop it.
She walks into the living room and sits on the couch with me.
"I made spaghetti and garlic bread! Yummy yumm!" She has a big smile on her face.
"That sounds good." I flatly reply. I don't know if I can be excited about food.
Or anything for that matter.
"Come on. You can help me set the table." She gets up and extends her hand to me.
"Ok." She gently pulls me up off the comfy couch and heads to the dining room.
"Xander is coming. And so is Willow! At least she told me she would be here."
She hands me the dishes and goes to get the silverware.
"This is going to be a great dinner. Don't you think?"
Wow she is really in a good mood. Considering last night…
I answer her, "Yeah. It will be good to see them. They are both so busy lately."
"We can catch up. Have a good time."
Sometimes her smile can be contagious.
She places the napkins down and waits for me to put the dishes in their places.
"Things are going really good. My job is great! Willow has her own place now."
Here she goes again. Telling me all the positive things.
"Did you know that Xander has gotten promoted again!"
"I'll have to congratulate him."
"Let him tell you about what he does now. He's going to love telling you!"
She laughs this little laugh. I don't get the joke.
I'll probably get it later I'm sure.
"Do you think we should call Giles tonight? See how he is doing. You can talk with him if you want…"
Ok this is new. She never really wants to call Giles. He calls first.
"Uh. Sure." Maybe I can see if he remembers me.
The glasses are put around the table just as there is knock at the door and the timer in the kitchen goes off.
"Can you get that? I need to drain the noodles. Thanks Dawnie."
She heads to the kitchen.
I really don't want to see them.
I would have liked alittle more time to prepare for their dismissal of me.
It hurts. Knowing they don't care. Or just don't remember caring.
When did we start locking the doors anyway?
It would be easier to call that the door was open and they can let themselves in.
But now I have to come face to face with them.
Willow still frightens me. She tried to kill me.
Perhaps she has been…
Maybe she did a spell? That is slowing making me vanish?
Oh that is probably ridiculous.
Now I am paranoid as well as confused. Great!
I open the door and let Xander in.
"Hi! How are you? You look rather wiped. Bad day at school?" He says handing me some cheese.
I guess we were out of parmesan again.
"I stayed home today. Didn't sleep well." I turn away from him and enter the dining room.
I put the cheese on the table. Oh yeah this is going to be fun!
"Oh well then, make sure to get to bed early tonight. I won't keep you up! Promise." He smiles at me.
"Thanks." I just want to go to my room and be alone.
But I can't leave. Buffy would be upset.
She comes in carrying a big pan of pasta. "Hey Xander!"
"Hi ya Buffy! Thanks for inviting me to dinner." He helps her put the pan down.
"No problem. I don't get to see much of you lately. We miss you."
"Yeah been really busy. Sometimes even forget to eat! Me forgetting to chow down! Ha!" He exclaims.
Glad he finds himself amusing.
"Just another reason for me to be thankful for the dinner. It looks great!" I am kinda hungry now…
"There is more. Dawn can you help me please?"
I follow her into the kitchen where she hands me a plate with garlic bread.
"Are you all right? Do you need anything?" Sheesh! I must look as bad as I feel!
"I'm fine. Just tired and hungry."
"Well then lets sit down and start eating." She nudges me out the door.
"Oh yumm garlic bread! Can I have one now or are we waiting for Willow?" asks Xander.
"No Willow will probably be late, so lets dig in." Buffy says this as she puts the sauce down.
I hope she doesn't make it. I feel better when she isn't around.
"Great!" Xander starts to serve himself.
The conversation is mostly between Buffy and Xander.
I think they have noticed I am not in a talking mood.
She seems disappointed that I am not enjoying myself.
Maybe she thinks that having others around makes me feel better.
But it doesn't.
I should talk to her.
Let her know why I am uncomfortable around everyone except her.
Later. Soon.
I will talk to her soon.
~
Written by BlueFern
Lost
I sit listening to her clean the dishes.
I feel useless. I want to help. But I am so tired.
I slept late today and I stayed home from school.
It was both nice and frightening to have the house to myself.
I need time to think. To get myself together.
But not having anyone here, in case I did something I shouldn't have, was difficult.
Willow has gone back to school.
Returning to her life. Having a life.
And Buffy has a job that makes me proud.
She gets to help people during the day now.
I don't know if I am in my right mind all the time.
Things get fuzzy and I don't know what is real anymore.
I honestly think I might be disappearing.
I was made up from memories basically.
Well that plus Slayer blood and ancient powerful energy.
Except I'm not. Not in her eyes.
She has gotten so much better this summer.
It still felt like she was missing something but she hid that from me.
I was what was important.
So much so that I felt slightly overwhelmed.
I don't know what is better; distant-closed off Buffy or with-me-all-the-time Buffy.
Can't they meet somewhere in the middle?
I know I love her. But her continuing assurance that things are better feels false.
I don't feel like I am getting better.
Spike definitely isn't getting better.
Maybe she has. Or she could just be faking it all.
Would she understand if I told her I'm lost and that just maybe she can find me?
I just don't know how.
I don't know why I am lost or how I came to be.
But it just feels that way to me.
Why can't this feeling be fake like all my other feeling have become?
I look back and know that I used to have genuine feelings.
When I was happy, it was natural. When I was angry, it was real. When I was sad, it was true.
But now the only real thing seems to be this loneliness and confusion.
Being lost will destroy me. I have to find my way to whatever will save me.
Spike is lost in his mind. His soul must be quite a burden.
Maybe that is why I am fading away…
I have no soul.
Perhaps my energy is dissolving and me along with it?
Maybe there isn't anything or anyone that can save me.
Maybe that is for the best.
What good will I ever do?
I want to make a difference, make things better.
I just don't believe that is possible.
How do others live knowing they won't change anything?
I could have.
I could have saved the world.
But she did.
She should have lived. It would have been better for everyone.
Am I someone worth dying for?
She thought so then. I guess she still thinks that now.
Really don't see what she sees though. Wish I did.
Maybe I wouldn't be so messed up.
I hear the radio volume turn down and the water stops running.
"Dawn, do you want a glass of juice before dinner?" She calls from the kitchen.
"I'm good." Not really hungry either but I'm not telling her that.
She seems hell bent on feeding me all the time now.
Huh maybe she is making up for not noticing me last year.
I don't blame her. I'm not angry with her. Not anymore.
I think I understand just a smidgen of what she has gone through.
Of course now she doesn't get what I am going through.
Probably because I don't talk to her.
What if I tell her and my fears become reality and everything crumbles?
Pretending it will go away might work…
Or not. Considering things only seem to be getting worse.
Maybe I should try and tell her.
Where do I begin?
I know she wants to help. I want her help.
I am scared.
I am falling apart and I don't know how to stop it.
She walks into the living room and sits on the couch with me.
"I made spaghetti and garlic bread! Yummy yumm!" She has a big smile on her face.
"That sounds good." I flatly reply. I don't know if I can be excited about food.
Or anything for that matter.
"Come on. You can help me set the table." She gets up and extends her hand to me.
"Ok." She gently pulls me up off the comfy couch and heads to the dining room.
"Xander is coming. And so is Willow! At least she told me she would be here."
She hands me the dishes and goes to get the silverware.
"This is going to be a great dinner. Don't you think?"
Wow she is really in a good mood. Considering last night…
I answer her, "Yeah. It will be good to see them. They are both so busy lately."
"We can catch up. Have a good time."
Sometimes her smile can be contagious.
She places the napkins down and waits for me to put the dishes in their places.
"Things are going really good. My job is great! Willow has her own place now."
Here she goes again. Telling me all the positive things.
"Did you know that Xander has gotten promoted again!"
"I'll have to congratulate him."
"Let him tell you about what he does now. He's going to love telling you!"
She laughs this little laugh. I don't get the joke.
I'll probably get it later I'm sure.
"Do you think we should call Giles tonight? See how he is doing. You can talk with him if you want…"
Ok this is new. She never really wants to call Giles. He calls first.
"Uh. Sure." Maybe I can see if he remembers me.
The glasses are put around the table just as there is knock at the door and the timer in the kitchen goes off.
"Can you get that? I need to drain the noodles. Thanks Dawnie."
She heads to the kitchen.
I really don't want to see them.
I would have liked alittle more time to prepare for their dismissal of me.
It hurts. Knowing they don't care. Or just don't remember caring.
When did we start locking the doors anyway?
It would be easier to call that the door was open and they can let themselves in.
But now I have to come face to face with them.
Willow still frightens me. She tried to kill me.
Perhaps she has been…
Maybe she did a spell? That is slowing making me vanish?
Oh that is probably ridiculous.
Now I am paranoid as well as confused. Great!
I open the door and let Xander in.
"Hi! How are you? You look rather wiped. Bad day at school?" He says handing me some cheese.
I guess we were out of parmesan again.
"I stayed home today. Didn't sleep well." I turn away from him and enter the dining room.
I put the cheese on the table. Oh yeah this is going to be fun!
"Oh well then, make sure to get to bed early tonight. I won't keep you up! Promise." He smiles at me.
"Thanks." I just want to go to my room and be alone.
But I can't leave. Buffy would be upset.
She comes in carrying a big pan of pasta. "Hey Xander!"
"Hi ya Buffy! Thanks for inviting me to dinner." He helps her put the pan down.
"No problem. I don't get to see much of you lately. We miss you."
"Yeah been really busy. Sometimes even forget to eat! Me forgetting to chow down! Ha!" He exclaims.
Glad he finds himself amusing.
"Just another reason for me to be thankful for the dinner. It looks great!" I am kinda hungry now…
"There is more. Dawn can you help me please?"
I follow her into the kitchen where she hands me a plate with garlic bread.
"Are you all right? Do you need anything?" Sheesh! I must look as bad as I feel!
"I'm fine. Just tired and hungry."
"Well then lets sit down and start eating." She nudges me out the door.
"Oh yumm garlic bread! Can I have one now or are we waiting for Willow?" asks Xander.
"No Willow will probably be late, so lets dig in." Buffy says this as she puts the sauce down.
I hope she doesn't make it. I feel better when she isn't around.
"Great!" Xander starts to serve himself.
The conversation is mostly between Buffy and Xander.
I think they have noticed I am not in a talking mood.
She seems disappointed that I am not enjoying myself.
Maybe she thinks that having others around makes me feel better.
But it doesn't.
I should talk to her.
Let her know why I am uncomfortable around everyone except her.
Later. Soon.
I will talk to her soon.
~