Putting the Pieces Back
Written by BlueFern
Time
Some days still feel like forever.
I remember coming back and just thinking how it never ends.
I never end.
I am always fighting. Always surviving.
Even when I finished, I started again.
I didn't have a say in this beginning. But I have in the past.
I have taken hold of my life before.
I ran away from home.
Started new. Without a past or destiny.
But I learned that my life is here.
I can't escape it. Or ignore it.
I killed the man I loved because of it.
He came back though.
From hell. Where I sent him.
Still doesn't mean he was mine.
He didn't return for me.
He left. Hasn't returned.
But the funny thing is…
I don't want him to.
The person he loved is dead. I can't bring her back.
The person I am now is different.
I am getting comfortable with the change.
Took some terrible things happening to me and around me, for me to accept it.
I don't think Dawn accepts who she is. She wants to be something else, someone else.
She doesn't need to be. She is who she is. And I love her.
But she has to go through this alone. As horrible a thought as that is…
I will be there to help but I can't stop it.
She has to make realizations about herself. It isn't an instant thing.
Changing takes time. And she will have it. I will give it to her.
Just like I will give it to him.
I come down the stairs once again.
I really hate this basement.
Would he let me take him out of here?
I will have to think on that further. This is not a move I can do lightly.
I must protect Dawn first.
I walk down the corridor.
There is a room in my house. And I trust him. But he isn't completely himself right now.
Even after what he tried to do, I trust him.
Maybe I shouldn't. But I have for such a long time now that I can't just… stop.
He has been there for me when others couldn't or wouldn't.
He understands me.
I have shown him the absolute worse of myself and all he ever does is ask for more.
He still loves me. He knows me and he loves me.
I used that to my advantage last year. Hurting him and using him.
He knows that now. Maybe even then he knew. He still took it all. Anything I gave him.
While others left because I didn't give them enough…
He wants to be mine. But he already is.
I don't know when that happened actually…
But it did.
He's mine.
I just can't tell him that. Not until he can fully understand.
I can't seem to find him today. I have searched all over.
Did he leave? He knows I come to him. He wouldn't leave.
This is taking too long. By the time I find him I will have to leave and find my way out of this maze.
Another few minutes then I have to go.
Maybe I should try something new.
"Spike?" It isn't a shout or cry. Just a beckoning.
I want to find him.
Ever since I couldn't find him when I needed him to protect Dawn, from my best friend;
I get this dreaded feeling that he has given up.
That his never-ending devotion to me is gone.
That he might be gone.
I hear a rustling just down a ways.
He doesn't usually hide.
He stays hidden but he doesn't hide.
"Spike?" Quieter now.
I stop in front of a row of cabinets.
I pull one forward and look around.
There he is. Looking incredibly frightened.
"Hey. It's ok. What are you doing back there?" I calmly ask.
"They won't find me here." His voice is trembling.
Then he changes from fear to terror.
"Oh! But you found me!"
"Yes I did. But I won't hurt you. And I will keep whoever is searching for you away. Alright?"
He looks at me. Just then seems to realize it is me, not some ghost. "Yeah you will."
"Good. Can you come out?"
He stands up and comes around the obstacles of cabinets and desks.
"Great. Very good. Now…" I trail off seeing his shirt is ripped in a new place.
And I can see his chest. Where there are new cuts!
"What did you do?" I can't really yell at Dawn right now but I sure as hell can at him.
Does he think that hurting himself makes up for those he has hurt? It doesn't make me feel any better!
He starts to back up really quickly.
"Oh no! Don't run off." I advance toward him.
"I have to! They demand my blood. I must give it back to them. It is theirs!"
"No it is not! You have to stop doing this. Please." I plead with him.
I can't have both of them bleeding themselves.
He looks confused at what I have said.
I reach a hand out to take his arm. Wrong thing to do.
He backs up further and so fast that he hits the wall, hard.
He falls to the floor where he cowers.
"Spike." What do I say? I want him to stop but what right do I have to tell him that?
But he is mine. He should do what I ask him.
"I don't want you to be hurt."
"The pain is real. Makes me real." He answers my pathetic attempt at affection.
He has that haunted look in his eyes again.
"Yes pain is real. But it isn't necessary. It doesn't make things better."
This just makes it worse. Now he seems immensely upset.
"You want to make things better, then you can't be doing this anymore." Maybe that will do something.
"But they will be angry. I can't stop." He seems so sure this will make a difference.
"Who are you more worried about making angry? Me or some stupid blood demanding ghosts?"
He would always put me first. Hopefully that is the same even now that he has a soul.
He is so different from Angel. He may be crazy but he is still Spike.
My broken Spike.
I am the reason he has done this. I pushed him to it without even meaning to.
"Will you stop? I want you to stop."
He seems torn but quietly answers, "yes."
I sit down in front of him and put my hand out.
He looks at it for awhile before he takes it.
His touch. I have missed it more than I care to admit.
He stares at our hands. As do I.
His hands are the hands of a fighter and a lover.
He will go into battle with only his fists and fangs. Just as he has told me.
But his hands have also been there to pick me up and comfort me when I shove everyone else away.
His hands have brought me more pleasure than any other.
They have also brought pain.
I look at my hands and only see the hands of a fighter.
My hands are so small. But all they seemed to bring him was harm.
Now I want to use them to lead him and heal him.
"Spike. Will you let me help you?" He won't ask. I will.
I never really asked for his help before. Just always expected him to give it.
And he did. He was there for me. Even when I refused that help and took only what I wanted.
Want and need.
I have both for him but it has gotten so complicated now.
I know he feels the same way. When has anything ever been simple between us?
His love is real. I can't deny it any longer.
And this is something that I both need and want.
But is it right to take it from him? I don't know if I can return it.
Can I love?
What is love anyways? Do you know when you feel it?
Is it always there? Just like I feel he has always been mine?
I know he wasn't always mine but it feels like it.
"I can't." He says.
"No you can. I can. We can help each other." I insist.
"Wrong. Don't." He is so quiet.
"It is not wrong to want to help Spike. You want to help me… Why can't I help you?"
He pulls his hand away.
"Because I am wrong. I don't deserve your help."
"You have helped me more than you know. Of course you deserve it!"
He shakes his head.
"Please let me help you. You don't even drink the blood I give you. Do you?"
I never see the containers but I also know he is wasting away. He isn't eating.
"Never hungry. You shouldn't bring it."
This is pissing me off.
"I can do what I want Spike. But then so can you."
I sigh. I think I have stayed long enough.
"I hope you change your mind. It would be for the best. I'll talk to you later."
I get up and this time, don't leave the blood.
I will see what he says tomorrow before making him do anything.
I also should talk to Dawn tonight.
The dinner didn't exactly go as I thought it would.
But she did look at me like she wanted to say something.
She just doesn't know how.
Well maybe it is time to open up to her and see if she can follow my lead.
~
Written by BlueFern
Time
Some days still feel like forever.
I remember coming back and just thinking how it never ends.
I never end.
I am always fighting. Always surviving.
Even when I finished, I started again.
I didn't have a say in this beginning. But I have in the past.
I have taken hold of my life before.
I ran away from home.
Started new. Without a past or destiny.
But I learned that my life is here.
I can't escape it. Or ignore it.
I killed the man I loved because of it.
He came back though.
From hell. Where I sent him.
Still doesn't mean he was mine.
He didn't return for me.
He left. Hasn't returned.
But the funny thing is…
I don't want him to.
The person he loved is dead. I can't bring her back.
The person I am now is different.
I am getting comfortable with the change.
Took some terrible things happening to me and around me, for me to accept it.
I don't think Dawn accepts who she is. She wants to be something else, someone else.
She doesn't need to be. She is who she is. And I love her.
But she has to go through this alone. As horrible a thought as that is…
I will be there to help but I can't stop it.
She has to make realizations about herself. It isn't an instant thing.
Changing takes time. And she will have it. I will give it to her.
Just like I will give it to him.
I come down the stairs once again.
I really hate this basement.
Would he let me take him out of here?
I will have to think on that further. This is not a move I can do lightly.
I must protect Dawn first.
I walk down the corridor.
There is a room in my house. And I trust him. But he isn't completely himself right now.
Even after what he tried to do, I trust him.
Maybe I shouldn't. But I have for such a long time now that I can't just… stop.
He has been there for me when others couldn't or wouldn't.
He understands me.
I have shown him the absolute worse of myself and all he ever does is ask for more.
He still loves me. He knows me and he loves me.
I used that to my advantage last year. Hurting him and using him.
He knows that now. Maybe even then he knew. He still took it all. Anything I gave him.
While others left because I didn't give them enough…
He wants to be mine. But he already is.
I don't know when that happened actually…
But it did.
He's mine.
I just can't tell him that. Not until he can fully understand.
I can't seem to find him today. I have searched all over.
Did he leave? He knows I come to him. He wouldn't leave.
This is taking too long. By the time I find him I will have to leave and find my way out of this maze.
Another few minutes then I have to go.
Maybe I should try something new.
"Spike?" It isn't a shout or cry. Just a beckoning.
I want to find him.
Ever since I couldn't find him when I needed him to protect Dawn, from my best friend;
I get this dreaded feeling that he has given up.
That his never-ending devotion to me is gone.
That he might be gone.
I hear a rustling just down a ways.
He doesn't usually hide.
He stays hidden but he doesn't hide.
"Spike?" Quieter now.
I stop in front of a row of cabinets.
I pull one forward and look around.
There he is. Looking incredibly frightened.
"Hey. It's ok. What are you doing back there?" I calmly ask.
"They won't find me here." His voice is trembling.
Then he changes from fear to terror.
"Oh! But you found me!"
"Yes I did. But I won't hurt you. And I will keep whoever is searching for you away. Alright?"
He looks at me. Just then seems to realize it is me, not some ghost. "Yeah you will."
"Good. Can you come out?"
He stands up and comes around the obstacles of cabinets and desks.
"Great. Very good. Now…" I trail off seeing his shirt is ripped in a new place.
And I can see his chest. Where there are new cuts!
"What did you do?" I can't really yell at Dawn right now but I sure as hell can at him.
Does he think that hurting himself makes up for those he has hurt? It doesn't make me feel any better!
He starts to back up really quickly.
"Oh no! Don't run off." I advance toward him.
"I have to! They demand my blood. I must give it back to them. It is theirs!"
"No it is not! You have to stop doing this. Please." I plead with him.
I can't have both of them bleeding themselves.
He looks confused at what I have said.
I reach a hand out to take his arm. Wrong thing to do.
He backs up further and so fast that he hits the wall, hard.
He falls to the floor where he cowers.
"Spike." What do I say? I want him to stop but what right do I have to tell him that?
But he is mine. He should do what I ask him.
"I don't want you to be hurt."
"The pain is real. Makes me real." He answers my pathetic attempt at affection.
He has that haunted look in his eyes again.
"Yes pain is real. But it isn't necessary. It doesn't make things better."
This just makes it worse. Now he seems immensely upset.
"You want to make things better, then you can't be doing this anymore." Maybe that will do something.
"But they will be angry. I can't stop." He seems so sure this will make a difference.
"Who are you more worried about making angry? Me or some stupid blood demanding ghosts?"
He would always put me first. Hopefully that is the same even now that he has a soul.
He is so different from Angel. He may be crazy but he is still Spike.
My broken Spike.
I am the reason he has done this. I pushed him to it without even meaning to.
"Will you stop? I want you to stop."
He seems torn but quietly answers, "yes."
I sit down in front of him and put my hand out.
He looks at it for awhile before he takes it.
His touch. I have missed it more than I care to admit.
He stares at our hands. As do I.
His hands are the hands of a fighter and a lover.
He will go into battle with only his fists and fangs. Just as he has told me.
But his hands have also been there to pick me up and comfort me when I shove everyone else away.
His hands have brought me more pleasure than any other.
They have also brought pain.
I look at my hands and only see the hands of a fighter.
My hands are so small. But all they seemed to bring him was harm.
Now I want to use them to lead him and heal him.
"Spike. Will you let me help you?" He won't ask. I will.
I never really asked for his help before. Just always expected him to give it.
And he did. He was there for me. Even when I refused that help and took only what I wanted.
Want and need.
I have both for him but it has gotten so complicated now.
I know he feels the same way. When has anything ever been simple between us?
His love is real. I can't deny it any longer.
And this is something that I both need and want.
But is it right to take it from him? I don't know if I can return it.
Can I love?
What is love anyways? Do you know when you feel it?
Is it always there? Just like I feel he has always been mine?
I know he wasn't always mine but it feels like it.
"I can't." He says.
"No you can. I can. We can help each other." I insist.
"Wrong. Don't." He is so quiet.
"It is not wrong to want to help Spike. You want to help me… Why can't I help you?"
He pulls his hand away.
"Because I am wrong. I don't deserve your help."
"You have helped me more than you know. Of course you deserve it!"
He shakes his head.
"Please let me help you. You don't even drink the blood I give you. Do you?"
I never see the containers but I also know he is wasting away. He isn't eating.
"Never hungry. You shouldn't bring it."
This is pissing me off.
"I can do what I want Spike. But then so can you."
I sigh. I think I have stayed long enough.
"I hope you change your mind. It would be for the best. I'll talk to you later."
I get up and this time, don't leave the blood.
I will see what he says tomorrow before making him do anything.
I also should talk to Dawn tonight.
The dinner didn't exactly go as I thought it would.
But she did look at me like she wanted to say something.
She just doesn't know how.
Well maybe it is time to open up to her and see if she can follow my lead.
~