Putting the Pieces Back
I now have a beta reader! Thank you so much Jessica! I really appreciate your help.
Voice
This should be easy.
Talking shouldn't be painful.
Too much of my life is made of pain.
This shouldn't be.
I want to make her feel better and be better.
But I have to talk to her to do that.
I sigh and walk into the living room.
I have to talk to get better.
To feel better.
Thinking about it won't do anything.
I love her. She is my sister. And she's suffering.
I have to help her.
I am a girl of action. I can do this.
She sits on the couch. The television is on. She's not watching.
It is just sound. The noise that may just keep you from thinking.
Lately, I find I like the silence more and more.
But I don't think I should. Not when my sister looks so isolated.
"Dawn?"
I need her. She isn't herself these days.
She hasn't been herself for a while now.
I can't let her stay this way.
She looks up at me. Her face is blank.
"Yeah." She dully replies.
I sit next to her on the couch.
Where can I begin?
How do you fix something so broken that the pieces may never be put together?
How did I start last year? I've begun to mend. So can she.
I have to believe it.
"I can't know how you are feeling."
Does she know how hard I've tried?
How hard it's been for me to…
I had to try.
So does she.
Things can't stay this way.
She doesn't look at me.
"I want to know. I want you to tell me."
She sits further into the couch.
"Whenever you are ready."
We sit quietly for awhile.
"Would it help if I said something first?"
Maybe if I let her know how different I am, she will see change is possible.
Things can get better.
She nods her head slowly.
"The pain inside doesn't go away."
Yeah, I know it isn't exactly the happiest thing to say.
But it is true.
Whatever she is going through. She will always feel it. It will always be with her.
She needs to learn how to deal with it and continue living.
It will make her stronger. Knowing she has succeeded in winning her personal battles.
"I was numb for a long time Dawn. What I felt wasn't real." This is hard for me to tell her.
I have only recently figured out what I was feeling last year. It can be rather complicated.
Sometimes it makes sense in my head… but saying it out loud...
"I didn't want to be alive. Except I had to be. For myself and everyone else."
She is looking at me. I think she understands.
~
I thought she might have felt that way.
It is scary to hear her say it though.
I didn't do anything to help her last year.
I was too involved with my own problems.
But now that I look back, I don't understand why they bothered me so much.
She was trapped and I did nothing.
It's hard to say but… I don't think I cared, I looked at her and it was hard to believe it was Buffy.
"I don't want you to destroy yourself." Is there even a me to destroy?
She looks so sad. This has to be hard for her too.
"I'm sorry. I wasn't what I should have been… when I came back."
I shake my head. She shouldn't feel this way.
"Don't be. I understand now. And I am sorry."
She looks confused.
"What do you have to be sorry for?"
"I let you down. You told me to live. Live for you. I tried."
I tried so hard. But it didn't work.
I needed her. Especially since mom was gone. Home was never home without mom and Buffy.
I was so happy when she came back. I thought I could stop trying.
"I am trying now, too. But it feels like I am slipping away."
"What do you mean?" She is really concerned.
I don't know how to say it. Are there words for these feelings?
"I don't really know how to tell you…"
"Can you try?"
I hope I can. I want her to understand. She can help. She will help.
"Everything feels false. I don't know what is real anymore… Am I real?"
"Dawnie, of course you are."
She is about to say something else.
"Have you noticed how others act around me?"
She thinks for a moment.
"I haven't noticed anything different…"
"I am not being a spoiled brat when I say this, okay?"
"Okay." She is willing to listen to me. Actually hear what I have to say. Wow, this is awkward.
"There have been many times where I'm forgotten. Not just ignored. Forgotten."
"I… not recently I haven't! I am sure of that…"
"Not you. Them. You actually won't seem to leave me alone." I give her a smile.
She chuckles. "Yeah. Overdoing it, aren't I?"
"It's good. You are basically the only person I can stand being around."
"And Spike?" She gives me this uncertain look. Like maybe she shouldn't ask.
"He hasn't forgotten me. Even though he's crazy now."
She is thinking now. Getting really serious.
"I am not really sure what to say… How long have you felt this?"
Oh boy. I don't know when this started. Where I got lost.
It would be very nice to know. Maybe then I could fix myself.
"I am not sure. It may have started after… when you… jumped."
It was supposed to be me. That was my purpose.
Things have been off ever since.
And not just because she was gone.
If it was only that, wouldn't it have gotten better when she came back?
Shouldn't things have gone back to normal?
I thought it would. I thought she would.
But the person who came back wasn't the Buffy I knew.
So I acted different. Didn't pay much attention to what was happening.
And that's why I didn't notice when she actually was back.
"I think I might be… I don't know… falling apart. The energy that made me could be disappearing…"
"That isn't possible. That's not what you are anymore Dawn."
"How do you know? Maybe I shouldn't have lasted this long."
"You aren't the Key anymore, Dawnie. I will find a way to prove it to you."
"Then why am I feeling this way?"
She gets quiet.
"You have been through a lot. More than any person should ever have to go through."
I think that might be an understatement.
"Same with you…"
"It was different with me. It is different. But yes, in some ways, it's the same."
She has been holding my hand for awhile now.
"You are one of the few reasons that I am alive. Let me be what makes you real."
She can. I know she will do everything in her power to help me.
"You are real. Help me show you. Lets' help each other."
She paused for a moment.
"And lets help Spike."
I didn't expect that. I don't know how I could help her or Spike.
"What can I do?"
"More than you know. Will you help me? I can't do this alone. I need you to help me."
"I want to help. I want things to get better. You say it can."
She hugs me.
Her voice sounds like she's holding back tears.
"It will. I know it will. I feel it."
~
Please Review! ^_^
I now have a beta reader! Thank you so much Jessica! I really appreciate your help.
Voice
This should be easy.
Talking shouldn't be painful.
Too much of my life is made of pain.
This shouldn't be.
I want to make her feel better and be better.
But I have to talk to her to do that.
I sigh and walk into the living room.
I have to talk to get better.
To feel better.
Thinking about it won't do anything.
I love her. She is my sister. And she's suffering.
I have to help her.
I am a girl of action. I can do this.
She sits on the couch. The television is on. She's not watching.
It is just sound. The noise that may just keep you from thinking.
Lately, I find I like the silence more and more.
But I don't think I should. Not when my sister looks so isolated.
"Dawn?"
I need her. She isn't herself these days.
She hasn't been herself for a while now.
I can't let her stay this way.
She looks up at me. Her face is blank.
"Yeah." She dully replies.
I sit next to her on the couch.
Where can I begin?
How do you fix something so broken that the pieces may never be put together?
How did I start last year? I've begun to mend. So can she.
I have to believe it.
"I can't know how you are feeling."
Does she know how hard I've tried?
How hard it's been for me to…
I had to try.
So does she.
Things can't stay this way.
She doesn't look at me.
"I want to know. I want you to tell me."
She sits further into the couch.
"Whenever you are ready."
We sit quietly for awhile.
"Would it help if I said something first?"
Maybe if I let her know how different I am, she will see change is possible.
Things can get better.
She nods her head slowly.
"The pain inside doesn't go away."
Yeah, I know it isn't exactly the happiest thing to say.
But it is true.
Whatever she is going through. She will always feel it. It will always be with her.
She needs to learn how to deal with it and continue living.
It will make her stronger. Knowing she has succeeded in winning her personal battles.
"I was numb for a long time Dawn. What I felt wasn't real." This is hard for me to tell her.
I have only recently figured out what I was feeling last year. It can be rather complicated.
Sometimes it makes sense in my head… but saying it out loud...
"I didn't want to be alive. Except I had to be. For myself and everyone else."
She is looking at me. I think she understands.
~
I thought she might have felt that way.
It is scary to hear her say it though.
I didn't do anything to help her last year.
I was too involved with my own problems.
But now that I look back, I don't understand why they bothered me so much.
She was trapped and I did nothing.
It's hard to say but… I don't think I cared, I looked at her and it was hard to believe it was Buffy.
"I don't want you to destroy yourself." Is there even a me to destroy?
She looks so sad. This has to be hard for her too.
"I'm sorry. I wasn't what I should have been… when I came back."
I shake my head. She shouldn't feel this way.
"Don't be. I understand now. And I am sorry."
She looks confused.
"What do you have to be sorry for?"
"I let you down. You told me to live. Live for you. I tried."
I tried so hard. But it didn't work.
I needed her. Especially since mom was gone. Home was never home without mom and Buffy.
I was so happy when she came back. I thought I could stop trying.
"I am trying now, too. But it feels like I am slipping away."
"What do you mean?" She is really concerned.
I don't know how to say it. Are there words for these feelings?
"I don't really know how to tell you…"
"Can you try?"
I hope I can. I want her to understand. She can help. She will help.
"Everything feels false. I don't know what is real anymore… Am I real?"
"Dawnie, of course you are."
She is about to say something else.
"Have you noticed how others act around me?"
She thinks for a moment.
"I haven't noticed anything different…"
"I am not being a spoiled brat when I say this, okay?"
"Okay." She is willing to listen to me. Actually hear what I have to say. Wow, this is awkward.
"There have been many times where I'm forgotten. Not just ignored. Forgotten."
"I… not recently I haven't! I am sure of that…"
"Not you. Them. You actually won't seem to leave me alone." I give her a smile.
She chuckles. "Yeah. Overdoing it, aren't I?"
"It's good. You are basically the only person I can stand being around."
"And Spike?" She gives me this uncertain look. Like maybe she shouldn't ask.
"He hasn't forgotten me. Even though he's crazy now."
She is thinking now. Getting really serious.
"I am not really sure what to say… How long have you felt this?"
Oh boy. I don't know when this started. Where I got lost.
It would be very nice to know. Maybe then I could fix myself.
"I am not sure. It may have started after… when you… jumped."
It was supposed to be me. That was my purpose.
Things have been off ever since.
And not just because she was gone.
If it was only that, wouldn't it have gotten better when she came back?
Shouldn't things have gone back to normal?
I thought it would. I thought she would.
But the person who came back wasn't the Buffy I knew.
So I acted different. Didn't pay much attention to what was happening.
And that's why I didn't notice when she actually was back.
"I think I might be… I don't know… falling apart. The energy that made me could be disappearing…"
"That isn't possible. That's not what you are anymore Dawn."
"How do you know? Maybe I shouldn't have lasted this long."
"You aren't the Key anymore, Dawnie. I will find a way to prove it to you."
"Then why am I feeling this way?"
She gets quiet.
"You have been through a lot. More than any person should ever have to go through."
I think that might be an understatement.
"Same with you…"
"It was different with me. It is different. But yes, in some ways, it's the same."
She has been holding my hand for awhile now.
"You are one of the few reasons that I am alive. Let me be what makes you real."
She can. I know she will do everything in her power to help me.
"You are real. Help me show you. Lets' help each other."
She paused for a moment.
"And lets help Spike."
I didn't expect that. I don't know how I could help her or Spike.
"What can I do?"
"More than you know. Will you help me? I can't do this alone. I need you to help me."
"I want to help. I want things to get better. You say it can."
She hugs me.
Her voice sounds like she's holding back tears.
"It will. I know it will. I feel it."
~
Please Review! ^_^