By Rising Sun
Host: Welcome back to show "Are You Hot? The Search for the Sexiest Ranma ½ Characters"!!! We apologize for the long commercial break… smoothes out a stray lock of hair and unconsciously touches a large Band-Aid on her shin. We had a little difficulty getting Akane to… calm down… Anyhow! We're back, and that's all that matters, right? loud cheering Now, to the Kuno family! First off, we have the dashing Tatewaki Kuno!
Bright lights flash for a moment. Suddenly, the lights go out. Startled shrieks punctuate the surprised silence. A flash of lightning pierces the darkness, illuminating a tall figure posed in the center of the stage, followed by a crash of thunder. A single spotlight focuses on the bare-chested man dressed in an indigo hakama. A long sash is tied around his waist. He holds a red rose between his teeth. All is silent.
Host: Uhhmmm… Kuno raises his head and tosses the rose gently towards her Ohhh…
Kuno: Fair maiden… They call me… the Blue Thunder of Furinken High. Lightning flashes and latches onto the tip of a bokken that has come out of nowhere I am the rising star of the Kendo club… smiles slowly at the crowd I am… TATEWAKI KUNO, AGE SEVENTEEN!!! a crash of thunder emphasizes his words
Host: Siiighhhh… smells her rose absently, a large smile plastered on her face
Anna: Siiighhhhh…. hearts appear in place of pupils
Bob: eyeing Anna and the Host suspiciously, mumbling Right. Never seen THIS reaction to Kuno before… shakes his head Apparently, Kuno can make his own introductions.
Chris: HOW does he do the thunder and lightning thing???
Anna: Hmmm? Oh… shakes her head dreamily Who cares? 9.7 for your face, Tate. So manly. And your tousled hair is so sexy and adorable! And that smoldering gaze of yours…
Chris: And "blue" thunder? Thunder is a sound! You can't have a color for a sound!!!
Bob: irritatedly Well, Kuno, I have to admit… you ARE pretty buff. You have your height going for you, and I'm guessing kendo has really helped you develop those biceps and shoulder muscles. I'd have to say a 9.5 for your bod…
Chris: And how come he gets lightning even indoors? Unfairness, I say!
Anna: Kuno baby, I guess I'll just have to give you a 9.8 for overall sex appeal!!! gasps from audience
Bob: WHAT???
Host: Mmmm….
Kuno: upon hearing the final verdict YOU HEAR THAT SAOTOME??? NINE POINT EIGHT!!! VILE SCOUNDREL, I CHALLENGE YOU TO DEFEAT SUCH A FLAWLESS SCORE AS THAT!!! I DEFEAT YOU, CUR!!! YOU MUST NOW ACCEPT MY SUPREMACY AND THE YIELD THE PIGTAILED GODDESS TO ME!!!
Host: blink blink Huh?
Anna: Wha…? all female audience members are shaken back to their senses… and sanity
Bob: smirks smugly Aaaaand then he opens his big mouth.
Kuno: rambles on and on incoherently
Host: blushing furiously Well. Ahem, yes. Fortunately for Tatewaki Kuno, this contest is based on physical appearances… not… intellect. His score will remain the same despite… discrepancies… between his outward and inward… quality…….. yeah…. Thank you, Kuno! Kuno struts off, still babbling
Host: Up next, we have Tatewaki's sister, Kodachi Kuno!
Bright lights flash, and a side door opens. Kodachi sails out in a black leotard. At first it looks like the one she wears all the time, but as she approaches the front of the stage it becomes obvious that this one is much more classy. The important parts are covered with crushed black velvet cut in the shape of roses, and the whole suit is held together with black silk mesh. However, a large, black felt rose adorns her side ponytail. Cheering and catcalls from the crowd, as well as murmurs of fear.
Host: Mistress of the filthy rich House of Kuno, Kodachi is an expert gymnast whose skill at the art of subterfuge and cheating are matched only by a Miss Nabiki Tendo. Kodachi enjoys cooking and gardening, but don't muddle up this classic beauty with any Martha Stewart type matron. She's a dangerous one—ruthless, determined, and willing to go the distance for her man!
Chris: Your lips are gorgeous. They're… blood… red.
Kodachi: Ohohohoho! Why thank you.
Chris: Your eyes are a little small, but that makes them more seductive. Unfortunately… I can't stand your ponytail. I mean, come on. We're not living in the 80's.
Kodachi: narrows eyes
Chris: But overall, very striking. I'll have to give your face a 9.3. cheering from audience.
Kodachi: Haughtily My gratitude.
Anna: Your thighs are enormous, and a little flabby. Doesn't gymnastics give you a good enough workout?
Kodachi: Asides from leaping in the air, I mainly focus on upper body tactics. Produces ribbons, hoops, and spiked clubs.
Anna: Ehhhh… heh heh… I'll have to give you an 8.5 for your body. boos from audience The upper half is nicely developed, but don't wear such short outfits until you've toned the leg muscles some more.
Kodachi: twirling her ribbon idly Wench, I'll deal with you later. Meanwhile… produces a bouquet of black flowers These are for you… shudders from audience members. Some pull out gas masks
Anna: Why thank you! reaches out
Host: SECURITY!!! Masked men in black sail out of nowhere and seize the poisonous roses Please, continue.
Bob: Kodachi… I think overall I'll give you an 8.9. You are beautiful, but you don't work it. A little more color in those cheeks, as well as a smaller obsession with the gaudy eyes the rose in her hair and lethal gestures towards the ribbons, and you could have been a potential winner. Sorry.
Kodachi: scowling You are all peasants… leaps off cackling Ohohoho… I will get my revenge on you!!! a shower of black rose petals descend from ceiling
Host: sweatdrops, and mutters into mouth piece. Masked men in black sneak backstage. Beams at audience. The last member of the Kuno family here today… I present, Principal Kuno!
Bright lights flash and a man in Hawaiian print board shorts leaps out. He is badly sunburned and, aside from having a lot of sand in his unkempt hair, wears a miniscule palm tree on the top of his head. His sunglasses flash as he grins widely at the audience, distracting them from the gleam of metal in his hands. There are shrieks from the front row as a trio of high school girls realizes their hair is no longer on their heads, but rather in the fist of the laughing maniac in front of them.
Host: wearing a swimming cap and clutching her head Representing the hottie-hangout of the Pacific, Principal Kuno is one smooth Hawaiian operator. He enjoys pineapples, the ocean, long, romantic walks on the beach, and hacking off people's hair. He is currently the Principal of Nerima's Furinken High, and his highly creative and original discipline methods have put Furinken at the top of the "Top Ten Schools Guaranteed to Turn Your Child's College Fund Into a Psychologist Fee."
Principal: Damn straight, keiki!
Chris: moaning The palm tree…. It's… it's laughing at me…
Anna: flatly You're a little chunky, like you were buff before but have stopped exercising properly for some ungodly reason. And you're a prime candidate for skin cancer. 7.6 for body.
Host: Care to elaborate…?
Anna: stares at Host wildly, hissing The sooner he leaves, the longer my hair will remain below my ears.
Host: Right.
Bob: rubbing his buzzed head questioningly I don't see what all this fuss is about. Principal Kuno, if you would take off your sunglasses, maybe I could judge your face a little more accurately…
Principal: Dat's not gonna happen anytime soon, keiki.
Bob: Well, in that case you get a 5.0. You've got nice shiny teeth, but your mouth is too big, your skin is too wrinkly, and your hair is disgusting. Take a shower, dude. Eyes the palm tree And lose the shrub. It's embarrassing. And you're scaring Chris.
Chris: The scary man… take it away… TAKE IT AWAY!!! chuckles from audience
Anna: 6.3 for sex appeal, you creepy, creepy man. Now go away. Standing ovation from audience. Principal Kuno goes off, taking several head of hair and one toupee with him.
Host: Thanks for tuning in! We hope so far you've been enjoying this parade of utter hotness (with a few minor exceptions…). More babes and hunks coming up: the staff of Ucchan's, as well as Ryoga and other pig aficionados. If you're looking for cute chefs in tights as well as adorable little fangs, stay tuned to "Are You Hot? The Search for the Sexiest Ranma ½ Characters", after the commercial break!