Putting the Pieces Back
Erase
It's strange what you can remember.
Little things.
My mothers smile.
My fathers laugh.
The smell of pancakes.
The feeling of sand between my toes.
Nights just being with family, both of my families.
Days when the world didn't end…
So many things big and small.
Events, people, feelings, tastes… Everything.
Some things you try desperately not to forget. You never want to forget.
Then there are moments I know I should remember,
But no matter how hard I try; they're just not there.
I'm still missing parts of myself. I feel it.
Just little things that no one else would ever care about.
Of course there are things I'd do anything to forget…
Portals, betrayals, harsh words that cannot be unheard,
Knives and dark haired sisters, body-switching experiences,
The darkness in me…
An alley…
I do remember everything that happened that night…
It was a messed up night; hell it was a messed up year!
I was out of my mind. I don't really believe I'd do what I did if I wasn't.
If I really am that kind of person… I don't know what I'd…
I shouldn't have this power.
It can so easily be abused.
Just like he was so easy to abuse…
Forgive and forget.
I can forgive. I've learned. Or had to… Or I'm still learning…
But I can't forget.
I watched my friends and myself, fall apart.
I didn't seem to have the power or maybe the will, to stop it.
But I won't let that happen again.
He's upstairs in his room.
It was an uneasy night. I hardly slept; I don't think any of us did.
Dawn's quiet this morning, eating her cereal and looking frayed.
We can both hear him.
He isn't exactly quiet. Moving around and talking to nonexistent people.
I spooked him when I went to check on him earlier.
And neither one of us could calm him down.
"Do you think he's hungry?" Dawn asks.
"Probably." I just have no idea how to get him to eat!
"He likes Weetabix. And Cinnamon Toast Crunch…" She trails off.
I smile at her. "We can get those for him."
"Now?" She happily asks.
"Umm… I don't,"
"I can go myself." She quickly suggests.
I don't want to leave him alone, not just yet anyway.
I've taken the day off from work and Dawn's missing a day of school.
I was hoping to get him to shower…
Might be better if Dawn wasn't here when I tried.
"Sure. I'll get you some money." She grins at me.
"Enough for you to get something too." I laugh as I leave the kitchen.
She's gone in a few minutes and I head upstairs.
This isn't going to be easy…
I set up the bathroom so there's towels and shampoo for him.
All the while listening to his one sided conversations.
It's eerie. He's apologizing and pleading with these ghosts.
Ghosts of his victims.
He's silently begging for forgiveness; for sins committed.
He doesn't actually ask. Knows he won't get it.
Not from them anyway…
"Spike?" I gently push the door open and enter.
He's sitting against the bed with his head in his hands.
"Hey, we'd like you to come down for breakfast…"
He shakes his head. And his mouth is moving with unheard words.
"Think you can do that?" I move further in and look around.
He looks up, stops his silent litany and watches me.
"Spike?"
He looks down at the ground.
"I'm not hungry."
I knew he'd say that. I sigh and move to the bed.
He shifts over as I sit down.
"Dawn's gone to get you some wheat thingy. You sure you won't come down?"
A tiny smile crosses his lips and he looks toward me again.
"How about you take a quick shower? Wash your hair?"
He shudders, looks out the open door then gets up and begins to pace.
"You'll feel better…" I know I do. Being clean and fresh…
I sigh knowing he won't feel that way.
"Can't." He pitifully says.
He's on edge. I can see that.
Most likely reliving that night. Probably has been for some time now.
I've had dreams, nightmares. Just a few.
But they always end with her hurting him worse than he ever hurt her…
Just like in that alley.
I never apologized. I don't know if I should.
Would it make any difference?
I wish that it never happened.
That he never snapped. But I pushed him to the breaking point.
I didn't believe he had one…
He was indestructible. The one thing of hers that would never leave, break or die.
I was so horribly wrong.
I've done so many things wrong…
"Spike… I'm not easily scared; you know that. You scared me that night."
He grabs his head and digs his fingers into his scalp.
"But that was then. I'm not scared of you or myself anymore."
He tries to look at me but just can't seem to meet my eyes.
"You've changed. Got your soul," He cuts me off with a whisper.
"It doesn't erase..." He can't finish.
"I know that. But… it… it's something. It's a start."
I wish I was better with words…
He stands in the center of the room taking in what I've said.
"So? Shower? Then breakfast?" I soothingly ask.
He wearily nods his head and moves to leave the room.
He looks back at me and I smile encouragingly.
"The shower is all ready. I'll be in the kitchen."
~
Review! Please? ^_^
Erase
It's strange what you can remember.
Little things.
My mothers smile.
My fathers laugh.
The smell of pancakes.
The feeling of sand between my toes.
Nights just being with family, both of my families.
Days when the world didn't end…
So many things big and small.
Events, people, feelings, tastes… Everything.
Some things you try desperately not to forget. You never want to forget.
Then there are moments I know I should remember,
But no matter how hard I try; they're just not there.
I'm still missing parts of myself. I feel it.
Just little things that no one else would ever care about.
Of course there are things I'd do anything to forget…
Portals, betrayals, harsh words that cannot be unheard,
Knives and dark haired sisters, body-switching experiences,
The darkness in me…
An alley…
I do remember everything that happened that night…
It was a messed up night; hell it was a messed up year!
I was out of my mind. I don't really believe I'd do what I did if I wasn't.
If I really am that kind of person… I don't know what I'd…
I shouldn't have this power.
It can so easily be abused.
Just like he was so easy to abuse…
Forgive and forget.
I can forgive. I've learned. Or had to… Or I'm still learning…
But I can't forget.
I watched my friends and myself, fall apart.
I didn't seem to have the power or maybe the will, to stop it.
But I won't let that happen again.
He's upstairs in his room.
It was an uneasy night. I hardly slept; I don't think any of us did.
Dawn's quiet this morning, eating her cereal and looking frayed.
We can both hear him.
He isn't exactly quiet. Moving around and talking to nonexistent people.
I spooked him when I went to check on him earlier.
And neither one of us could calm him down.
"Do you think he's hungry?" Dawn asks.
"Probably." I just have no idea how to get him to eat!
"He likes Weetabix. And Cinnamon Toast Crunch…" She trails off.
I smile at her. "We can get those for him."
"Now?" She happily asks.
"Umm… I don't,"
"I can go myself." She quickly suggests.
I don't want to leave him alone, not just yet anyway.
I've taken the day off from work and Dawn's missing a day of school.
I was hoping to get him to shower…
Might be better if Dawn wasn't here when I tried.
"Sure. I'll get you some money." She grins at me.
"Enough for you to get something too." I laugh as I leave the kitchen.
She's gone in a few minutes and I head upstairs.
This isn't going to be easy…
I set up the bathroom so there's towels and shampoo for him.
All the while listening to his one sided conversations.
It's eerie. He's apologizing and pleading with these ghosts.
Ghosts of his victims.
He's silently begging for forgiveness; for sins committed.
He doesn't actually ask. Knows he won't get it.
Not from them anyway…
"Spike?" I gently push the door open and enter.
He's sitting against the bed with his head in his hands.
"Hey, we'd like you to come down for breakfast…"
He shakes his head. And his mouth is moving with unheard words.
"Think you can do that?" I move further in and look around.
He looks up, stops his silent litany and watches me.
"Spike?"
He looks down at the ground.
"I'm not hungry."
I knew he'd say that. I sigh and move to the bed.
He shifts over as I sit down.
"Dawn's gone to get you some wheat thingy. You sure you won't come down?"
A tiny smile crosses his lips and he looks toward me again.
"How about you take a quick shower? Wash your hair?"
He shudders, looks out the open door then gets up and begins to pace.
"You'll feel better…" I know I do. Being clean and fresh…
I sigh knowing he won't feel that way.
"Can't." He pitifully says.
He's on edge. I can see that.
Most likely reliving that night. Probably has been for some time now.
I've had dreams, nightmares. Just a few.
But they always end with her hurting him worse than he ever hurt her…
Just like in that alley.
I never apologized. I don't know if I should.
Would it make any difference?
I wish that it never happened.
That he never snapped. But I pushed him to the breaking point.
I didn't believe he had one…
He was indestructible. The one thing of hers that would never leave, break or die.
I was so horribly wrong.
I've done so many things wrong…
"Spike… I'm not easily scared; you know that. You scared me that night."
He grabs his head and digs his fingers into his scalp.
"But that was then. I'm not scared of you or myself anymore."
He tries to look at me but just can't seem to meet my eyes.
"You've changed. Got your soul," He cuts me off with a whisper.
"It doesn't erase..." He can't finish.
"I know that. But… it… it's something. It's a start."
I wish I was better with words…
He stands in the center of the room taking in what I've said.
"So? Shower? Then breakfast?" I soothingly ask.
He wearily nods his head and moves to leave the room.
He looks back at me and I smile encouragingly.
"The shower is all ready. I'll be in the kitchen."
~
Review! Please? ^_^