Ok so it only took me six months to update this *cough*. I'd forgotten all
about it. I will finish it..... one day.
Standard disclaimers apply
Many apologies for any errors in grammar/punctuation, it hasn't been beta-
d.
***
When he left T'Pol breathed a sigh of relief. It was hard to think clearly when he was around, she couldn't focus, couldn't stop the dangerous thoughts rising in her mind. She didn't like pushing him away; she had seen the look in his eyes as he left, felt his pain as if it were her own. But this was the best way, the only way if they were to continue working together efficiently. She sat up and stretched herself. She had to put this out of her mind and meditate. She needed, more than anything to be able to maintain control and dignity.
But the longed for peace was slow to come. Every time she closed her eyes she saw his face in front of her eyes, felt his presence always with her. Further interruption came with the sounding of her door chime. She could barely contain the flash of irritation which rose up at the second interruption and couldn't quite manage to keep the sharpness out of her voice. Hoshi entered nervously, hanging back by the door as if she couldn't bring herself to enter fully. "I'm sorry, am I disturbing you? I can come back." This time T'Pol managed to bit down the rebuff. "I was meditating but if you wish to speak to me about something you may remain."
Hoshi wondered again exactly what impulse had brought her here. The other woman had rebuffed all her hesitant overtures of friendship. She had made it quite clear that she wasn't interested in forming bonds with any of the crew. Her presence was probably the last thing T'Pol wanted if there really was something wrong. But surely if something bad had happened, even T'Pol might need a little company. Surely no one could really want to exist cut off from the people around them. But T'Pol did not look like a woman in need of company right now, in fact she looked like a woman lightly to rip off potential company's arms and stuff them down her throat. But it was too late to back out now:
"Oh it's probably nothing. I was just speaking to the captain and he seemed worried about you. Or at least about something. I just wanted to see that you were alright. And that he was. Because if there's something wrong I'd like to help. If I can...." She tailed off under the Vulcan's unblinking stare. They really did have a way of making you feel like a total idiot with one raised eyebrow. This probably wasn't the smartest thing she'd ever done.
T'Pol replied in a voice that could have cut glass "There is nothing the matter with me. Your concern is misplaced."
"I just thought, you might need someone, I mean you're a long way from home it must be a bit lonely. And if there was anything wrong....."
T'Pol's head snapped upright: "I do not require the companionship of humans. It would be illogical." Her voice was just a fraction shriller than would have been expected in a controlled, dignified Vulcan and she seemed to realise it as a slight flush appeared on her cheeks and she repeated more quietly, "there is nothing wrong."
Hoshi squirmed for a few more minutes before turning towards the door. It was time to leave before she made an even greater fool of herself. But just as the door opened and she stepped out into the corridor; T'Pol's voice rang out again:
"Stay."
It would be hard to say who seemed more surprised by the outburst, her or the strangely emotional Vulcan, now quickly backtracking:
"If you wish to remain, you may. Your company....... would not be displeasing."
Well it might not exactly the warmest of welcomes, but for T'Pol it was practically friendly.
***
Hoshi sat, cross-legged on the floor and watched the candle dance. She could see why Vulcan's found them so relaxing. After only a few minutes in the warm, peaceful environment she could feel her eyes beginning to droop.
"You have some knowledge of Vulcan physiology I believe."
The words jolted her back to wakefulness. Where the hell was this going? She nodded curiously. There was another loaded pause.
"Then you are familiar with the condition of Pon Farr."
Hoshi could barely stop herself crying out. Whatever she'd expected it hadn't been that.
"So what, you're going through Pon Farr.... Are you going to leave, or can Phlox do something.... or what?"
T'Pol looked like she wished she could take the words back. That or kill the listener. Hoshi had a sudden nervous recollection of stories she had heard about the violent tendencies of Vulcans going through Pon Farr.
"That problem has already been dealt with. The Pon Farr is over."
This statement seemed even more unwillingly dragged out and T'Pol had gone back to staring fixedly at the wall. Hoshi watched her, increasingly confused. Dealt with, how? The image of the captain lingering outside the Vulcan's quarters suddenly returned. Surely not, that couldn't be possible! She must have been talking about some kind of medicine. She must have.
"The captain??"
The faint flush of embarrassment creeping up T'Pol's face was answer enough. Hoshi could feel herself blushing in sympathy as she awkwardly looked away:
"Well.... I mean, that could be a little weird but surely he understands. I mean you can explain it and it's over now. You know this sort of thing happens of earth all the time. Not Pon Farr but one night stands, things like that. It's not such a big deal really." These pearls of wisdom brought forth no reply. "What is it T'Pol. What's bothering you?" The silence stretched between them as the candle burned down lower and lower. Then T'Pol lifted her head and finally met her eyes:
"I felt this building for some time. I knew my Pon Farr could not be long in coming. I should have contacted my people. Yet I hesitated. I left it longer and longer until it was too late. I didn't want to leave the Enterprise I did not want to bond with whoever my family found for me. I stayed. I decided that the captain would be my best choice. For when the time came. But I didn't tell him. I didn't go to him and explain my problem and make him understand what it would entail. I couldn't find the words. Again I left it until it was too late. Then when I finally came to him I was overwhelmed with the fever. I took what I wanted from him, from his body and his mind. I hurt him."
"Oh T'Pol, don't. It's nothing to feel guilty about. He understood, I'm sure he did."
"I'm not finished. The union was mental, not merely physical. When I joined with him, his mind was laid open to me, his thoughts and fears, his memories, every deep, dark secret. I saw everything. I violated him Hoshi, worse than Tolaris ever did to me. I used him and the feelings he has for me and I abused whatever trust there was between us as colleagues and as friends." She stopped and looked up again, the guilt and the fear showing for the first time in her face. "I used him."
Hoshi spent her whole life working with words. She prided herself on her ability to communicate. Yet now, faced with a guilt stricken Vulcan, she was lost for anything to say to help. On impulse she stretched out a hand and touched the other woman's shoulder. "It'll be all right, T'Pol, I promise. It'll be alright somehow."
***
As the door closed behind her second visitor of the evening T'Pol breathed another sigh. Nothing had changed, she had still committed a terrible betrayal, she had still hurt someone she cared about a great deal. She needed to talk to him, to admit what had truly happened. To atone for what she'd done and try to salvage at least some of a friendship which had become more important to her than she liked to admit. She needed his forgiveness. But for tonight at least, she had achieved a small measure of peace. For the first time she understood why humans valued friendship so much.
***
When he left T'Pol breathed a sigh of relief. It was hard to think clearly when he was around, she couldn't focus, couldn't stop the dangerous thoughts rising in her mind. She didn't like pushing him away; she had seen the look in his eyes as he left, felt his pain as if it were her own. But this was the best way, the only way if they were to continue working together efficiently. She sat up and stretched herself. She had to put this out of her mind and meditate. She needed, more than anything to be able to maintain control and dignity.
But the longed for peace was slow to come. Every time she closed her eyes she saw his face in front of her eyes, felt his presence always with her. Further interruption came with the sounding of her door chime. She could barely contain the flash of irritation which rose up at the second interruption and couldn't quite manage to keep the sharpness out of her voice. Hoshi entered nervously, hanging back by the door as if she couldn't bring herself to enter fully. "I'm sorry, am I disturbing you? I can come back." This time T'Pol managed to bit down the rebuff. "I was meditating but if you wish to speak to me about something you may remain."
Hoshi wondered again exactly what impulse had brought her here. The other woman had rebuffed all her hesitant overtures of friendship. She had made it quite clear that she wasn't interested in forming bonds with any of the crew. Her presence was probably the last thing T'Pol wanted if there really was something wrong. But surely if something bad had happened, even T'Pol might need a little company. Surely no one could really want to exist cut off from the people around them. But T'Pol did not look like a woman in need of company right now, in fact she looked like a woman lightly to rip off potential company's arms and stuff them down her throat. But it was too late to back out now:
"Oh it's probably nothing. I was just speaking to the captain and he seemed worried about you. Or at least about something. I just wanted to see that you were alright. And that he was. Because if there's something wrong I'd like to help. If I can...." She tailed off under the Vulcan's unblinking stare. They really did have a way of making you feel like a total idiot with one raised eyebrow. This probably wasn't the smartest thing she'd ever done.
T'Pol replied in a voice that could have cut glass "There is nothing the matter with me. Your concern is misplaced."
"I just thought, you might need someone, I mean you're a long way from home it must be a bit lonely. And if there was anything wrong....."
T'Pol's head snapped upright: "I do not require the companionship of humans. It would be illogical." Her voice was just a fraction shriller than would have been expected in a controlled, dignified Vulcan and she seemed to realise it as a slight flush appeared on her cheeks and she repeated more quietly, "there is nothing wrong."
Hoshi squirmed for a few more minutes before turning towards the door. It was time to leave before she made an even greater fool of herself. But just as the door opened and she stepped out into the corridor; T'Pol's voice rang out again:
"Stay."
It would be hard to say who seemed more surprised by the outburst, her or the strangely emotional Vulcan, now quickly backtracking:
"If you wish to remain, you may. Your company....... would not be displeasing."
Well it might not exactly the warmest of welcomes, but for T'Pol it was practically friendly.
***
Hoshi sat, cross-legged on the floor and watched the candle dance. She could see why Vulcan's found them so relaxing. After only a few minutes in the warm, peaceful environment she could feel her eyes beginning to droop.
"You have some knowledge of Vulcan physiology I believe."
The words jolted her back to wakefulness. Where the hell was this going? She nodded curiously. There was another loaded pause.
"Then you are familiar with the condition of Pon Farr."
Hoshi could barely stop herself crying out. Whatever she'd expected it hadn't been that.
"So what, you're going through Pon Farr.... Are you going to leave, or can Phlox do something.... or what?"
T'Pol looked like she wished she could take the words back. That or kill the listener. Hoshi had a sudden nervous recollection of stories she had heard about the violent tendencies of Vulcans going through Pon Farr.
"That problem has already been dealt with. The Pon Farr is over."
This statement seemed even more unwillingly dragged out and T'Pol had gone back to staring fixedly at the wall. Hoshi watched her, increasingly confused. Dealt with, how? The image of the captain lingering outside the Vulcan's quarters suddenly returned. Surely not, that couldn't be possible! She must have been talking about some kind of medicine. She must have.
"The captain??"
The faint flush of embarrassment creeping up T'Pol's face was answer enough. Hoshi could feel herself blushing in sympathy as she awkwardly looked away:
"Well.... I mean, that could be a little weird but surely he understands. I mean you can explain it and it's over now. You know this sort of thing happens of earth all the time. Not Pon Farr but one night stands, things like that. It's not such a big deal really." These pearls of wisdom brought forth no reply. "What is it T'Pol. What's bothering you?" The silence stretched between them as the candle burned down lower and lower. Then T'Pol lifted her head and finally met her eyes:
"I felt this building for some time. I knew my Pon Farr could not be long in coming. I should have contacted my people. Yet I hesitated. I left it longer and longer until it was too late. I didn't want to leave the Enterprise I did not want to bond with whoever my family found for me. I stayed. I decided that the captain would be my best choice. For when the time came. But I didn't tell him. I didn't go to him and explain my problem and make him understand what it would entail. I couldn't find the words. Again I left it until it was too late. Then when I finally came to him I was overwhelmed with the fever. I took what I wanted from him, from his body and his mind. I hurt him."
"Oh T'Pol, don't. It's nothing to feel guilty about. He understood, I'm sure he did."
"I'm not finished. The union was mental, not merely physical. When I joined with him, his mind was laid open to me, his thoughts and fears, his memories, every deep, dark secret. I saw everything. I violated him Hoshi, worse than Tolaris ever did to me. I used him and the feelings he has for me and I abused whatever trust there was between us as colleagues and as friends." She stopped and looked up again, the guilt and the fear showing for the first time in her face. "I used him."
Hoshi spent her whole life working with words. She prided herself on her ability to communicate. Yet now, faced with a guilt stricken Vulcan, she was lost for anything to say to help. On impulse she stretched out a hand and touched the other woman's shoulder. "It'll be all right, T'Pol, I promise. It'll be alright somehow."
***
As the door closed behind her second visitor of the evening T'Pol breathed another sigh. Nothing had changed, she had still committed a terrible betrayal, she had still hurt someone she cared about a great deal. She needed to talk to him, to admit what had truly happened. To atone for what she'd done and try to salvage at least some of a friendship which had become more important to her than she liked to admit. She needed his forgiveness. But for tonight at least, she had achieved a small measure of peace. For the first time she understood why humans valued friendship so much.