T'Pol knew that she couldn't put it off any longer. She had spent the day
thinking of ingenious reasons why she should wait a little longer before
telling him. Well enough, she was procrastinating as badly as a human and
now it was time. She took a deep breath and began to explain. She told it
just as she had done to Hoshi. Short crisp sentences summing up everything
that had happened as concisely and coherently as possible. Throughout the
recital she uttered not one word of justification or explanation. This was
no place for emotions, he would hear the facts and judge her on them alone.
The words washed over her as she watched his face. The friendly smile
gradually changed to confusion, then as understanding dawned, to anger. She
watched as his eyes hardened and sympathetic words changed to furious
insults. She concentrated on keeping her face smooth and impassive. She
mustn't reveal the pain which welling up inside her with every word. She
must keep perfectly steady even as her heart was breaking. She summoned up
the image of a flame in her mind and concentrated on it, forcing down the
guilt and the hurt. He stepped closer to her and she found it harder to
shut off the waves of anger pouring off him. For a few seconds she thought
he might even hit her but he only grabbed her roughly and pushed her
towards the door.
"Just leave me." She did as he wished and slipped out into the corridor watching the door close behind her with a firm click.
***
Hoshi watched as the Vulcan entered the mess hall. She could tell immediately that the encounter hadn't gone off well. To the casual observer she might look the same as ever but looking closely Hoshi could see the slight difference in her poise, she was just a little less assured, less self-possessed. She beckoned the other woman over and gestured to the seat next to her. T'Pol sat down gratefully with a slight sigh. Hoshi felt a sudden burst of pity. She looked completely exhausted, the past few days had taken their toil on her. She wanted to reach out and hug her but wasn't sure how such a gesture would be received. She settled instead for the warmest smile she could muster and a cup of tea. T'Pol began to sip it slowly as Hoshi's curiosity grew. Finally she spoke:
"So what did he say?"
"It was as I expected, he was furious with me." She spoke quietly and levelly with no trace of emotion.
"He may be mad now, but he'll calm down. You shocked him that's all."
"I am not so sure, I have seen him overcome with emotions many times before but never to such an extent. Is the idea of mental contact so very distressing to your people?" The question was difficult. Hoshi tried to imagine someone being able to see into her mind and couldn't stop herself from shuddering slightly.
"I don't know really. I think that the idea of someone knowing everything you are thinking is rather frightening. I know there's a lot of things that go through my mind that I would hate anyone to see, even people I love and trust."
"Nothing is hidden from your bond mate. It would be like hiding something from yourself, or even harder." Hoshi almost felt a stirring of envy for the Vulcans. It must be wonderful to have that much faith in another person, to be completely part of the one you love for all time. Perhaps it could even make up for that lack of closeness with most people around you. No, she didn't think anything could quite make up for that. And of course there was always a chance that your mate might turn out not to be the kind of person you wanted to be bonded to for your entire life.
"That sounds good. I suppose it would be easier if you could both see into each other's minds, it would make it, I don't know, more equal. But it must be hard to give yourself up totally to another person. I don't know that I could trust anyone that much."
"But humans reveal so much to so many people. You make your thoughts and your feelings obvious for others to see. You seem to be able to trust everyone." Hoshi smiled at that.
" You Vulcans are very suspicious people. "
"It is dangerous and illogical to let people see to much of you. That kind of knowledge is too easy to abuse."
"Sometimes you have to take chances. You're talking to me now aren't you?" T'Pol frowned slightly at that.
"I didn't have anyone else."
"I wish I could have been more help."
"Oh you have. Something you said has given me an idea in fact."
"What sort of an idea." Hoshi was curious but the Vulcan remained typically secretive and refused to tell her any more. As she left the room Hoshi was pleased to notice that she seemed a little more her old self and could only wonder what on earth she was planning.
***
Archer paced the length of his cabin, backwards and forwards, unable to keep still. His anger was still simmering. He couldn't believe it: he couldn't believe she had entered his mind without his knowledge; he couldn't believe that she had seen his most private thoughts and memories; he couldn't believe that she had known all this was coming and not even tried to warn him. One word just kept buzzing around in his head, "everything", she had seen everything. His stomach knotted with shame as he thought of more and more things he never wanted anyone to know about, especially not a Vulcan, especially not her. He remembered things he'd felt ashamed for thinking, stupid things he'd done. The thought of her calmly analyzing his character and life with that damn Vulcan superior attitude made him cringe. Worst of all, she knew how he felt about her. She would have seen every unsuitable thought he'd had about her, every single fantasy. He felt his cheeks begin to burn, how could he ever look her in the eyes again. As he was lost in these confused thoughts the door chimed. T'Pol entered, pale and slightly nervous. He felt his anger rise up again. How could she just stand there staring at him with such a blank gaze. He was about to tell her to leave again when she interrupted him:
"Don't ask me to go, there is something I came here to do." He was intrigued despite himself and motioned for her to come in.
"In a true bond, the connection is mutual. It is only right that I should give you an opportunity to redress the balance."
She came towards him and took his hands, placing them on either side of his face. Despite his anger he still felt a flash of arousal at the close contact. He heard he speak a few words softly before being suddenly overwhelmed with a rush of intense guilt tinged with sorrow and regret. He probed deeper and was shocked by the rush of images swirling through his mind. The colors were too bright, the noises were too intense and he was overcome by the tumult of her emotions. Strange memories seemed to stand out; the taste of a fruit eaten many years ago, a vision of a tall, white building in the middle of a lake; an alien woman in bright clothing, her head thrown back in laughter. Gradually the visions became longer and more coherent. He saw T'Pol as a tiny child sitting in the hot desert sun; then an older child in front of a candle, struggling to repress her emotions. He saw her sitting through a dull lesson and her dislike of the teacher. He felt her barely suppressed excitement when she first learnt to pilot a ship. He caught brief glimpses of the many exotic places she'd visited in the earlier part of her career and her dissatisfaction when she was forced to remain on Vulcan for any length of time. He saw her first trip on enterprise and felt her suppressed anger at him and his people and at her own high command for sending her there. He was fascinated as he watched how her attitude towards the ship, the crew and the human race had gradually changed. And as he delved deeper into her soul he saw something else, something strange and wonderful which he couldn't quite believe. He pulled away from the bond and sat up.
"T'Pol, will you tell me something."
"Of course."
"Why was it that you didn't tell me about the Pon Farr as soon as you decided."
"You already know."
"I want to hear you say it."
"I was.... afraid. I couldn't bear to ask, in case you said no."
"And why didn't you want to return to Vulcan, why did you choose to stay." She shifted slightly, looked down at her hands. He could barely breathe, he needed to hear it spoken out loud, he needed her to confirm what he could scarcely believe. She finally spoke, so softly that he could hardly make out the words.
"I didn't want whoever was found for me. I wanted you. I couldn't have bonded with anyone else after knowing you." He felt his anger fade away like it had never been. Instead all he felt was warmth spreading through him. It seemed too incredible, that she could really share his feelings, that she had really wanted him as he had wanted her. He reached over and touched her cheek, bringing her face up so that her eyes met his.
"I'm glad you stayed T'Pol, I only wish you could have told me the truth."
"I also wish that Jonathan." He smiled slightly at hearing his name on her lips and pulled her closer to him. She sighed softly and rested her head against his shoulder.
"I am sorry for what I did to you, more than I can ever say."
"We both could have done things differently. It doesn't matter anymore. We will know better for another time." They remained like that for a few minutes longer before he gently disentangled himself.
"We should go now, my shift started 15 minutes ago." He sensed her disappointment though she hid it well.
"If that is what you want captain." He watched her leave, letting her get half way down the corridor before stopping her.
"T'Pol, just one more question." She turned around and looked at him curiously.
"Of course captain."
"Do I really have to wait another seven years, love?"
"Just leave me." She did as he wished and slipped out into the corridor watching the door close behind her with a firm click.
***
Hoshi watched as the Vulcan entered the mess hall. She could tell immediately that the encounter hadn't gone off well. To the casual observer she might look the same as ever but looking closely Hoshi could see the slight difference in her poise, she was just a little less assured, less self-possessed. She beckoned the other woman over and gestured to the seat next to her. T'Pol sat down gratefully with a slight sigh. Hoshi felt a sudden burst of pity. She looked completely exhausted, the past few days had taken their toil on her. She wanted to reach out and hug her but wasn't sure how such a gesture would be received. She settled instead for the warmest smile she could muster and a cup of tea. T'Pol began to sip it slowly as Hoshi's curiosity grew. Finally she spoke:
"So what did he say?"
"It was as I expected, he was furious with me." She spoke quietly and levelly with no trace of emotion.
"He may be mad now, but he'll calm down. You shocked him that's all."
"I am not so sure, I have seen him overcome with emotions many times before but never to such an extent. Is the idea of mental contact so very distressing to your people?" The question was difficult. Hoshi tried to imagine someone being able to see into her mind and couldn't stop herself from shuddering slightly.
"I don't know really. I think that the idea of someone knowing everything you are thinking is rather frightening. I know there's a lot of things that go through my mind that I would hate anyone to see, even people I love and trust."
"Nothing is hidden from your bond mate. It would be like hiding something from yourself, or even harder." Hoshi almost felt a stirring of envy for the Vulcans. It must be wonderful to have that much faith in another person, to be completely part of the one you love for all time. Perhaps it could even make up for that lack of closeness with most people around you. No, she didn't think anything could quite make up for that. And of course there was always a chance that your mate might turn out not to be the kind of person you wanted to be bonded to for your entire life.
"That sounds good. I suppose it would be easier if you could both see into each other's minds, it would make it, I don't know, more equal. But it must be hard to give yourself up totally to another person. I don't know that I could trust anyone that much."
"But humans reveal so much to so many people. You make your thoughts and your feelings obvious for others to see. You seem to be able to trust everyone." Hoshi smiled at that.
" You Vulcans are very suspicious people. "
"It is dangerous and illogical to let people see to much of you. That kind of knowledge is too easy to abuse."
"Sometimes you have to take chances. You're talking to me now aren't you?" T'Pol frowned slightly at that.
"I didn't have anyone else."
"I wish I could have been more help."
"Oh you have. Something you said has given me an idea in fact."
"What sort of an idea." Hoshi was curious but the Vulcan remained typically secretive and refused to tell her any more. As she left the room Hoshi was pleased to notice that she seemed a little more her old self and could only wonder what on earth she was planning.
***
Archer paced the length of his cabin, backwards and forwards, unable to keep still. His anger was still simmering. He couldn't believe it: he couldn't believe she had entered his mind without his knowledge; he couldn't believe that she had seen his most private thoughts and memories; he couldn't believe that she had known all this was coming and not even tried to warn him. One word just kept buzzing around in his head, "everything", she had seen everything. His stomach knotted with shame as he thought of more and more things he never wanted anyone to know about, especially not a Vulcan, especially not her. He remembered things he'd felt ashamed for thinking, stupid things he'd done. The thought of her calmly analyzing his character and life with that damn Vulcan superior attitude made him cringe. Worst of all, she knew how he felt about her. She would have seen every unsuitable thought he'd had about her, every single fantasy. He felt his cheeks begin to burn, how could he ever look her in the eyes again. As he was lost in these confused thoughts the door chimed. T'Pol entered, pale and slightly nervous. He felt his anger rise up again. How could she just stand there staring at him with such a blank gaze. He was about to tell her to leave again when she interrupted him:
"Don't ask me to go, there is something I came here to do." He was intrigued despite himself and motioned for her to come in.
"In a true bond, the connection is mutual. It is only right that I should give you an opportunity to redress the balance."
She came towards him and took his hands, placing them on either side of his face. Despite his anger he still felt a flash of arousal at the close contact. He heard he speak a few words softly before being suddenly overwhelmed with a rush of intense guilt tinged with sorrow and regret. He probed deeper and was shocked by the rush of images swirling through his mind. The colors were too bright, the noises were too intense and he was overcome by the tumult of her emotions. Strange memories seemed to stand out; the taste of a fruit eaten many years ago, a vision of a tall, white building in the middle of a lake; an alien woman in bright clothing, her head thrown back in laughter. Gradually the visions became longer and more coherent. He saw T'Pol as a tiny child sitting in the hot desert sun; then an older child in front of a candle, struggling to repress her emotions. He saw her sitting through a dull lesson and her dislike of the teacher. He felt her barely suppressed excitement when she first learnt to pilot a ship. He caught brief glimpses of the many exotic places she'd visited in the earlier part of her career and her dissatisfaction when she was forced to remain on Vulcan for any length of time. He saw her first trip on enterprise and felt her suppressed anger at him and his people and at her own high command for sending her there. He was fascinated as he watched how her attitude towards the ship, the crew and the human race had gradually changed. And as he delved deeper into her soul he saw something else, something strange and wonderful which he couldn't quite believe. He pulled away from the bond and sat up.
"T'Pol, will you tell me something."
"Of course."
"Why was it that you didn't tell me about the Pon Farr as soon as you decided."
"You already know."
"I want to hear you say it."
"I was.... afraid. I couldn't bear to ask, in case you said no."
"And why didn't you want to return to Vulcan, why did you choose to stay." She shifted slightly, looked down at her hands. He could barely breathe, he needed to hear it spoken out loud, he needed her to confirm what he could scarcely believe. She finally spoke, so softly that he could hardly make out the words.
"I didn't want whoever was found for me. I wanted you. I couldn't have bonded with anyone else after knowing you." He felt his anger fade away like it had never been. Instead all he felt was warmth spreading through him. It seemed too incredible, that she could really share his feelings, that she had really wanted him as he had wanted her. He reached over and touched her cheek, bringing her face up so that her eyes met his.
"I'm glad you stayed T'Pol, I only wish you could have told me the truth."
"I also wish that Jonathan." He smiled slightly at hearing his name on her lips and pulled her closer to him. She sighed softly and rested her head against his shoulder.
"I am sorry for what I did to you, more than I can ever say."
"We both could have done things differently. It doesn't matter anymore. We will know better for another time." They remained like that for a few minutes longer before he gently disentangled himself.
"We should go now, my shift started 15 minutes ago." He sensed her disappointment though she hid it well.
"If that is what you want captain." He watched her leave, letting her get half way down the corridor before stopping her.
"T'Pol, just one more question." She turned around and looked at him curiously.
"Of course captain."
"Do I really have to wait another seven years, love?"