Project The British Are Coming
Chapter One
By Mrs Padfoot
Disclaimer: Not mine. Need I say more?
**
"James."
"James."
"JAMES."
Once, a slight nudge would have been all that Sirius Black would need to get his best friend's attention. With a simple touch, James would turn to him, grinning, and ask him what was going on. But as time went on, James was getting worse and worse about listening to him. And so, Sirius Black was forced to resort to more . . . pressing ways of getting his best friend's attention.
"JAMES POTTER, LISTEN TO ME!"
"Huh . . . Padfoot . . . wha?"
"I need your attention," said Sirius, grinning.
"Why?"
"See those two girls over there?" Sirius pointed in the general direction of two girls sipping their own butterbeers at another table.
"Yeah, so?"
"I like that one," Sirius grinned, "she's cute. But I was wondering if I could . . . err . . . you know, pawn the other one off on you?"
"Yeah, whatever," said James vaguely.
"Prongs, are you even listening to me?"
"'Course," said James, waving Sirius away.
"PRONGSIE, PAY ATTENTION!"
"Mmhmm," said James.
Sirius leaned back in his chair, annoyed.
"He's not paying any attention to me, Moony," complained Sirius.
"He's not paying any attention to anyone, Padfoot," sighed Remus. "Except, of course, for the dream girl."
"Who?"
"The dream girl," repeated Remus.
"Who's that?"
"Don't tell me you don't know," said Remus, gesturing across the Three Broomsticks at a girl.
"LILY EVANS?"
"Did someone say Lily?" asked James suddenly, snapping back to attention.
"No," said Remus.
"Oh," said James, obvious disappointed. He turned his eyes back across the room.
"Yes, Padfoot," sighed Remus, "it is, unfortunately, the girl who's name you just spoke."
"Li –"
"Don't say it, Padfoot."
"HER?"
"Yes."
"HER?"
"YES!"
"Poor, poor Prongsie," said Sirius sadly. "She doesn't really – erm – like him very much."
"Well," said Remus slowly, "she's warming up to him – sort of . . . "
"When do you think he'll stop?" asked Sirius eagerly.
"Honestly, Sirius, sometimes I wonder if you really ARE his best friend," said Remus, exasperated.
"I AM!" said Sirius indignantly.
"You don't seem to know him at all sometimes!"
"You're just better at reading people than I am, Moony," said Sirius.
"ANYONE is better at reading people than YOU, Padfoot."
"I'm insulted," said Sirius. "ANYWAY, when will he snap out of it?"
"Erm," said Remus, "well, you see . . ."
" – you don't know," finished Sirius.
"Yeah," said Remus, wilting.
"How could you let me down, Moony? You're supposed to know EVERYTHING!"
"Well, I don't," sighed Remus.
"Will he snap out of it by . . . say, erm, Saturday?"
"Doubtful," said Remus.
"Noooo," wailed Sirius, "MY ENTIRE LIFE IS RUINED!"
"Keep it down, Padfoot," hissed Remus. "Everyone's looking at us now."
"It's just – so – so – sad!"
"Why? What's so important about Saturday?"
"It was the day I was gonna ask that girl over there out," sighed Sirius, "and if Prongsie's obsessed with Li – "
"Don't say it!" hissed Remus.
"If Prongsie's obsessed with HER, then I can't pawn off that girl's friend off on HIM, and I won't get any major snogging action on Saturday," finished Sirius lamely.
"Sirius! Do you ever think about anyone but YOURSELF?"
"Well," began Sirius doubtfully.
"Don't answer that," sighed Remus. "My point was, think of poor, poor Prongsie. He's obsessed with an unreachable woman."
Sirius snorted.
"What?"
"Unreachable?"
"Yes, unreachable," sniffed Remus.
"Sorry, Moony," sighed Sirius, "but Li – SHE is beyond unreachable."
"Fine," sighed Remus. "Prongs is obsessed with an IMPOSSIBLE woman. Shouldn't we worry about him and his feelings more than you and your snogging action?"
"No," said Sirius bluntly.
"PADFOOT!"
"Er – yes?" tried Sirius.
"Thank you," said Remus, rolling his eyes.
"Poor Prongsie," said Sirius, "maybe going out with that girl's friend will make him happier."
"Be – sympathetic – Padfoot," said Remus through his teeth, "I know it's hard for you, but I think you can do it."
"I don't particularly think I can."
"PLEASE, Padfoot," said Remus, shutting his eyes tight.
"I REALLY don't think I can, Moony," sighed Sirius, "all I want is to pawn that girl's friend off on him so I can snog that girl."
Remus sighed.
"Why can't Prongsie just snog Li - HER, get it over with, and get over her?" asked Sirius to no one in particular.
"That's IT!" said Remus.
"What's it?" asked Sirius, staring at Remus as if he had gone nuts.
"If we can get HER to like him – "
"That is a HUGE if, Moony."
"Excuse me, I was in the middle of a sentence. As I was saying, if we can get HER to like him, to go on one – just ONE date with him, he'll probably stop being obsessed with her!" said Remus happily.
"And then I can snog that girl?"
"YES, Padfoot," said Remus, shutting his eyes tight as if trying to erase Sirius from his mind, "then you may snog that girl."
"Yay," said Sirius, "but Moony . . ."
"WHAT, Padfoot?"
"How are we going to get Li – HER to like him?"
"Uh . . ."
"She HATES him," said Sirius.
"Well . . ." said Remus, "we'll have to give that a bit of thought."
Sirius snorted.
"We can do it," said Remus. "You'll see. Hey Peter – you in?"
"Yeah," said their friend, who had been absently listening all the while.
"See?" said Remus. "With the three of us, we're sure to come up with SOME way for this to work."
"Okay," said Sirius, "I'll help. How long do you think it'll take?"
"Uh," said Remus.
"Longer than Saturday, right?" asked Sirius.
"Yeah," sighed Remus.
"Damn."
Remus rolled his eyes.
"Welcome to Project – "
"THE BRITISH ARE COMING!" yelped Sirius suddenly, diving under the table.
"Uh, Padfoot? We are British," said Peter slowly.
"Welcome to Project The British Are Coming," sighed Remus, "for lack of a better name."
"Hey!" said Sirius from under the table, "I think it's a GREAT name."
"You would, Padfoot," sighed Remus.
"Say, Moony," grinned Sirius, "you don't happen to like that girl's friend, do you?"
Remus Lupin's head hit the table with a thud.