Project The British Are Coming
Part Five
By Mrs Padfoot
Disclaimer: If I was JK Rowling, I would really spend all day posting on fanfiction.net... –rolls eyes–
Note: I know it's a habit for us to post daily . . . but Mrs Prongs is taking forever writing the next chapter
(for that matter, I'm not sure she's even STARTED it). I'm trying to hurry her along, really I am, but don't expect an immediate update.
&&&
"MOONY!"
With that said, Remus Lupin looked frantically around the hallway for some place to hide. He knew the voice, and he REALLY didn't feel like talking to Sirius right now. He had been avoiding him all day – although it had been harder today that it was normally – James had been too furious to sit with them and he couldn't go sit with Lily even though usually they were on fairly good terms, because she was spitting fire because he hadn't stopped Sirius. The only thing that he could put between himself and his insane best friend was Peter – but he was desperate enough to avoid an encounter with Sirius that he took his only opportunity.
So far, he had been successful. He hadn't uttered a single word to Sirius all day.
But he had a sinking feeling that his winning streak was going to stop.
Mostly because he couldn't duck around the corner and run without Sirius seeing him.
"Moony," said Sirius, "I have a wonder, super-de-dooper amazing plan."
"Can't talk. Late."
"What are you late for? Classes are over, Moony," said Sirius, looking at Remus in a very confused manner.
"Uh – Prefect's meeting," Remus invented.
"I thought that was Fridays this year?" puzzled Sirius.
"Well – uh," said Remus eloquently.
"Moony, are you trying to avoid me?" asked Sirius sadly.
"Well – "
"Moony, this is IMPORTANT," said Sirius, backing Remus up against the wall.
"Fine," sighed Remus, squeezing his eyes shut in exasperation. "Fine. Just get it over with."
"It's about Project The British Are Coming," said Sirius.
"What?"
"Project The British Are Coming," said Sirius slowly, articulating every syllable as if he were talking to someone especially stupid.
"Oh, yeah," said Remus, wondering once again why the hell they had named it that. "Listen, Padfoot, I've been meaning to talk to you about that – "
"Never mind that, I have an idea for our next attempt," said Sirius, grinning.
"Well, see, Padfoot," sighed Remus, "I think we should just quit."
Sirius's face fell.
"There's nothing we can do – really, Sirius, it seemed like a good idea, but I have a feeling that we should stop now before they both REALLY hate us."
Although Remus had given this a lot of serious thought since the – incident – the night before, and had decided that ending their efforts was definitely the best choice, somehow, he was having second thoughts now.
It probably was because of the pathetically sad look on Sirius's face. His friend looked as if the whole world had just crumbled to pieces.
And every second with Sirius's crestfallen face staring back at him was making him less convinced.
"Oh hell," sighed Remus, "I know I'm going to regret this, but tell me what your idea is."
The change in Sirius was immediate.
"You know our potions assignment for next week?"
"Choose a potion we have not covered in class and write an essay on it?" asked Remus skeptically, wondering where the hell Sirius was going with this.
"That's the one," said Sirius happily. "Well, I was trying to find a COOL potion, you know? I was hoping for something that blew stuff up, but I couldn't find one so I found the next coolest thing."
"Which was?"
"Sickening Sludge. Don't let the name fool you. It's a true prankster's potion. It's tasteless, so it goes in any food, AND it renders the victim with the SYMPTOMS of sickness – dizziness, slight discoloring, fainting, occasionally some vomiting – but they don't ACTUALLY get sick."
Remus raised an eyebrow. He had never heard Sirius speak so clearly and strongly outside one oral presentation he had actually prepared for. Of course, knowing Sirius, he probably had been preparing his description of the potion all day.
"What does sickening sludge have to do with Ja – " Remus changed mid-sentence at Sirius's look "Project The British Are Coming?" he finished dully.
"Everything! We give Prongsie a small dosage, and everyone will think he's sick. And Lily will rush him to the hospital wing and he'll wake up and she'll be there and she'll weep with happiness and exclaim 'Oh, Jamesey, I'm SO glad you're okay!' and he'll reach for her hand and squeeze it and then she'll lean down and – "
"Padfoot."
"Yeah?"
"You're forgetting something. A very important something."
"What?"
"Lily HATES Prongs. She wouldn't take him to the hospital wing if he was DYING."
"Oh yeah . . ." said Sirius thoughtfully.
Remus tried to command his feet to move away. Far, far away.
His feet never seemed to listen to him when he needed them most.
"What if we REVERSED the plan?"
Remus blinked.
"I mean, what if we gave Lily the potion?"
"What good would THAT do, Padfoot? Lily hates James. Lily gets sick. Lily gets better. Lily still hates James."
"Mooo-ony," said Sirius, rolling his eyes, "don't you get it? Lily hates James. Lily gets sick. James takes Lily to the hospital wing and sits by her bed. Lily wakes up, sees James doting on her – Lily doesn't hate James. James, being James, asks Lily out. Lily says okay. Lily falls in love with James. Ta da! It's a perfect plan."
"Padfoot, I really don't think – "
Sirius sighed, and gave Remus the same dejected, sad look.
Remus could not be falling for this.
Could not be.
Could. Not. Be.
COULD. NOT. BE.
But he was.
"Fine," sighed Remus finally. "Go tell Peter Phase Two is about to commence."
**
"Prongs?"
"Prongsie?"
"PRONGSIE!"
"Mm?"
"Don't you want some pumpkin juice?"
"Mm . . . "
"PRONGSIE! PUMPKIN JUICE!"
"Whatever, Padfoot."
Sirius took that as a yes.
He grabbed an empty mug, filled it will pumpkin juice, and poured the contents of a vial of Sickening Sludge into it.
Luckily, Sirius's potions report had been the perfect excuse for brewing the Sickening Sludge. Sirius brewed the thing in the corner and no one questioned him. Of course, that might have been because they didn't want to go near the disgusting smell, but the reason didn't REALLY matter.
Sirius stuffed the mug into James's hand. He didn't let go of it right away, for fear that James would drop it. After about a minute, though, James seemed to realize that he was supposed to take it, and he did so.
He plopped it on the table and went back to staring vacantly.
"PRONGSIE! DRINK IT!"
"Hmm?
"DRINK THE RUDDY PUMPKIN JUICE!"
"Mm."
"DRINK IT!"
James waved Sirius away with slow, dreamy, yet uncaring movements.
"JUST DRINK IT, PRONGSIE!"
"Shut up," muttered James.
"Not until you DRINK IT!"
James grabbed the goblet, drank the entire glass in one gulp, and went back to staring.
"Moony."
"Hmm?"
"Would you put your book down and listen to me?"
"Fine, fine. What is it?"
"I gave Prongsie the potion."
"You gave – WHAT?!"
"I gave Prongsie the potion."
"Padfoot – I thought we were giving Li – HER the potion."
"Oh yeah . . ."
With those words, Remus Lupin knew he was completely, totally and utterly doomed.