Summary: Yami Yugi thinks about himself, or what he knows about himself.
Title: Fire
Author: Ryo0oki
Rating: PG
Warnings: none
A long time ago, I was a different person. I don't remember that time, but I know enough to realise that I have changed.
Sometimes, I'll receive flashes from that time. Distant memories, feelings from long ago. Most of the time, I can't make much sense of them. They're so jumbled and convoluted- often, they come to me after I awaken from a period of rest so I can't tell if they were once reality or only my subconscious manifesting itself into wishful ideals. To be honest, I think I may have consciously created some of my so-called memories.
A lot of my flashes are of random images. I'll see colors, going by so fast they appear to be a blue. Many times, I've found pictures of the never-ending desert lurking just beyond my conscious grasp. Often, there will be flowers- beautiful, pale pink, cerulean, carmine... I've often wondered about the flowers and what they meant. Probably nothing. Probably just a garden, or something of that sort. I probably passed through it a few times on my way to more important duties. Probably.
But the vividness of the memory always makes me wonder if there is some significance to it. Something I should recall but can't.
I don't simply receive images. Much of the time, emotions will accompany them. They scare me. No, not fear. Not the kind of mind numbing terror that occurs when... well, never. At least not anytime I can bring to mind. Rather, they evoke a cold, empty feeling in me, as though I am sinking into an abyss of my own creation. The emotions- most of them I've never felt in my lifetime.
No, I do not consider my past part of my current state. How could I? I don't remember any of it.
Hatred.
So much Hatred in my past life- despite the brevity of my visions, the intensity nearly overwhelms me. Hatred will be associated with the oddest things. For example, my flowers often come attached with Hatred clinging to them like morning dew.
I get the impression that I was angry a lot.
There were other sentiments as well, but most were passing impressions. Regular emotions. Nothing worth getting worked up about. Except...
Once, directly after the draining duel with Pegasus, I remember a rush of past memories. The others told us we had blacked out. It didn't seem that way to me. Instead, I felt alive. I felt as if I were a tangible being of my own. This wasn't Yugi's body, this wasn't a projection of the mind- this was me.
And these feelings were my own.
Love is such an abstract term. You know when you hate. But what separates Love from simple Joy?
I could not tell you the answer. I knew the answer once, and for a brief moment, I knew it again. But then I was ascending from the blackness, descending into reality, and it slipped away.
For good? I hope not.
Yugi knows that something is wrong- has been wrong for a long time. To be more precise, he senses it. His actions reflect knowledge of it, and yet he does not truly know. If he did, he would troubled. He is a kind boy, and he thinks I am too.
He is naïve like that. His innocence allows him to gloss over any questionable actions I have taken and replace my intent with his ideal.
I do love him. You cannot live inside his mind for any amount of time without appreciating every aspect of his pure and untainted soul.
He does not make me burn, though.
Once, long ago, Hatred fueled me. Now, this love, this passive version of love, fuels me. How odd.
Often, I wonder how such a banal emotion could enlist the righteous fury that fills my intangible heart. I remember, a clear, evincible memory, how Malik attempted to kill Jounouchi and Mai. I remember feeling as though a dam had been broken. I wanted nothing more than to rip Malik apart with my bare hands, to watch him scream and writhe as his blood coated my hands.
I could not, of course. Instead, I simply blocked the blast. It was Yugi's control over me.
Perhaps, it is not I after all, but Yugi who extracts that fury. I am his yami, his other side that comes to bring about sweet justice to his enemies when his pacifist ways become futile. I am his tool.
Or am I acting of my own will?
What is him, and what is me? Yugi refers to me as a separate version of himself. If I am separate, though, how is it that I cannot distinguish his emotions from mine?
I want that distinction. I want everything that comes with it.
I wonder what caused it before.
~fin
Pls review, as always. Inspired by Yami Yugi's obvious need to SAVE EVERYONE.
-ryo0oki