Project the British are Coming
Chapter 9
By Mrs. Padfoot
Note: Yay – I'm done! The second part was written waaaaaaay before the first half was... lol. Mrs. Prongs would like credit for the French fries... er – don't ask, just read.
***
If anything, Sirius looked even sadder in potions than he had at breakfast.
James had chosen to sit across the potions room at a different table (next to Lily, of course), and was completely ignoring his best friend.
Sirius wilted.
Remus couldn't help but feel sorry for him.
Naturally, he regretted it.
Didn't he always?
Halfway through lunch, Sirius stumbled in with a huge grin on his face.
Normally, Remus would have been very, VERY scared.
But for some reason, he wasn't quite as scared as he should have been.
And he should have been.
Oh, yes, he should have been.
He knew that as soon as Sirius opened his mouth.
Then he came back to reality.
"Go away, Padfoot."
"I didn't say anything yet!"
"But I already know I don't want to hear it. Go away."
Sirius sniffed.
"Everyone hates me, Peter!" wailed Sirius.
Peter glared at Remus.
"First Prongsie, and now Moony!"
Peter nudged Remus.
Remus ignored them.
"Do you hate me, Wormtail?"
"Of course not, Sirius!"
"YOU'RE LYING! EVERYONE HATES ME! WHY DON'T YOU JUST ADMIT IT!?!" screamed Sirius.
Everyone eating stared at him.
Except, of course, for Remus.
And James.
"Keep it down, would you, Padfoot?" said Remus.
"Well, then, Moony," said Sirius, "I'll just tell Peter my brilliant plan about Project the British are Coming."
"Padfoot, wha – ?" began Remus. He tried again. "Project the British are Coming is DEAD!"
"Yes, but Wormtail and I are bringing it back. Right, Pete?"
"Uh – "
"Padfoot – " sighed Remus.
"Sorry, Moony, you're not included this time. It's just me, Peter, and our amazing brain power!"
Remus snorted into his water.
"You may laugh – but – uh – "
Remus rolled his eyes.
" – we – are – er – cooler than you! Right Peter?"
"Uh – "
"And we're going to have a meeting tonight in the common room WITHOUT YOU, Moony! How do you like that? Huh?"
"Well – " began Remus.
"You can sit with JAMES."
Remus closed his eyes tightly.
"FINE, Padfoot, I'll come!"
"Really?"
**
So, very much against his will, Remus found himself in the common room (again) surrounded by idiots (again) attempting to get Lily and James together (again).
"Mooony," said Sirius, "introduce me and my brilliant plan!"
"Why?" asked Remus, "everyone here knows who you are and that you have a brilliant plan."
"Butttttt MOOOOOOONY," said Sirius, giving him a puppy-dog face, "I can't give my brilliant plan without an proper introduction!"
"Fine," sighed Remus, "Welcome to – "
"REMUS! You have to STAND UP and introduce us!"
"Fine," sighed Remus, "Welcome to the third meeting – "
"No, Moony," said Sirius with a pronounced sigh. "You have to say third and HOPEFULLY final meeting."
"Fine," sighed Remus, "Welcome to the third and hopefully final meeting of Project the – "
"MOONY! It's meeting of what WAS Project the British are coming! We collapsed it, remember?"
"Fine," sighed Remus, "Welcome to the third and hopefully final meeting of what was Project the British are Coming, in which we will discuss – "
"PRESENT, Moony, not discuss. There will be no need to discuss it.
"Fine," sighed Remus, "Welcome to the third and hopefully final meeting of what was Project the British are Coming, in which we will present Padfoot's idea – "
"Padfoot's BRILLIANT, life-changing idea!"
"Fine," sighed Remus, "Welcome to the third and hopefully final meeting of what was Project the British are Coming, in which we will discuss Padfoot's brilliant, life-changing idea."
Peter clapped.
Sirius stood up and took a bow.
"And now, I will tell you of my brilliant idea," said Sirius.
He paused.
"Ahem – where's my applause?" asked Sirius.
Peter and Remus clapped boredly, but Sirius didn't seemed to notice their lack of enthusiasm.
"We, the ex-members of Project the British are Coming," he began.
He stared at them.
They clapped.
"Are gathered here in a mock of our old meetings, to discuss: the plan."
Before Sirius had a chance to pause dramatically, Remus and Peter clapped.
"I suggest..."
Remus and Peter stared at him.
"That we..."
And stared at him.
"Reconvene Project T – ahhhhhhhhhhh!"
Sirius jumped and ducked behind the couch.
"Padfoot – what the...?"
"Jamesey alert," hissed Sirius from behind them.
Sure enough, James had walked in, reading something with a vague smile on his face. He headed straight for the 7th year boys' dormitories.
Sirius popped right back out.
"So. I think we should reconvene Project The British Are Coming," said Sirius, "in honor of my no-fail, perfect, absolutely wonderful plan!"
Remus and Peter stared at him.
"What?"
"We're astonished you know the word reconvene," said Remus.
Sirius blinked.
"But go on, Padfoot," sighed Remus. "Tell us your brilliant plan."
"No."
Remus and Peter stared at Padfoot, then each other, then Padfoot again.
"What?" asked Peter.
"I said no. FIRST we must reform Project the British are Coming, and THEN I will tell you my brilliant plan."
"Padfoot –" Remus began.
"Don't worry," said Sirius, "it's very easy. Just sign here."
He took out a roll of parchment, which Remus guessed to be about four feet long of minuscule writing.
"Are we supposed to read all that?" asked Peter.
"Well – if you want to," said Sirius, "but it just states all the goals and such for Project the British are Coming."
"Is that what you were writing during History of Magic?" asked Remus suspiciously.
"Um – no," said Sirius. "Anyway – "
"You should've been paying attention," said Remus.
"Go away, Moony," said Sirius seriously, "Okay, well, I can read it for you if you'd like."
"Yes, please do," said Remus.
"Ahem," said Sirius. "The aims of Project the British of Coming are as following: to get James out of his dreamlike trance, to get Lily to stop hating James, to get Lily to stop thinking James is a prat, to get Lily to stop disliking James, to get Lily to stop avoiding James, to get James to snog that girl's friend so Padfoot may snog that girl, to – "
"Padfoot."
"Yeah?"
"Is this WHOLE THING like that?"
"Well, no . . . there's stuff like, to get Lily and James to name their children Sirius, Remus, and Peter – oh, and to make Padfoot godfather of all the little Potters – "
"In other words, yes," sighed Remus.
"Can't we just sign it?" whined Peter.
"Well, if you want to, but – "
Remus grabbed the paper from Sirius, scribbled "Moony" under where it said "Padfoot", and handed it to Peter, who signed it as well.
"Now tell us your plan."
Sirius grinned manically.
Remus felt his heart sink.
"We," began Sirius, "are."
A dramatic pause.
"Going."
"To."
"Sirius," said Remus, "just spit it out."
"FINE. We're going to make French fries."
This was such a stupid proclamation, even for Sirius, that Remus thought he hadn't heard right.
"Excuse me?"
"WE ARE GOING TO MAKE FRENCH FRIES."
Absolute.
Silence.
Then . . .
"Please tell me you're kidding."
"Why would I be kidding, Moony?"
"Because that's not a plan, Padfoot, you idiot."
"Yes it is."
"No it's not."
"Yes it is."
"Just TRUST me on this one, Padfoot, it's NOT a plan."
"But Moony – "
"You thought it was brilliant. I know."
"Exactly, so – "
"You're not normal, Padfoot. What you think is brilliant is usually – well, not."
Sirius looked crushed.
"But – if we make French fries – Lily will DEFINITELY like James. Don't you see, Moony?"
A pause.
"Well," Remus began, "actually – no, Padfoot. I don't see how that works at all."
"You don't?"
"No."
"Oh. Moony?"
"Yes?"
"Why not?"
"Because neither Lily NOR James has anything to do with French fries."
"YES THEY DO! See – "
Remus held up a hand.
"I don't think I want to know."
"Oh."
"Er, Padfoot?" said Peter.
"What?" asked Sirius, in a slightly miffed tone of voice. He was now sitting on the couch and had taken a defensive posture.
"If that was the whole reason for reconvening Project the British are Coming, why are we still here?"
"Hmmph," said Sirius, "it's not my fault you two are stupid and can't use logic properly."
Remus coughed loudly.
"With that in mind," said Remus, "I think the Project's off again."
"No it's not," said Sirius.
"Yes, it is," said Remus.
"No, it's not," insisted Sirius.
"And why not?" asked Remus.
"Because you signed the contract."
"And?"
"At the bottom of the contract, it says 'all the undersigned are committed to actively stay in Project the British are Coming UNTIL a) Lily and James are happily together or b) Sirius has snogged that girl.'"
Remus and Peter gaped at him.
"So, basically for life?" asked Remus.
"NO!" said Sirius, "I actually made significant progress with that girl yesterday. I found out her name!"
"Oh? What is it, then?"
"Her name is – uh. Um. Well. I found it out. I didn't say I remembered it."
"Moving on."
"No, I also asked if she wanted to go to Hogsmeade."
"What did she say?"
"She said no, she'd like to but she promised Lily to look at robes. So I told her she could BRING Lily."
"You know – Padfoot – if we could get James there with you three – " said Remus suddenly.
"Lily'd kill him? Or he'd kill me?"
"No – if you and whatever her name is were snogging – "
Sirius brightened up significantly at this thought.
" – then James and Lily are left awkwardly staring at the two of you snogging – "
Sirius sniggered.
" – then they might be civil to each other!"
Sirius's grin grew to the size of Australia.
"Sirius – are you okay?" asked Peter.
"Wha – oh, hi Peter. What were you saying, Moony? I was thinking about snogging that girl."
"Right. Peter, I'll invite James – he'll go if Lily goes – hopefully we can end our life-long sentence to serve in this godforsaken Project."
Sirius looked from one to the other, confused.
"What's wrong with Project the British are Coming?" asked Sirius.
"Everything."
Sirius sighed.
"Saturday, then?"
"Yeah," said Peter.
"WAIT, guys!" said Sirius, "what do I have to do?"
"Don't worry Sirius – you just have to snog that girl."
"Oh, goodie. I get the best job."
"Uh – sure, Padfoot."