Chapter Two
Comfortable
By Ducks
Disclaimer: JAG isn't mine…today at least…hehehe (evil laugh)
Author's Note: Thank you so much to all of you who sent in reviews and also all those who read, y'all really made my day – my week actually. Oh and I apologize about the whole weird large spacing thing that was going on in the last chapter, my comp likes to be strange.
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After a week of recovery Sarah Mackenzie was ready for work. She was so tired of all the debriefing that she had over at the CIA and had decided that never would be too soon for her to go on another undercover operation. She just wanted to get back to normalcy and that equaled JAG. The Admiral wouldn't let her go back to work right after all of her superficial wounds had healed, he showed his caring side in a gruff manner, telling her that he wanted her back 150%, mind and body, because she had a lot of work on her desk. She knew that he just meant that he wanted all the marbles in her head aligned and secure.
So she was suck at home for another 4 days. It was Thursday and she didn't go back to JAG until Monday. What was she going to do with herself? She didn't want to be alone because then her demons would come out to play and would wreck havoc on her psyche, something that she couldn't handle; it was something that she was used to forcing into the back of her mind and locking it in the safe box back there, then throwing away the key.
But having so much time on her hands, and having the cable out, she couldn't not think, she couldn't not overanalyze her life. She called the Admiral and begged him to give her some work for the few days before she was to report back to work. He refused. But he did come over to her apartment to check on her.
Sarah was taking yet another nap since it was easier to sleep than think, when knocking awoke her. She was completely disoriented and had no idea what time it was. Her internal clock had been thrown off by all the down time she was having. She opened her door and was very surprised to see the Admiral at the door with food.
"Hello, Colonel. How are you doing? I hope you don't mind, I took the liberty of bringing food over, I was banking on the idea that you were at home resting, and luckily I was right."
"Good afternoon sir. I am doing well, very well in fact, that I think I should be going back to work this afternoon but that decision is not mine to make so I'm just catching up on my sleep."
"Yes, that isn't your decision to make. I am your CO and I actually do know what I am doing, most of the time anyway. You just have a few more days and you'll be back at work and cursing me for load I am giving you."
"I highly doubt that sir."
"Just wait until Monday to make that verdict. Anyway, I was wondering if you would like to join me for lunch. I brought some Thai food from that place that just opened up around headquarters, it's called Neisha Thai. I haven't tried it yet but Meredith swears by the Washingtonian and it names the restaurant one of the top hundred picks."
"Well I trust her judgment. You know you can come inside sir." The Admiral looks a bit sheepish as he steps through the threshold of her apartment.
"Thank you. Since we are not in the office and you are on leave until Monday I think it is only fair that we speak on informal terms, if that's alright with you, Mac."
"Sure sir. I mean AJ…Sorry, it just feels a bit weird."
"Understandable." They set up the food and starting eating. "I didn't know what you would like and I wanted to surprise you so I didn't call you, then I was going to call Rabb but I decided against that one too…"
"Sir, AJ, it's ok, don't worry about it. As Harm has said on numerous occasions, I like to eat and I am amicable to most any food, as long as it's not his vegetarian lasagna." She thinks back to that happy time and has a small soft smile that doesn't go unnoticed by AJ.
"Oh, I remember the scuttlebutt about that one. Don't look surprised. Tiner is the worst old lady when it comes to gossip, I just hope that Coates is as good as he was. I don't think it's fair for me to compare them but I mean the comparison is there, she is taking over his job so…"
"I understand," Mac replies laughing, she has never seen the Admiral look so uncomfortable and at the same time weirdly comfortable, it was disconcerting. "I can just picture Tiner as an old woman at the beauty salon gossiping at the hair dryers, it's a funny sight." AJ just looks perplexed but finally can see the scene in his head and snorts with laughter.
"On a more serious note, how are you doing, Mac? I don't even want to think about what happened in Paraguay to you and that Webb but are you handling ok?"
"Honestly, I am coping. It was a completely different world down there, something that my Marine training never even came close to preparing me for, mentally I mean, physically you know Marines are the best, but it was unexplainable there."
"I am so sorry Sarah. If I had known, I wouldn't have even considered letting you go with Webb. Usually on those missions with him, you and Harm have been very lucky and never gotten put in really bad positions. Well you have but somehow you both are so lucky that you all got out unscathed."
"It wasn't your fault sir," she shakes her head, "I mean AJ. You gave me the option to accept the mission or decline it. I made the decision of my own volition. If I had known then what I know now, I don't know if I could would have turned down the mission. Harm and I got rid of those stinger missiles and many of the "bad guys." Nothing physically happened to me that was really bad, except for Harm crashing another plane, but they never tortured me, Harm saved the day just in time." There was a long pause where Sarah was lost in her own thoughts. AJ could see them flitting across her eyes and decided not to interrupt.
She completely forgot that AJ was there and was in her own world reliving the events in Paraguay. "I was on the table that Clayton had been on when they tortured him. I saw the instruments. I was strapped on to that torture table and all I could do is wait. The guards who were about to torture me heard Harm and Gunny come to our rescue and they left me in there, on the table, waiting. Just imagining all the things that they could have done to me, I could have easily let myself go insane." She smiled a small, sad smile. "But Harm pulled me out of it. Him and his damn bantering. He brought me back from the brink of sanity." A huge realization hit her right then, as she was lifting the pud thai noodle to her mouth. She dropped her chopsticks and exclaimed, "Dammit, I completely fucked that up with him!"
The Admiral had been quiet that whole time because he knew that she had forgotten his presence. His eyes widened in surprise at her exclamation but he said nothing. He was extremely eager to hear what she had to say. He moved closer to her in anticipation of her admission about Rabb.
Mac continued her thoughts outloud, unaware of the Admiral's presence, still. "I can't believe that I didn't realize this before I opened my big mouth and told him that a relationship between us would never work! Ugh! I am such a moron. For a long time I thought that he had only one main, true love in his life – flying. And you know what he did? He gave that up for ME – to save ME when my mission went south. He gave up his one true love for…"
The Admiral had to put in his opinion here, he wanted to speed up the realization process a little bit. He was getting too impatient. Almost eight years of waiting could cause a man to be impatient. "YOU. He gave it all up for you, Mac. It's always been about you."
Mac realized where those words were coming from and she completely closed up. "Sir! I am so sorry. I completely forgot that you were here. I overstepped my bounds, I apologize."
"Mac don't close down on me now. You were just getting somewhere important. Realization of such a pivotal thing in your life isn't something you can plan. Now I know you well enough that if you were alone, you would have shut down completely and done the whole ignoring routine. Talk this through Mackenzie." His words were followed by a long pause, interrupted by the clicking of chopsticks.
"Sir, AJ, I just…can't. I can't face any of this. I am tired of being the one to realize and face things. It's just too much…I'm fine, don't worry about me."
"I know you can handle yourself better than any officer and person I know but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't help yourself or have help in such difficult situations."
"AJ, I don't need help. I am a big girl who has faced everything by herself and doesn't need someone's help now."
"I know I can't help you because I am too close to the situation, but what if you got yourself some help, outside of JAG and the Marines? I think it could help a lot. You know I hate being personal, but I only want what's best for you."
Since Mac was dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions, AJ's admission threw off her equilibrium. Her eyes quickly filled, and the Admiral uttered a 'damn.' At that, Mac shook her head and steeled her eyes. "Thanks sir," shakes her head, "AJ. That means more to me than anything you could have said."
"Ugh. I don't like this emotional stuff. But do you think you will consider getting someone to talk to? Maybe to help you sort out all this conflicting emotional turmoil; it obviously has been building and has been boiling up and over in and since Paraguay?"
"I don't know. I don't really want to face it. I don't want to think. I want to throw myself into work and forget anything that has happened these past weeks. It's driving me insane that I have had to stay home, and think."
AJ smiled at that, "I know. That was my intention." Sarah grinned at him for his evilness. "Unfortunately, I have to get back to work, since my lunch hour is over. But this has been a very interesting and informative lunch. We miss you back a JAG and want you back as soon as possible, but that means that you will be completely recovered from everything in Paraguay by then."
"Sir, with all due respect, I don't think that will be possible by Monday. And this whole informative business, yeah, it stays right here at this table with this food. K?"
"Yes, ma'am." He saluted her with a smile. "If you do anything before Monday, please do something for me and go see someone. I know what you are thinking, it doesn't mean you are weak, it means that you are stronger for admitting that you need help. Trust me, when I had just gotten divorced, I was afraid to date, or even get emotionally close to a woman, I had been that hurt. I went to get help. Now I am happy and able to have an emotionally satisfying relationship with Meredith."
Mac looked amazed at the Admiral's admission and couldn't speak for a few moments because he had confided in her. "Sir, I had, I had no idea. Thank you. I really needed that. I am going to think about talking to someone, but I think you know that I am going to do it, just because of you and what you told me about yourself."
"That's all I ask, Colonel. Now I am going to get back to work and I will call you this weekend ok? I want to check up on my Chief of Staff to see how she is fairing. I worry you know."
"Thank you, sir."
"Get better Mac."
"Thanks to you, sir, I am well on my way." The Admiral left and Mac felt lighter than she had since before Paraguay, since before her father died, since before this whole thing with Harm had gotten off it's 'honeymoon' track years before. The Admiral, in his own way, had gotten her started on the right track, she just needed the courage and strength to continue on it. So before she could even think, she called up the psychiatrist's number that the Admiral left on her counter. As she waited for someone to answer the phone Mac thought, this Brianna McLean better be as good as the Admiral says because I don't think I could handle it if she couldn't help me.
"Dr. McLean's office?"
It's now or never, Marine. "Hi, my name is Sarah Mackenzie and I was referred to Dr. McLean by a friend. I was wondering if I could get an appointment at the next available time?"
"Let me see, Sarah. Who referred you?"
"Admiral AJ Chegwidden."
"Hold on one moment." Barely one minute passed before the receptionist was back one the phone. "I can have you in this afternoon. Dr. McLean personally asked me to see if you could come in as soon as possible. The Admiral was a special patient of hers and anyone he refers is top priority."
Sarah smiled at the Admiral's reach. "Sure, I can come in at 4 if that is possible."
"4 is perfectly fine. Now let me get some information from you, give you directions, and we'll be all set…"
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Author's Ramblings: Tell me what you all think of this chapter. Was the emotional stuff too abrupt? How do you like the direction? I'd love to hear what you think.