~I've had nothing to do this weekend so I wrote another chapter, right after the second.  I like this one because it shows a more vulnerable Trowa.  Yes, I will add more if people like.  Please review and tell me what you think! ~

Chap 3- Mirrors of Lost Hearts

Dear Journal, Date: 4.6.03

I looked into the mirror today. I tend to avoid them because staring at my reflection always fills me with disgust and shame. I'm not like Heero, however. I don't go out of my way to stay away from reflective objects. That would be too obvious and the others would notice. Do I want them to notice? Ha, are you joking? Mirrors…they just bug me sometimes. They reflect what everyone else sees, but is that who I truly am inside? Mirrors don't show the lost, hateful person I am. They don't show the drugs, the death; the pain. They just show my mask—my outer shell. Empty inside, remember?

My eyes haunt me sometimes. They're forest green, but there's nothing interesting about them. They lack the intensity of Heero's blue, the depth of Wufei's brown, the wonder of Quatre's icy blue, and the charm of Duo's violet. Mine are just plain, empty; nothing. Sometimes that's a good thing and sometimes it's not. It really depends on how you look at it. For example, they show absolutely no emotion. When I'm angry, no one can tell. When I ache inside beyond all possible reason, I look normal. It's just the way it is. Nothing penetrates my outer, fake shell.

Sometimes I worry though. How could anyone not notice? My façade is so thin that I'd bet you when they'd find out and think I'd win. But I never do. No one ever sees through it. Is it because they don't want to? Maybe it's because they don't have the time to; they don't care enough to even look. Life passes you by and only some of us actually make an effort to watch it. Others busy themselves with chores, lovers, etc. It's disgusting really. You only have so much time on this earth and some of us considerably less. Do they even understand that they're wasting valuable time they'll never get back? You don't get second chances. You live and then you die. That's it. Resurrection and rebirth doesn't exist—it was created by some stupid bloke as a prank for April Fools Day. Too bad humanity bought it. It must've been the downfall of my existence. Wahoo.

I missed my chance for redemption a while ago anyway. I should've died that day, but that stupid girl Catherine stopped me. Doesn't she get it? I should've died. I wanted to die. I wanted to end it all and not look back. I knew the risks. Everyone knew the risks. Dying is natural. It happens all of the time. You die and then that's it. Sure, some people get hurt, but isn't that part of it? Part of death is acceptance, and the other part is just plain shit. "Don't you get that people care about you?!" Oh please, give me a break. People caring about me? She's on drugs more than I am. I swear to God, if she ever knew—

She doesn't, Trowa. No one knows. Not even you do. You buried it, remember? Life is one big mind game. So get over it. Move on. No one understands. Not they're fault, it's yours. You dragged them to this. You led them on.

I hate this. I hate me. I hate that memory. I hate the fact that I was too weak to just press that stupid button. Heero did, so why couldn't I? I'm not even sure if I'm angry at Catherine for stopping me. I wouldn't have done it in the end, so it wasn't really her fault. I was too pathetic to just finish it when I knew I had to. It's a thing called sacrifices, remember? I suppose I'm too fragile, like glass. When I break, I break. Nothing can put me back together. I'm not strong. I'm not brave. I'm absolutely nothing. You never hear soldiers using glass as weapons. They used metal, like iron. Heero's iron and I'm glass. Wow, lucky me. Isn't this fair? I don't know if I mind though. Being glass means that people see right through me, not through my façade. They don't see Trowa; they see what's behind Trowa. I don't exist to them. I don't exist to anyone. Do I want that? Is that okay with me? I don't know, really. I never thought about it. I probably never will.

Mirrors are made of glass so maybe that's why I can't stand them. You see yourself, but you see everything else in the picture as well. When looking into a mirror, it's easy to ignore certain stuff and have others be top show. That's all I am. I'm nothing to the rest of the world. I'm nothing to myself. I'm a mirror, reflecting whatever is in my path. Mirrors don't reflect emotions; they don't reflect fear. They reflect objects, eyes; hair. Facial expressions are sometimes there, but never with me. I have no facial expression. Emotions are a loss to me. I've forgotten how to smile; to laugh. Dr. J taught me how to deal with that, but I learned long before him that feelings are a waste of time. They get you in trouble and that's something I don't need.

I've been a soldier all my life. I've been nothing all my life.

Journal, Date: 12 AM, 4.6.2003

Have you ever stared outside and gotten lost in an abyss of blue and green and white? It feels like spring but it is winter still because of the cold. I miss spring. I miss life. Okay, maybe not all of life, but some of it I actually liked. Take laughing, for example. Do you know how nice it is to just watch someone laugh? Duo laughs all of the time and I always get the desire to join him, though I never do. Why should I? I forgot how. Laughing is hard to do and I'd rather not ever go there. I prefer to just watch.

I stare outside quietly, watching the day pass me by. Who needs laughing? I'm just happy sitting here, watching the sun. I don't need to express my feelings. No one else is watching anyway.

Wufei came up behind me and sat down in the chair next to where I was sitting beside the window. I didn't look over at him, caught up in staring out at the day beyond my own life's boundaries. Beauty is captured only by the beautiful so it is something beyond my comprehension. Still, I am contented in watching it even I don't understand.

"Trowa, may I speak to you?" Wufei's voice is unusually uneasy so I look up, despite my own wishes. I don't want him to look at me, not when I feel so empty inside. When putting nothing next to something, the end results can be catastrophic towards the nothingness. Thus, why I feel like utter shit. Take that, modern scientists and psychiatrists of this chaotic, modern-day world.

"Sure, Wufei, go ahead." What do I care? It doesn't matter to me. Go ahead, Wufei. Try to crack my shell. I'd like to see you try.

"I know." My heart sinks at the sound of those two simple words. To me, they're hell. No, worse than hell. It's like being molested by Michael Jackson. The only thing running through my head is, "oh shit, I'm in trouble now." You couldn't be more right, Trowa.

"Know about what?" Despite my anxiety within, I act normally. I have nothing to worry about, remember? Good old Trowa is stable. I'm fine. No one knows. No one can know.

"Trowa, I know," is all he says. Great, now I'm in deep shit. Why the hell did I listen to Quatre? I shouldn't have ever written anything down. He probably read it. It probably justified his suspicions about my drug habits and suicidal tendencies. Well, isn't this great?

"Know about what, Wufei?" Hey, if he's going to personalize sentences, I might as well reciprocate.

"I know about everything, Trowa." Sometimes I wonder about him. Couldn't he be a little more specific? I don't understand. I want him to just tell me straight out, "Trowa, I know what you're doing to yourself. I know that you love drugs and want to die and have an awful inferiority complex. I know."

"…Everything means what, exactly?" Play it cool, Trowa. He doesn't know anything. Damn, Duo just walked in with Heero and Quatre. I'm in deep shit aren't I? This is going to be one of those confrontations they have on TV. I'm going to be sent off to some rehab place and never going to come back. The cannibals will eat me or something. I'm shot now.

"Trowa, whatever it is…you know you can tell us, right?" Quatre looks scared as he says that. I don't think he's so sure of himself. He can't handle the truth. I'm supposed to be okay. I'm supposed to be alive. But I'm not and that must hurt to know. Well, at least he sort of understands how I feel. So why do I feel guilty?

"…Right, Quatre…" I don't really want to know anymore. I don't want to be here, sitting with my four sullen friends staring at me with pained eyes. They look like someone just died. Oh, that must be me.

"So, why--"

"--why the hell are you doing this to yourself, asshole?!!" I guess Quatre was speaking too kindly for Duo so he cut him off. What is he talking about? Is it the drugs, the self-hatred, the burying of problems, the suicidal desires, the lack of sleep—what?

"Doing what?" I stand, now getting a bit defensive. When someone confronts me, I just put up a shield and do my best to block it all out. I don't need to hear him tell me how horrible a person I am when I tell myself 24/7. Thanks, Duo, but you're a little late in caring. Hell, you all are a little late in just about everything with me.

"Everything, Trowa; don't you get it?! We know! We know about the drugs and the—damnit, everything!" I stand there in silence, staring. I don't know what to say. What would you say? Would you deny it? Well, I can't, can I? They have proof, I bet. In a sick, twisted way I'm happy. I'm happy I got busted. I'm sick of living a lie. It's not the drugs that I hate. It's me. It's me using them for my own sick purposes. Drugs are used as medicine, asshole. There are people dying out there in Magnolia (or wherever the hell there are poor people) and here you are crying over killing people. Get over it. I wish I could. I want to just let go of all that. I want to be okay. Guys, are you going to help me? Ha, you've got to be joking. They just want me out so they don't have to feel guilty. They don't want to be the bad guys in this, forcing me to the final method of destruction. Wow, I'm so lucky to have friends like you.

I look down, angry at myself for whatever reason. I must've justified their accusations because I heard Quatre give out a grievous cry and walk away. Great, now he's going to go hang himself.

"I…I can't believe this." No, Duo, you can't. Why do you think I never told you? It's because none of you could ever handle this. How could you deal with the truth?

"Trowa, why are you doing this?" That's all Heero could manage, I suppose. I'm not going to give him an answer. Let him figure it out. I grab my journal and walk out silently, not glancing back once. They all run after me but it's too late. I've already pulled my trench coat on and walked outside, not caring if they lock me out or not. I'll live somewhere else. I'll find a drug dealer and room with him. Then I can get high whenever I want.

Wufei ran after me—he's very fast—and grabbed my arm. "Stop, we're trying to help!" I don't want your help. I don't want your pity. I just want to get away from you. Don't you guys get it? I'm trying to run away.

I pull away from his grasp and continue on. Remember what I said before? The key to walking away is to never look back. Take a hint, guys. I didn't live through the war. I barely even lived through breakfast the day before. Now you've gotten a glimpse of the Trowa inside and you guys think you can revitalize me. Make me anew. You can make me stronger. You have the technology; you can make me faster, better than before. Okay, enough of watching Dogma for me.

Somebody tackles me. I groan in pain and look up, seeing a pair of bright, violet eyes stare back at me. Duo tackled me. I should've known. Wufei would've sooner cut his own head off before tackling me. It's just not something he'll do. That and peanut butter.

"You are not leaving." Wow, did you come up with that all on your own, Duo? I can't exactly leave without the ability to move. It's a small problem, I know, but I prefer the use of my legs to getting smothered. People would usually take this the wrong way, but we're friends. None of us are gay (except maybe Quatre, but I don't even think he's a boy to begin with). Duo just wants to stop me from running away with the only way he knows how: rub my face in the dirt and make sure I can't move or else I'd stab him.

"I –gasp- can't." Ouch, this fucking hurts. Idiot, the drugs aren't killing me—you are. I need to move. I need to breathe. That's what humans do. They breathe.

"Ah, so it worked!" I frown, trying my best to push him off. This isn't a laughing matter. You guys were just yelling at me for using drugs and now you're happy that I'm not leaving? I must be missing something. I manage to shove Duo off and start down the sidewalk. Just run away, Trowa. You'll never see your friends again. Leave that life behind. Start over.

I hear footsteps and panting behind me but I never look back. That'd slow me down and I can't afford loss of speed. Wufei and Heero are fast so it's a wonder I'm still ahead of them. I need to get away. I need cocaine. Hell, I need a life.

"Trowa, stop it! We just want to help!" Duo pants, behind Wufei and Heero. I don't want their help. I didn't want it then and I surely don't' want it now. They'd have to look deep in my soulless life and see the lack of beauty in me. I'm just ugly and fucked up inside. There's nothing good about me except perhaps the soldier bit. This isn't self-pity either. I've recognized my lack of whatever and moved on. I'm just honest.

I stumble and fall, scraping my knee and my left arm. I break my fall with my left hand and swear in pain. I've nearly died five times and hear I am swearing about a cut up hand. I bet Dr. J would be proud of me now. Not.

I see the stone set in your eyes. That's a song. Okay, I've officially lost it. What stone? My eyes are empty, remember? I'm a soulless creature. I see the thorn twist in your side. Memories of the war flood back to me. Red pools of silky blood ravage my mind, intoxicating me. I need to get away from this.

Wufei comes up with Heero and kneels down beside me. "Trowa…please…" His voice is hoarse, cracking. I've never seen a vulnerable Wufei and I never want to again. It kills. I don't want to hurt my friends like this, but I can't help it. He touches my arm and I jerk away. Don't touch me. You'll burn your hand.

Heero looks down, hands stuffed in pockets. Quatre walks up behind him and I feel like dying. Let me go. Don't say it, guys. Don't tell me what I think you're going to tell me.

"You need help, Trowa. You're killing yourself." That hurts. No, it kills. I've been told a lot of heartless things in my life and have managed to ignore them. Now, when I hear the first kind thing it breaks me in half. I'm a bastard. Stop fucking caring about me or I'll have to chop your head off. No one cares about me.

"I'm not," I say quietly, looking away. I'm not killing myself. I'm not doing it…am I?

"Then what do you call this?" Life; I call this sappy existence life. It smacks you in the face but at least you know it's there. Overcome your problems. Conquer your grief. Move on. That's what life is. So, what I'm doing is existence. I just exist. That's all this really is. Emotions, love, hatred—that stuff is all part of the great thing called life. Once you remove yourself from that, what's left? Nothing; emptiness; lack of whatever. That's just the way it is.

Please, I don't want to be him. I don't want to look into the mirrors anymore. Can't you see they tear me apart? I'm dying and you guys don't even notice. I need help. I need forgiveness. I hate this fucking feeling inside that slits my throat and drains my blood. It sucks away every emotion I ever owned. I'm thoughtless without purpose and without need.

I'm lost. I hate this new vulnerability about me. I'm tough, remember? I'm okay. Nothing's wrong with me. Quatre, stop crying. Buck up, okay? I'm all right. There's nothing wrong. Duo, why are you looking at me with betrayal in your eyes? I didn't betray you. I didn't do anything to you. I did it to me, and you never cared about that. Nothing's different. Stop it.

Everything's swirling. I can't take this. Let me die alone. One more injection, that's all I need. Just one more and it'll all be over. No one will miss me. My sister—I've never met her. Dr. J just told me there was a possibility she existed. Great, well, she'll never know her brother; her nonexistent brother who doesn't give a fuck. One more injection—just let me have it, please. I can't take the blurriness anymore. I don't know who I am or what I've done. I've done nothing wrong. I just followed orders.

What orders? The orders that told you to waste your life and throw it down the drain? Are those the orders you're talking about? Stupid Trowa, don't you get it? You don't matter anymore. This isn't your game. You're not the savior of the world. You're not even saving yourself. Stop it. Just shut up, okay? I don't need to hear you too. I'm not in the mood to play your game. Don't roll the dice because I'm definitely not in the mood to place a bet.

I catch my breath and look away. Make the world stop spinning, God. It hurts to know I may never get another chance at this game. Life isn't a mind game—it's hell. It's absolute hell and the drugs rule over it. My head hurts so badly. What's going on? Why do I taste blood in my mouth? I'm screaming. Please, guys, help me. I need your help now. What's going on? Why is there someone laughing? I don't see anyone. I can barely open my eyes. What's going on?

"Mission accepted." "I've been a soldier all my life." "How long do you plan to wear that mask that never cries?" Forever, Miidi, I plan to wear it forever. Soldiers don't cry. The tears will burn my cheeks and rip my flesh. What will be left without my outer shell? I'm empty inside. I don't have enough tears in me to cry.

"Trowa, answer me! Trowa, come on, buddy! What's going on?" I don't know, Duo. I told you. I don't know what's going on. Why can't you hear me? I'm talking to you. Don't turn away. I haven't done anything wrong. Asshole, don't you get it?! You're not supposed to care! If I died, you'd be okay! You'd be able to go on with your life! Stop acting so surprised! We knew the fucking risks! We knew what was supposed to happen!

"What's going on, Trowa? What's going on?"

I've been a soldier all of my life.

And then I wake up.