The Metamorphosis of a Nemesis
Chapter Two
In which people start pairing up randomly, things get slashy in the boys' dorm, Draco suddenly morphs into a stoner, Snape worries the students will find out he's a PERV, and Zelda walks on the wrong side of the hallway.
It was the first day of class. Hermione woke up early and decided to write a 5-foot essay on what she hoped to learn this year, just for fun. She glanced over at Lavender's bed, and noticed it was empty. Hermione was momentarily grossed out at the thought of Lavender sleeping down in the Slytherin dungeons with Crabbe, but then she looked at Parvati's bed and saw the two Gryffindors sleeping in a jumble of limbs and frilly pajamas. So that's what that noise was last night, Hermione thought. Good thing I just ignored all the shrieking, although if you think about it, why would anyone ignore loud noises like that when there's an evil wizard on the loose who probably wants to kill you...? Oh well, best not to dwell on it. She did her best to get dressed quietly. As she started to head down to breakfast, an evil thought occurred to her. She cleared her throat as dramatically and loudly as possible, then gasped in pretend shock when Lavender and Parvati both awoke with a start and jumped out of bed. As Hermione ran down the hall, snickering, Lavender was rapidly failing to explain the situation. "I was just ... um... and she had a nightmare... and we... oh, Merlin's toenails."
Hermione made her second dramatic entrance of the day by bursting into the seventh year boys' room and bouncing on top of the sleeping form of Harry. He groggily moaned and attempted to push her off. "Wake up, you big lug, let's go to breakfast."
Harry of course could not fathom anyone being so excited about anything so early in the morning, and was less than thrilled to face the beginning of the school year. Hermione was tickling him as Ron walked into the room carrying a bundle of sheets. He looked guiltily at his two friends as he casually dumped them on his stripped down bed and sat down at his desk. Harry got up and patted him knowingly on the back. "It's okay Ron, it happens to all young men. Did you have that special kind of dream about Zelda?"
"Um, what?" asked Ron, a little too cheerfully. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Oh, Ron. There comes a time in the life of each young man when he begins to have a special kind of dream. You know. DIRTY ones. Although I'm a bit disturbed that you're seventeen and not aware of this. But anyways, what happens is…"
"Harry?" came Neville's voice from the other side of the room. "Do you mind if I sit in on this one too? Hardly anyone posts dirty fics about me, because I am so innocent. I'm so ashamed. And all the SEX books are in the restricted section."
"Of course Neville, get over here and join us!"
Dean piped in, "I've got a few questions of my own", and strode purposefully over. Seamus didn't even pretend to have an excuse; he just didn't want to be left out.
Harry began again. "Now, when a man has a special kind of thought, he gets a special kind of feeling in his special area... well, here, let me show you." The gathering deteriorated with lightening speed into a slashy mess of boys, with Harry's bed straining under the weight. Hermione escaped while she still had the chance.
For breakfast, she helped herself to some beans on toast and Guinness, or whatever the hell British people have for breakfast. As she sipped her Earl Grey, she was jostled from behind. "Heyyyyyyy, what's up, man?" said a leisurely drawl. Draco Malfoy was standing behind Hermione with an big grin on his face. "Mind if I sit here?" he asked, sitting down and helping himself to a large plate of Cheetos.
"Draco, what are you doing?" demanded Hermione. "You can't sit here!"
Draco managed to look surprised and incredibly mellow at the same time. "Huh?" he asked, Cheetos crumbs spilling on his tie-dyed Grateful Dead t-shirt. "Oh yeah. Nhahahaaaaaa, I totally forgot! Woah… But thanks for the Cheetos, dude. Peace!" Draco adjusted his purple John Lennon sunglasses and his hemp necklace before carefully carrying his Cheetos over to the Slytherin table.
Just as Hermione was recovering from the sight of stoner!Draco, she was joined by someone else. At first she had to look away because of the blinding light that was emanating from the seat next to her. "Oh great. Must be Zelda," she thought with a groan.
Zelda flashed a sparkling smile and said, "Hermione, right? Pleased to meet you."
"The pleasure's all mine." Hermione grumbled. Everyone was staring at them, especially the boys, except Draco who was intently studying the floating candles in the Great Hall and laughing intermittently. Hermione had a good idea of what would happen today. Zelda would be in all her classes, and be just as smart, if not smarter than her. Everyone would fawn over her and Hermione would be forced to lose her breakfast in a most violent manner.
Hermione watched as Zelda served up her breakfast. She put a thin slice of cantaloupe on her plate and poured something from a flask into a goblet, then took a polite sip.
"Not much of a meal there, Zelda," Hermione pointed out, as the content-looking group of seventh year Gryffindor boys sat down to join them, fresh from their slash adventures on Harry's bed.
"Oh, I'm on a diet. I can only eat 42 calories per meal, and I have to drink this special potion all day, because I was cryogenically frozen for thousands of years." said Zelda cheerfully as she took another sip.
Ron gazed googly-eyed as though it were the most fascinating thing anyone had ever said. Neville blushed and tried to hide behind the large platter of fried tomatoes. Dean and Seamus beat each other up in their effort to be the one who got to sit next to her. Only Harry seemed to be able to ignore Zelda, concentrating instead on simultaneously smiling at every single male at the Hufflepuff table. Hermione just stared at them. "What's the deal?" she muttered. "Zelda is a FEMALE. I thought all these guys were all just involved in a slash-fest upstairs."
Breakfast was over too quickly for Zelda's new fan club, because they wanted to stare at her all day, but not quickly enough for Hermione, who felt as though her eyes may become permanently rolled up into her head.
"Oh, Hermione, what's your first class? I have Potions now!", announced Zelda, delighted with herself. Hermione didn't even have to look at her schedule to know that she had this and EVERY OTHER class with Zelda. She sighed and said glumly, "How about that, so do I."
"Let's walk down together, shall we? Ron's going to carry my books. And Neville and Dean are going to carry ME."
Hermione just gave in and walked dejectedly next to the chattering, beautiful, PERFECT Head Girl, who by the way was wearing a set of soft blue robes to match the pastel ribbons in her hair, and to set off the diamond-like sparkling of her fiery orange eyes. They arrived at the potions classroom right on time, because just after they had taken their seats, Snape stalked dramatically into the room. "Potter!" he barked, "five ingredients that go into the Moleculus Drapilious potion!"
Harry stuttered, "I-I-I'm afraid I don't know that one, sir."
Snape smiled nastily. "Of course you don't. I just made it up. You should have known that! One JILLION points from Gryffindor!" He glared at the room, daring someone to challenge him, when his gaze fell upon Zelda. His eyes widened, then narrowed, then widened again. He was having trouble with his contact lenses. She took the opportunity to state, "I knew that one, Professor!" and everyone around her nodded appreciatively, including the Slytherins, except Draco who was still stoned, and staring at the bubbling beakers at the front of the room and laughing intermittently.
"Why Zelda," purred Snape, "You are simply a delight to have in my class. Maybe you can teach these MORONS a thing or two." He reached down to pat her on the head, and distractedly said, "Today we'll be preparing the difficult potion of .. um...Optimus Prime..." he trailed off, distracted by the softness of Zelda's hair. She motioned for him to come closer and whispered something in his ear. "Oh! I mean, ahem, of course, we'll be making a potion that causes the drinker to appear as though they dressed as an obnoxious TOURIST. The reason for this potion is so the drinker can blend into any city in the world. So, you can see, it's very useful. Yes, Zelda? You have a question?" he asked as he prepared the students' ingredients on the front table.
"Sir," she simpered, "I've seen this potion in use before. I was visiting a cathedral in Rome in a fanfic called "Roman Holiday". And I saw YOU all dressed up in a sleazy Eurotrash outfit."
Snape accidentally knocked a flask onto the ground, and it hit with a soft clunk. He grimaced at this, because he wanted to be more DRAMATIC than that. He replaced the flask on the table, then with a sweeping gesture, knocked every single flask, beaker, and bottle onto the floor. Satisfied with himself, he then remembered to look dismayed. He didn't want Zelda to tell all the students about his torrid affair with Hermione in "Roman Holiday". And of course Hermione was shocked too, because she didn't want everyone to know she had screwed around with both Snape and Draco in the same day.
"Zelda, now is not the time NOR the place!" he shouted. And then leaned over and whispered, "but don't worry, you're still my favorite student." Snape shot a quick glance at Hermione, who was shooting a quick glance at Draco, who was shooting a not-very-quick, in fact quite STONED and drawn out look at the pot leaf he was carving into the work table. Snape didn't want anyone to find out about their escapades in Rome, but little did he know that practically everyone in the room had read that fic already and discussed it at great length in their Analyzing Dirty Fanfiction class last year.
Since all the materials for the potion were laying on the floor, broken, Snape got more from the back room, and just about everyone brewed a perfect Optimus Prime potion with the help of Zelda. Everyone successfully morphed themselves into TOURISTS. When they tested the potions at the end of class, Goyle turned into an American with white sneakers and a loud Hawaiian shirt, and even Neville looked like a tight-pants-and-sweater wearing Frenchman as he smoked his cigarette and tried to look deep. The only people who didn't succeed were the gothic first year Slytherins who just looked more punk, if that were even possible. Instead of brewing the potion they had spent the hour applying black lipstick and trying to transfigure their cauldron into a leather-studded dog collar. They had accidentally gotten into seventh year potions by impressing Snape with their all-black fashions.
Snape dismissed the class, but only after taking a SKILLION MORE points from Gryffindor and giving them to Zelda. It was kind of pointless, because she wasn't even in a house, but she gave the points to Ron secretly because she felt bad, and wanted everyone to like her. She exited the room with a swish of her smart-looking tourist outfit. Hermione watched as she plowed through the WRONG SIDE of the hallway. Of course Zelda walks on the opposite side of the hall. She needs to be able to be noticed, not to mention run into everyone and rub her perfect body all over them, Hermione thought disgustedly. She threw a glance backwards into the room and noticed Snape roughly shaking Draco, trying to rouse him from his drug-induced stupor.
After Hermione left the scene naturally developed into hot (on the part of Snape) and giggly (on the part of a very STONED Draco) slash, but you knew that already.