Chapter-5
Here you go Delena-Lovers, as promised I am back with the next chapter of 'The Things he Felt while she was Gone!' Sorry for the Delay.
Do check out my other stories : 1. Misery Loves Company 2. I found something to live for 3. The Things He Felt While She Was Gone (will update this soon) 4. The First Time I Knew
Disclaimer: I don't own any rights to the Vampire Diaries. Shows, books, characters. I am just a writer who happens to love Damon and Elena and likes to add a little to their story.
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Damon is filled with angst here and is about to do the one thing he promised Elena he wouldn't. Read out his last words according to me when he is there by her coffin.
Enjoy!
(This chapter happens after the huntress is gone is season 7 and Damon is about to dessicate himself beside Elena)
Dear Elena,
So I am here, right next to your coffin in some stockyard in NYC and trust me, I haven't been at this ease in a long time. I never thought that anticipating a few decades long standstill could bring me so much peace but then again, if that meant, looking up at your smiling face, though I'll be starving and raving for blood that day, I can't wait to open my eyes to the sight of you!
I am here holding your hand while writing this and believe me Elena, I don't feel like I am giving up anything, but instead, cutting short the distance between now and then.
Everything is right and good, everyone is alive and well, well, except for the huntress, I don't know her fate but I am sure pottery and ikebana classes will not make it on her daily routine.
Anyway, she's not going to be a problem anymore, so all's well. Stefan's pissed and rightfully so, I didn't have it in me to tell Bonnie and Ric a goodbye to their faces so I just left them letters.
I know I know, a pretty shitty thing to do, given I am about to do an even bigger shitty thing, but Elena, I can't face them! Ric may be distracted to kick my ass but Bonnie might be full on the witchy-mode and I don't wanna see a pissed of witch before I retreat to my coffin to hibernate.
She was at the armory when I gave her the slip, she knows what I am about to do possibly by now and gosh the woman can definitely win a competition for most expletives thrown in a minute if they ever hold such a thing!
It's strange how the entire world is oblivious to our own, supernatural hell and goes on like nothing bad could ever touch them, even though their lives could be as hellish as ours!
Kai told me something that day in the hospital, the day he cast the damn spell on you. He was trying to rile me up to go and kill Bonnie, saying all these marvelously callous things about how I'd feel having to wake up every day without you in my arms and I can't get rid of that statement in his very voice.
It was hell. As previously stated on multiple occasions by yours truly, waking up without you in my arms, every day, for all those days, was hell! Just when we dare to be a little happy the universe seems to yell in the background saying, gotcha! Not so soon children, the game is a long-con so hold tight, it's my turn now!
Can you believe that we went to war with original hybrids and vampires, got over our frivolous, sire-bond thing, defeated those travelers, you got over your amnesia and still, a nasty little psychopath managed to ruin us!
Well, look here what we got! I am becoming mopey and broody! You can't share these details with anyone when we wake up and I promise to give you that impending mind-blowing night!
Oh wait, I already delivered but never mind, for you my darling, we'll have a repeat telecast! God I so wish you were here to roll your eyes at that and chide me in that infamous Damon-specific tone that you use for me. You know, the one with a mix of exasperation but with an undertone of unconditional love and a secret hint of how am I in love with this vain, egotistical idiot? Yup, exactly that one!
You know how you'd try to pry out the details of my off-switch phase, being the nosy Gilbert that you are and I'd be all cagey and vague and deflect? Well guess what, I am in the mood for some nostalgia so I'll indulge you now.
Now, because you can't see me or hear me and study my reactions like you are so accustomed to. So, before I start with one of my dark revelations, I wanted to make a confession.
I shouldn't have killed Lexi. It's too bad there wasn't a ring for the Supernaturals to comeback from deaths at the hands of supernatural psychopaths, but ya.
No specific reason for this confession, just reminiscing on the various ways I've disappointed my brother, tonight included.
So here's the story, during my off-switch phase and what a phase that was! Almost 5 decades of horrific bad-deeds and devil-may-care attitude later, I found you. Well, that's not the story part but I can't seem to get there.
I promised a story and here it is. Did I ever tell you how grateful I am that it wasn't some dumb-ass pedestrian and you who I happened to cross paths with, the night we first met? No? Ok, well, very!
I am very grateful that I happened to cross paths with you that night. Ya I'm deflecting again. I just can't get myself to write all the gruesome things I did during that time, even though I know you'd forgive me and not be repulsed by my monstrous tasks but I can't do it.
Every time I recall that phase I jump into that pattern of me not being deserving of you and there is nothing more true than that but I don't wanna think like that, because then, then I just, I wanna push you away and I can't push you away and I feel, just, stuck!
You are literally the best thing that's happened to me Elena and I can't say this enough. It is times like these when I feel like the universe revels in messing with me because you always seem so out of reach! We, always seem so out of reach and I drive myself crazy thinking about all the possible ways the universe will plan our separation and in such inspired ways that I might lose the fight forever.
I can't lose the fight, not without you beside me, not without your adorable oh so annoying optimism, to keep me going! That's why, I have to do this.
I have to leave the world behind where Elena Gilbert is not my voice of reason. I told you once that when I saw Lexi again after all those decades, the floodgates opened, the dam broke and I, well, I was me, I ran!
But back then, I had nothing to come back to, no one to scrape out any remaining shreds of my humanity for! So I ran.
I feel like I am always running, when you are not by my side. I stop, breathe, feel, care, for you! You make me want to hold on to my humanity, you make me want to do the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing. Scratch that, I only feel like doing the right thing, for you!
Did you know, that time flies faster when you are happy? Because I didn't! Also, because I was so unfamiliar with the feeling itself that I had an entirely different calculation of time. It's a fickle damn thing!
You know how I know that? Because the last three years seem to have gone faster than the previous 148. Damn those Nicholas Sparks books and the mushy lovey-dovey stories that Blondie so grudgingly shared with me.
Well, a guy gotta spend his time doing something worthwhile, so I have been hounding Caroline's book-shelf lately!
You know when you are returning from battles with heretics and relentless huntresses, you have all this adrenaline pumped up and no way to sleep peacefully with all that excitement!
Ok, to be true, it's not a secret that I miss you and falling asleep next to you every night, so something's gotta drink up the void!
I get these dreams at night, you know, with you and a little family, a couple of rug-rats running around the parlour of the boarding house. I never thought it was a possibility, to have that until the cure entered our lives again and I decided I wanted it.
Stefan asked me a few weeks ago, after we had gotten into a scuffle with that replica of our abusive-father-type-being Julian. He asked if I was afraid to turn out like our father, as in, a father, like our father!
It was only the second time since I thought about it after our fantasy-five-year game. Well, that very night I saw it for the first time, the contentment of coming home to a family that awaits your presence like you are the missing piece and you, darling, are the glue.
They always end up badly though, with you slipping away in some way and then, all black, nothing, nada, and then, well I wake up!
I don't wanna wake up another morning without your beautiful face in light! To be honest, I can't wait to have that life with you, a human life, filled with mundane atrocities that you so gladly take up with a smile!
I learned I wouldn't mind that, I want that more than ever and to think that I still have decades to go without it, I come up all blank. I didn't know that I craved that normal, until it was a possibility!
Years of denial and bloodsucking can do that to you!
I have to do this Tesoro, I have to go to sleep. I never thought I'd be one to keep a journal, but it shockingly helps! This is the closest I can come to communicating with you, although if we think about it, it'll reach you after decades so it's more like time-travel, remote communication? Is that a thing?
Anyway, it's the closest thing so whatever, I surmised I should gulp down that pride and write. Writing to you, not just because it feels like talking to you, but it is fun predicting your probable reactions and the very exquisite eye-rolls that you save for me!
Every word I write, I imagine your beautiful face, either angry? Happy? Sad? Disgusted? But most of all, acceptance for your crazy vampire!
I have some debates in mind that I always wanted resolved, you know, like nature v/s nurture, free will v/s determinism, God or no God? And now look, I have all the time in the world to provide the world with convincing conclusions!
I plan to do my best! I plan to use the provided time wisely, given I am conscious enough to do so, but hey, what is life without a little risk?
I've been on this Earth for a long time Elena, I have seen a lot of bloodshed, guilt, helplessness, human torment and agony, the switch! Everything. I never thought anything was left, no happiness, just the futility of our existence! And then I met you. You are literally light personified and you made me see happiness when all I thought was left to be felt, was in fact, pain and loneliness.
Not in my 150 years as a Vampire could I ruminate on the possibility of the normalcy of a family-life. Then with you, it became a possibility, that was a distant dream and snatched away from us again and all that is left now with me Tesoro is pain and loneliness, once again.
When Caroline being her opposite of her very sanctimonious self, tortured you with the fact that I could never give you the life you always wanted, my heart sank at the realization, that I very well can and the first thought that struck me was that I was gonna lose you for the umpteenth time and I couldn't do shit about it! Only, to realize, I could!
I could have that life with you and all I ever wanted since the moment I saw you was it! I am gonna wake up to that life with you now. Good night baby.
I love you, forever.
Damon.
_
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Nera here!