The Metamorphosis of a Nemesis

Chapter Four

In which Draco becomes extremely EVIL and Zelda acts quite un-British.

At lunch the next week, Hermione sat down as Ginny was excitedly whispering to Harry, "...and I heard she's part Mermaid too!" Noticing Hermione, Ginny gushed, "Oh, 'Mione, she's just the greatest. If it weren't for her, I'd be failing Charms.  And I wouldn't be learning all these important facts about becoming a woman, like how much eyeliner to use and how to pick out the cutest pairs of shoes!"

"I can only assume you're talking about Zelda," grumbled Hermione. She was beginning to think there was something up with that girl. She didn't seem very British.  There had been numerous occasions where something didn't seem quite right.  Like the fact that Zelda REFUSED to drink tea, ever.  And she didn't laugh at Hermione's Knights of Ni joke from the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Hermione knew she could never mention this to anyone.  Because even the thought of Zelda being LESS than PERFECT caused all Hogwarts students, except her, to become very defensive and sullen. Even Ron's slightly embarrassing sex escapade with her only made him to respect her more. So Hermione just kept it to herself.

I certainly don't want to be called jealous again, she thought as she watched Draco stalk haughtily into the Great Hall. Draco. Now there's another boy with some serious issues. On the way to the Slytherin table he tripped a Ravenclaw third-year, kneed a first-year in the groin, and sent up the Dark Mark. After his stint as a pot-smoking half-wit, he had suddenly morphed into the EVILEST of the evil. He took pleasure in torturing small animals and was suspected to be responsible for several break-ins at Gringotts, devil-worshipping, vandalism, and more than one count of littering on school grounds.

As Hermione pondered this, everyone else was welcoming Zelda to their table. Even though she could sit at any table since she belonged to all the houses, she almost always sat with the famous gang of Gryffindors. "G'day mates!" she called cheerfully. Everyone laughed uproariously except Hermione who narrowed her eyes and suddenly remembered somewhere else she had to be. "See you in class!" chirped Zelda as Hermione gathered up her things.

A commotion over at the Slytherin table got everyone's attention. Draco had KILLED one of the undeserving first-year goth boys and was laughing in a mad-scientist fashion while holding the bloody knife high in the air.

Yeah, something is definitely not right with him, thought Hermione as she headed to the library.

That afternoon, Charms class passed rather uneventfully. Hermione had become accustomed to Zelda knowing all the answers, getting all the praise, and out-teachers-petting her by yards (I mean meters). It wasn't so bad, because Hermione still did all the work and extra credit, and was still enjoying the class.  But occasionally she noticed Zelda was being incredibly patronizing and allowing her to give the correct answer or have the attention of the professor for five whole seconds. Whatever, thought Hermione. The author is starting to give crappy hints to Zelda's major character flaw.  So this obviously isn't going to last bloody long.

As class ended, Zelda was finishing up her extra-credit speech on Erasing charms. "...so like I said, that charm can be used to CHANGE YOUR ANSWER on a test once you've already left the room. Arrrrrrrrrrrr, matey!"

Flitwick beamed, even though Zelda had just given everyone a way to cheat on tests. The rest of the class was furiously copying down notes and didn't notice the inexplicable pirate ending to Zelda's presentation, but Hermione had, and thought "case in point!", as she got up from her seat.

She happened to glance over to where Draco was sitting and noticed him lording over a very DEAD Pansy Parkinson, having just delivered the killing curse.  Flitwick was too enthralled with Zelda to notice.

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Later that evening, Hermione was idly finishing her homework, and speculating on Zelda's weird non-British behaviors. I bet she's really a ROBOT. Crookshanks meowed pitifully from his corner, because he had been ignored by the story so far. Well, there's one way to find out more..

Even though it was a muggle device and should have BLOWN UP ages ago because of the special wards on the school, Hermione had a radio. It was a special sort of radio that only had one station. Plot-specific programming. It would only broadcast news items that helped to further the plot. It was quite a handy little thing. Hermione flipped it on just in time to hear "...and in conclusion of our nine-hour documentary on the founders of Hogwarts, they all hated each other and would NEVER have spent five SECONDS in a room together, much less enough time to create some sort of irritating MAGICAL CHILD. And in other Hogwarts news, Professor Snape is currently lying in the hallway outside the kitchen, possibly bleeding to death..." Hermione snapped it off. Oh, no! Not Professor Snape! I have a secret crush on him. She ran out of her dorm room and into the common room.

"Quick, who knows where the kitchen is!?" Hermione was spazzing out. Ron, Harry, and Zelda looked up from their three-way chess game. Zelda knew, of course.

"Right, you just, um, nip up the weckershams," said Zelda apprehensively. Hermione furrowed her brow. "Then you, er, pop 'round the gorn and scumbles, and Jack's a donut, there you are!"

"Jack's a donut?  Don't you mean 'Bob's your uncle'?"

Zelda looked shifty.  "Um, right.  Here, I'll just show you the way."

"Okay, but hurry!"

Zelda and Hermione ran out of the portrait hole, closely followed by Zelda's PETS, Harry and Ron. They all headed down a staircase, through a dark hallway, and down another staircase.

"ARrrrgh!" cried Harry "I'm sensing DANGER!"

Everyone skidded to a halt and stared at him.

"No.  No, wait, false alarm.  I was just sensing MILDEW.  Sorry.  Sorry everyone!"

They continued running. The group burst around a corner to see Professor Snape lying in a pool of blood. Hermione gasped and ran to his side. "Oh, Professor! Who did this to you? Was it Voldemort and the one million Cruciatus curses he gives you every week?"

Snape looked up and said, weakly. "No.. it was... it was Draco. He stabbed me when I told him he couldn't SACRIFICE A GOAT in the Slytherin common room. He.. he escaped into the kitchen." Snape pointed to the door.

With a determined look on her face, Hermione left Snape bleeding in the hallway, because she knew it would be more SEXY if she got to heal him privately in his quarters.  Lord knows he wasn't capable of healing HIMSELF despite being 37 and an expert wizard. She ran bullheaded into the kitchen just in time to see Draco bite the head off a live chicken and chew it EVILLY.

"Draco, that's disgusting," she said, as blood ran down his chin. "I bet that doesn't even taste good."

For no reason at all, Zelda piped in with "Here, you can wrap the leftovers in this aluminum."

Hermione gasped. Harry looked at her quizzically. Exasperatedly, Hermione pointed out, "She said a-LUM-i-num instead of a-lu-MIN-i-um. Like an AMERICAN would, instead of a British person.  You just couldn't tell because the author forgot to add the emphasis."

Harry just patted her back condescendingly. "It's okay 'Mione. We all know you're just jealous of Zelda.  You don't have to start making stuff up about her having an American accent."

Hermione looked at him like he had grown another head. Because Ron had put a hex on him and he actually HAD grown another head. She was going to yell at him that she was NOT jealous, but thought better of it and snapped her mouth shut. She just shook her head and went back out to the hallway, where Professor Snape was bleeding SEXILY.