The Metamorphosis of a Nemesis

Chapter Five

In which there are more random pairings, Draco becomes a Frat Boy and hosts a barbeque, and Zelda & Crabbe narrowly escape DEATH in the lake.

"Harry. Hey, Harry. Wake up. I think there's someone knocking."

Harry rolled over and looked at the clock. It was noon. Thank god it was Saturday. He grumbled, "Come in..."

"Harry, why aren't you up yet.... oh! I'm sorry, I didn't realize you weren't alone." Hermione shook her head. What was up with people just sleeping with others right in front of their roommates? I suppose it's not out of the ordinary here since we've all pretty much done each other already. She took another look at Harry's white-haired bed partner. Is that... OLLIVANDER? The wand guy? Who's like 200 years old? Indeed it was. He gave Hermione a disgusting dirty old man smile. Um, yuck? she thought to herself. She was as big of a fan of slash as the next girl, but lines occasionally had to be drawn, in her mind.

But back to the task at hand.

"Harry, I just wanted to know if you were going to the barbeque this afternoon," she said, trying not to look directly at the bed.

"A barbeque? Who's great idea was that?"

"Well, apparently the Slytherins organized it. So we'll most likely all get the magical equivalent to the E.coli bacteria.  But I thought it might be interesting to check it out."

"Hmmmm," pondered Harry. "How about it, my little lamby Ollivander? Are you up for a cookout today?"

"I'll show you a cookout.." said Ollivander sexily. Hermione shuddered visibly, and knew she would be taking a long, scalding hot shower with plenty of soap to wash the feeling of disgust off. She had obviously been forgotten, since the two boys.. that is, men... er, males! The two males were engrossed in each other, and Ollivander appeared to be reaching for a can of Spam sitting on the nightstand. Hermione fled from the room.

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Later on, outside, the barbeque was really getting going. The smell of charred animal flesh was drifting lazily through the air. Draco and his sidekicks had gotten a couple kegs of beer and were charging 14 sickles and 3 knuts for a red plastic cup and all the beer you could drink. Only the 18-year-olds were allowed to booze it up, as that is the drinking age in England.  Everyone younger had to stick with butterbeer, or as a special Muggle treat, soda. Colin Creevy had already had 27 cans of Pepsi and was experiencing the sugar rush of a lifetime. The older students were enjoying the party too. In fact most were trashed already as a result of the beer bong that Malfoy had transfigured from a piece of tubing and a funnel. There had also been some keg stands, the most impressive being McGonagall's.

Ginny and Zelda were standing together.  Ginny scanned the students and faculty congregated on the school grounds. She couldn't pick out Harry, Ron, or Hermione. "I don't see them. Do you?"

Zelda shook her head. "But, as I was saying, after my brother and I saved the child from the burning building, we built an entire hospital and then sewed new clothes for the homeless. All in one weekend!"

Ginny looked at Mary Sue in surprise. "You have a brother?" I bet he's hot, and perfect just like her. Oh, if only I could meet him. I live for the attention of boys!

"Yeah, his name is Gary and he's my best friend in the whole world! Besides everyone at Hogwarts, that is. In fact, we were given a special medal of honor by the president because we are just so perfect."

"The president?  Of what?" Ginny asked.

"OH! I mean, not the president. The.... guy. You know, that person in charge of the country. What is it called again? Oh yeah, the Prime Minister." Zelda looked pleased with herself for correcting her mistake so unnoticeably.

"Oh, there's Hermione and my brother. Oi! Ron! Hermione! Over here!" shouted Ginny.

"Hey, Zelda!" Ron was all worked up. "Did you hear? Draco organized a buffalo-wing-eating contest and I TOTALLY kicked ass! WOOOOOOOOOOO!" Apparently Ron was drunk as well. But Hermione wasn't. She was incredibly wary this whole barbeque, especially Draco and his most recent metamorphosis. He was now sporting a backwards white baseball cap and a grey T-shirt reading "PROPERTY OF COLORADO STATE UNIVERSITY" across the front. He had supplied the beer, started a food fight, and was currently on his seventh hotdog of the afternoon. At least now he was eating cooked meat. Hermione watched as Draco guffawed loudly at something Dumbledore had just said, and proceeded to pat the old wizard on the rear end.

Suddenly, there was a loud noise! Everyone looked up in surprise (some people looked up rather slowly because the beer had kicked in) and saw that Peeves had knocked over one of the Quidditch flagpoles. He had accidentally WALKED THROUGH one of the kegs, and was as blasted as a transparent ghost could get. He had also transfigured the flags on the field to have naughty words on them, but the best he could come up with was "FECK", "ARSE", and not surprisingly, "DRINK". These hilarious new flags caused the Slytherins to cheer in an obnoxious manner. Draco high-fived Millicent Bulstrode.

Suddenly, there was ANOTHER loud noise! Everyone looked up in surprise, AGAIN, because they were all very EASILY surprised. Crabbe had fallen off the dock, and into the lake. At first people just laughed, because slapstick humor is so funny, but Goyle knew that Crabbe couldn't swim. You see, Goyle was secretly in love with Crabbe, and knew everything about him.  There were only bubbles at the spot he had disappeared, and no sign of the grunting beast himself.

Lavender shrieked. She was in love with Crabbe too, and didn't wan't him to die.  Dumbledore was passed out. Things didn't look good for Crabbe. NO ONE knew how to swim, or at least had temporarily forgotten. But Ginny remembered the rumor about Zelda from Chapter 4.

"Zelda can save him! She's part MERMAID!" Everyone else quickly remembered that they, too, had heard that rumor.  Except for Ernie MacMillan who had heard that she was 100% recycled plastic. They all looked hopefully at Mary Sue, who had suddenly become very busy picking invisible pieces of dust off her robes. She looked up.

"What?" she asked innocently.

"Thank Merlin! Mary Sue's going to save my boyfriend!" Lavender and Goyle both stopped at the same time. "Ummmmm....." said Goyle.

Chants of "ZEL-DA!  ZEL-DA!" went through the crowd and she was hustled over to the lake. "But, I don't have my... that is... the.. proper equipment.. and my er... lifesaving badge is up in my room ... and..." she stalled.

Hermione raised her eyebrows in anticipation as Goyle and Lavender hoisted Zelda up over the water and CHUCKED her in the lake.

"But I can't swim …bblllllggllll!"

Zelda sunk like a perfect, beautiful rock. Lucky for her, she really WAS part recycled plastic, because she had had a boob job. She floated back to the surface and bobbed up and down. People were PASSING OUT from surprise… or perhaps from drinking too much. Hermione just chuckled.

Zelda spluttered as Crabbe floated by on a piece of driftwood. He paddled weakly over to her and she grabbed on. "Promise me…" he forced out as he passed the wood to her and released it "... promise me you'll never let go…" Just like in Titanic.  Except he sunk about three inches and then his feet hit the bottom of the lake.

"Ummmmm." Crabbe looked from side to side, surprised that he wasn't drowning. HEROICALLY, he grabbed Zelda and the driftwood and walked them both to where it was shallow enough for her to touch too. As they emerged from the water he raised both fists in the air and shouted, "I'm king of the world! Woooo hoooo!", which caused the crowd to go absolutely nutty with their own cheers and Woo-hoos and one anonymous shout of "GO PACKERS!"

When the cheers died down, Zelda was still on the edge of the lake, coughing with her head in her hands. The crowd, which was becoming really used to ACTING IN UNISON, was concerned. They thought maybe she was worried about her clothes, because they were looking a bit murky and very wet. But Zelda was just trying to hide her face from everyone.

Hermione's mind went wild with the possibilities. Maybe she's a really a robot, or maybe she's half-squirrel! Maybe she really has a mullet! Maybe she looks just like Voldemort!

But she looked up slowly, and people started shouting and screaming....

"What the bloody HELL?"

"Merlin's BALLS!"

"Jack's a DONUT!"  That one was Ron.  Ginny glared at him. "What? I thought it was a funny line!"

It was a fate worse than death.  It was horrifying!

Actually, it was utterly, totally PREDICTABLE and actually somewhat dull.

Mary Sue was normal-looking!

"Ayieeeeee!" screamed Crabbe.  There was a leech on his leg.