The Ties That Bind
Chapter 9
Anakin sank down onto the bed in the room he'd been given, his head in his hands. Among strangers, Padmé tending to her own wounds with limited medical supplies, he felt alone, deserted. "Mom," he whispered softly, feeling his eyes burn.
"Anakin."
Padmé's voice was soft, uncertain.
He didn't lift his head as she came in and knelt in front of him, her hand gently lifting his face so she could look into his eyes, "What's wrong?"
"I miss her,"
Padmé's smile was soft, understanding, "I know. Don't torture yourself, Anakin, what you did... we all lose control sometimes."
"Jedi don't lose control!"
"You're human Anakin." Her voice was comforting as she stroked his face, looking into his eyes, "You're not perfect."
His gaze was hard, full of hatred, pain and regret, "I'm going to be a Jedi, I should be able to control myself."
She leaned into him, wrapping her arms around him as tears slipped down his face, "Oh Ani..."
He wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her neck, "Why is this so hard? Why can't I control this? Why do I feel so much hate?"
She stroked his hair, rocking him gently, "Get it out," she urged him softly, "Talk to me, let it out before it consumes you."
He shuddered in her grasp, and she felt his torment. She increased her hold on him, ducking her head next to his as his words continued, "How could I do that? What kind of a person am I to lose control so totally, what kind of Jedi will I make if control comes so hard?"
She continued to hold him, running her fingers through his hair as his words spilled over her, feeling the emotions beneath the surface of the words, hearing his unspoken plea, his fears. Finally he broke down completely, his strong shoulders shaking under her arms, and she pulled him from the bed.
Anakin folded into her, taking the comfort she offered and finding strength in it. She loved him. If nothing else mattered, that did. No matter how much he would miss his mother, Padmé would always be with him. She was in his heart, his mind, in his soul. Curled up in her arms, his face on her shoulder, Anakin started to reassert himself, to find himself again. Padmé was his life, without her he had no reason to live. Never again would he allow something, or someone, to harm her. He knew she heard his silent pledge, but wisely, held her tongue.
It was several hours before a pale looking Beru knocked on the door. Anakin was lying on the floor, his head in Padmé's lap, his breathing deep and even as she gently stroked his head. Padmé looked up, "Is it time?"
Beru shook her head, "No. The Suns are setting, Cliegg said to tell you we'll burry her in the morning."
Padmé smiled her thanks as Beru closed the thin door behind her. Padmé's gaze went back to Anakin. He was exhausted, his handsome face streaked with tears, his hand curled around one of her thighs. Even in sleep he held onto her somehow, almost as if he needed the anchor of her touch. Her smile was soft, sad. Anakin had lost so much in his life, so much pain and suffering, and somehow he strode forward. The answer was plain to her. Anakin loved her. He showed it in everything he did, everything he said. She was the only thing keeping him grounded, and a part of her was chilled by the thought. What would he do when the day came that she died? Silently, she vowed she would do anything to spare him the pain when her time finally came.
Anakin awoke in the darkness, disoriented. The floor was hard beneath his shoulder but his head was pillowed on something firm, yet soft. He blinked, reaching out to the Force. Padmé. She'd urged him to put his head in her lap as he spoke and at some point he must have fallen asleep! He could tell she was sleeping; her breathing was soft, even. Her legs had to be numb from the weight of his head. Pushing himself to his feet, Anakin gently lifted her in his arms and moved to place her on the bed.
Her arms slid around his neck unconsciously, taking him down with her. Careful not to place his weight on her, he lay next to her, holding her closely as she curled into his body. He smiled. She filled his arms, his heart, perfectly. Gently kissing her forehead, he lay down with her and closed his eyes. He'd deal with the universe come morning. For the moment, spent and exhausted, he was content to curl up with the Angel in his arms.
Morning came too quickly for the young couple, Beru knocking on their door with a hesitant rap, "Anakin?"
Anakin woke at the first sound, disoriented. Padmé was curled up against him, enfolded in his arms, her cheek pillowed against his chest. Where was he? "Yes?" his voice was hoarse, his throat raw.
"Cliegg asked me to wake you. We want to burry Shmi before the suns get too high."
Anakin's memories of the last few days came back in a rush. He closed his eyes, "Thank you, Beru."
There was no sound but Anakin sensed her departure. He turned his head to find Padmé watching him. "Are you alright?"
He shook his head no, his face betraying his pain, "So much has happened so fast," he told her softly, reaching up to brush a curl off her face, "It hasn't been a standard week, and I've fallen more than once. I'm lost, Padmé. I feel as if I'm adrift."
"Shhh," she cupped his face in her hand, looking deep into his expressive eyes, "I'm here, Anakin. When you feel lost, reach for me. I'll always be here, no matter the distance."
He ducked his head into the curve of her shoulder and hugged her tightly, "Never leave me, I think I'd die without you."
Silently she held him, hearing his unspoken plea, his desperation. Returning the strength of his grip, she closed her eyes, lending him silent support, and her unconditional love.
The suns were just climbing up the horizon as the small family lowered Shmi Skywalker-Lars into the grave, Anakin using his Force powers to slow her decent. His hold on his emotions was tenuous at best, making his grasp on the Force all that more dubious. Somehow, he managed to pull himself together enough to gently settle his mom into her grave and then aid in covering her. Finally, they stood back, gathering around the small grave in silence.
Cliegg had tears in his eyes, his voice hoarse, as he fought to find the right words. "Shmi, my darling, I know your life was never easy. When I found you, you brought happiness and warmth back into my life. You made us a family again. Thank you. Rest well, my wife."
He couldn't continue as Beru stepped forward awkwardly, "I didn't know you well, Shmi, but what I knew of you was your caring heart, always thinking of everyone but yourself." She brushed away a tear as Owen came up behind her and clasped her shoulder. She squeezed his hand, "I'll miss you. Wherever you are now, I hope you're happy."
She stepped back as Anakin stepped forward, kneeling beside the headstone and tracing the words written on it. "I'm sorry I couldn't save you, Mom," he said softly, tears filling his eyes as he spoke, "I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to keep you from dying." His voice dropped into a whisper, "I miss you." he placed his palm flat against the stone, "I love you mom. I swear to you, I will never fail again."
They watched in silence as he rose back to his feet, tears trailing down his cheeks as he stepped back. Padmé squeezed his hand in hers, offering her unspoken support. *I miss her, Angel."
*I know.*
He didn't look at her as the other three started to move away but Padmé and Anakin stayed where they were, his hand clutching hers in a death grip. She waited next to him, hearing his thoughts, and wisely stayed quiet as his head bowed. Slowly, she pulled on his hand and led him away from Shmi's grave. Anakin went with her, not looking, trusting her implicitly to guide him. His eyes were glazed, his view obstructed by tears and he couldn't have seen anything if he wanted to.
Padmé led him away from the homestead, back towards their ship, "I'll talk to the Jedi council," she told him softly as they walked, "you're in no condition to take your trials."
He shook his head, blinking the tears from his eyes, "No."
"Anakin..."
"No, Padmé. I have to do this now. If I don't..."
"If you don't, they can test you some other time. Anakin," she turned to him, looking into his tortured face, "if you take your trials now, how do you think you'll do? I know what you did, I understand why, but taking your trials now will only bring that back. It will only hurt you more. I don't want that."
"And what about you? By not taking my trials now, I may be separated from you again."
She smiled at him. "Nothing can take me from you now. If need be I'll go with you."
He was already shaking his head before she finished, "The council will never allow it."
"They will, and won't have much of a choice... I do have my own ship, you know."
They stepped into the shadow cast by the ship, Padmé heading for the hatch, "I have to be back on Naboo sometime today, I have to give a speech that will end my term as Queen. I know it's short notice but..."
Anakin nodded, "I know." he looked behind him, "I'll be back in a moment."
Padmé climbed into the ship and settled into co-pilot's seat as Anakin walked back to the homestead. He took a steadying breath before entering and stopped at the bottom of the stairs. "We have to leave," he told Cliegg, who was waiting for him, "thank you. For us, and for my mother."
Cliegg clasped his hand in a firm handshake, "You're both welcome to come back, son."
Anakin swallowed hard, "Thank you. Would you tell Beru and Owen for me?"
Cliegg nodded as Anakin turned on his heel and left the homestead. Several minutes later, the engines roared to life and the silver space ship sprang off the ground into the sky, heading for space and beyond.
Obi-Wan stepped into Sabé's chambers as the sun was coming up, going to sit on the edge of her bed. She was still sleeping, her hair spread out across her pillow like a soft, brown cloud. Her breathing was deep and even, her lips slightly parted. He couldn't resist the urge and reached over to gently caress her cheek. "Sabé."
She murmured softly, her face moving towards his hand. "Obi-Wan?"
"It's time to get up."
Her eyes opened and she froze, staring at him in shock. She grabbed her covers and pulled them up to her chin, blushing. "What are you doing in my room?"
"I have something I have to talk to you about."
"Again? Haven't you done enough damage?"
"Actually, I think you're the one doing the damage."
She blinked, surprised. "How so?"
"You've been hot and cold since Anakin left with the Queen, Sabé, and you're tearing me up inside. I'd like a simple explanation."
She stared at him before closing her eyes. "I don't have a simple explanation."
"You do. You know what my Jedi vows mean to me, yet you've been urging me to either break, or test the limits of them. I thought we were friends, Sabé."
"We are."
"Then why are you doing this to me?"
She couldn't answer as shame swept through her. He was right. She'd been throwing herself at him shamelessly since Padmé had left with Anakin. Since those two had been bonded, she'd simply wanted the same kind of tie for herself. She wanted to be with him, regardless of the cost. "I'm sorry." She opened her eyes to look at him, tears glittering on her lashes. "I didn't mean to hurt you, or confuse you. I just... I saw what Anakin and Padmé have and I wanted that for us." She pushed herself to her elbow, looking straight at him as she blinked away her tears. "I know you're a Jedi and I know what that means to you, but I don't know if I can only be your friend. It's not enough anymore."
Obi-Wan watched her steadily. "Would you rather I leave you alone?"
She sighed. "I don't know what I want anymore. I'm sorry I tried to trick you and I'm sorry I've been so difficult."
He cupped her face in one hand, allowing a smile to cross his lips. "I was starting to worry, you're usually so..."
"Steady?" she grimaced and pushed herself up so she was sitting against the headboard. "I'm sorry."
"No harm done. If... if it will make you happy I can ask permission of the council."
She blinked, wondering if she'd heard his hesitant question correctly. "Ask them what exactly?"
"Well, after so long as a Knight, we have to take a mate. Usually we're checked for compatibility against the other Jedi, but on rare occasions we can choose our own. That is..."
She held up one hand, silencing him. "You're serious?"
He nodded. "They're already here, and I can speak with them before Anakin and the Queen return."
"Why would you do this?"
"Because I don't like to see you like this. That and I'm afraid I've already broken the code by becoming attached to you. Besides, I'll be able to better advise Anakin in his relationship with the Queen if I'm in a similar situation."
She threw her arms around his neck, her heart bursting. "I love you, Jedi."
He hugged her back, kissing her cheek. "I know."
Chapter 9
Anakin sank down onto the bed in the room he'd been given, his head in his hands. Among strangers, Padmé tending to her own wounds with limited medical supplies, he felt alone, deserted. "Mom," he whispered softly, feeling his eyes burn.
"Anakin."
Padmé's voice was soft, uncertain.
He didn't lift his head as she came in and knelt in front of him, her hand gently lifting his face so she could look into his eyes, "What's wrong?"
"I miss her,"
Padmé's smile was soft, understanding, "I know. Don't torture yourself, Anakin, what you did... we all lose control sometimes."
"Jedi don't lose control!"
"You're human Anakin." Her voice was comforting as she stroked his face, looking into his eyes, "You're not perfect."
His gaze was hard, full of hatred, pain and regret, "I'm going to be a Jedi, I should be able to control myself."
She leaned into him, wrapping her arms around him as tears slipped down his face, "Oh Ani..."
He wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her neck, "Why is this so hard? Why can't I control this? Why do I feel so much hate?"
She stroked his hair, rocking him gently, "Get it out," she urged him softly, "Talk to me, let it out before it consumes you."
He shuddered in her grasp, and she felt his torment. She increased her hold on him, ducking her head next to his as his words continued, "How could I do that? What kind of a person am I to lose control so totally, what kind of Jedi will I make if control comes so hard?"
She continued to hold him, running her fingers through his hair as his words spilled over her, feeling the emotions beneath the surface of the words, hearing his unspoken plea, his fears. Finally he broke down completely, his strong shoulders shaking under her arms, and she pulled him from the bed.
Anakin folded into her, taking the comfort she offered and finding strength in it. She loved him. If nothing else mattered, that did. No matter how much he would miss his mother, Padmé would always be with him. She was in his heart, his mind, in his soul. Curled up in her arms, his face on her shoulder, Anakin started to reassert himself, to find himself again. Padmé was his life, without her he had no reason to live. Never again would he allow something, or someone, to harm her. He knew she heard his silent pledge, but wisely, held her tongue.
It was several hours before a pale looking Beru knocked on the door. Anakin was lying on the floor, his head in Padmé's lap, his breathing deep and even as she gently stroked his head. Padmé looked up, "Is it time?"
Beru shook her head, "No. The Suns are setting, Cliegg said to tell you we'll burry her in the morning."
Padmé smiled her thanks as Beru closed the thin door behind her. Padmé's gaze went back to Anakin. He was exhausted, his handsome face streaked with tears, his hand curled around one of her thighs. Even in sleep he held onto her somehow, almost as if he needed the anchor of her touch. Her smile was soft, sad. Anakin had lost so much in his life, so much pain and suffering, and somehow he strode forward. The answer was plain to her. Anakin loved her. He showed it in everything he did, everything he said. She was the only thing keeping him grounded, and a part of her was chilled by the thought. What would he do when the day came that she died? Silently, she vowed she would do anything to spare him the pain when her time finally came.
Anakin awoke in the darkness, disoriented. The floor was hard beneath his shoulder but his head was pillowed on something firm, yet soft. He blinked, reaching out to the Force. Padmé. She'd urged him to put his head in her lap as he spoke and at some point he must have fallen asleep! He could tell she was sleeping; her breathing was soft, even. Her legs had to be numb from the weight of his head. Pushing himself to his feet, Anakin gently lifted her in his arms and moved to place her on the bed.
Her arms slid around his neck unconsciously, taking him down with her. Careful not to place his weight on her, he lay next to her, holding her closely as she curled into his body. He smiled. She filled his arms, his heart, perfectly. Gently kissing her forehead, he lay down with her and closed his eyes. He'd deal with the universe come morning. For the moment, spent and exhausted, he was content to curl up with the Angel in his arms.
Morning came too quickly for the young couple, Beru knocking on their door with a hesitant rap, "Anakin?"
Anakin woke at the first sound, disoriented. Padmé was curled up against him, enfolded in his arms, her cheek pillowed against his chest. Where was he? "Yes?" his voice was hoarse, his throat raw.
"Cliegg asked me to wake you. We want to burry Shmi before the suns get too high."
Anakin's memories of the last few days came back in a rush. He closed his eyes, "Thank you, Beru."
There was no sound but Anakin sensed her departure. He turned his head to find Padmé watching him. "Are you alright?"
He shook his head no, his face betraying his pain, "So much has happened so fast," he told her softly, reaching up to brush a curl off her face, "It hasn't been a standard week, and I've fallen more than once. I'm lost, Padmé. I feel as if I'm adrift."
"Shhh," she cupped his face in her hand, looking deep into his expressive eyes, "I'm here, Anakin. When you feel lost, reach for me. I'll always be here, no matter the distance."
He ducked his head into the curve of her shoulder and hugged her tightly, "Never leave me, I think I'd die without you."
Silently she held him, hearing his unspoken plea, his desperation. Returning the strength of his grip, she closed her eyes, lending him silent support, and her unconditional love.
The suns were just climbing up the horizon as the small family lowered Shmi Skywalker-Lars into the grave, Anakin using his Force powers to slow her decent. His hold on his emotions was tenuous at best, making his grasp on the Force all that more dubious. Somehow, he managed to pull himself together enough to gently settle his mom into her grave and then aid in covering her. Finally, they stood back, gathering around the small grave in silence.
Cliegg had tears in his eyes, his voice hoarse, as he fought to find the right words. "Shmi, my darling, I know your life was never easy. When I found you, you brought happiness and warmth back into my life. You made us a family again. Thank you. Rest well, my wife."
He couldn't continue as Beru stepped forward awkwardly, "I didn't know you well, Shmi, but what I knew of you was your caring heart, always thinking of everyone but yourself." She brushed away a tear as Owen came up behind her and clasped her shoulder. She squeezed his hand, "I'll miss you. Wherever you are now, I hope you're happy."
She stepped back as Anakin stepped forward, kneeling beside the headstone and tracing the words written on it. "I'm sorry I couldn't save you, Mom," he said softly, tears filling his eyes as he spoke, "I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to keep you from dying." His voice dropped into a whisper, "I miss you." he placed his palm flat against the stone, "I love you mom. I swear to you, I will never fail again."
They watched in silence as he rose back to his feet, tears trailing down his cheeks as he stepped back. Padmé squeezed his hand in hers, offering her unspoken support. *I miss her, Angel."
*I know.*
He didn't look at her as the other three started to move away but Padmé and Anakin stayed where they were, his hand clutching hers in a death grip. She waited next to him, hearing his thoughts, and wisely stayed quiet as his head bowed. Slowly, she pulled on his hand and led him away from Shmi's grave. Anakin went with her, not looking, trusting her implicitly to guide him. His eyes were glazed, his view obstructed by tears and he couldn't have seen anything if he wanted to.
Padmé led him away from the homestead, back towards their ship, "I'll talk to the Jedi council," she told him softly as they walked, "you're in no condition to take your trials."
He shook his head, blinking the tears from his eyes, "No."
"Anakin..."
"No, Padmé. I have to do this now. If I don't..."
"If you don't, they can test you some other time. Anakin," she turned to him, looking into his tortured face, "if you take your trials now, how do you think you'll do? I know what you did, I understand why, but taking your trials now will only bring that back. It will only hurt you more. I don't want that."
"And what about you? By not taking my trials now, I may be separated from you again."
She smiled at him. "Nothing can take me from you now. If need be I'll go with you."
He was already shaking his head before she finished, "The council will never allow it."
"They will, and won't have much of a choice... I do have my own ship, you know."
They stepped into the shadow cast by the ship, Padmé heading for the hatch, "I have to be back on Naboo sometime today, I have to give a speech that will end my term as Queen. I know it's short notice but..."
Anakin nodded, "I know." he looked behind him, "I'll be back in a moment."
Padmé climbed into the ship and settled into co-pilot's seat as Anakin walked back to the homestead. He took a steadying breath before entering and stopped at the bottom of the stairs. "We have to leave," he told Cliegg, who was waiting for him, "thank you. For us, and for my mother."
Cliegg clasped his hand in a firm handshake, "You're both welcome to come back, son."
Anakin swallowed hard, "Thank you. Would you tell Beru and Owen for me?"
Cliegg nodded as Anakin turned on his heel and left the homestead. Several minutes later, the engines roared to life and the silver space ship sprang off the ground into the sky, heading for space and beyond.
Obi-Wan stepped into Sabé's chambers as the sun was coming up, going to sit on the edge of her bed. She was still sleeping, her hair spread out across her pillow like a soft, brown cloud. Her breathing was deep and even, her lips slightly parted. He couldn't resist the urge and reached over to gently caress her cheek. "Sabé."
She murmured softly, her face moving towards his hand. "Obi-Wan?"
"It's time to get up."
Her eyes opened and she froze, staring at him in shock. She grabbed her covers and pulled them up to her chin, blushing. "What are you doing in my room?"
"I have something I have to talk to you about."
"Again? Haven't you done enough damage?"
"Actually, I think you're the one doing the damage."
She blinked, surprised. "How so?"
"You've been hot and cold since Anakin left with the Queen, Sabé, and you're tearing me up inside. I'd like a simple explanation."
She stared at him before closing her eyes. "I don't have a simple explanation."
"You do. You know what my Jedi vows mean to me, yet you've been urging me to either break, or test the limits of them. I thought we were friends, Sabé."
"We are."
"Then why are you doing this to me?"
She couldn't answer as shame swept through her. He was right. She'd been throwing herself at him shamelessly since Padmé had left with Anakin. Since those two had been bonded, she'd simply wanted the same kind of tie for herself. She wanted to be with him, regardless of the cost. "I'm sorry." She opened her eyes to look at him, tears glittering on her lashes. "I didn't mean to hurt you, or confuse you. I just... I saw what Anakin and Padmé have and I wanted that for us." She pushed herself to her elbow, looking straight at him as she blinked away her tears. "I know you're a Jedi and I know what that means to you, but I don't know if I can only be your friend. It's not enough anymore."
Obi-Wan watched her steadily. "Would you rather I leave you alone?"
She sighed. "I don't know what I want anymore. I'm sorry I tried to trick you and I'm sorry I've been so difficult."
He cupped her face in one hand, allowing a smile to cross his lips. "I was starting to worry, you're usually so..."
"Steady?" she grimaced and pushed herself up so she was sitting against the headboard. "I'm sorry."
"No harm done. If... if it will make you happy I can ask permission of the council."
She blinked, wondering if she'd heard his hesitant question correctly. "Ask them what exactly?"
"Well, after so long as a Knight, we have to take a mate. Usually we're checked for compatibility against the other Jedi, but on rare occasions we can choose our own. That is..."
She held up one hand, silencing him. "You're serious?"
He nodded. "They're already here, and I can speak with them before Anakin and the Queen return."
"Why would you do this?"
"Because I don't like to see you like this. That and I'm afraid I've already broken the code by becoming attached to you. Besides, I'll be able to better advise Anakin in his relationship with the Queen if I'm in a similar situation."
She threw her arms around his neck, her heart bursting. "I love you, Jedi."
He hugged her back, kissing her cheek. "I know."