The Metamorphosis of a Nemesis

Chapter Eight

In which Lucius sits through a boring meeting, Hermione bonds with Zelda, and we discover why Draco has been changing personalities so often.

Lucious Malfoy rolled his steely silver eyes upwards. He checked his watch. Merlin's leg hair, only 10:17. He tapped his pen on his desk, adjusted his office chair, and tried to concentrate on the PowerPoint presentation.

"As you can see, equity has been accruing through the second and third fiscal quarters."

BO-RING! When did Voldemort turn into an insufferable corporate big dog with a horrible comb-over? Was it when he traded in his robes for a set of indistinguishable dark business suits? When he took that business college class on investments? These days, Death Eater meetings were a lot more like the traditional sense of the word "meeting" and a lot less like the bloody massacres and subsequent drunken revels they used to be.

Lucious had grown fed up with all of this.

What he really wanted to be doing was to be working on his evil, sinister plan. His diabolical plan to conquer ALL OF WIZARDING ENGLAND…by annoying several children at his son's school. Ha HA! It was so crazy, and such a horrible, idiotic idea, that it JUST MIGHT WORK!

Voldemort was shouting into his cell phone. "Dammit, Linda, the Citibank merger is a crucial account! I don't care what it takes!"

Lucious closed his eyes in an exasperated fashion and thought Get me out of here. Lengthy, pointless meetings like this almost made him wish Voldemort would go back to more traditional forms of torture.

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Hermione sighed. Then she blinked. Then she yawned, scratched her arm, wiggled her toes and tried to think of a good way to start out Act Two, Chapter Eight.

She was in the library, because all pivotal scenes involving Hermione have something to do with the library. Hermione knew she had to eventually team up with Zelda and use Girl Power or intelligence or her Magic 8-Ball to solve the only remaining mystery: what the HELL was up with Draco?

Not surprisingly, he also happened to be in the library. He was playing Dungeons and Dragons today, with a bunch of Ravenclaw second-years. Naturally, he was wearing leather armor, and carrying a jewel-encrusted sword. Now, since Harry Potter is a fantasy series, you readers may think this is normal but really Draco had purchased these at the Minnesota Renaissance Festival.

Hermione took nerdy!Draco in stride, and continued browsing the books. She bypassed Quidditch in Bed, and a dodgy-looking series called "When I Kissed the Teacher", She settled on "The History of Forks: A Modern Muggle Miracle!" and sat down at an empty table to begin reading.

The book started out with "Throughout the ages, at least the ages where we had forks…"

She had gotten as far as the first line when Zelda came over, uncertainly. "Um, Hermione….?"

Hermione looked up, grudgingly.

"Do you mind if I sit here?"

"I guess not."

"Great. Do you mind if we make some casual jokes, then laugh warmly and bond and become BFF? Oh, and can we speed it up, because the author says there's only like two chapters left?"

Hermione considered this for a moment. She knew it was futile to resist because, God dammit! If it weren't for wacky new character pairings there would be nothing to write about.

"OK," she said, "but what does BFF mean?"

"Best Friends Forever, of course! When you write me a note, you have to write that on the bottom, along with L.Y.L.A.S, which means 'Love You Like A Sister'.  And now that you are my best friend, I can't hide my secret any longer. Not the not-actually-perfect one, the OTHER one."

Hermione perked up. Voldemort's daughter, robot, sex change?

It's…. well, it's kind of embarrassing. It's my brother."

Oh boy, thought Hermione. I thought we could at least avoid incest for ONE LOUSY STORY.

"His name isn't Gary, like I said in Chapter Four. It's Larry."

Hermione just looked at Zelda. After a pause, she said, "…………..that's it?"

"Uh, yes."

Hermione narrowed her eyes and tried to think of a sarcastic comment, but was interrupted by a commotion from the other side of the room.

"We're off to SECOND BREAKFAST!" Draco's new friends snickered at his hilarious joke. They all adjusted their glasses, gathered up their dice, organized their Magic: The Gathering cards, then marched off to the Great Hall while speaking Klingon and chugging Mountain Dew.

"All I can say is wow," said Hermione. "Okay.  Let's do a recap of the Many Faces of Draco. He started out his normal self, but then transformed into a stoner, then a psychopath, then a frat boy, a sleazy sex god, and a Dungeons and Dragons fanatic."

"Yeah, I'd really love to figure out what's up with Draco….. but HOW?" pondered Zelda, dramatically.

"I know! Let's go listen to my plot-specific radio!" shouted Hermione, and they bolted up to the Gryffindor dormitories, but not before reshelving their books and pushing in their chairs. 

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LATER THAT EVENING………

"I can't believe it," said Zelda.

"I can't believe it," said Hermione.

"Oh, believe it already!" thought Crookshanks, and he rolled over and fell asleep.

"Lucious Malfoy – that bastard! I can't believe he teamed up with fanfiction writers in order to give Draco an identity crisis and eventually break his will. THAT'S why Draco has been acting so weird and changing so drastically!" exclaimed Zelda.

"Um….. hel-LO! I was totally just with you when you heard that on the radio? You are repeating it WHY?" asked an annoyed Hermione.

"I had to sum it up for the readers."

"Oh, right. Hey, good point." Hermione smiled. "You know, I'm actually kind of glad we're being forced to be friends."

"That's a really heartwarming compliment," said Zelda, dryly.

"Don't mention it."

"So, since we're friends, can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"Is that Professor Snape's robe on your floor over there?"

Hermione glanced over and blushed. "Ummmmmmmmm……. No. No, it most certainly is NOT. And no more questions."